Unfixable

What a dreary day. This whole week actually has been nothing but gray skies and cold weather. It kinda sucks actually. What happened to spring?
In other news, today is Micah's birthday.

I stopped at the tree last Friday after having a conversation with some dear friends the night before. The emotions of all this have really snuck up on me this year. I felt totally unprepared to dive with my friends into what year seven looks like in this grieving journey and yet I didn't want to miss my chance to process it with the people who love me most. So at the tree last Friday and then again today, the emotions finally all caught up with me. Sometimes, what my soul needs is just to let go and cry a little. Or a lot. Holding the longing in just makes it worse.

I told a friend today that I don't miss my baby Micah anymore. I guess I have moved past the stage of grief where you continually re-live the tragedy and feel angry that there wasn't a different outcome. The ache I feel here in year 7 is just this unfixable longing for my family to be complete. I mean, I love my two boys with every fiber of my being. They bring me more joy than I ever thought imaginable. But if I am being totally honest, I seem to always feel a sense that something is not quite whole. Especially this week. This is the only week of the year that I want to get pregnant and have another baby. Like I think that will somehow make the feeling of lacking go away.
What I really want, I can never have. I want Lucas to have his older brother. Someone to hold his hand and help him navigate this life the way he does for Caden. Lucas is such a sensitive, intuitive kid. He has been telling people all day today that it is his brother Micah's birthday and that we are sad because he isn't here but that we will see him in heaven someday. His little face just looks at me with a knowing. A knowing he didn't get from living through it. He just knows. He gets the hurt and longing in ways I cannot even fathom or describe. But he cuddles up to me and takes my hand or just wants to be close, like he needs the comforting too. I sometimes feel so unequipped to help Lucas navigate his emotions- heck, I can barely navigate my own sometimes. And I can just see how having his older brother around would ease his little soul.

Truthfully, it breaks my heart into a million pieces that Lucas does not have Micah, that I don't have him. When I imagine having a seven year old running around my house, loving on his pup and his little brothers, I just know in my soul that THAT is what would make me feel whole. But it is THAT that I cannot have. So this longing, this deep ache in my soul, remains unfixable. I can't imagine that this stage of the grieving will ever go away. Maybe it will feel less something... well, just less.... in years 8 and 9 and 10 and ... But I don't expect to wake up one day and say "Wow, I'm glad to be over that." But yet, in year 1 I didn't think I would ever have children or be able to go on with life as usual. And yet, I have 2 amazing boys and a semi-"usual" life. So who knows.

Do I sound like a broken record? I feel like one. Just turn me off if you have heard this song too many times. I'll play a new song soon, most likely.

Oh, and I am getting a tattoo. Yep.



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