An Anxious Beginning

>> Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I start my new job tomorrow. Yes, I decided to do it. Take the plunge, take a risk, walk in faith. I have prayed and worried so much about this decision. Is it right for me? Is it right for my boys? For our family? Should I wait 'til they are older or not let this opportunity pass me by?
I worked hard to arrange the logistics for the boys and get everything set for tomorrow, my first day. And yet here I sit having MAJOR cold feet. I am excited for the job itself and I know the boys will be fine. They will be with Hubby most of the day. I am just really nervous about leaving Caden and I am nervous about Lucas feeling comfortable with someone else picking him up and being dropped off at a new house. But, I mostly feel all those things will turn out fine. Logistically.

Truthfully, my nerves are one part logistics and nine parts emotions. I was fighting off tears tonight as I explained tomorrow's day to Lucas. It started to hit me that I won't be there to pick him up or hear about his day. I won't be there. My life is shifting. I am delegating the care of my children to other people so that I can go to work and focus on my career and make more money to pay off debt and get us back on a little more solid ground. I know that Caden will cry when I leave him and I will have to just walk away and get in my car. That is going to break my heart. I am sure he will settle down. But will I? As I cooked dinner tonight and Caden just wanted me to hold him, I felt my heart breaking a little just thinking about leaving him.

I know it will all take some time to get used to. Transitions are always like that. I am not giving up before I start just because I am feeling nervous and anxious and a bit guilty. But I am feeling a bit sad, a bit anxious, and maybe a tinge guilty. This new job is not being forced on me. I could have said no and still can at any time. I DO still think this is a good thing for me and for our family right now. We will benefit from the extra money and it is a good move for my career. It even might be a good thing for the boys to get comfortable with other people taking care of them. Just not too comfortable. I am struggling a bit with giving up my role as primary care giver for these boys who are my world. But, it is only a part-time job. I am only working 2-3 days a week but am just feeling the weight of this transition pretty heavy tonight.

These boys are my world. And I want them to grow up knowing that they are my world, not that I left them to the care of others. And if I am being totally vulnerable here, I will admit that part of these nerves are that I feel like I am stepping deeper in that hole of not being 100% anything. Not stay at home mom, not a career girl, not a sold-out blogger, not a persistent business woman....... just a poser trying to be in all those worlds. You know?

I could use your prayers as I take this leap of faith tomorrow and start this new job with a bit of an anxious heart. I trust that God will make it work for all of us or make it clear that it is not going to. I am at least gonna give it a shot and see if my heart will follow my feet. I'll let you know how it goes.


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7 comments:

Melinda January 13, 2010 at 11:55 PM  

Oh Farrah, reading this brought tears to my eyes! I just wish I could come over and give you a great big hug, because I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. Going off without the kids is so hard and there are so many emotions involved. It's never easy, never. In my case I really can't go off to work because I do not have anyone I can trust to properly care for the kids while I am gone, so try to think of that as a blesssing, that they will be there with their Dad who loves them very much. Good luck on your first day, and my thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.

Big hugs!!

Karen January 14, 2010 at 6:30 AM  

We live in a very polarized society, Farrah, telling us that we should be either A or B, making us feel that full devotion to one camp or another is the only option. breast or bottle? career or stay at home, red or blue, home school or public school? Pick one, pick one, pick one!
For me, I find this plays to my own insecurities about acceptance & love. I want to pick a camp and stick with it, so I have my team (Team Stay at Home or Team Go to Work), but the reality doesn't sit well with me. I don't like how each group judges the other. Quite often I can see both sides, the complicated layers that lead up to each individual making her best choice & seeing how it plays out & then changing as needed.
So, I end up with no team, no camp - or at least feeling that way - but actually, you are my team! As are so many other women falling in the cracks of our polarized world. You are giving up one thing to gain another - I don't know that I would classify that is not being their primary care giver. My 5 year old is in all day Kindergarten - 6.5 hours/5 days a week, but I know I am still his primary caregiver, just part of the car I give him is an appropriate schooling environment.

Many blessings on your first day & through this transition. I hope you all take to it like ducks to water.

Marketing Mommy January 14, 2010 at 9:26 AM  

Yes, you are leaving your boys in someone else's care (probably great, loving care from the little I know of you). But you're doing so because working will help you, your husband and your boys. There's no shame in supporting your family. I think your boys will look at you and your career accomplishments with pride.

Atwood-Family of 4 January 15, 2010 at 9:02 AM  

Farrah-so many thoughts on this but overwhelmly the thought that you are an amazing mother-easily better than 98% of moms out there and I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself. Not only is it not true (you are in no way being a bad mom because you are leaving them an extra day, aren't there to hear how L's day went, etc.) but it makes me wonder-if SHE thinks what she is doing isn't the best choice, then what does that say about ME and my parenting? I consider myself one of the 98% of moms that you are better then so when i read your insecurities, it just makes me feel bad about myself because i know i do so many more things that aren't the best choices for my kids. I know it's hard, as a woman especially, to not let our emotions rule but you have to know objectively you are an amzing mother, you have made the best choice for everyone-so don't let your emotions try and tell you you aren't making a good choice. Of course there will be transition tears, but you know it will be ok. Also, adding an extra day of work doesn't make you not the primary care giver! Unless you have started working 5 days a week for 12 hours a day and see them an hour a day, you are still their primary caregiver, still their world. Sometimes separation is a good thing-you are teaching your boys that there are other people in the world they can depend on to meet their needs, you are teaching them to not fear change, you are teaching them to be flexible, you are teaching them to extend their hears and let more people in. It is unhealthy to have only one or two people as a support system-we all have family and friends that are our support systems as adults, and we depend on them all. As an adult, it's unfair to put all that burden on one person, that one person can't meet those needs, so we instinctively have more (mothers, fathers, husband, friends, sisters, brothers, cousins, etc, etc.) You are showing your boys how to expand their support system-and doing it in an extremely balanced way! So chin up, you are doing great!

Nicole January 17, 2010 at 5:31 PM  

Prayers for you!

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