Give and Take

>> Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tonight I found myself driving down memory lane. I attended an event up on the NorthShore and had to drive through my old neighborhood to get there - where I lived during my first pregnancy and all the events on either side. It is kinda coincidental that I would pass through there today, the National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. I drove past the Chili's where I used to order my weekly boneless buffalo wings to satisfy my pregnancy cravings... the Blockbuster Video where Hubby and I got tons of movies during the last few weeks of my pregnancy and the first few weeks after to help take our mind off everything... the neighbor's house where I pulled over and threw up in their grass... Everything looks the same yet so much has changed, as evidenced by the sleeping (thankfully!) babe in the backseat.
The soundtrack for my drive tonight was a
CD given to me by a close friend today at lunch. She said that two of the songs reminded her of me. One of the songs was about just needing to cry as a release of the emotion and grief that life sometimes brings. So as I drove down familiar streets tonight in the rain, that is exactly what I did. I cried unabashedly because I was alone and the memories just overwhelmed me.
I certainly still miss him, my first born son. Tonight the hole in my heart that will only be filled in heaven seemed to swallow me up as I relived all that was during that time. The fear of what would be, being a week past my due date and just wanting him to be born so that we could know what we were facing, having him grasp my finger in the delivery room as they wheeled him away, hearing the news that there was nothing they could do, sitting in the first pew and watching all my family and friends say goodbye to my precious son that we all hardly got to know.
Time seemed to stand still for that moment. And then almost as if on cue, Caden began to stir behind me. Yes, life has changed since those days. Feeling the emotions of loosing Micah while hearing Caden cry in his carseat, I was struck by God's give and take. He gave me Micah but then he took him away. He gave me His peace and grace as I mourned that loss. Then, He gave me Lucas to take away part of my emptiness. He gave me contentment and took away my control. He gave me Caden and took away any notion that I can do it on my own. Tonight, He has given me eyes to see all that He has given me even in spite of what He has taken away.
Thank you Lord for the perspective I see tonight. Thank you for giving me Micah, even if just for a moment. Thank you giving what we need and taking as You see fit. I trust Your Hand and know You are good.
My Boys and their cheeks Micah 4/20/04
Lucas 3/23/06
Caden 8/11/08
No denying they are all brothers or who their daddy is!! The cheeks run in the genes! :)


Libby October 16, 2008 at 3:57 AM  

lovlies!!! all three. boy does caden ever look like you.

Earthmommy October 16, 2008 at 10:15 AM  

Farrah, This was such a meaningful and deeply touching post! You have an incredible heart and such an amazing perspective!


TwoSquareMeals October 16, 2008 at 9:30 PM  

Three of the most beautiful boys I know. I love you, dear one, and am so thankful for your heart. What a good mama those boys have.

Catherine October 18, 2008 at 2:06 PM  

This is beautiful, Farrah. I've been thinking a lot about Micah actually, for some reason Caden brings him to mind a lot for me.

I love you - all five of you.


Anonymous October 18, 2008 at 4:35 PM  

Today has been a difficult trip down memory lane for me too, in ways that I'm finding it hard to talk about even anonymously. Two years ago, I lost my virginity to someone who destroyed me till I was a complete shell.
Right now I have someone to call my own as I could never call him, but the memories still sting. The abuse, the complete destruction of my self-esteem, making me go against everything I stood for... it hasn't been easy. To top it off, today has been a rough day on its own. It's 3 am and I can't sleep.
Thanks for helping me cry.

Adventures In Babywearing October 19, 2008 at 11:18 AM  

Farrah, I meant to comment on this the other day and didn't have the opportunity. They are all so beautiful and I've been thinking of you!

Hope to see you this week?


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