Here We Go

>> Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I had an appointment with a fourth rheumatologist today. Can you tell I am having a hard time accepting the truth that is staring me in the face? She is a very highly respected, well-known rheumatologist at Loyola Hospital. It took me months to get this appointment and yet I almost didn't go. But something in me had to know if she would have anything different to say. But she didn't. Just more of the same. "Yes, it looks like Lupus... Yes, you have to be on the Prednisone.... Yes, you will be on this other medication long term.... No, you can't be out in the sun.... Yes, you may have other flare ups of varying severity in the future... " blah, blah, blah

I am not as stubborn as this whole process is making me seem. I am just thorough. Right? Plus I am truly having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that I have a chronic illness. Even typing that makes me feel icky. Can that really be true? I ran 2miles tonight. I drove Lucas to a swim lesson and planned a fun fair and helped a friend find an apartment and ... I am a fully functioning mom-of-two boys that can't be bothered with this. Add in some moderate joint pain and some other pretty un-arguable evidence and then you have the full picture.

So this is me, coming to peace with this whole thing: Taking my pills as directed and not as my nurse-brain/reluctant heart prescribes instead. Reading a Lupus magazine while waiting for the doctor today and trying not to let myself get worried or sad or bitter. Visiting a Lupus blog tonight and trying to figure out how or if I fit into this new world.

Like or not, I am here in a place of figuring out how best to deal with these cards that I am being given. I am not super sick. I have some achy hands and wrists and feet but that is about it and even that is getting better. But yet, I have 4 professional people telling me they see clear indicators that my body has some funky issues going on. And I have to take medication to keep the funk under control or worse funk could be coming down the line.
So, here we go... I guess I have Lupus. Certainly not what I had next on my life's agenda. But I am here anyway and learning to come to terms with it. And make the best of it. And not freak out. And not over-dramatize. And not underestimate. And not ignore the things I need to do to make it better just because I don't want to have limitations. And ask for help if I need it (ouch). And not let it stop me, unless it needs to stop me... ya' know? And give my boys the best of me without letting it take everything out of me.

Here we go....

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Kiki July 21, 2010 at 1:22 AM  

Love you, dear friend!

We need a long talk in person soon!

Lisa Marie

Jill July 21, 2010 at 1:43 AM  

Lupus may be your thorn right now, but it may be a dazzling doorway into delving into knowing more about yourself and your relationship with God. Probably not what you want to hear right now, but that is what comes to mind.

Melissa July 21, 2010 at 6:23 AM  

Oh honey, while I don't know how you feel I know Lupus is not again kind of life sentence! I used to work with the most amazing nurse, so kind and full of life. She had lupus and I didn't know for long time b/c it was so well controlled. She swore by a vegetarian diet! You will find a way to come through this stronger I know. God doesn't give us more then we can handle.

Melinda July 24, 2010 at 10:18 AM  

I am always here for you Farrah! Please feel free to email me anytime you need someone to talk to or just to listen. I know this must be hard. I live with my husband's heart disease and that is really tough, but I can imagine it would be harder facing my own chronic illness. Prayers and love are always coming your way from here. (((Hugs)))

Lucy August 19, 2010 at 5:40 PM  

I'm catching up on blog reading, so I'm just now seeing this. I'm so sorry about this diagnosis. I can only imagine how frustrating and scary it must be, but how wonderful to have medications and therapies that will hopefully keep it at bay. Hang in there, girl!

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