Shaping the mother I am and want to be

>> Friday, August 24, 2007

There have been several events this past week that have got my mind in a tail-spin so I thought I would try to sort them out a little here... why here? I guess because my thoughts have gotten me thinking about babywearing in general and all that goes with it... So it goes with my theme I guess. I have several friends who blog regularly. I am not a prolific blogger or e-mailer although I have gotten much more into both recently. In fact, my husband had a blog for awhile before I even knew what a blog was. I read my friends' blogs and think, "do I have anything half that profound to say that anyone would be interested in reading?" Probably not, but here is what I've got... take it or leave it.

Last Sunday, we visited a new church with some friends. The preacher made comments during his sermon about loosing two of his children several years ago and what he has learned about heaven since then. This is what started my tail-spin. Then on Tuesday, we had a difficult discussion with our former pastor about our former church. Part of that discussion too was thanking him for his ministry to us over the years. It was this pastor that baptized our first son Micah when he was one day old. Micah died after three days.
When my son Lucas was born, I didn't want to be apart from him. I felt cheated out of so much with Micah that I wanted to soak in as much as I could with Lucas for fear that it wouldn't last. Wearing him in the sling felt natural, like he couldn't get any closer to me. It felt safe and comfortable, for both of us. Using the sling made it easier to nurture my baby like I wanted to without having to sacrifice too much of my ability to be my own person. I have very selfish tendencies. I don't like imposed restrictions. But, I couldn't be separated from this little miracle who needed so much from me. There were things I needed too. I needed to feel his breath on my skin and see his chest rise and fall so I could take a break from worrying that he had stopped breathing. I needed to be able to respond to his needs as soon as he expressed them. I still do. I started wearing Lucas because it was convenient and comfortable and soothed my anxious-mother tendencies. I still wear him for those same reasons, 17months later.

I don't know what Micah's days in heaven look like, or if they even have days and nights. I do know that I still spend many of my days, three years later, thinking about him and what it would have been like to have him even just a little longer. I didn't know my babywearing friends then. Would I have put him in a stroller and let him cry in his crib until he learned to nap? Or would I have found this tool, this concept of babywearing, that has shaped so much of the mother I am and the mother I want to be?
I don't worry as much these days about Lucas stopping breathing. I have moved on to breaking his leg or getting some horrible disease. But when I walk around the house or the mall with Lucas in the sling, we are both reminded that we belong together. We both chill... me from my anxious thoughts and him from his never-ending toddler activity. Just today he was playing in a mall play area. He fell two feet off a plastic frog and came running back to me. He picked up the sling from the seat next to me and said "mama, up-down" (he thinks the two words always have to be said together...) I melted, put him in the sling and we were on our way.

That is why I wear him in the sling. We both need it sometimes, this week especially.

5 comments:

Rachael August 28, 2007 at 11:42 AM  

I had no idea that you had a son named Micah (it is such a strong name, one of my favorites from the Old Testament for a baby boy). I am so sorry that he passed on after only a few days. I'm glad you got to visit a new church and sorry for the conflict and messiness with the old one. i really like reading about how your experiences have informed your parenting style.

Farrah August 28, 2007 at 2:27 PM  

Thanks Rachael. Being pregnant with Micah, having him for three days and then losing him has definitely shaped how I parent Lucas. It definitely sold me on co-sleeping. :) Some days though, I think it doesn't shape me enough.

Catherine September 2, 2007 at 9:10 PM  

Farrah, this is so beautiful...and profound. Thank you so much for sharing it...I always love to know what's on your heart and mind...

And I sure do/did share those anxieties...

amandarose September 12, 2007 at 8:20 AM  

Farrah... Just a note to let you know I'd stopped by...and how much I enjoyed reading your thoughts. Much love.

Heather September 13, 2007 at 2:32 PM  

This is very touching Farrah. Thank you for sharing it here.

It is wonderful to hear about how the sling has helped you and Lucas be so close.

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