>> Sunday, February 28, 2010
About a week ago, Lucas announced to Hubby and I that God lives in his heart! What a cool thing to hear your kid say! I don't think this means he said any specific prayer or had a "moment of decision." But I do think it is a sign that what we are teaching and talking about with him in addition to the solid faith-teaching he gets at preschool is really sinking in. Hubby and I talk to him all the time about how God is always with him and that God wants to live in our hearts so He can help us and tell us how much He loves us. But to hear him proclaim that God is living in his heart was still a very special moment. Hubby asked "What does that mean, Lucas? How does God get into our hearts?"
"It means God goes where I go. And He can talk to me." Yes, yes!
"And how did God get into your heart, Lucas?"
"He is pretty sneaky. God just sneaks in there." Hmmm.... maybe we need to work on that part a bit.
But maybe God is sneaky, sometimes. Not sneaky in the sense that He tries to trick us or deceive us in any way. But sneaky in that sometimes lessons come in the places we may least expect it.
It is no secret that this new job of mine has not been a smooth road so far. I worked so hard to arrange everything and labored so much over the decision to leave my boys an extra day a week. But in the end, I found a way and really felt God was leading me down this path. The first week or two was o.k. Even though Caden had a hard time being left and was extra-clingy when I was home, he seemed to calm down and I knew it was just the adjustment phase so I didn't stress too much about it. Well, it has now been 7weeks. Caden is doing much better. Lucas is a champ with all the coming and going and new routines. I am blessed by the people around me that are making this even possible. BUT.... But, the job is not what I had hoped. Well, the job itself is fine. I enjoy the challenge and the new specialty. But there are other factors (mainly one big one) that are making this very, very hard. It is just not what I had pictured in my mind when I decided to join this team.
But yet, I can see why God led me here. This is where His sneakiness comes in. I made the decision to join this team because I was honored that they would ask me and I felt it was an opportunity for professional growth I could not pass up. Also, Hubby and I are trying to eliminate some debt and move into a bigger house this summer so we were looking for a little extra income just as they asked me to join this team. Seemed perfect. And while it may still be a means of professional growth, I am seeing that that may not be the purpose God had in mind.
I am a bender by nature. I figure out what version of me people are apt to want and I bend to that. I assess what people are looking for, who they want me to be, and I try my best to conform in order to be liked and valued and accepted. We all do this to a certain degree, I think. I learned this skill as a military kid, trying to fit in each new place we would go. And it is not a totally bad thing since I think it is a survival and adaptation mechanism that seems natural to an extent. But at times, I take it too far and it leaves me feeling like I am not sure who the real me is since I am constantly bending and recreating myself. And then, I find myself in this new job environment that is so uncomfortable and even brutal. I can't for the life of me figure out how to be who my new boss wants me to be. She is so tough and demeaning and critical that I can't seem to be enough for her or do anything right. So the lesson in this, don't bend. Be me and that is all I can do. I stopped trying to be her friend or have interesting things to say. I stopped trying to impress her with my nursing knowledge and skill since she shot me down everytime anyway. Instead, I am letting her dictate to me what she wants me to do and I do that with my mouth shut no matter how hard that is. But beyond that, I am NOT letting her dictate to me who I should be no matter how hard that is either. And when I step back and think about all this, this lesson in not bending but staying true to myself, I am amazed at how sneaky God was to put me in this place. I don't think I would have signed on for this had I known what it would have actually looked like. I took the job because I felt flattered and like I was finally a little more in control of my own world. But as it turns out, God had something else in store. Something way more eternal and life-changing and perspective-shifting.
God is sneaky sometimes. Lucas may be on to something. But sneaky in a really, really good way. Sneaky in a "how can I best teach Farrah to trust who I have made her to be" way....
I am not 100% sure this job, this boss, is for me long-term. But I can see why I am here for now. So here for now I will stay until I feel God lead me otherwise.
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