Taking Gratefulness to New Heights

I cross posted this from my DupageMamas blog today. I think it bears repeating...

My baby is about to turn 3 this week. People are always telling moms of young kids to enjoy these early years because the time goes fast. Too fast. I used to just smile and humor whoever was saying it this time. But these days, I breathe deep and nod my head because I am seeing how true that is. Too true. My hubby and I took our boys to a movie in the park last night. As we sat in the dusk light, waiting for the movie to start, my little guy was in my lap and my older son sitting between my Hubby and I. I felt a wave of something rush over. Looking at my boys, I just felt so, so grateful. Grateful for this fun summer moment, all sitting in the grass together eating candy and watching this movie. Grateful for our little family, for these boys and the Hubs. This gratefulness brought along with it it's cousin contentment and I sat there and just drank it all in.

Because of the movie, the boys went to bed late but yet they woke up at the exact same time as usual. This made for some general crankiness today. Last night's emotional rush was lingering still but was somewhat lessened by having to referee fights and squash the whining. I left Hubby to do lunch and naps and headed for the Flashes of Hope Peds in the Weeds picnic for families of chronically and terminally ill children. My good friend Carrie runs the FOH Chicago chapter and I offered to volunteer at the photo shoot they ran at today's event. (If you don't know about Flashes of Hope, check out the website. They provide free professional pics of kids and their families.)

Seeing these kids and their families today was more than inspiring. I have been hugging my sweet 3yr old tighter this week anyway for lots of reasons. But coming home today, I made sure to take both boys and squeeze them until they almost popped. Then came that rush of gratefulness all over.

I had a brief conversation today with a mom of a 2 and a half year old boy with some complex medical issues. She didn't get into it, I didn't ask. It didn't matter. He was one of the most delightful, precious little boys I have ever met. He radiated happiness and joy, and so did his 3sisters and 2brothers. It was quite evident that they are all so grateful for each other, no matter what life is bringing their way. It was truly inspiring to watch this family love each other and this little boy so much that is was palpable to a bystander like me.

Life throws a lot at all of us. Sometimes, it is easy to tell myself that I have had more than my fair share. But all I have to do is look around and get my eyes off me to realize that is so far from true. I have SO much to be grateful for. My boys are the biggest thing but not the only things by a long shot. I felt grateful for them last night. But being at this picnic today took my gratefulness to new heights.

Thank you Carrie and FOH for the joy you bring to these families. And thank you for letting me be a tiny part of it today. I walked away feeling more like myself than I have felt in awhile. Funny how that happens when I get my eyes off me.


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Grateful

This was last year on the Fourth. My parents came in for the weekend, I ran a 5K with my dad, we did the Wheaton parade and the Glen Ellyn Fireworks. It was a fabulous weekend. Look how young those two little boys look!!! I can hardly believe that was just a year ago.

I took both boys for annual check-ups today- they are getting so big so fast! After their appointments, I took them both out to lunch (at Steak and Shake- Lucas' request). Lucas was being a little dramatic about his shots, Caden was tired and clingy. But it was one of those rare moments where I could step out of the moment and see it for the precious snapshot it was. Or maybe it was staying right there in the moment and not thinking ahead to naptime or wine-time or the events of the holiday weekend.

These two boys- these precious, precious boys- they try my patience for sure. Even tonight at bedtime, I was ready to be done for the day and was losing my steam. But I just think about Caden's sweet hugs and kisses at lunch and Lucas asking me to snuggle him during our family movie night tonight. I am a lucky, lucky mommy. I hope I am doing right by them. I pray to God daily to use me as a vessel to bless and shape them as He would see fit in spite of my VERY flawed shell. No matter what else is complicated in my life, I have these two precious souls that God has blessed me with and a Hubby who loves me. And I am grateful for this. SO very, very grateful.



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Love

Love is...

...reading stories with a cowbay hat on because your grandson asked you to.

...letting your grandson hit you with a snowball, just for fun!

