My life is different because...

>> Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Michelle at Scribbit's November Write Away contest has challenged us to write about what has made our lives different. Here is my story.

Almost 4 years ago to the day, I had a day I will never forget. It was my first pregnancy and as with all pregnant moms I was overflowing with anticipation and dreams of motherhood and meeting this life that was growing inside me. For me this pregnancy was especially joyful. I wasn't sure this would ever happen for me. About 8months earlier, I had surgery to remove large tumors from my ovaries that my doctors were convinced were cancerous due to the alarming rate at which they grew and the gross abnormality of all my blood test markers. By God's grace and miraculous touch, it was not the doom and gloom they had predicted and I was just fine. The tumors were gone and I was healed. My life is different because of that moment.
By the time my husband and I were headed for our 20wk. ultrasound that Tuesday before Thanksgiving, we were soaring with excitement and biting nails to find out if we were having a little boy or a little girl. But it was not the day we were expecting, not even close.
I won't bore you with the details of the day even though they are so deeply etched in my mind that it is as if they happened only yesterday. Phrases that echo and haunt me still... "something's not right," "amniocentesis," "lungs won't develop," "terminate." My life is different because of that moment.
I carried my son to a week past due. They all said he would come early and that he would need surgery and a breathing tube right away. He came 8 days late at the end of April but didn't ever cry. He was chubby and beautiful and clasped my finger when they wheeled him next to me. He opened his eyes to see his mother and in a second I was changed. My life is oh so different because of that moment.
My son died three days later. No surgery could help him. Only Jesus and He chose not to this side of Heaven. I was scared to watch him go but it was peaceful and almost sweet. My husband and I sat with him in a room and held him and sang to him as he took his last breaths. He went to be with Jesus and I was strangely calm. My life is different because of that moment.

Different because I thought there was no hope and God gave me hope. Different because all natural signs pointed to no life but I knew God had created this life. Different because I saw the face of God in my little boy who with all his physical limitations was created in God's image just like me. Different because in a moment when all conventional wisdom would say I should feel fear and anger, I felt peace. Questions yes, but peace at least for that moment. My life is different because I lived through an experience that would break so many. And some days though I feel broken, I know that I am whole because God is filling in the broken places just like He did during all those moments. My life and all things around me may be telling me one version of truth. But my life is different because the source of all truth whispers to me "I love you." "Even during the hard moments that will change you, especially during those moments... I love you."

2 years later, my son Lucas was born in March. As all mommies know, my life is definitely different because of that moment. And almost every moment since.


11/23 Update: I won!! Well, runner up, but I got an award anyway! Yay!
The Write-Away Contest hosted by Scribbit

16 comments:

Catherine November 21, 2007 at 6:50 PM  

Farrah...I'm so glad you wrote this. I will always think of you the days before thanksgiving, and remember that phone call you made to me. I've been thinking of you the past few weeks. I love you.

Scribbit November 21, 2007 at 10:30 PM  

What a beautiful story--to think you'd have never had those three days if you'd gone with the "conventional wisdom." Thanks for sharing the story and the picture.

Heather November 23, 2007 at 9:31 AM  

Farrah, thanks for sharing this.

Daisy November 23, 2007 at 2:35 PM  

So sad -- and yet, so uplifting. Thank you for sharing this incredibly personal story.

Pieces of Me November 23, 2007 at 8:41 PM  

What a beautiful entry

Ter November 23, 2007 at 10:17 PM  

((many hugs)) I am a fellow bereaved mom, and I'm very sorry for your loss. I am also very happy that you had your 'rainbow' baby.

Earthmommy November 24, 2007 at 12:10 AM  

You are such a talented writer!! This was a beautiful and touching story!

Me and Them November 24, 2007 at 12:12 AM  

Thank you for sharing this moving post. It was beautifully written.

childlife November 24, 2007 at 1:04 AM  

"My life is different because the source of all truth whispers to me "I love you." I just LOVE that line! A beautiful, heartfelt post. I really identified with your story on a number of levels.

Congrats on your win - brilliant writing!

Catherine November 24, 2007 at 12:15 PM  

Hooray for you!!! You deserve it!!!

Sheila November 25, 2007 at 1:36 PM  

This is lovely.

May I post a section and a link to you on my new blog Beauty...on the weblog?

As a pediatrician, I've always been on the other side. I say prayers of peace for families and hope that they find it.

Your story needs to be shared. I'd be honored.

Sincerely,

Sheila (Dr. Cason)

TwoSquareMeals November 25, 2007 at 10:29 PM  

Farrah, thanks for writing this. Your testimony is a powerful one. I, too, always think of you in the days leading up to Thanksgiving and of the phone call from y'all that day we were leaving for France. I love you.

Pickel December 1, 2007 at 8:38 AM  

Wow, I can't even imagine Farrah. What a strong woman for deciding to carry your child to term when most would not have. It takes a beautiful person to look at the life inside of him/her and consider the other first.

Lori December 14, 2007 at 11:47 PM  

I came to this post via Catherine's blog. This touched me deeply.

We had only one day with our twins, Joseph and Molly, who died as the result of their premature birth. It was a day etched in sorrow and profound grief, but also grace and tremendous love. That was four years ago and my life is certainly very different now too. Thankfully, like you, I have been able to hang onto my faith in God's love for us and for our babies.

Adventures In Babywearing April 29, 2008 at 5:29 AM  

Farrah, I think I thought I left a comment on this post but I don't see it! Just absolutely beautiful. *You* are beautiful.

Steph

Princess Gabby and Prince Hunter August 18, 2009 at 9:59 PM  

Wow, I just read your posts and broke down myself. How much you have honored your son by recording your thoughts. I feel like I have known Micah and can feel your intense love for your son. Thanks for sharing such an amazing story. Lucas and Caden will always have their mother's wonderful words to share in the memories of their brother. God bless you!

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