God is Sneaky

About a week ago, Lucas announced to Hubby and I that God lives in his heart! What a cool thing to hear your kid say! I don't think this means he said any specific prayer or had a "moment of decision." But I do think it is a sign that what we are teaching and talking about with him in addition to the solid faith-teaching he gets at preschool is really sinking in. Hubby and I talk to him all the time about how God is always with him and that God wants to live in our hearts so He can help us and tell us how much He loves us. But to hear him proclaim that God is living in his heart was still a very special moment. Hubby asked "What does that mean, Lucas? How does God get into our hearts?"
"It means God goes where I go. And He can talk to me." Yes, yes!
"And how did God get into your heart, Lucas?"
"He is pretty sneaky. God just sneaks in there." Hmmm.... maybe we need to work on that part a bit.

But maybe God is sneaky, sometimes. Not sneaky in the sense that He tries to trick us or deceive us in any way. But sneaky in that sometimes lessons come in the places we may least expect it.
It is no secret that this new job of mine has not been a smooth road so far. I worked so hard to arrange everything and labored so much over the decision to leave my boys an extra day a week. But in the end, I found a way and really felt God was leading me down this path. The first week or two was o.k. Even though Caden had a hard time being left and was extra-clingy when I was home, he seemed to calm down and I knew it was just the adjustment phase so I didn't stress too much about it. Well, it has now been 7weeks. Caden is doing much better. Lucas is a champ with all the coming and going and new routines. I am blessed by the people around me that are making this even possible. BUT.... But, the job is not what I had hoped. Well, the job itself is fine. I enjoy the challenge and the new specialty. But there are other factors (mainly one big one) that are making this very, very hard. It is just not what I had pictured in my mind when I decided to join this team.
But yet, I can see why God led me here. This is where His sneakiness comes in. I made the decision to join this team because I was honored that they would ask me and I felt it was an opportunity for professional growth I could not pass up. Also, Hubby and I are trying to eliminate some debt and move into a bigger house this summer so we were looking for a little extra income just as they asked me to join this team. Seemed perfect. And while it may still be a means of professional growth, I am seeing that that may not be the purpose God had in mind.

I am a bender by nature. I figure out what version of me people are apt to want and I bend to that. I assess what people are looking for, who they want me to be, and I try my best to conform in order to be liked and valued and accepted. We all do this to a certain degree, I think. I learned this skill as a military kid, trying to fit in each new place we would go. And it is not a totally bad thing since I think it is a survival and adaptation mechanism that seems natural to an extent. But at times, I take it too far and it leaves me feeling like I am not sure who the real me is since I am constantly bending and recreating myself. And then, I find myself in this new job environment that is so uncomfortable and even brutal. I can't for the life of me figure out how to be who my new boss wants me to be. She is so tough and demeaning and critical that I can't seem to be enough for her or do anything right. So the lesson in this, don't bend. Be me and that is all I can do. I stopped trying to be her friend or have interesting things to say. I stopped trying to impress her with my nursing knowledge and skill since she shot me down everytime anyway. Instead, I am letting her dictate to me what she wants me to do and I do that with my mouth shut no matter how hard that is. But beyond that, I am NOT letting her dictate to me who I should be no matter how hard that is either. And when I step back and think about all this, this lesson in not bending but staying true to myself, I am amazed at how sneaky God was to put me in this place. I don't think I would have signed on for this had I known what it would have actually looked like. I took the job because I felt flattered and like I was finally a little more in control of my own world. But as it turns out, God had something else in store. Something way more eternal and life-changing and perspective-shifting.

God is sneaky sometimes. Lucas may be on to something. But sneaky in a really, really good way. Sneaky in a "how can I best teach Farrah to trust who I have made her to be" way....
I am not 100% sure this job, this boss, is for me long-term. But I can see why I am here for now. So here for now I will stay until I feel God lead me otherwise.




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Trying to Live and Not Just Survive

It is already the middle of February. Dear Lord! How did that happen? A dear friend e-mailed me recently asking about a post I wrote last year (which I am gonna re-post later this week) and that was the first I had honestly thought about Lent and what I was planning for my family for this season. The last four weeks have just passed me by and I am doing well to just keep my head above water most of the time. Actually, that is not entirely accurate.

