Accomplished

I finished a 10K race today. Without stopping. Under my time goal. And it feels good!!

I was so nervous about this one- it seemed like a big leap. I got myself so worked up, in fact, that when I crossed the START line, I was in tears and cried for the first 2-3min of the run. My emotions and adrenaline were all over the place. But I eventually settled in and felt good, even with the heat. It was sunny, in the low 80's with about 85% humidity so it felt pretty warm to me. Especially the last mile or so, I started feeling really tired. It is these types of moments where being stubborn is a positive trait. I told myself, I didn't come this far to quit and just kept going. One foot in front of the other, until I saw the water table at 5.5miles and then I picked up my speed a bit. The end was just around the corner. And then, there it was- the end- with my boys and some friends there to cheer me across.

Today, I feel less like a loser who does all things mediocre. After completing this race, I actually feel like I can do whatever I set my mind to. I set this goal for myself and now I can check this off. After seeing my official time, I started crying again. Relief and happiness. Just grateful for a moment when I see progress in myself, like I do have things going for me.
I texted a friend my official time (since she knew I was stressed about not making it under my time goal), and she told me I should write a letter to myself that I can read on those days when the feelings of pervasive mediocrity come creeping back in. So here it goes...

There are many things in life right now that feel unsure. It is easy to look at the tasks and situations that dominate my life and feel like I am wading through sludge, barely making ground and not ever getting anywhere. But take this feeling of accomplishment and ride it through. I am strong and determined. I can push through difficult things and reach the other side. I have trained myself to run this distance through sheer determination, even when joint pain and busy, tired days have made it even harder. I am proud of myself for what I accomplished today. I CAN do what I set my mind to, and show my boys that hard work DOES pay off eventually.

I know lots of people have accomplished much more and have done this race better than I could today. But the accomplishment of today, for me, still feels good. I am going to let this happiness sit for awhile. And hopefully it will find a nice place in my soul to set up camp for awhile.

I may not do many things well, but for today, I feel accomplished. And it feels good.



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Living and Striving

Almost exactly one year ago, I began running as a way to get into better shape post-childbearing / breastfeeding /weaning. Also a year ago, I started having the progressive joint pain that eventually led to a diagnosis of Lupus and a somewhat rocky ride so far.

So here I am. There have been some key changes in my life this past year and yet I wish I was not where I am. I don't know if it is the toll of a year of painful joint swelling and achy-ness or the sparse winter-running or the absence of the prednisone I was taking last spring/summer... but my running lately is kinda crappy. I am slow, my legs feel like lead, my head is SO not in the game. I signed myself up for a couple races in hopes that it will give me a much-needed push.
But truthfully, this whole Lupus thing sucks (pardon my French!). Really. Maybe I have mentioned that once or twice before. Admittedly, things are way better now than last spring. My pain is less although consistent. I do have some new symptoms now that I didn't have before but all this is stuff I can live with. Annoying, yes. But liveable. I have been eating gluten-free and trying to be dairy-free too (although that is much harder for me) and that seems to help. It has helped me drop a few pounds which makes me feel better mentally at the very least.

But you don't care about the details. I'm not sure I really do either. Bottom line: I am in the midst of asking God this question: how much of life is supposed to be spent just living and how much is to be spent striving for something more?

I desire so many things: A calmer spirit/mind, more compassion and patience with my boys, to run a 5K in 30min or less, a bigger house with a fenced yard, less debt, more romance, .... I would say that all those things (and the dozens of things I didn't list) are not bad things to want or hope for. But the cumulative effect of constant striving is driving me mad.
For example, I have stopped asking myself (and my rheumatologist) if I will ever be pain-free in my hands. I am setting my expectations low and hoping to be surprised.
But ultimately, if I live in this house forever and continue to lose my patience with the boys and have achy hands and run slow.... that is the reality of where I am. I can try to improve the things I can but I'm having to also come to terms with these blatant limitations and short-comings (both physical and emotional) that are staring me in the face.
I am not saying I am giving up. I am too stubborn for that. I will keep running and keep trying to figure out ways to better my situation both physically and financially and emotionally. I have just been asking God to show me the times when striving is good and the times I need to step back and just live.

