Done! or Done?

>> Sunday, August 29, 2010

I have mentioned MANY times that I am fairly certain I am done having babies. Lots of factors went into making that decision and the older Caden gets the more sure I am becoming that I don't want to re-enter the "baby phase" of life.


Last night I had a dream, one of those that felt so real that I had to convince myself it wasn't true when I woke up. I told Hubby about it and we both had a good laugh. But deep down it was more unsettling than amusing. The most unsettling thing.... I have had an almost identical dream before. Hmmmm....
I dreamt that I had a baby. A baby girl, to be exact. And I named her Molly in both dreams. The circumstances were different in each dream, but in both dreams I didn't know I was pregnant until very late in the pregnancy and Hubby didn't meet her until a few days after she was born. Upon learning I was having a baby in both dreams, I was in shock but not surprised (if that makes any sense). I somehow knew it was coming but was not ready for it at all.

I am not one to get crazy about dream interpretation. But there have been a few times in my life when I have put stock in a dream I had or someone else had about me. I don't know that any of those times have worked out as the dreams predicted but I don't know that I expect them to. But, I do think the God can and does use our dreams to speak to us. Either to give us glimpses of what's to come or give us peace about the present or maybe spur us on to something.

If I had only had this dream once, I might be more likely to brush it off. But twice.... Is God trying to tell me something? Am I done? I feel less certain of it today than I did yesterday and yet my reasons for being done still remain. I WOULD love to have a daughter. Yet I LOVE being the mother of boys and could be totally content if this was it. In my dreams, I knew once Molly was born that my family was finally complete. It felt right. That is the part I can't shake. I feel like I am done. But maybe God has one more baby for me.. maybe a girl named Molly?

I don't know. Maybe I am ready WAY too much into this. Maybe I had a little too much wine last night while Hubby was at the Sox game. Maybe this is my subconscious just working out my lingering doubts about having another baby. Or maybe, God is planting seeds in my heart, preparing me for another baby that may be in my future. I guess time will tell, but I sure would like to know how much time that will be.

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A Perfect Summer Day

>> Saturday, August 28, 2010

The day started with a morning soccer game, Lucas' first. He was super excited, but so was I. He did great! He ran around with the ball, tried to get in the crowd that was swarming around the ball, and even made a few good kicks. I can't wait to see how he progresses throughout the fall. I got accused (in a joking way) of bordering on being one of those over-aggresive pee-wee sports parents. I am an over-active cheerleader, I admit that. And so I encouraged him to do a little shoulder-checking if needed to get in there and get to the ball. Nothing wrong with that,right? I wasn't telling him to hurt any other kids, just be aggressive and get to the ball. Ha!

Next on our day's agenda was the Peter pan theater hike at the Arboretum. It was fabulous! They split the play into six parts with a short walk/hike to the next location in between each. Lucas loved it and was totally enthralled. He does LOVE pirates after all and is familiar with the story of Peter Pan. Caden was a little less enthused. I had to keep him in the back for part of it to give him space to walk around and play. But I could still see and enjoy the play and I think Caden could too so it was a win-win. They did a really great job and it was a beautiful day. It was perfect.

Once we got home from the Arboretum, Hubby and Lucas headed downtown to go to the White Sox game. It was Lucas' first and he was super-pumped. Even after the long day he had, Lucas lasted until the 8th inning before he started to get cranky. Hubby is a huge Sox fan so this was a fun moment for both of them.

And while Daddy and brother were livin' it up at the ballpark, Caden and I stayed home and had some summer fun of our own. We walked down to the pond to feed the ducks and play in the grass. It was really fun to have some time with just me and Caden. It felt calm and easy, even going to the grocery store to pick up some things. We really had fun together and I think Caden enjoyed not having to share the spotlight.

All in all, a VERY full but perfect summer day!

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My Sweet Little Caden

>> Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I remember the moment I first looked into those baby eyes. I was immediately sure that I would love him forever, even though I wasn't sure I could love anyone more than I loved Lucas. Then here he came, storming into my world, changing everything.
He is so different from his brother, and yet wants to be just like him. He is my little mimic, my little snuggler, my sweet little baby who melts me. He hides the TV remote, loves Buzz Lightyear, tries to ride our pup like a horse while yelling "Yeehaw Cowboy!" Then, he grabs his "bumpa" (blankie) and crawls in my lap saying "Nap, mama. Hold you." He is wild, chatty, crazy, and just a bit stubborn. But yet, so sweet and charming and knows just how to make me smile (even when I want to be mad).I love this sweet little man. He calms my heart, he and his brother both. His whole face smiles when he does, but most especially his eyes. These eyes that I first looked into 2years ago and that totally took my breath away. I wasn't anticipating him, I wasn't planning for him, I wasn't trying for him. But life without him seems unfathomable.

