Tranquil

The beach has always been my haven, the place where I feel most at peace in my own skin. After my run along the beach road this morning, I sat for awhile, taking advantage of this kid-free time in my favorite of all places to be alone. The early sunlight, cool breeze, and the post-run feeling of accomplishment all made for a perfect moment of tranquility in my soul. Not to mention this heart drawn in the sand filled with red rose petals that some kind soul set up to give me a picturesque place to sit and have my moment (hehe!- or else somebody got married here last night!).

As I sat in the sand, I prayed and listened to the waves. I tried to practice the discipline of solitude, of being silent with my heart and head open to whatever God may have to fill me with. I am SO not good at this. My brain can't seem to stop filling the void with thoughts of to-do's or blog posts or etc... After several minutes of trying to clear my head, I turned on this song (Tenth Avenue North) in hopes that it would help my heart speak what I was trying to feel.



Such a powerful song for me. So raw and true. And as I sat on the beach and prayed this song, I felt my soul be at peace. I am a complicated girl. I have deep worries and lingering heartache. I have immense joy and overwhelming gratitude. I have so, so many thoughts and fears and hopes and questions constantly running through my head. I watch these two little men grow and wonder if I am measuring up to this task God has laid before me. If I can EVER measure up...

The more challenges life seems to throw my way, the more I am confronted with my own inabilities. What would happen if I let God's love just wash over me like these waves? Would I ever be able to let go of my "should be"s and "how can I"s and let God's love be over and underneath and inside and in between? I feel His hands and hear His voice standing in this early morning surf. But can I take this tranquility from here out to my day, my world beyond the sand? Usually not very well, but I am desperately wanting to give it another try.



"I hear you say 'My love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt Me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
...these times you're healing and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
...in times of confusion and chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone

my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between

I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends. "

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Accomplished

I finished a 10K race today. Without stopping. Under my time goal. And it feels good!!

I was so nervous about this one- it seemed like a big leap. I got myself so worked up, in fact, that when I crossed the START line, I was in tears and cried for the first 2-3min of the run. My emotions and adrenaline were all over the place. But I eventually settled in and felt good, even with the heat. It was sunny, in the low 80's with about 85% humidity so it felt pretty warm to me. Especially the last mile or so, I started feeling really tired. It is these types of moments where being stubborn is a positive trait. I told myself, I didn't come this far to quit and just kept going. One foot in front of the other, until I saw the water table at 5.5miles and then I picked up my speed a bit. The end was just around the corner. And then, there it was- the end- with my boys and some friends there to cheer me across.

Today, I feel less like a loser who does all things mediocre. After completing this race, I actually feel like I can do whatever I set my mind to. I set this goal for myself and now I can check this off. After seeing my official time, I started crying again. Relief and happiness. Just grateful for a moment when I see progress in myself, like I do have things going for me.
I texted a friend my official time (since she knew I was stressed about not making it under my time goal), and she told me I should write a letter to myself that I can read on those days when the feelings of pervasive mediocrity come creeping back in. So here it goes...

There are many things in life right now that feel unsure. It is easy to look at the tasks and situations that dominate my life and feel like I am wading through sludge, barely making ground and not ever getting anywhere. But take this feeling of accomplishment and ride it through. I am strong and determined. I can push through difficult things and reach the other side. I have trained myself to run this distance through sheer determination, even when joint pain and busy, tired days have made it even harder. I am proud of myself for what I accomplished today. I CAN do what I set my mind to, and show my boys that hard work DOES pay off eventually.

I know lots of people have accomplished much more and have done this race better than I could today. But the accomplishment of today, for me, still feels good. I am going to let this happiness sit for awhile. And hopefully it will find a nice place in my soul to set up camp for awhile.

I may not do many things well, but for today, I feel accomplished. And it feels good.



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Puddles!!

The only thing that little boys might like better than mud is puddles. Well, it is a pretty close tie. And the only thing that redeems rainy weather (again, for little boys- I personally love the rain!) is going out afterwards and stomping in the biggest, splashy-est puddle you can find!



And with lots of rain and puddles comes lots of worms. Lucas used his best 5yr old powers of persuasion to convince me that this particular worm needed to come home with us and be our pet. "He is small, quiet, and only eats dirt. He won't bother you one bit." We compromised and brought him into our backyard to live near one of our trees. And as Lucas dug him a hole and gently placed in the worm in the dirt, he wished the worm "happy times, little guy!"

And when you put put mud and puddles and worms all together in one spot... well, you get two very happy boys and one very smiley mama. When we got home and peeled off all the muddy clothes (in the garage), Caden says "tanks for de ab-venture, mommy." Makes any amount of muddy clothes worth it.