We are busy and still adjusting to my new job. And we are just getting over some pretty nasty viruses which always complicates life. And this new job has challenges that I did not expect. But even so, this past weekend has been wonderful and just the refreshment my soul needed. Hubby and I had a great date on Friday night, we had a low key day on Saturday filled with craft time and reading time, we took the boys bowling and out to lunch today and had a blast. The fact that my job is pulling me away from the boys more makes me a bit more aware of how I spend my time with them. So in that way, I am actually being more intentional than before. But the rest of life is just flying by and I am left with my head spinning.

I am in need of time to reflect and order my thoughts and my world. And what better time than Lent, a time that should be set aside for just those things. There are crafts I want to do, things I need to work on to grow my businesses, books I want to read, blogs I want to write (and read). But mostly, I just want to feel like I am in control and living life purposefully and I know in order to get there I need to take some time to get my feet back underneath me. I feel confident that God means for us to live life and not just survive it. And I am fully aware that life is busy because I have built it that way and I could "un-build" it in a minute. But that is easier said than done. The things that make life busy are also the things that often make it meaningful. I actually have cut back on certain things and am in the process of subtracting more. I am learning what I can handle and the importance of getting sleep above all things (thus the extreme lack of posting here). It is a process, and sometimes a slow one.

I am also realizing that it is very important to me to look back on the day, the week, the year and not say "where did the time go?" I want to use my time wisely, intentionally. I want to enjoy my boys and not just manage them. I want to experience things as a family, to create memories and strengthen our bonds with each other so that nothing will ever be able to break them. I want to live life, not survive it. I want to be the best me, the best mom, sister, friend, daughter, nurse that I can be while staying true to myself and who God has created me to be. I want to learn how to be the real me at all times and not let frustrating moments or people bring out sides that aren't truly who I am. At this moment, I am still very much in the middle of figuring out what that looks like for me and for my family. I have come to terms with different parts of it which I can go into more details on later. And I am making decisions about our lives that reflect this priority to make life as meaningful as possible. I just need some time to get all these thoughts in order and think about how to put feet to some of these words and thoughts.

It is almost Lent- a time to be intentional and reflect. I plan to do just that. With myself and with my boys. And hopefully more often, here in this space too. Just surviving is hard sometimes and I know everyday can't be filled with photo-album worthy events. But I also am starting to learn that there are simple ways to make even the smallest moments more like living and less like surviving. If you have this figured out or are farther on this journey than I am, please share.


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So Far, So Good...

Thank you to all of you who have been such an amazing source of encouragement to me this past week. I was so nervous about leaving the boys, especially Caden. The first two days went well, just a bit of crying from me and Caden. Lucas has adjusted like a champ so far. Caden and I will get there. :)
I enjoy the job so far. I am finding, like so many other areas of my life, I have set the bar so high for myself that I make it almost impossible to reach. When in truth, no one expects me to be the best nurse on the team after only being there for 2days. I am trying to give myself room to learn the new skills and procedures without having to be perfect right away. Trying.

