Fragile

>> Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I am a perfectionist. This is no secret. And this little personality flaw trait sometimes hinders my ability to keep up on this blog. I want each post to be perfect and initiating the inertia to post something becomes harder and harder the longer I go without posting. I don't know where to start. Should I just jump in (do you care about all the little things?) or should I not post unless I have something truly profound or meaningful to say? Can I put up a review of our new favorite children's book if I haven't filled y'all in on the happenings of my life lately? All these silly bloggy questions.... Truthfully, none of it feels relevant tonight.

Today, I got a surprise visit from my good friend reality. The reality of the fragility of life seemed to smack me in the face today. A friend from work lost her husband to cancer. They have two small girls who are really missing their daddy tonight. I also got the news that a close family friend has advanced large cell lymphoma. Her doctors are treating her aggressively, trying to increase her chances of surviving it. She is older than me, younger than my parents, has three kids and grandbabies on the way. A bloggy friend lost her baby today. She went in for her 18wk. ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. Not cool. None of it.

On top of all this, I turn 33 tomorrow. Not that I am upset about that. I am really not that phased by it at all. I used to make a big deal out of my birthday. And I do still like to receive a little extra TLC on my one day and feel appreciated and celebrated. But that looks different now than it used to. But there is just something about birthdays that makes me step back and assess my life and priorities and all the such. One of my sweetest friends came over with her two kiddos this morning and we talked and watched the little ones play trains while the older ones played out in the snow. It was refreshing and fun and just what we both needed. And as usually happens with this dear friend, our conversation got me thinking even more about the things in my life that are meaningful and important.

I was accused recently of being selfish and only caring about what happens to me and my sons. And while I certainly have selfish moments or days or months, it is days like today where I realize that is mostly untrue. My heart hurts for these people in my life who are experiencing the harsh side of life's fragility. I have been there. I am there at times. I know that life is fragile. I have felt it slip away. I watch Caden play trains with his little friend and Lucas sled down our tiny hill, laughing and being a little boy. Certainly my heart is completely caught up in these boys. But the reality is that no matter how hard I try, I do not hold their lives. Only the angels surrounding them and God's love and perfect plan for them keep them safe and on the right path. And it is because of God's love for me that I have these boys at all. And a husband who loves me despite my selfishness. And friends who come over to let me vent and talk about my fears and failures and fragile places (that is a whole other blog post!!).

Even though my life is fairly stable at the moment, I know that my next moment could bring my familiar friend reality knocking again at my door. Life is fragile like that. I have known my own tragedy but I stand here today with my hubby and my boys and friends and family who love me. And I know that I am extravagantly blessed even during life's most fragile moments.


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2 comments:

bethibook.com January 7, 2010 at 5:58 AM  

Sometimes life is hard, there is no doubt about that. On the other hand, sometimes it seems all too easy. I think that blogging can lead others to believe that a person is completely wrapped up in themselves and their small lives... while in reality it is just a blog. What you write down is a small part of who you are, a glimpse into the interests you are willing to exhibit for the world to see. Would anyone lay bare their deepest feelings and ideas and emotions for the world to see on a regular basis? I think not, we usually refer to those people as unstable, attention seeking or "movie stars", HA! But really... you do a great job with your blog AND your life Farrah. Don't doubt yourself, and enjoy being 33!

gg April 22, 2010 at 2:22 AM  

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