Off Guard

The calender and the weather tell me that it is April. March has come and gone, Lucas has turned 4 and I've already had my toes in the sand. Spring is here. The air is warm, the sun is shining and we are emerging from our Chicago-winter hibernation. It is already mid April, and while I am very excited for most of what that brings, I feel like spring is catching me a little off-guard.
I sat out at Micah's tree for awhile today, trying to collect my thoughts. His birthday is next week and I am feeling a bit unprepared. Even sitting out at the tree today, my mind was flooded with all sorts of other things and worries that I couldn't clear away as I tried to intentionally think about deeper things. As I tried to remember. I did have a good cry though. About missing him and about all the other things that seem to be weighing on my mind and heart right now.
(I should not let myself blog when I am in this kind of mood. But, then again, that is kinda why I have this blog- to help me filter my thoughts and figure it all out.)

I am kinda in a "one-day at a time" mode right now which is why next week is coming so fast. I am trying to get things done and stay on top of life all while living it to the fullest. Add in a couple extra challenges (physical and situational) and I am at times just keeping my head above water even before adding in the pressure and emotion of figuring out what grief in year 6 looks like.
(I should have blogged yesterday when it was 80degrees and I played outside with my boys all day and had biscuits and gravy for dinner- it was a great day!! See, I am not always this melancholy.)

Spring is here and I am not quite ready. Micah's tree is staring to bud, and it is so beautiful to me. I have heard that often times it takes a couple season-cycles for new trees to bud, so I am grateful that ours is blooming this first spring. The air is sweet and fresh, just like the new signs of life on the branches. I, however, am a bit flustered, a bit unorganized, a bit off guard. But I am also intent on being intentional in how I live the next few weeks. I will try not be dictated by my to-do list. My heart tells me to shake off the "shoulds" and obligations and see where that takes me. I will say that my week in Florida with no laptop and no phone really made me feel free to enjoy my boys and my downtime in refreshing ways. I want to keep that up. But we'll see how it really goes. Right now, I just need to get my thoughts and "to-do"s in order so that no matter what the next few weeks look like, I am ready.

Welcome, Spring. I am glad your here. I just need to catch up a bit.


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