I should end by saying I really do have so much to be thankful for: my sweet Lucas is turning 5 in 2weeks, Caden is spunky-as-ever, I am about to have a new niece, I get to go to Costa Rica for a week in April with Hubby's work, I have a job and friends I enjoy... all reasons to emphasize the living more than the striving.





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It's All About the Experience, Right?

It was a beautiful morning, despite being cold. And actually, the only time I was really cold was walking from my car to the start line and then waiting in line for my fondue after the race. While running, I felt great! I started the race with my friend Shannon. It was her first 5K ever so I wanted to stay with her as long as I could. We ran together for about the first mile (and she was doing awesome!!) and then I kinda plugged ahead a bit. I don't know if it was because of the beautiful scenery or the slower pace or the prospect of chocolate fondue at the finish, but this was one of my favorite races ever (of the 5 I did this season). It was difficult to keep my normal pace due to the large number of people. There was a lot of run-slow down so you don't step on someone- run again- slow down-... But I didn't really mind. The slower pace felt good and made me really focus on enjoying the run and not so much on my time.


Then of course, the reason all 30,000 of us were there.... the fondue tent!! You had to eat the chocolate fast because the cold air made it get hard fast. But it was oh-so-yummy!!

And the hot chocolate was amazing! The feel of this whole race was like a big social gathering. There were some people there who were serious about the running and their time. But for the most part, it seemed that people were there for the experience of it. It was a good lesson for me in not making everything about the the end goal but learning to enjoy the journey a bit.

I did check my official time online last night and felt this twinge of disappointment in my gut. I ran about a minute slower per mile than I am used to. But again, it's about staying in the moment. And those moments of running along the lake with the sun coming up through the clouds... awesome.



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It's Gonna Be a Cold One

A couple months ago, I heard about this awesome run in city that boasted the "best goodie bag in town." I am a sucker for quality free stuff, although you pay a hefty entrance fee so I guess it is not really free. But any event that has the slogan "Will Run for Chocolate" is something worth attending in my book.
The Hot Chocolate 5K/15K race is one of the biggest in the city. It sold out at 30,000 runners!!! 30,000!! I guess I'm not the only one intrigued by the prospect of fondue and Ghirardelli chocolate after a good run.
The race is tomorrow morning and I am a bit nervous. Having to get down to the city and park and find my way and blah, blah, blah. I just get anxious about details like that especially when there are so many unknowns about the day.

But the one known fact that is also making me nervous is the weather. It is supposed to be right around freezing tomorrow around start time (7:40am!!!) with the temps maxing out around 40deg later in the day. Yikes! Too cold for November!! And with the wind off the lake, I'm sure it will be pretty darn cold! At least it is supposed to be sunny so maybe that will warm it up a bit. Maybe. One of the girls I was planning to run with had to bail due bronchitis and pneumonia (feel better Karrie!!). But I think I am gonna stick it out... if nothing else, for the chocolate.
We'll see how it goes.... stay tuned!



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Taking Steps

It was a perfect fall day- chilly in the shade but warmer in the sun. Perfect blue sky accented with the changing autumn leaves. I loved being outside, breathing in the fresh air and enjoying the sunshine.


First, I ran a hilly 5K at the Morton Arboretum at 8am. It was pretty cold at first, but 5min into the run I was plenty warm. It wasn't my fastest time, but not my slowest either. And with the hills and some mild congestion, I am pretty happy with my time. I would have rather it been about a minute shorter but I guess I'll have to shoot for that goal next year.
Truthfully, I am proud of myself that I have (mostly) kept up with the running this spring/summer/fall even through this whole Lupus journey. I do feel like I have kinda stalled in my progress. I can run a bit further, but am not really getting faster. Although overall the joint pain is better than it was a few months ago, the fatigue seems to be more the factor here. I just don't have the energy to run as often. Maybe this fall I can improve on that a bit.
Either way, I ran today without walking, even on the steepest hill. And I am pretty happy about that.

