Think, think, think...

Recently Lucas has gotten into watching "Tigger and Pooh" on Disney channel. I have to admit this is because it comes on at 6:30am and it is Mommy's way of getting a few extra minutes of sleep. He affectionately calls the show "think, think, think" with his cute little finger on his cheek because that is what Pooh does.... he thinks. Life seems to be coming at me so fast these days that I long to be a little more like Pooh. I want to sit under a tree and think, think, think. Sitting on my couch with my laptop will have to do for now...
Do you ever feel like you have no non-asleep free time? Because I am pregnant and nauseous and chasing a toddler, when I have free time I sleep. But also because I am pregnant, I have so many "things" in my head that I need to sort through, to figure out. Thankfully, a blessed friend took Lucas to her house to play this morning so I could have a few hours to sleep clean think.

A few months ago a read a post by a woman who had found out some potential bad news re: her pregnancy. She speaks here about being terrified to know the truth but needing so desperately to know so that she can go on with the rest of her life with this baby as a part of it, no matter what. At the time, her thoughts resonated deeply with me, like watching an old home movie and reliving events from my past. But now, being pregnant again and facing the 50% possibility of losing another child, those same thoughts run through my head in real time in a never-ending loop of doubt and fear and sincere attempts at joy.

To be able to say "no matter what" ... kinda tough at times. How does one finish that phrase? No matter what, I will survive it. Or, I will have joy. I will be content. I will trust God's plan. No matter what, I will be able to be a good mom to Lucas. I will not go insane or lose my true self. I will enjoy this baby, this pregnancy. No matter what, I will be a mother of three.

Like my friend Heather, I have been pondering last week's sermon at our little house church about the first few verses of James. James writes:

"2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

"Consider it joy"... also kinda tough. To thank God for our trials does not come naturally for me. It is our trials, though, that begin to chip away at our outer self and reveal more of Jesus in us. It is like the analogy of a block of stone (used by the speaker at church). God looks at that block and sees His Son. But in order for the rest of the world to see what God sees, He must shape us and break away the excess. Is this current trial God chipping away at my excess? I must have a LOT of excess for God to use this familiar trial for further shaping.

"If any of you lacks wisdom...ask God." Wisdom. Is that what I lack? That among so many other things. Is it the lack of wisdom that contributes to this broken record of doubt and uncertainty in my head? If I could see how this ends, would I rest in that knowledge "no matter what?" Right now it is the not knowing and the fear of the "what if" that paralyzes me. But in 7weeks I will know more about the fate of this baby, this pregnancy. What then? Will I complete the "no matter what" phrase the same if the outcome is happy or tragic? That IS what it means to say "no matter what." But it is certainly easier to say I will be content if I am preparing a nursery and not another funeral. Wisdom. Not just knowledge of what path I am on. It is wisdom I need. Wisdom to know how to persevere in the face of this trial God is using to shape me. Wisdom to know how to respond. And wisdom to be a mom and a wife and a friend and a sister, etc... in the meantime. I am not the only one in the midst of an excess-shaving trial.
James tells us that if we lack wisdom, just ask and the Lord gives it freely. So here I am, asking. Lord, I need Your wisdom and Your comfort and Your strength. Help me Lord to have joy, no matter what.

I leave you with two songs we sang at this same house church this week. Songs that were difficult for me to sing but only because they so depict the raw emotion of my heart and use words that I need to say to God but often can't make cross my lips...

I will bless the Lord forever

I will trust him at all times

He has delivered me from all fear

He has set my feet upon a rock

And I will not be moved

And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield,

My strength, my portion,

Deliverer

My Shelter, Strong Tower

My very present help in time of need

Hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy

I am empty but I know your Love does not run dry

So I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.

Broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide.

I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life.

So I wait for You....