Living and Striving

Almost exactly one year ago, I began running as a way to get into better shape post-childbearing / breastfeeding /weaning. Also a year ago, I started having the progressive joint pain that eventually led to a diagnosis of Lupus and a somewhat rocky ride so far.

So here I am. There have been some key changes in my life this past year and yet I wish I was not where I am. I don't know if it is the toll of a year of painful joint swelling and achy-ness or the sparse winter-running or the absence of the prednisone I was taking last spring/summer... but my running lately is kinda crappy. I am slow, my legs feel like lead, my head is SO not in the game. I signed myself up for a couple races in hopes that it will give me a much-needed push.
But truthfully, this whole Lupus thing sucks (pardon my French!). Really. Maybe I have mentioned that once or twice before. Admittedly, things are way better now than last spring. My pain is less although consistent. I do have some new symptoms now that I didn't have before but all this is stuff I can live with. Annoying, yes. But liveable. I have been eating gluten-free and trying to be dairy-free too (although that is much harder for me) and that seems to help. It has helped me drop a few pounds which makes me feel better mentally at the very least.

But you don't care about the details. I'm not sure I really do either. Bottom line: I am in the midst of asking God this question: how much of life is supposed to be spent just living and how much is to be spent striving for something more?

I desire so many things: A calmer spirit/mind, more compassion and patience with my boys, to run a 5K in 30min or less, a bigger house with a fenced yard, less debt, more romance, .... I would say that all those things (and the dozens of things I didn't list) are not bad things to want or hope for. But the cumulative effect of constant striving is driving me mad.
For example, I have stopped asking myself (and my rheumatologist) if I will ever be pain-free in my hands. I am setting my expectations low and hoping to be surprised.
But ultimately, if I live in this house forever and continue to lose my patience with the boys and have achy hands and run slow.... that is the reality of where I am. I can try to improve the things I can but I'm having to also come to terms with these blatant limitations and short-comings (both physical and emotional) that are staring me in the face.
I am not saying I am giving up. I am too stubborn for that. I will keep running and keep trying to figure out ways to better my situation both physically and financially and emotionally. I have just been asking God to show me the times when striving is good and the times I need to step back and just live.

I should end by saying I really do have so much to be thankful for: my sweet Lucas is turning 5 in 2weeks, Caden is spunky-as-ever, I am about to have a new niece, I get to go to Costa Rica for a week in April with Hubby's work, I have a job and friends I enjoy... all reasons to emphasize the living more than the striving.





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