Some 'Splainin'

>> Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Well y'all, I guess I haven't done very well at keeping you in the loop.

Last we talked, I was about to go see a rheumatologist for some unexplainable joint pain and fatigue. I was worried he wouldn't listen or that he would jump to an "easy conclusion." In reality, he spent over an hour just talking to me. He examined every joint, looked over my lab work from the last 4 years and let me ramble about all the things that I felt may or not be related. He shared with me about his 30+ years of experience and how he didn't throw around diagnoses lightly. All very encouraging things. I sat there thinking any minute he was going to tell me to take some Motrin and wait out some virus that has parked itself in my joints. Instead, he proceeded to list all the (very believable) reasons he thinks I have Lupus. All his reasons were solid, things I couldn't argue with. I left there speechless, a bit stunned, and with several prescriptions in hand- one to fight the joint pain and one to treat this "Lupus".
In the wake of this, I decided to start the prednisone to help stop this spiral of joint pain. Hubby and I also decided to "cast a wide net" (as he put it) and get a couple other opinions. I have known several people to get false Lupus diagnoses and I want to make sure we know exactly what we are dealing with. One thing I can't ignore is the aching and throbbing in almost every joint in my body. I think the prednisone is helping. I have more energy at least. :)

So basically, that is where I stand. I have a couple other rheumatology appointments in the next few weeks. I am taking the prednisone, cutting WAY back on computer time, going to bed earlier, blah, blah, blah.... just trying to do whatever I can to start to feel better and maybe take a little better care of myself. This joint pain has gotten to an un-liveable level and I gotta do something about it (I feel like such a complainer right now! But I am also trying to be honest about this whole thing.).
And in what may seem to you to be counter-productive, I am still running. It is some of the only time I feel un-tethered. And it doesn't hurt while I am running. I pay for it a bit afterwards, but mostly I feel good that I am working my body and getting stronger. Truthfully, it hurts less to run than to walk sometimes because when I am running, I am in a different zone. That sounds so crazy to say, but is somehow true. So I am not ready to give it up, at least until I get through the 5K in 2weeks that was my original goal point. Then maybe I'll have to slow it down some.

So there you have it. Some 'splainin'. Thank you for all your calls and e-mails and prayers. I haven't been a very good friend or blog-friend lately. I haven't been reading enough about y'all. But I will get back there. I just gotta take some time to figure things out a bit. I am not really anxious about this. I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I am anxious about a lot of other things, though, and I am trying to work through that in the midst of this. So again, I am so sorry and so grateful for my friends. Love to y'all.

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Regaining What Was Lost

>> Sunday, May 23, 2010

It has been a truly strange day for me. Actually, I haven't really felt like myself in awhile but I can see it starting to slowly come back. I think.

I was asked this morning by a friend to pick up her son and bring him to church while they got some painting done at their new house. As we loaded him into the car, squeezing the booster seat in between our boys' carseats, I got this strange feeling. Kinda like deja vu, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Driving to church, Lucas and Caden were loving having their friend sitting between them. The three of them were passing different monster toys back and forth and making dinos roar, having a grand ol' time. Lucas especially was all grins. It was amazing how adding this extra little guy made us all smile more and laugh more even though Hubby and I made the comment that we were truly outnumbered by little boys now. When we arrived at church, Hubby got the two older boys out of the car and I got Caden out of his seat. I turned to grab something out of the car to bring into church and when I turned back, I saw Hubby walking along the sidewalk with three boys at his side. It clicked for me in that moment.
The feeling of me and Hubby and three boys, all walking into church together, it felt good. It felt right. I know the other was not mine. But it gave me this rare, tangible glimpse of what we are missing. It made me want to get pregnant just to get that glimpse back. To somehow regain what we have lost. (I know, I know... it would do nothing of the sort. And I really DON'T want to be pregnant.) Having that extra little boy today made me feel like we are meant to be a family of 5. We are a family of 5, we are just not all together. Yet.

Then tonight, along with the majority of the country, Hubby and I sat and watched the LOST series finale. I know there have been all kinds of theories about the metaphors and story lines on this show. I don't even pretend to know the deeper meaning intended by the writers. What I do know, is that tonight, as I watched, I felt sad and yet comforted. (**Potential spoiler alert**) Each character in tonight's finale was reunited with their friends and those they loved while on the island. They had been going about "life," not remembering the events of the island, and at first it seems as if we are seeing what might have happened if the plane had never crashed. But the moment they touch someone whom they loved, the memories of all the shared experiences and the love flash back and their full memories are complete. They remember what it was like to hold their love, to kiss them. They remember both happy and sad times. It is as if the two worlds merge and they are all at once complete. (It seemed to me to be a picture of heaven but I am not at all trying to say that is what it was intended to mean.) As I sat and watched, having had the morning I did, I once again longed for my turn at completion.
Whenever I think about heaven or am asked about what I hope for the most, I pray one thing: When the day comes when Christ in His glory comes through the clouds to take us all to heaven and I get to see my precious first born again, that one touch of his hand in mine will bring a flood of memories, both lived and unlived. I pray that heavenly wholeness includes a restoration of the things that were lost. That in that moment, I will have memories of Micah in my arms and watching his first steps and teaching him to ride a bike and taking him for his first day of school and watching him play with his brothers and seeing Hubby and all his boys walk hand-in-hand down the sidewalk to church. And he will know me as his mother, who held him and fed him and loved him without break or the interruption of death. We will both be complete, in body and in heart and in memory. And kinda like in LOST tonight, my life as Micah's mom and my life as Lucas and Caden's mom will merge and I will know what it is like to feel whole, like truly and completely me.

I guess this has been an appropriate ending to a kinda strange day that began with me feeling that void more strongly than usual. Tomorrow will hopefully be a little more... or maybe a little less... I don't know how to finish that. I would never wish to not miss him. But until the restoration day, Lord may you heal my heart and strengthen my body and keep my focused on the things that truly matter. Amen.

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My Newest Challenge

>> Thursday, May 13, 2010

Blogging is hard for me these days, although I just posted over at Chicago Moms Blog about my recent running hobby. It is in part due to the same ol' excuse: life is just so busy and full. But that is only part of the story.
I know I have vaguely mentioned it a couple times, but starting about 10weeks ago my body began a major rebellion. It started with a sore ankle and an achy thumb or wrist and it has escalated from there. I now have what I can only describe as global joint pain. My ankles and knees and fingers and wrists... yikes. It has been a bit of a challenge, especially when I am fatigued and trying to do fine motor tasks (ie: typing, sewing, etc...). Motrin helps. Hot rice bags have become a staple of my evening. I can mostly work through it but I am trying to limit my internet time and get more rest to see if I can figure this all out.
My primary MD did some blood work and it, at this point, is indicative of some sort of auto-immune issue. Truthfully, I could have told them that without the lab tests. My body is attacking itself for sure, leaving me with lots of pain in my joints. What that means, I am not sure yet. it could be hormonal or some other totally rational explanation. But my nurse's mind goes a million places which is not really that helpful. I know I just need someone to help me figure it out so I am seeing a rheumatologist tomorrow and hopefully he will take the time to hear me and see the big picture.
So I would appreciate your prayers as I see this rheumatologist tomorrow. Pray that he would listen to all the things I think are relevant and informative regarding my current challenge. Pray that we would, at the very least, come up with a short-term solution to get me some relief.

I will back here as quickly and frequently as I can.
Love to you all.

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