In all my deep soul searching and introspective thinking the past few weeks, I think I have decided that taking this job actually makes me a better mom. Not better than anyone else. Just a better version of myself....
Growing up, I was always good with kids. I loved babysitting, I was good at it, kids loved me. I started a journal of entries to my children when I was in highschool. It always seemed a fore-gone conclusion that having my own kids would be a natural fit. And while I think that is mostly true (I do love being a mom and making up crafts and taking the boys on adventures...), I think there are parts of motherhood that came as a surprise to me. I tend to lose my temper WAY more than I would like or even like to admit. I am not very good at impulse control sometimes. Fatigue and I are not a good match. I am not a very patient and calm mama when I am running on empty.
I am a complex girl. When I was working full-time before I had kids, all I wanted was to stop working and have my family. And I love being home with them but I also love being a nurse and fell like I worked too hard to get to this point in my career to give it up. I think that is why it was so hard for me to pass up this opportunity when it came my way.
So in some strange way, taking this job and leaving my boys more makes me feel like I am a little more in the driver's seat of my own well-being. I am providing a little more for my family financially, and that feels good. I am using my skills and nursing-aptitude and it feels really good. The leaving part is hard.... very hard. But they are in very capable, loving hands and even this part of it is good for us.
It is good for me to have time away, making me appreciate the time together so much more. It is good for them to realize that if I leave them, I will come back and they will be fine. And we will have fun and snuggle and have nursies and all the things that make time with mommy so great when I get home. I was worried that leaving them an extra day or two would communicate that they are not the center of my world, that going to work puts them in 2nd place. I don't want me leaving them the be the new "norm." But I don't think I need to worry about that. Hopefully not, anyway. My boys love me and I am not hesitant to tell them often how awesome I think they are. We are bonded very deeply to each other. And this feeling of empowerment (for lack of better word) I feel gives me a renewed strength and energy for the task of motherhood. At least so far.
Plus (and you may think this is a bit shallow), bringing in some extra money lowers the overall stress level in our home. I don't have to feel as guilty about getting take out on that really tough, busy day. We have a little more wiggle room in the budget and some available funds to do some of the little home improvements that we have been waiting for years to do. I really feel it helps my Hubby by taking some of the financial pressure off him. And, I might just buy myself a new Kate Spade bag or AnnTaylor outfit like I used to do in the pre-kiddo days. And that would be so fun! (Ok, that is a bit shallow but I'm just keepin' it real with y'all!)
So.. so far, so good. We are adjusting to the new routine and starting to see the benefits this may have for me and our family as a whole. Plus I think it is bonding the boys more to each other too, which warms my heart deeply.
I am so grateful for all of your prayers and encouragements. And I am thankful that God loves me enough to give me this opportunity and good friends to help me make it work (Amanda and Heather- that's you!!!). I am grateful that He knows what I need and what my boys need even when I can't see anything clearly. Thank you Lord for these moments of growth and healing and contentment- like rays of sunshine bursting through the clouds.



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An Anxious Beginning

I start my new job tomorrow. Yes, I decided to do it. Take the plunge, take a risk, walk in faith. I have prayed and worried so much about this decision. Is it right for me? Is it right for my boys? For our family? Should I wait 'til they are older or not let this opportunity pass me by?
I worked hard to arrange the logistics for the boys and get everything set for tomorrow, my first day. And yet here I sit having MAJOR cold feet. I am excited for the job itself and I know the boys will be fine. They will be with Hubby most of the day. I am just really nervous about leaving Caden and I am nervous about Lucas feeling comfortable with someone else picking him up and being dropped off at a new house. But, I mostly feel all those things will turn out fine. Logistically.

Truthfully, my nerves are one part logistics and nine parts emotions. I was fighting off tears tonight as I explained tomorrow's day to Lucas. It started to hit me that I won't be there to pick him up or hear about his day. I won't be there. My life is shifting. I am delegating the care of my children to other people so that I can go to work and focus on my career and make more money to pay off debt and get us back on a little more solid ground. I know that Caden will cry when I leave him and I will have to just walk away and get in my car. That is going to break my heart. I am sure he will settle down. But will I? As I cooked dinner tonight and Caden just wanted me to hold him, I felt my heart breaking a little just thinking about leaving him.

I know it will all take some time to get used to. Transitions are always like that. I am not giving up before I start just because I am feeling nervous and anxious and a bit guilty. But I am feeling a bit sad, a bit anxious, and maybe a tinge guilty. This new job is not being forced on me. I could have said no and still can at any time. I DO still think this is a good thing for me and for our family right now. We will benefit from the extra money and it is a good move for my career. It even might be a good thing for the boys to get comfortable with other people taking care of them. Just not too comfortable. I am struggling a bit with giving up my role as primary care giver for these boys who are my world. But, it is only a part-time job. I am only working 2-3 days a week but am just feeling the weight of this transition pretty heavy tonight.

These boys are my world. And I want them to grow up knowing that they are my world, not that I left them to the care of others. And if I am being totally vulnerable here, I will admit that part of these nerves are that I feel like I am stepping deeper in that hole of not being 100% anything. Not stay at home mom, not a career girl, not a sold-out blogger, not a persistent business woman....... just a poser trying to be in all those worlds. You know?

I could use your prayers as I take this leap of faith tomorrow and start this new job with a bit of an anxious heart. I trust that God will make it work for all of us or make it clear that it is not going to. I am at least gonna give it a shot and see if my heart will follow my feet. I'll let you know how it goes.


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Mother who works or Working Mother?

