Lucas Robert- March '06. My thinker with a huge vocabulary and a bigger heart. So full of life and wonder and imagination. Future engineer or architect or whatever he puts his mind to. My tender mama's boy with the rough-and-tumble outside. Whether playing cars or reading books or just sitting with mama, he lives life fully. And I think that is great!!
Caden
Caden Lauten- August '08 With the warmest eyes that light up the room, he is my little love-bug who wants to be with mama at all times! Never content to just sit, except when snuggled close in the sling where Mama's face is just a reached out hand away. My little explorer, following his brother and puppy everywhere, my baby and the light of my life!
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| Lucas age 3, 2009 |
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| Caden age 3, 2011 |
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| Lucas loved the farmhouse and all the animals. It was an immediate favorite. |
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| Caden playing with the same farm animals |
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| Lucas getting his post-1st day treat |
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| Caden and his cone- I HAD to keep up that tradition! |
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Rather abruptly at lunch yesterday, Lucas announced that he really wants a sister. But not a baby sister "from my tummy." He wants us to adopt a sister that is closer to his age so he has someone to play with. He said he had been "really thinking about this." I could see it on his face. He was very serious and thoughtful. It was not a whim discussion. And although his comments caught me off guard, they did not catch me by surprise.
He has said before that he would like a sister, but has never been so specific about adoption and wanting an older girl to join our family. I know that part of this adoption idea being sparked in his head comes from asking about a book I just finished that tells the story of a family's adoption journey. But it wasn't like he was borrowing an idea. It was more that one had been uncovered and he now had words for it.
His words were both tender and funny. He has figured out where "our girl" would sleep and sit in the car and at our table. He has an idea of what her name should be but he's not ready to share that yet. The longer we talked about it, the more he wanted to say. It was as if he could picture it more and more and couldn't contain how much he would love if it all actually came to be. I kept asking why he thought he wanted a sister, specifically one his age. After saying "I just do" about a dozen times, he finally got quiet.
"Sometimes, I just feel like I don't want to be the oldest. Like if my brother were here, I would have someone to be with me." My heart stopped for a moment. There it is. The root of this is a longing that I totally get. I feel it with him, I just didn't know he felt it like this. He misses his brother.
When asked why missing Micah makes him want to have a sister and not an older brother, his reply brought some much needed tension release to the moment. Pointing at Caden he says, "Well, I have already seen how that goes and I think I want to try a sister this time." LOL! (disclaimer: These boys LOVE being together and LOVE playing together. Caden is just a bit intense for Lucas sometimes and a bit frustrating at this stage.)
I relayed this conversation to Hubby later in the afternoon, but more in a "hear the cute things our son said" kind of tone. When really, his words have touched a deep place in my soul. I don't know if we would ever adopt another child or not. Reading this book has certainly revived a desire I have had since high school to share our family's love with a child who may be in need of some. But parenting these boys is hard and makes me wonder if I have what it would take to parent through an adoption and be the right kind of mother to a girl of any age. But Lucas' words still ring in my ears. Is God using my 5yr old to water a seed?
I certainly don't know yet. I told Lucas that as a family we could talk more about this and pray about it. I told him he should ask God if this is right for our family and see what God says. But no matter what, if any, concrete action comes from this lunch conversation, I at the very least got a glimpse into the soul of my son and it was precious. So very precious. He has such a tender, little heart that longs for a brother he has never met. This visceral longing that has forever changed me resides also deep in this boy that, in many ways, rescued my soul from darkness. He also longs for a sister and I just can't dismiss that. I think I might long for that too. But the thought of bringing a little girl into our family, no matter the route, is daunting and a bit terrifying to me.
I am grateful for the heart of this little boy. I am touched by his words and thoughts and fully aware of God working in his soul. And mine.
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Tonight, I asked Lucas to go upstairs and have a quiet moment in his room after the third or fourth time of asking him to stop crashing cars and superheros so loudly that I couldn't hear myself think.
Hubby and I could hear him doing something in the kitchen instead of being in his room. When we came upstairs, we found him cutting out random shapes out of paper and taping them to his face. He was making a disguise so he could come back downstairs without us recognizing him. LOL!! This kid cracks me up!! Listen to his own explanation of what kind of costume he was creating and then see little Caden making a costume mess of his own...
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The boys and I just got back from a fabulous trip to FL. It was really one of the best we have ever had. Some great beach time, some alone time for mommy, no family drama. Just a really, really nice time with my parents and my sister and my beloved beach. :) Here are some of the highlights:
Fun with the water hose and Mimi: the boys started fully clothed and slowly peeled off layers as they ran through the sprinkler. Perfect little boy, summer fun!!