Aren't grandparents the best! :)

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Waiting for the Bloom

When I first visited the tree, I did not see what I had expected to see. Although, I am not exactly sure what I did expect, I was still caught a little by surprise. It was smaller than I thought. There are no leaves. It is small and bare.
"It will grow," Hubby said. "The leaves will come."
I know that. But I was really hoping for some leaves now. I am ready for spring. I need signs of spring.
We stood around the tree, remembering and longing, with many of our close friends and family. It was rainy and chilly and the skys were gray. "What a beautiful tree," they all said. And I agreed. It is beautiful. It is just not what I expected.

Kinda like my tree-Micah's tree- life is what it is. (that is profound, eh?) I am not sure what I expected life to be like but this is not exactly it. But it is still beautiful. Hard, exhausting, and full of ups and downs. But beautiful none-the-less. I have a place to sleep and food to eat and a husband who loves me and three amazing boys and friends who support me and a God who holds me and lifts my head. Beautiful.
It is all about my perspective. When I get two hours of sleep and Lucas won't stop whining and Caden is not content to leave my side and marriage feels so complicated, life feels so small and bare. Where are the leaves, the signs of spring? When I wake up in the morning and I have two beautiful boys snuggled close at my side and the sun is shining through the window and I don't feel tired, life feels in full bloom. But even in the moments when I am overwhelmed by the richness of the life God has given me, I still feel a bit small and bare. I get too easily bogged down by the hard things. I can't keep my focus on Him and the eternal. My priorities are often out of wack. I let the fatigue and busyness keep me from appreciating. I see myself as that small, bare tree. Waiting, hoping for some leaves to bud soon. Watching for the bloom of spring in me.

My last five years have been crazy- full of life changes and adjustments. Moving, babies, new jobs, mourning, rejoicing, counseling, fear, joy... But that does not make me unique. I am not the only one who has had her life turned upside down and had to pick things up and figure out how to move on. I am just not sure I have done it well. Which brings me to here. This place of gratitude but discontentment. Motherhood is hard, marriage is hard and yet both those things are what make life so rich. Thankfully, God does not see my bare branches. He sees me in full bloom. I am exactly what He expected. No more, no less. He knew I would have these challenges and these joys and is holding my hand and leading me through. Have these five years been God pruning me, cutting away what I thought were my leaves only to leave me more bare and small? Has He been preparing me for my true Spring?

Life is what it is. Sometimes sad and disappointing. But also full to the brim. Sometimes this tree seems small and bare. But it will grow. The leaves will come. Spring will come.




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So Very Blessed

With the time for the birth of my child drawing nearer and nearer, my emotions (and the organization efforts) are in high gear as you may expect. Today was no exception.

This morning, we had a service project with our church. We went and packaged food to be sent to hungry children in over 40 different countries. I had heard from many people that had done it before that it was an amazing experience. But I wasn't totally prepared for the emotional impact it would have on me. From the introductory video, to praying over the boxes we packed, to seeing the amazing pictures of malnourished children before and after.... it was overwhelming. Here I am, less than 48hours from bringing a child into the world, and feeling like my life is full of drama. But then I see these kids, who have so little, and I realize how amazingly blessed my life and my family is. That sounds so cliche, that my drama seems so much less significant after being reminded of the suffering of others. But it was emotional and humbling and made me want to come home and kiss Lucas a million times.

The organization we worked with today is called Feed My Starving Children. They are admirable and honest and commited to responding to Christ's command that we feed the hungry. And I was honored to be a very small part of it today.

My parents are both in town for the big event on Monday. Lucas loves his "Pa" and had a blast today playing in the dirt and feeding the ducks and collecting sticks. My dad gave him a bath and he was a little out of sorts when he got out. I was in his room putting laundry away and he ran over to me, nakie in his towel, and collapsed into my lap laying his head on my chest. I sat there on the floor, holding my baby, rocking him and resting my cheek on his little wet head. With my eyes closed, I soaked in one of the last moments that Lucas will be my baby. I couldn't help the tears, for the second time today. He got up to pick some books and I asked if we should put on his diaper and jammies. "No Mommy, I just want to snuggle with you" has said as he crumpled back into my lap. I gladly held him a little longer, not really wanting that moment to end.

Life is about to change... a lot. For the better....probably. I mean, of course for the better. I already can't imagine life without this baby and I haven't even met him yet. But it is still change and that always requires some adjustment. But after the high emotions of today, I am just feeling so grateful for what I have and acutely aware of the ways I am blessed.

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