After the run, I drove over to the Naperville Riverwalk for the Walk for Lupus. After my indecision and plea for company, I decided to register and had two of my dearest friends offer to walk with me. I felt so loved and supported. It was a 3mile walk on a beautiful day with two amazing women and it was SO great. Truthfully, it was a bit surreal being in this crowd of people who are in some way affected by Lupus. And it stung a bit to see some people walking today in memory of a loved one. I admit that my mind wandered a bit, thinking about what may be down the line for me. What will my life with Lupus look like? But as I walked with these women who have loved me and supported me through so much, I realized that I will deal with Lupus just like I did the walk today and the run: one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

I am still very much processing today's thoughts from the run and especially the walk. But most especially this whole Lupus thing and how I am adjusting my life to not let Lupus or fatigue or joint aches define me.
More on that another day. But for tonight, I am happy with the events of this perfect fall day. I am a blessed girl.



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Dinner with Disney... AKA: Why I need to keep running

Earlier this week, I was fortunate enough to be invited to have dinner with some fabulous bloggers and the nice folks from Disney. We had a super fabulous meal at a place called Carnivale in the city. I took the train in to reduce the stress of driving downtown. It was SO relaxing to sit and listen to music and watch the suburbs pass by.

The food was fabulous, the company was great... overall it was a really fun night out. We got to hear about some fun things that Disney is doing, including their mom panels. I also learned some details about the races that they hold in their parks every year. I knew there was a marathon there and a half-marathon. I really wnat to do one of their princess half-marathons or one of the other races in the park. I think that would be so fun!!! So I guess I better keep running. And after all the delicious food I ate there, I have to keep running to burn all those calories.

Thank you, Disney, for the fun evening out! And the fun gift basket too! :) Oh, and the motivation.



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Running (from) Dysfunction

Don't let the title fool you. I have more than one dysfunction. I am just focusing on one specific one at the moment....

I lean on myself WAY too much. That is the long-and-short of it.

Last night was one of the worst nights I have had in a long time. My feet hurt, my hands hurt... my whole body hurt so very bad. I have begun to taper down the prednisone and so far it going just so-so. Plus I worked two long days this week, more than normal, and have been trying to catch up from vacation and get ready for the last market of the season tomorrow. So it has been a busy week to say the least. I laid on the couch last night and then in my bed and just cried. Tears of pain and frustration. I just want this to be over, to be off the front burner.

I felt better when I got up today, but I had to be at work before 7am (my third work day this week) so the relief didn't last long. By 9:30 this morning, the pain was back in my hands and feet. I got home from work at 11:30 in time to send Hubby off to work. When he got home at 8:30, I was pretty spent. So I went and crashed on the couch, right? Nope. I went for a run. Enter my dysfunction.

I simply cannot accept the fact that I am not in control of my body's response to itself. I am in pain, I am worn out, I am frustrated and overwhelmed.... so what do I do? I try to plan those things away. I analyze and try to figure out a way that I can make it all better.

About 10minutes into my run, my hands started to throb. They have truthfully been hurting all day plus running always makes them swell a bit. I should have stopped then, but I pushed through. It was a beautiful night, after all, and I should take advantage of it (so went the thoughts in my head). By mile 3, I was actually feeling pretty good. I had kinda found my stride and, despite my hands, felt like I was plugging along pretty well. Then at mile 4.5, I hit a wall. My body was telling me to stop, but it was hard for me to give in. Then the song "You're All I Need" (Bethany Dillon) came on my iPod and I just crumbled. I sat in the grass and just cried.
"You fill me when I'm empty, You are all I need."

Can I really say that? Is He all I need? When I was in tears last night, were my thoughts about how I was going to get through this or how God was going to get me through this? Do I really believe that He will carry me through? He has before in other times when I couldn't walk alone. But yet this week, when my body is weak and I am tired and I have taken on too much, I chose to try to fix it or prove to myself that I can make it better by pushing ahead. Even the taking on of too much is my dysfunctional way of proving to myself that no Lupus or joint pain or [fill-in-the-blank] is gonna stop me from working three days and having a market and weaning off the prednisone and training for a 10K if that is what I want to do.

The next song on my iPod was "Never Alone" (Barlow Girl). Message received, loud and clear. He is with me and carrying me through. This won't last forever. It is ok if I don't run the full 5miles I had intended to run tonight or make extra slings for the market. I do not have to prove I am in control of my own body and life and schedule. I can let go a little now and then and see where God takes me.
Well, those are the things I should say to myself and to God. That is the proper response and the one I am trying to have. I am a work in process for sure.