A special Green Lantern superhero party with Mimi and Pa! 
We had plenty of sunny days on the beach, but one of our favorite times was right after a rain storm when the dark clouds were rolling through. It was warm and shady and the sand was perfect for sandcastles. We caught sand crabs and built sand forts and had an amazing time. It will forever be one of my favorite memories of time on the beach with my boys.
Lucas officially finished preschool today. He stood up on the stage with two of his favorite little friends, reciting their poems and singing their songs, and just like that my little baby left preschool behind with bigger things on the horizon. Bigger things like kindergarten and all that, but not necessarily better things. Loretto has been an amazing place for Lucas. His teachers are nurturing and instructive and put their whole hearts into being with the kids. We all feel so fortunate for them and can't wait for Caden to start next fall (if he'll potty train).
I cried through most of the program. Happy tears through a smile as big as the room. I was just so stinkin' proud of him and just kept picturing that moment when they first handed him to me in the hospital recovery room. He was this chubby, rosy faced little person who was going to change me forever in ways I could never fathom.
And now he is this smart (and a little sassy, too much sometimes) and tender little boy who is getting ready to take on the world. I asked him this morning as we were leaving for the program if he was ready to graduate preschool. He turned to me and said, "Mom, I was born ready!" And I pretty much think he's right.
I couldn't stop hugging him today, just wanting to cement in my soul the feeling of holding him while he can still fit in my lap. And I have to say that I also hugged Caden a bit tighter today. It won't be too long until I am living this day with him too.
Even as I type this, Caden is asleep next to me on the couch (at 11pm). He came down crying while I was finishing my nightly ritual of watching RealHousewives while blogging or playing on FB. I didn't have the heart to take him back to bed when all he wanted was to cuddle with his mama. And now his precious face is smushed against my arm and he is contentedly back to sleep. I hope neither of them get too old- EVER- to stop needing the comfort of being close to mama. I know I will never -EVER- stop needing the comfort of holding them close.
Happy last-day-of-preschool, my sweet Lucas! You are as vital to me as my heartbeat. I am so proud of the little boy you are and who you are becoming. You are gentle and kind-hearted and feel things so deeply. Your capacity for love and knowledge knows no bounds. My precious little preschooler... moving onto life's next task. Preschool? Check! Bring on the world! 
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Wow... I haven't posted at all yet in May. There are so many days when I say "maybe I should blog about this" and yet the day ends and all I want to do is lay on the couch and fall asleep. And truthfully, there are so many things going on that I feel like I either have to tell y'all everything or I'm not being really me. I am kind of an "all-or-nothing" kind of gal (if you haven't learned that about me yet) and I need to learn to live a little more in the grey sometimes.
Anyway, I have a "mommy-pride" bursting moment to share to at least get me back in the groove. 
Lucas started playing pee-wee soccer last fall. Admittedly, it started a little rough. His focus was anywhere but on the field or the ball. It didn't seem to come very naturally to him, but it was his first go at organized team sports and he seem to have a great time. So, when his friends from school were organizing a team for spring soccer, we asked him and he said he wanted to play. And this year, he is doing so much better. :) He is keeping up with the ball better and getting more kicks. Seeing his little face when he gets a kick makes me giggle. He is so excited. And then last week, he got his first goal!!! And today he got another!! Hooray!!!!
I have to admit that I get really frustrated when he is out on the field and not paying attention. He still has many moments when he is distracted by something on the sidelines or he runs right past the ball because his mind is focused on something else (probably superhero related). I try to keep my frustration to myself (try being the key word). He is only 5 after all and has made serious improvements from the fall until now. And I am super-conscious to make my words to him be nothing but encouragement and redirection. But I do need to learn to relax my expectations a bit because sometimes I let the frustration overwhelm me. Again. (Yikes. Seems like an unfortunate trend with me.)
So let me rejoice in his growth!! LUCAS GOT TWO GOALS!!!! YIPPEE!!!!
Driving home from the game today, he said "Now, my favorite times of the week are when I am with Mommy and when I have a soccer game." *melt* What a precious kid!
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Two years ago on his 3rd birthday, I asked Lucas this series of questions to get a peek at his perspective on his world. I fully had the intent to do it every year and forgot to record his answers last year. But here they are for this year (Lucas' answers are in bold).
Favorites:
If you could change your name, what would you choose? I don't know how I would change my name. Maybe just switch the letters. Start with the U, then the L, then A and C and S. U-L-A-C-S.