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Little Mud Monsters

We have been waiting SO LONG for some nice spring days. We have had a couple thrown in here and there surrounded by too many cold and rainy ones. So when a nice day come along, you gotta run with it. We took Lucas and Caden to the park yesterday and they found an awesome mud hole. I don't even fight it anymore. I don't even want to. It makes me smile deep into my soul to see them throwing rocks and sticks and grass into a mud pit then stir it with a stick proudly announcing that they have created the "most delicious sea monster soup ever!"

They are, after all, just little boys. And little boys love mud. It is one of the laws of nature.



Today, of course, is rainy and chilly again. But here's hoping that we have more beautiful days of mud-play coming soon.



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Mighty to Save

It has been pointed out to me that this blog is a little heavy on posts about Lucas lately and not as many about Caden. This is certainly not intentional or ANY indication of my affection for one over the other. Just happened that way, I guess. But in response to his fans, here is an adorable video of my sweet youngest. He loves to sing, this song in particular. And the Robin costume and sunglasses and mid-song-stubbornry just say it all about this little man.



This is the same sweet little guy that wanted to cuddle with mama last night and then today nailed me in the head with a Batman toy because he was frustrated I wouldn't buy him a StarWars toy he saw another kid playing with. Yeah... that's my 2yr old. (Almost 3 now, I guess.) Super lovey and sweet when he chooses. Super stubborn and defiant also when he chooses. He can bring out the frustration in me way faster than his brother ever did. But I simply adore him and how he loves to rub my thumbnail to soothe himself. Oh, sweet little Caden...



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Preschool... Check!!

Lucas officially finished preschool today. He stood up on the stage with two of his favorite little friends, reciting their poems and singing their songs, and just like that my little baby left preschool behind with bigger things on the horizon. Bigger things like kindergarten and all that, but not necessarily better things. Loretto has been an amazing place for Lucas. His teachers are nurturing and instructive and put their whole hearts into being with the kids. We all feel so fortunate for them and can't wait for Caden to start next fall (if he'll potty train).

I cried through most of the program. Happy tears through a smile as big as the room. I was just so stinkin' proud of him and just kept picturing that moment when they first handed him to me in the hospital recovery room. He was this chubby, rosy faced little person who was going to change me forever in ways I could never fathom.
And now he is this smart (and a little sassy, too much sometimes) and tender little boy who is getting ready to take on the world. I asked him this morning as we were leaving for the program if he was ready to graduate preschool. He turned to me and said, "Mom, I was born ready!" And I pretty much think he's right.
I couldn't stop hugging him today, just wanting to cement in my soul the feeling of holding him while he can still fit in my lap. And I have to say that I also hugged Caden a bit tighter today. It won't be too long until I am living this day with him too.

Even as I type this, Caden is asleep next to me on the couch (at 11pm). He came down crying while I was finishing my nightly ritual of watching RealHousewives while blogging or playing on FB. I didn't have the heart to take him back to bed when all he wanted was to cuddle with his mama. And now his precious face is smushed against my arm and he is contentedly back to sleep. I hope neither of them get too old- EVER- to stop needing the comfort of being close to mama. I know I will never -EVER- stop needing the comfort of holding them close.

Happy last-day-of-preschool, my sweet Lucas! You are as vital to me as my heartbeat. I am so proud of the little boy you are and who you are becoming. You are gentle and kind-hearted and feel things so deeply. Your capacity for love and knowledge knows no bounds. My precious little preschooler... moving onto life's next task. Preschool? Check! Bring on the world!




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Half Way to...

Today was Lucas' last real day of preschool. Boy, has that snuck up on me. My little baby is half-way to leaving me already. Well, closer anyway. Seems like just yesterday I was stressing about which preschool to choose and now I am working my a** off to make the first tuition payment for private school kindergarten.

Actually, I have been working my a** off at a lot of things lately and yet I don't feel like I am getting very much ahead. I am having one of those days weeks months where it seems that no matter what I am trying to do, I can only get half way. Half way to what, I am not totally sure. But I just know that, if you put all my many task/hobbies/endeavors/jobs/roles on a line measuring success, they would all lie much closer to rookie than to expert.

Tonight, I was in the midst of a million different things, as usual. Caden came toddling down the stairs with such a sweet smile on his face, just wanting to cuddle a little. And of course I obliged. Cuddling that sweet little man close is what keeps me going. These two boys and their daddy are all that really matters to me. And yet, I let so many other things occupy my time and energy and thoughts. And then there is this Lupus thing... and that is a whole other story. Or more accurately, the wrench in the story.

Right now, I just need to go to bed. Along with being half-way to good at something and halfway to having my sh*t together, I am half-way asleep already and need to just give in. On the bright side, I held a sweet newborn baby girl today and she felt so perfect. :)



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