Regaining What Was Lost

It has been a truly strange day for me. Actually, I haven't really felt like myself in awhile but I can see it starting to slowly come back. I think.

I was asked this morning by a friend to pick up her son and bring him to church while they got some painting done at their new house. As we loaded him into the car, squeezing the booster seat in between our boys' carseats, I got this strange feeling. Kinda like deja vu, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Driving to church, Lucas and Caden were loving having their friend sitting between them. The three of them were passing different monster toys back and forth and making dinos roar, having a grand ol' time. Lucas especially was all grins. It was amazing how adding this extra little guy made us all smile more and laugh more even though Hubby and I made the comment that we were truly outnumbered by little boys now. When we arrived at church, Hubby got the two older boys out of the car and I got Caden out of his seat. I turned to grab something out of the car to bring into church and when I turned back, I saw Hubby walking along the sidewalk with three boys at his side. It clicked for me in that moment.
The feeling of me and Hubby and three boys, all walking into church together, it felt good. It felt right. I know the other was not mine. But it gave me this rare, tangible glimpse of what we are missing. It made me want to get pregnant just to get that glimpse back. To somehow regain what we have lost. (I know, I know... it would do nothing of the sort. And I really DON'T want to be pregnant.) Having that extra little boy today made me feel like we are meant to be a family of 5. We are a family of 5, we are just not all together. Yet.

Then tonight, along with the majority of the country, Hubby and I sat and watched the LOST series finale. I know there have been all kinds of theories about the metaphors and story lines on this show. I don't even pretend to know the deeper meaning intended by the writers. What I do know, is that tonight, as I watched, I felt sad and yet comforted. (**Potential spoiler alert**) Each character in tonight's finale was reunited with their friends and those they loved while on the island. They had been going about "life," not remembering the events of the island, and at first it seems as if we are seeing what might have happened if the plane had never crashed. But the moment they touch someone whom they loved, the memories of all the shared experiences and the love flash back and their full memories are complete. They remember what it was like to hold their love, to kiss them. They remember both happy and sad times. It is as if the two worlds merge and they are all at once complete. (It seemed to me to be a picture of heaven but I am not at all trying to say that is what it was intended to mean.) As I sat and watched, having had the morning I did, I once again longed for my turn at completion.
Whenever I think about heaven or am asked about what I hope for the most, I pray one thing: When the day comes when Christ in His glory comes through the clouds to take us all to heaven and I get to see my precious first born again, that one touch of his hand in mine will bring a flood of memories, both lived and unlived. I pray that heavenly wholeness includes a restoration of the things that were lost. That in that moment, I will have memories of Micah in my arms and watching his first steps and teaching him to ride a bike and taking him for his first day of school and watching him play with his brothers and seeing Hubby and all his boys walk hand-in-hand down the sidewalk to church. And he will know me as his mother, who held him and fed him and loved him without break or the interruption of death. We will both be complete, in body and in heart and in memory. And kinda like in LOST tonight, my life as Micah's mom and my life as Lucas and Caden's mom will merge and I will know what it is like to feel whole, like truly and completely me.

I guess this has been an appropriate ending to a kinda strange day that began with me feeling that void more strongly than usual. Tomorrow will hopefully be a little more... or maybe a little less... I don't know how to finish that. I would never wish to not miss him. But until the restoration day, Lord may you heal my heart and strengthen my body and keep my focused on the things that truly matter. Amen.



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