What do you love about each person in our family? Daddy-He is so strong and tough, Caden-He's my brother, Hadley-that he is just part of the family, Mommy- That you always play with me
Where would you like to go on vacation this year? Gotham City (of course, silly me)
Right now, I find myself in limbo. I am worried about something that some of you may find trivial, but right now it is causing me so much anxiety. I am not sure where Lucas will go to kindergarten next year and it is eating a hole in my stomach just thinking about it. I obsessed about where to send him to preschool too. And lucky for us all, the final choice for that has been absolutely perfect for him. And I have no reason to believe this will be any different but that doesn't keep me from losing sleep over it.
The real stressor is that I have found what I think is the perfect school for him (after researching and calling and checking and stressing for MONTHS). EXCEPT... it is more than we can afford (unless we get a scholarship) and I am not even sure if he will get in. My indecision and anxiety caused us to not be super-aggressive and now there are already 20applicants for 15spots. So just when I start to feel comfortable about our decision on where to send him, the whole thing gets thrown back up into the air and I think I might just vomit.
There have been more than a handful of times in my life when I can recall this extended pit-feeling in my stomach. You know, that feeling of underlying stress and anxiety that looms over your head because something truly important is unresolved and yet there is nothing you can do in this moment or even in this day to make any difference. You just have to wait. Wait to see where the cards fall. To see what direction God takes you next.
In January of 2004, a friend sent me a lovely card with a scripture on it that she had been praying for me. I taped the card to my fridge so that I could see it and pray it daily to help. At that time, the pit-feeling in my stomach was about Micah and not knowing at all what the outcome would be. And although I know deciding on kindergarten has way less emotional and life-path implications for me than that time, I feel really strongly that this decision has some pretty significant implications for Lucas.
But you know the really funny thing about God... He has a way of bringing peace to my heart when I need it the most. I was sitting in a kindergarten class at this school I love, having just heard that they already have too many kids applying, and worrying about it all while I sat and watched the kids recite some poems they had been learning. And as I sat trying not to cry or explode or throw-up, the next thing the kids recited was this scripture. THE scripture that I always pray when I am trying to keep my mind and heart from worrying about things I cannot control. The one my friend sent me seven years ago. It was as if God Himself was reaching down in that moment to calm my heart and speak peace to my anxious soul.
I still don't know if Lucas will go to this school or not and I still stress about it. I really, really hope he does and I will try to do all I can to make that happen. But in the meantime, I know God is telling me to take a deep breath and trust that He who has planted my roots deep into the stream of His goodness will not cease to bring forth fruit, even when the heat or drought comes.
7 “But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
8 They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”
Lucas had his Christmas Play at preschool this morning. It was precious and perfect. Lucas (one of the three kings) sang all the songs and did all the motions (last year, he just stood there) and smiled like the adorable boy he is. I am a sappy, sentimental fool at things like this. I cry during the movie Polar Express and the end of Elf. And watching my little boy sing about Jesus and the miracle of Christmas brings out so much more emotion. So I was definitely wiping some tears this morning.
He is getting so big and grown up. He holds my heart, this precious "king."
And this one too! :)
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I have mentioned before that Lucas loves to color. He is getting pretty good at it, staying in the lines better and better. Maybe all of my efforts in doing crafts with him from a young age are starting to pay off. Ha!
He especially loves to color superheros and their villain counterparts. But before tonight, he was just coloring pre-printed pictures or coloring books. Tonight though, he took the initiative to draw his own superheros and then color them to his specifications. I was so impressed with his efforts, I had to take a picture and share.
He has drawn pictures of people before, but never with this much depth and detail. Usually just your average stick person. I was really impressed. My little budding artist!
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I don't know if I will be able to fully communicate the absolute preciousness and humor of the story I am about the relay to you. The moment was one of the most priceless and one of the funniest of my motherhood journey so far. Mostly I just feel the need to document it somewhere and share with y'all how totally awesome my boys are. :)
We have this CD of songs from the Toy Story movies. The boys love it. Me... not so much. But I give in at certain times, especially when we have a long-ish drive somewhere or there is much fighting/whining/over-all crankiness happening in the back seat. Tonight I let them listen to it as we were driving to and from this launch party in Naperville for the ToyStory 3DVD. But when we were leaving Chick-fil-A after dinner and I reluctantly turned on the CD again, Lucas suggested we instead put on our CD of "Jesus songs" (their term for worship songs). Happy to listen to something else and something soothing, I quickly obliged. Half way through This Little Light of Mine, Lucas says "Mommy, who is Satan?" Not what I was anticipating for my 7pm drive home, but I ran with it anyway.
From that question sparked one of the most awesome conversations I have ever had with Lucas. We talked about angels and what it means to serve God as our King and why we sometimes sin and heaven and the second coming of Jesus... we ran the full spectrum. Some of L's comments/questions throughout this conversation were priceless:
"So, God is kinda like Batman and Satan is the Joker."