Sweet, sweet little Caden. I love your spunk, your sparkly eyes, your precious (although a bit impish) grin. Be who you are, even if that is different than your brother. Even if it is different than anyone else. You are God's special, unexpected gift to me and our family. Embrace who God made you to be. Trust that God and your mama will always be there to uphold you and make you stronger.

My sweet little Caden. Happy Birthday!

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Running (from) Dysfunction

>> Friday, August 6, 2010

Don't let the title fool you. I have more than one dysfunction. I am just focusing on one specific one at the moment....

I lean on myself WAY too much. That is the long-and-short of it.

Last night was one of the worst nights I have had in a long time. My feet hurt, my hands hurt... my whole body hurt so very bad. I have begun to taper down the prednisone and so far it going just so-so. Plus I worked two long days this week, more than normal, and have been trying to catch up from vacation and get ready for the last market of the season tomorrow. So it has been a busy week to say the least. I laid on the couch last night and then in my bed and just cried. Tears of pain and frustration. I just want this to be over, to be off the front burner.

I felt better when I got up today, but I had to be at work before 7am (my third work day this week) so the relief didn't last long. By 9:30 this morning, the pain was back in my hands and feet. I got home from work at 11:30 in time to send Hubby off to work. When he got home at 8:30, I was pretty spent. So I went and crashed on the couch, right? Nope. I went for a run. Enter my dysfunction.

I simply cannot accept the fact that I am not in control of my body's response to itself. I am in pain, I am worn out, I am frustrated and overwhelmed.... so what do I do? I try to plan those things away. I analyze and try to figure out a way that I can make it all better.

About 10minutes into my run, my hands started to throb. They have truthfully been hurting all day plus running always makes them swell a bit. I should have stopped then, but I pushed through. It was a beautiful night, after all, and I should take advantage of it (so went the thoughts in my head). By mile 3, I was actually feeling pretty good. I had kinda found my stride and, despite my hands, felt like I was plugging along pretty well. Then at mile 4.5, I hit a wall. My body was telling me to stop, but it was hard for me to give in. Then the song "You're All I Need" (Bethany Dillon) came on my iPod and I just crumbled. I sat in the grass and just cried.
"You fill me when I'm empty, You are all I need."

Can I really say that? Is He all I need? When I was in tears last night, were my thoughts about how I was going to get through this or how God was going to get me through this? Do I really believe that He will carry me through? He has before in other times when I couldn't walk alone. But yet this week, when my body is weak and I am tired and I have taken on too much, I chose to try to fix it or prove to myself that I can make it better by pushing ahead. Even the taking on of too much is my dysfunctional way of proving to myself that no Lupus or joint pain or [fill-in-the-blank] is gonna stop me from working three days and having a market and weaning off the prednisone and training for a 10K if that is what I want to do.

The next song on my iPod was "Never Alone" (Barlow Girl). Message received, loud and clear. He is with me and carrying me through. This won't last forever. It is ok if I don't run the full 5miles I had intended to run tonight or make extra slings for the market. I do not have to prove I am in control of my own body and life and schedule. I can let go a little now and then and see where God takes me.
Well, those are the things I should say to myself and to God. That is the proper response and the one I am trying to have. I am a work in process for sure.

The inspirational ending to this story would be that I stood up and finished running the last half mile. But nope. I walked my achy self home and crashed on the couch to lay out my dysfunction here for all to see. And hopefully for me to learn from.

I should add that the song I walked home to was "Lovestoned" (Justin Timberlake). Kinda an odd playlist, I admit. But I loves me some JT! But that's a dysfunction for another day....

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Tuba Boys

>> Thursday, August 5, 2010

During dinner tonight, I asked Lucas if he would be interested in learning to play a musical instrument. We are trying to figure out our lives for the fall which includes figuring out what activities to sign the boys up for and how much (or how little) to schedule ourselves.
Anyway, I like the idea of the boys learning an instrument. It is supposed to make kids good at math or reasoning or something like that. Mostly though, I think it is super cute. So I asked Lucas tonight what he thought of the idea.
"Like what instrument?" has asked.
"Oh, maybe the guitar or the piano or the violin."
"Or the trumpet or the trombone," Hubby added. I guess he felt I had neglected the brass section.

"Or maybe the tuba!!" Lucas said quite excitedly. We tried to explain to him that maybe we should start with something a bit more manageable and he could work his way up to the tuba if he wanted to.

"I play tuba!" Caden proclaimed, not wanting to be left out of the discussion.
"You would fit in a tuba," I told him. They both thought that was pretty funny. :)

Lucas thought about it for a second and then offered up this plan:
"Maybe Caden could hide inside a tuba. Then when I get older, like when I am 33, I could learn to play the tuba and then Caden would come flying out. Wouldn't that be cool?!?!"

I love the way their little minds work. They never cease to make me smile.

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