Waiting for the Bloom

When I first visited the tree, I did not see what I had expected to see. Although, I am not exactly sure what I did expect, I was still caught a little by surprise. It was smaller than I thought. There are no leaves. It is small and bare.
"It will grow," Hubby said. "The leaves will come."
I know that. But I was really hoping for some leaves now. I am ready for spring. I need signs of spring.
We stood around the tree, remembering and longing, with many of our close friends and family. It was rainy and chilly and the skys were gray. "What a beautiful tree," they all said. And I agreed. It is beautiful. It is just not what I expected.

Kinda like my tree-Micah's tree- life is what it is. (that is profound, eh?) I am not sure what I expected life to be like but this is not exactly it. But it is still beautiful. Hard, exhausting, and full of ups and downs. But beautiful none-the-less. I have a place to sleep and food to eat and a husband who loves me and three amazing boys and friends who support me and a God who holds me and lifts my head. Beautiful.
It is all about my perspective. When I get two hours of sleep and Lucas won't stop whining and Caden is not content to leave my side and marriage feels so complicated, life feels so small and bare. Where are the leaves, the signs of spring? When I wake up in the morning and I have two beautiful boys snuggled close at my side and the sun is shining through the window and I don't feel tired, life feels in full bloom. But even in the moments when I am overwhelmed by the richness of the life God has given me, I still feel a bit small and bare. I get too easily bogged down by the hard things. I can't keep my focus on Him and the eternal. My priorities are often out of wack. I let the fatigue and busyness keep me from appreciating. I see myself as that small, bare tree. Waiting, hoping for some leaves to bud soon. Watching for the bloom of spring in me.

My last five years have been crazy- full of life changes and adjustments. Moving, babies, new jobs, mourning, rejoicing, counseling, fear, joy... But that does not make me unique. I am not the only one who has had her life turned upside down and had to pick things up and figure out how to move on. I am just not sure I have done it well. Which brings me to here. This place of gratitude but discontentment. Motherhood is hard, marriage is hard and yet both those things are what make life so rich. Thankfully, God does not see my bare branches. He sees me in full bloom. I am exactly what He expected. No more, no less. He knew I would have these challenges and these joys and is holding my hand and leading me through. Have these five years been God pruning me, cutting away what I thought were my leaves only to leave me more bare and small? Has He been preparing me for my true Spring?

Life is what it is. Sometimes sad and disappointing. But also full to the brim. Sometimes this tree seems small and bare. But it will grow. The leaves will come. Spring will come.




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