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>> Monday, July 27, 2009

My very pregnant sister-in-law came to hang out with us the other day. I love her cute pregnant belly. I love hearing how her daughter still has so much room to wiggle in there. I love all the tiny pink clothes and the anticipation of waiting for her arrival. I see her, waiting for her baby to be born. On the verge of her life changing in ways that are impossible to predict or prepare her for. Then I look at my baby, my almost one-year-old baby. I was exactly where she is a year ago. Pregnant and waiting.

I actually LOVE being pregnant even though it is full of drama for me. I love knowing that my child is growing inside my womb, safe and protected and nurtured. I love feeling him move and kick. I don't even mind all the other discomforts because the miracle of it all overshadows all the hassle. But even though all those things are true, I am fairly sure that I am done having babies. I might want another one down the road, FAR down the road. But even that is just a maybe.

I have often wondered what kind of mom I would be if I could focus all my time and attention on one kid. Would I be too smothering? Would I be more creative and attentive? Would I be able to homeschool like I ideally would want to? Having two kids right now stretches my emotional and physical energy. Although, that seems to be getting better the older Caden gets. And while the reality of having two right now does not always bring out the best in me, I ultimately think I may be better able to be the kind of mother that I want to be if I don't have anymore kids and can focus my time and energy on my two boys. On those days when I am rested and on my mommy-game, this feels manageable. More than that, it feels ideal and fulfilling and the way I want my life to be. Throw another newborn in the mix, the night feedings and all that having an infant brings, and I don't know how I would deal with it at this point.

That being said, it is sad to think of never being pregnant again or snuggling a newborn in my sling. I may have to use my newborn neice or my sisters' babies to take care of my need for sling-cuddles. Admitedly, I feel genuinely torn. So we have decided not to decide, at least for now. We went forward with a birth control option that gives us about 5years of worry-free family planning. Maye 4years from now, I will realize that I can handle one more and that our family would be able to stretch to make more room. OR.... it may be crystal clear that my baby days are through and I can put all my energy into my 5and 7 year old boys. I'm sure by that time, I will have a lot of energy, right?

Maybe I will want to try for a girl and maybe I will be so in the thick of little league and karate that tea parties and tutus won't seem to fit in my world.

And there is always the question of adoption. I have always wanted to adopt. Since my first trip to China when I was a senior in highschool, I know that my family would one day include a Chinese daughter. And that is still the basic plan... but you know how plans go sometimes. I have heard some horrow stories about adoption and some great successes. Regardless, it is something that has always been in my heart and in my life plan. But if losing Micah taught me anything, it is that what I plan and try to prepare for is ALWAYS second to and totally dependant on God's higher plan. I could get pregnant next month or never again- God knows and holds it all.

Life feels perfect right now. I mean, crazy busy and not enough sleep and kinda chaotic. But slowly I am getting back to level ground after years of a roller coaster life. And I think I want to keep these feet planted for awhile. For the sake of myself, my marriage, my boys. I am not saying forever. But for awhile at least.



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3 comments:

Katharos July 29, 2009 at 7:27 AM  

I just love hearing what is on your heart. Hope you and the boys are doing well.

Melinda August 26, 2009 at 6:50 PM  

Farrah, I loved reading this post. I find that now that Abby is here life is hectic and crazy and wonderful, and since late in my pregnancy I've felt the desire for more. My DH even admitted that only our lack of money makes him not want to add to our family. We will probably use birth control for the next year, but after that I hope to fulfill this desire. We'll see.

Thanks again for the clothes!!

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