"I only know two things about heaven: My brother Micah lives there and the streets are covered in gold. Oh, and it is somewhere up in the clouds even though I have never seen it when I have been in lots of airplanes."
"Do we have to wait until we die to get to heaven or can we get there while we are still alive?"
"How will we know when Jesus is coming back? What if we are inside and we don't see Him coming down through the clouds? Do you think we might think the trumpet music is just the tornado siren?"
"When will Jesus come back to get us?"
I assured him that the trumpets announcing Jesus' return to earth would be the most beautiful music he had ever heard and that he would know the second he heard it that Jesus was coming to take him to heaven. (Only a mid-western child would be worried he would confuse the trumpets with an emergency tornado-warning! Ha!!)
For all my not-so-proud mommy moments, I am so thankful that God gives me moments like these. Moments when I can talk to my boys about the most important things, eternal things. Moments when I feel like I am investing in their souls and not just providing for their bodies. To talk with Lucas about heaven tonight and about that moment when Christ will come back to take us home was a moment I will never forget. And to see Caden sit quietly in his seat, hanging on very word.... well, I'll just say that the weight of the moment was not lost on me. I felt it sit on my shoulders. I chose my words carefully, knowing I was shaping their views on the most crucial of truths. And yet as sure as I was that God had ordained that moment, I prayed that He would put the right words on my tongue and protect their little hearts. I have to trust that the Holy Spirit will takes those little seeds of truth and bloom them into something great in those boys. I pray it will every cell of my being.
We got out of the car and headed into the house. Walking up the front steps, Caden says "Shhh, Mommy, do you hear Jesus coming?"
Lucas replies, "Caden, that isn't Jesus. That is just Hadley (our dog!). We don't know when Jesus will come back for us, Caden. It could be tomorrow or it could be a long, long time from now like 20years. But when He does come, won't that be cool?!"
In that moment, I couldn't decide if I should laugh or cry. Even writing this, I am doing both. Their language is funny. Their hearts are priceless. Both are so, so precious.
I hope I was somewhat able to convey the events of our car ride home is a way the accurately reflects the truth. It was very cute and yet eternally significant. As I was rubbing his legs at bedtime, I told Lucas how special our earlier conversation was to me. "Thank you, Mommy, for telling me all those things about heaven and Jesus. I read things about Him in books but you have a lot of things to tell me that I need to know. I like hearing what you have to tell me. If you don't tell me, I can't be very smart about it."
If that isn't motivation, I'm not sure what else would be.
Thank you, Lord, for tonight's moment. Help me to be a wise steward of such moments in the future and of their little souls that have temporarily been entrusted to me.
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This last week has felt very much like fall. We returned from Florida to temps in the 60's and autumn color all around. This weekend has been right around 70degrees with clear blue skies and crisp fall air. Love it!!! We have been making applesauce and carving pumpkins and other fun fall things. Tonight I even caved and let the boys try on their Halloween costumes... SO, SO Cute!!! Well.... see for yourself:
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"Mommy, color with me!" This is one of Lucas' new favorite things to do. Sometimes coloring with him involves taking direction well ("color Superman's cape red and his shirt is always blue") and sometimes I get to sit back and watch him create his own little masterpiece. He is particular about making sure things are the correct color. He would prefer to have a picture to look at for reference, especially when superheros or characters from ToyStory are involved. It is fun to watch him intently trying to stay in the lines (he is getting really good at it) and find just the right color to make Batman or the Green Lantern or Buzz Lightyear look their best.
But my favorite coloring times with Lucas are the ones when his vivid imagination takes over and he just colors and draws the things he sees in his creative mind. He loves to pick a location (ie: the jungle or the ocean or the Joker's evil hideout) and create an entire storyline with the things he adds to the picture. It is pure joy to watch. Nowhere else can he create the world to be exactly as he pictures: a world where there is a tiger in the jungle but he is being hunted by the evil Joker who knows that most tigers are on the endangered species list so Batman must come to rescue the tiger and he brings Superman and WonderWoman with him and then all the jungle animals and the beluga whales have a big party to thank the superheros. That is not the world I would create, just the exact scenario Lucas wanted me to help him draw just a few days ago. This kid simply amazes me.
We recently bought him his own pack of 64 crayons. The box that has the cool sharpener in the back (which he thinks is super cool). You should have seen his face when he opened the box and gazed on these beautiful new crayons in "any color I might need." The joy on his face in that moment is only rivaled by the joy on mine as I watch my little love relish in the worlds of his own creation.
A new box of crayons is a fun thing... so vast with possibilities. Kinda like you, kiddo.
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