Becoming a better me

>> Tuesday, September 18, 2007

This post has been circling in my head for a few weeks. I got canceled at work today but I let my mother-in-law take my son anyway so I could have some time to get things done, including work through these thoughts in my head. You know how life gets so busy at times that you don't even have time to know your own thoughts. That is where I am. So again I find myself using this blog to help me process...

I got a speeding ticket a few months ago and had to complete the online driving school. That got me thinking that there are lots of areas of my life where I need to be more intentional, take things slow, don't rush.
Lately I have been feeling like life up to this point has been a series of short-term decisions. Sure, a couple of those decisions had long-term effects like what career should I have, who should I marry, should I have children... But I don't think that when I made the decision to be a nurse or to marry Marcus or to have children that I realized what that would really look like in the long-term. I feel like I have sort-of been coasting through life, making the next decision that is up on deck but not really being intentional about life and my impact on others and the world and my own mental well-being. Before I had Lucas, I asked some friends who I respect as parents if they had been intentional about... and before I could finish my sentence, they said "no." They said it was really hard to be intentional as parents, that so much of the time you are just dealing with what is in the now and don't have much time for planning for what comes next. That is exactly what my life has been to this point... so focused on getting through the now that I lose focus on planning for the next.

I have all these ideals for myself and for my family. I should do more to protect the environment, I should always have healthy organic meals for my boys, I should have time to exercise and be able to drop that pesky final 10lbs. My marriage should be romantic and intimate. I should do creative activities with my son regularly, teaching him and shaping him. Instead, I end up feeding them whatever can be put together in the time I have and I still have those 10lbs. I am not as intentional in my marriage and with my son as I should be. I have an unfortunate lack of self-control which makes this even harder for me. For example, my husband is a saver and I am a spender which gets me into trouble more often than it should for a 30yr. old. If I drive past Wendy's and feel like a Frosty then it is hard for me to not turn in (that's probably why I still have that pesky 10lbs.) I signed up for a women's bible study to help me be more intentional spiritually and I ended up doing all five daily entries in one night. I get frustrated with myself for not being more like I want myself to be. I want to become a better me.

I want to take the time to plan intentional, healthy meals. Marcus and I need to schedule some "date nights" that may only consist of sitting in a quiet room together once the dog and Lucas are asleep so we can talk and reconnect. I am trying to use fabric grocery bags (that's a good first step to being more "green" I hope). How to take some of these things from the "I want to" and "I should" to "I am " and "we are" is the challenge for me. Getting it out is a helpful step. It feels a little vulnerable to admit so publicly that I fall short in so many areas. It feels scary to take down the curtain and let people see that even if there is sometimes the appearance of order, I am usually just trying to keep up.

I want to stop "just keeping up" and start living as the better me that I want to be. I can think of so many things that I would like to be part of the better me, it can be a little overwhelming. I guess I'll start by driving slower and not turning into Wendy's next time the Frosty craving hits. Maybe those will be the first steps on this journey to the better, more intentional me.


Ash September 19, 2007 at 1:28 PM  

Farrah, Sometimes I get overwhelmed when I think about all the ways I want to be a better me. Thanks for being honest about it. I have been learning a lot this year about giving myself grace, not as an excuse for doing nothing, but as a way to free myself up to do little things. Small steps, focusing on one thing at a time, not trying for a total transformation in all areas of life...this is what life is about. I am learning to be thankful that God has made me aware of the need to change, however slowly, and that I am not too content or apathetic to care.

So grace and peace to you. You are an amazing woman, wife and mommy. I have seen that firsthand. None of us are perfect, but you are a woman that God is working in and through, and I have no doubt that he will continue that work. He promises it. It is His work, after all, we are just sharing in it. There is some comfort in that.

Farrah September 20, 2007 at 5:12 PM  

Thanks so much for your encouragement Ashley. It is so nice to have friends that show you grace as a reminder to show grace to yourself. I think I am just tired of not feeling faithful to take those small steps. So I get impatient and try to make big changes that don't last and that only fuels my frustration. I need to pray that God will help me see what small things I can do to feel like I am on the right path and not just coasting through. I do need to view myself as more of His work in progress than a mess of ways I fall short. Thanks for your sweet words of encouragement.

B September 21, 2007 at 1:04 PM  

i definitely get where you're coming from. i feel like i spend so much seeking out what i *want* to become, or the person i'd like to be, that in the end i have no energy left (or time, for that matter) to just *BE* that person. ya know? i get so wrapped up in seeking, that i forget to find. this is a really great post...and it's something i'm more than sure everyone struggles with. i mean, show me one person who is everything they've ever aspired to be. it's a never ending process. but hopefully, we'll learn how to get there -- mostly anyway.

thanks for stopping by my blog, btw. great posts on here :)

btw, we have a lot in common! i have a 16 month old son, and we just adopted a 2 year old beagle LOL

Heather October 2, 2007 at 7:33 PM  

Hi Farrah,

I'm catching up on your blog here.
Thanks for sharing this thoughtful post. I can totally relate to feeling so overwhelmed by the ideals I have and not being able to make the changes happen. As you know just trying to do one thing (cook healthy meals) has totally freaked me out over here in my little world.

It is so hard. I love what Ash said about God working and and through you. I do think you are amazing and I truly look up to you because of the way you really look at your life and evaluate it and are so honest about it---even when it's hard to make the changes you want to. It's hard for all of us.

Peace to you indeed friend.

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