Let me start by saying, I miss blogging. I miss feeling like a regularly could process my thoughts and life here and get feedback from my fellow moms. I miss reading blogs and commenting and being part of your lives too. I really hope to get back into my blogging groove soon. Don't give up on me yet. I value you, my blogging (and RL) friends.

Thank you to all of you who chimed in with some great advice and encouragement on my last dilemma. It was so helpful to read your comments as I tried to decide if I should let my little getaway be the time for weaning Caden or try to hold on to nursing for a bit longer. As it turned out, I did pump twice a day while I was gone. Caden did great with no nursing (and no bottles either, the stubborn little fool) for the almost 5 days we were gone. Then when he saw me, he picked it right up as if we had never been apart. In fact, he wanted to make up for lost time. I do think that my milk supply and hormones were affected by the break. I have some further evidence to that end that I won't share here. TMI. But, Caden is still nursing and I am glad he is. But I didn't let the pumping get in the way of our fun. We had a fabulous time celebrating a big Gators win and our 10yr. anniversary.

With that dilemma behind me, I move on to the next.

I am a nurse part-time in a cardiac interventional lab (angioplasty, etc..) . I love my job, I love what I do. I worked really hard to get here and so I feel good that I am keeping my foot in the door and keeping my skills and knowledge current and using my hard-earned degree. Not to mention that the extra $$ helps our budget tremendously. We would have to live MUCH tighter without my income. And although I only work one day a week, I have always thought that once the boys got a little older and in school, I would probably increase my hours a bit.
In an unexpected turn of events, I am now faced with a work-decision that I didn't expect to have to make for several years still. I am being asked by some of the MDs that I work with to join a fairly prestigious sub-specialty team within my department. It would be a great move for my career and I am very honored that they want me. It would also mean more $$ and a few other perks too. No brainer, eh? Not so fast.
The rub of this new job is that I would have to work Tuesdays and Thursdays- Lucas' preschool days. I currently work Tuesdays and my mother-in-law drops off and picks up Lucas from preschool on those days. To take this job, I would have to give up MY day of being involved in his preschool life AND I would have to find someone I trust to pick him up and watch Caden while he is in school. I would be able to take Lucas to preschool. This new team is so determined to have me jump on board that they are willing to let my work day start after I take Lucas to preschool. And Hubby gets home from work around 1pm so the boys would be with Daddy in the afternoons (which is awesome!). But still...
I chose this preschool for Lucas because of how caring in involved the teachers are. The pick up process is very experiential with the parents having to come and stand next to their child and the teachers coming to each mom to tell them something their child did that day. It is great and I would miss it.
Beyond the added stress of finding childcare that day and not being involved in Lucas' preschool life, I feel like this is a mental shift that I was not prepared for. I feel like I am going from a "stay-at-home mom who works one day a week" to a "part-time working mother" which feels WAY different.
I can tell myself I would be doing it for them, for the family. More money to pay off all our debt and be able to do more things as a family. But truthfully, it is really about me. It is MY career and wanting to do this for ME. Which isn't a bad thing. Not at all. But I am really feeling the tug. I am torn. I do want to take this job. I would have a hard time turning it down. And yet, I want to be there for Lucas and be a part of his preschool experience and not miss a minute of his life. He won't be 3 much longer and I have the rest of my life to work.

AHHHHH!!! What should I do?

Honestly, I am leaning towards taking the job. If. If I can find a childcare/preschool pick up solution I am comfortable with. If I don't chicken out. It would mean some stressful weeks for me as I am trained and learning this new specialty. I would have to spend a fair amount of time outside work studying to be at the top of my game. But that's not bad either, right. Some priorities would have to shift. Things would change a little around here if mommy works 2days a week and needs to study when I am home. The good news is, my days/hours are only fixed until the end of the spring. After I am trained, I have been told I can work whatever days and hours I want. I just have to figure out a way to make it work in the meantime.

I know this is a spoiled problem. In this economy, there are people who need work worse than I do. And I know that my children are well-loved and nurtured and cared for- even if I had to put them in daycare or something one day a week. But spoiled or not, this is weighing heavy on my heart. I just want to make the right decision for myself and my boys.

I know God will help me make the right decision. And as we try to put the pieces in place, I am hoping it will become clear whether or not this is the right thing for our family. Your prayers are, as always appreciated. :)



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