The inspirational ending to this story would be that I stood up and finished running the last half mile. But nope. I walked my achy self home and crashed on the couch to lay out my dysfunction here for all to see. And hopefully for me to learn from.

I should add that the song I walked home to was "Lovestoned" (Justin Timberlake). Kinda an odd playlist, I admit. But I loves me some JT! But that's a dysfunction for another day....


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Me and Tebow

I wish I could say this is a post about the time I met Tim Tebow and got to hang out with him, play a little catch, let him teach Lucas how to throw a good spiral. Maybe someday. I just love Tim Tebow. So much in fact, that Hubby and I have a deal that were my Timmy to ever ask me to marry him (of course he wouldn't since he is a respectful, moral boy), I have permission to say yes and Hubby will move into the guest house. It is just a joke of course since I would never really leave Hubby for Tim Tebow. But I really do love my Timmy that much.

Anyway, this post is really about my running. I finished Couch to 5K awhile back and have actually done three 5K races. The most recent race was with my dad over the 4th of July. I was a bit slower in the third race than in the first two but I keep telling myself it was due to the heat and the hills (and my big, fat swollen joints). Having finished the C25K program and done some races, my running has really slowed down. I am realizing I stay motivated better when I have a program to follow and a goal to work towards. So I have decided to move on to the Bridge to 10K program and try to increase my distance and hopefully also improve my mile split time.
The Bridge to 10K is a 6week plan that goes back to interval running but will hopefully ease me into longer distances and better conditioning. That is the goal anyway.

How does this make me like Tebow? Well, after being a spectacular college quarterback (for my beloved Gators), Timmy has had to totally revamp his throwing motion in order to hopefully be a knock-out pro QB with the Denver Broncos. And now that I am determined to press forward with my running, I am doing a little revamping too.
I have run a few times on a treadmill recently after being an exclusive road-runner 'til now. Running on a treadmill forced me to really lengthen my stride. So when I ran on the road tonight (4miles in 43min), I noticed that I was still running "treadmill-style." It felt a little odd, a little slower. But I didn't feel as tired at the end of the run as I normally do and I ran longer tonight than average.
So Timmy is reworking things to make him better at his sport and so am I. Not that I am putting myself anywhere near his level of greatness. :) I am just looking for anything I can to connect me further to my Timmy. And progress with my running in spite of all the other stuff going on.


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Not to Toot My Own Horn...

.... Well, maybe just a little bit....

I am feeling a bit like super mom/woman today.

After taking the boys (by myself) on an all-day adventure to the Field Museum Thursday, we woke up yesterday morning and headed to Target. We met some friends at the Farmer's market and then played at the park. I did a craft with the boys in the afternoon, cleaned the kitchen and started dinner.
After a full day of motherhood, I went to work last night, twice actually. I got called in to help finish a case at around 4:30 and then as Hubby and I were at the climax of a very intense movie, the pager went off again for an emergency heart attack around 11:15.
Then this morning, I showered and was out the door by around 6:15 to go sign in for my 5K race. The one I started all this crazy running and training for 3months ago. I wasn't sure I could do it, truthfully, since I was having some intense knee and wrist pain when I first woke up and I didn't get to bed until after 1am because of the case at work. But I knew I would be so upset with myself if I wimped out. This was the original goal and I needed to see it through.

So.... I did it. I ran the whole thing and in my best time yet. Yeah me!!!! Hubby and the boys were at the finish line to cheer me on and it was so fun! Actually, it was hard. I am not a natural runner. I have to push myself. But I did and that is what feels good. 31:15. 45seconds better than my first race. Yippee!!!


We just got home, barely beating the rain, and I put Caden down for a little nap. And now, I am going to take a little nap myself with a hot rice bag on my knee. I am going to relish in this feeling of satisfaction and contentment. I am proud of myself, for the race and for everything else too. Downtown adventures, quiet crafts in my kitchen, late-night life-saving, persistent runner... happy mom. But maybe it is just the runner's high talking.



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