The Heart of This Boy

>> Saturday, July 30, 2011

Rather abruptly at lunch yesterday, Lucas announced that he really wants a sister. But not a baby sister "from my tummy." He wants us to adopt a sister that is closer to his age so he has someone to play with. He said he had been "really thinking about this." I could see it on his face. He was very serious and thoughtful. It was not a whim discussion. And although his comments caught me off guard, they did not catch me by surprise.

He has said before that he would like a sister, but has never been so specific about adoption and wanting an older girl to join our family. I know that part of this adoption idea being sparked in his head comes from asking about a book I just finished that tells the story of a family's adoption journey. But it wasn't like he was borrowing an idea. It was more that one had been uncovered and he now had words for it.

His words were both tender and funny. He has figured out where "our girl" would sleep and sit in the car and at our table. He has an idea of what her name should be but he's not ready to share that yet. The longer we talked about it, the more he wanted to say. It was as if he could picture it more and more and couldn't contain how much he would love if it all actually came to be. I kept asking why he thought he wanted a sister, specifically one his age. After saying "I just do" about a dozen times, he finally got quiet.

"Sometimes, I just feel like I don't want to be the oldest. Like if my brother were here, I would have someone to be with me." My heart stopped for a moment. There it is. The root of this is a longing that I totally get. I feel it with him, I just didn't know he felt it like this. He misses his brother.

When asked why missing Micah makes him want to have a sister and not an older brother, his reply brought some much needed tension release to the moment. Pointing at Caden he says, "Well, I have already seen how that goes and I think I want to try a sister this time." LOL! (disclaimer: These boys LOVE being together and LOVE playing together. Caden is just a bit intense for Lucas sometimes and a bit frustrating at this stage.)

I relayed this conversation to Hubby later in the afternoon, but more in a "hear the cute things our son said" kind of tone. When really, his words have touched a deep place in my soul. I don't know if we would ever adopt another child or not. Reading this book has certainly revived a desire I have had since high school to share our family's love with a child who may be in need of some. But parenting these boys is hard and makes me wonder if I have what it would take to parent through an adoption and be the right kind of mother to a girl of any age. But Lucas' words still ring in my ears. Is God using my 5yr old to water a seed?

I certainly don't know yet. I told Lucas that as a family we could talk more about this and pray about it. I told him he should ask God if this is right for our family and see what God says. But no matter what, if any, concrete action comes from this lunch conversation, I at the very least got a glimpse into the soul of my son and it was precious. So very precious. He has such a tender, little heart that longs for a brother he has never met. This visceral longing that has forever changed me resides also deep in this boy that, in many ways, rescued my soul from darkness. He also longs for a sister and I just can't dismiss that. I think I might long for that too. But the thought of bringing a little girl into our family, no matter the route, is daunting and a bit terrifying to me.
I am grateful for the heart of this little boy. I am touched by his words and thoughts and fully aware of God working in his soul. And mine.

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Beware of the Cat Robot Villian

>> Thursday, July 14, 2011

Tonight, I asked Lucas to go upstairs and have a quiet moment in his room after the third or fourth time of asking him to stop crashing cars and superheros so loudly that I couldn't hear myself think.
Hubby and I could hear him doing something in the kitchen instead of being in his room. When we came upstairs, we found him cutting out random shapes out of paper and taping them to his face. He was making a disguise so he could come back downstairs without us recognizing him. LOL!! This kid cracks me up!! Listen to his own explanation of what kind of costume he was creating and then see little Caden making a costume mess of his own...

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My Type

>> Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I'm seeing a trend here. My boyfriends all seem to have dark piercing eyes and a little wave in their dark hair. Not to mention that good ol' all american look. *swoon*

[ For those that don't know (but most of you probably do), these dreamy boys are Blaine (Darren Cris) from Glee, Finn (Cory Monteith) from Glee, and my beloved Timmy (Tebow) ]

Of course, I only have one true love.....

and I think he pretty much fits the bill too. Plus, he is the most loyal man I have ever known. He, although flawed like me, loves me fully and serves his family with his whole heart and being. Even though his dark hair with a bit of a wave is getting some grays (which I personally find pretty sexy).

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>> Friday, July 1, 2011

This was last year on the Fourth. My parents came in for the weekend, I ran a 5K with my dad, we did the Wheaton parade and the Glen Ellyn Fireworks. It was a fabulous weekend. Look how young those two little boys look!!! I can hardly believe that was just a year ago.

I took both boys for annual check-ups today- they are getting so big so fast! After their appointments, I took them both out to lunch (at Steak and Shake- Lucas' request). Lucas was being a little dramatic about his shots, Caden was tired and clingy. But it was one of those rare moments where I could step out of the moment and see it for the precious snapshot it was. Or maybe it was staying right there in the moment and not thinking ahead to naptime or wine-time or the events of the holiday weekend.

These two boys- these precious, precious boys- they try my patience for sure. Even tonight at bedtime, I was ready to be done for the day and was losing my steam. But I just think about Caden's sweet hugs and kisses at lunch and Lucas asking me to snuggle him during our family movie night tonight. I am a lucky, lucky mommy. I hope I am doing right by them. I pray to God daily to use me as a vessel to bless and shape them as He would see fit in spite of my VERY flawed shell. No matter what else is complicated in my life, I have these two precious souls that God has blessed me with and a Hubby who loves me. And I am grateful for this. SO very, very grateful.

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