What if We...

>> Monday, July 20, 2009

As I Caden turns one and life moves into the next phase (aka- the I don't have a baby and should hopefully start to get more sleep phase), I've been thinking a lot lately about the shape of my life. What fills my days? What rules my thoughts and attitude? I am not always content with my answers to those questions. Am I the person/mother/wife/etc. that I want to be? Sometimes. Too often my lack of sleep or rushing to get somewhere or do something brings out this side of me that I am not proud of. I know I tend to let my priorities get out of whack. I put others' opinions of me WAY too high on my motivation list. I put the needs of my family on the backburner to things I think will bring me more approval or favor or... whatever else from other people. I know that I frequently go into self-protection mode, not having faith that anyone else will care about my needs.

This is not how I want my life to be.

In a meager first attempt to stop this cycle, to get on a better path, I have been asking myself what I am afraid of? What is driving me and my decisions? What things are really,truly important? What would happen if I took an emotional risk and....

What if I... took the time to listen to those I love? I mean really listen. What would I hear that I have so far been missing?
What if I... took more time to talk with Lucas and really listen to what he has to say? I do this a lot, I really do. But I talk at him a lot too. I raise my voice to get my point across or bring a swift end to whatever he's doing that I want him to stop. I squelch the back-talking and the "But Mommy!" But if I want him to grow up feeling heard and genuinely valued, I need to step back and close my mouth more.

What if I... stopped protecting my heart and started loving with abandon?
What if I... stopped worrying about making sure I was taken care of and recklessly threw myself into the care of the boys entrusted to me? I am often so afraid that my needs won't be met, that my opinions won't be heard, that my hurts won't be attended to. What if I just let it go?
What if I stopped depending on Hubby and others to make me feel wanted/needed? What if I stopped looking outward for my self-worth?
What if I... learned to find joy in the mundane?
What if I.. started accepting my Hubby and my sons for who/what they are and stopped try to make them something they are not?
What if I... did the same for myself?

What if I... could truly say that "God is enough?" How would that change how I live?

What if I... said yes more than I said no? Yes to my boys, I mean, not the million of things I say yes to that force me to say no to them and myself.

What if I...did nothing else for the rest of my life but pour myself into my family and friends? Would I feel successful? Would I feel important?
What if I...let go of this need to feel important and successful?

Life is a journey, a process. I just feel like mine may have gotten a little off path. But I am working on that. Or rather, I am asking God to do that and teach me how to be receptive to His answers to all my "What Ifs."

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Literacygirl July 20, 2009 at 7:07 AM  

Here is my non-Biblical life motto:

Don't make radical promises: Tackle one small moment at a time.

I think being really present during the small moments is a way to really live and experience life.

And yes, learning that God's love is enough is lesson I'm constantly relearning.

Anonymous July 20, 2009 at 2:55 PM  

I wish we could go have lunch with my friend Kari in Morocco. You would love her and your boys are very similar.

She is rereading Everyday Talk http://www.amazon.com/Everyday-Talk-Talking-Naturally-Children/dp/097230469X now that her kids are older, and said it's been even more helpful than it was when she read it when they were younger (her oldest is almost 6, then just turned 4 and about months). Anyway, when she was sharing about the book I thought of you and Lucas, since he's such a conversationalist, and forgot to email you in the craziness of the trip...but your post just brought it back to mind! Anyway, might be one you'd enjoy.

After getting to see you twice in just a few months, it seems like it's been too long again! Would love to see you and catch up in person - email and googlechat just don't cut it!

Love you, Farrah-Bearah!
Lisa Marie

The Hen July 21, 2009 at 10:53 PM  

I think about many of these same things -- particularly saying yes instead of no to my children.

Every day is a new day and a chance to do better (that is my motto).

Melinda July 23, 2009 at 3:46 PM  

I can't believe he is 1 already!! Where did the time go?? I am back to blogging after a long break, I hope you will stop by for an update.

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