Running (from) Dysfunction

>> Friday, August 6, 2010

Don't let the title fool you. I have more than one dysfunction. I am just focusing on one specific one at the moment....

I lean on myself WAY too much. That is the long-and-short of it.

Last night was one of the worst nights I have had in a long time. My feet hurt, my hands hurt... my whole body hurt so very bad. I have begun to taper down the prednisone and so far it going just so-so. Plus I worked two long days this week, more than normal, and have been trying to catch up from vacation and get ready for the last market of the season tomorrow. So it has been a busy week to say the least. I laid on the couch last night and then in my bed and just cried. Tears of pain and frustration. I just want this to be over, to be off the front burner.

I felt better when I got up today, but I had to be at work before 7am (my third work day this week) so the relief didn't last long. By 9:30 this morning, the pain was back in my hands and feet. I got home from work at 11:30 in time to send Hubby off to work. When he got home at 8:30, I was pretty spent. So I went and crashed on the couch, right? Nope. I went for a run. Enter my dysfunction.

I simply cannot accept the fact that I am not in control of my body's response to itself. I am in pain, I am worn out, I am frustrated and overwhelmed.... so what do I do? I try to plan those things away. I analyze and try to figure out a way that I can make it all better.

About 10minutes into my run, my hands started to throb. They have truthfully been hurting all day plus running always makes them swell a bit. I should have stopped then, but I pushed through. It was a beautiful night, after all, and I should take advantage of it (so went the thoughts in my head). By mile 3, I was actually feeling pretty good. I had kinda found my stride and, despite my hands, felt like I was plugging along pretty well. Then at mile 4.5, I hit a wall. My body was telling me to stop, but it was hard for me to give in. Then the song "You're All I Need" (Bethany Dillon) came on my iPod and I just crumbled. I sat in the grass and just cried.
"You fill me when I'm empty, You are all I need."

Can I really say that? Is He all I need? When I was in tears last night, were my thoughts about how I was going to get through this or how God was going to get me through this? Do I really believe that He will carry me through? He has before in other times when I couldn't walk alone. But yet this week, when my body is weak and I am tired and I have taken on too much, I chose to try to fix it or prove to myself that I can make it better by pushing ahead. Even the taking on of too much is my dysfunctional way of proving to myself that no Lupus or joint pain or [fill-in-the-blank] is gonna stop me from working three days and having a market and weaning off the prednisone and training for a 10K if that is what I want to do.

The next song on my iPod was "Never Alone" (Barlow Girl). Message received, loud and clear. He is with me and carrying me through. This won't last forever. It is ok if I don't run the full 5miles I had intended to run tonight or make extra slings for the market. I do not have to prove I am in control of my own body and life and schedule. I can let go a little now and then and see where God takes me.
Well, those are the things I should say to myself and to God. That is the proper response and the one I am trying to have. I am a work in process for sure.

The inspirational ending to this story would be that I stood up and finished running the last half mile. But nope. I walked my achy self home and crashed on the couch to lay out my dysfunction here for all to see. And hopefully for me to learn from.

I should add that the song I walked home to was "Lovestoned" (Justin Timberlake). Kinda an odd playlist, I admit. But I loves me some JT! But that's a dysfunction for another day....


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3 comments:

Melinda August 6, 2010 at 11:26 PM  

((((HUGS))))

I do the same thing. You're noy alone.

Catherine August 7, 2010 at 11:05 AM  

Actually, I think the inspirational ending to the story would be that you DIDN'T run the last bit because you knew you didn't need to, just as you were learning, there on the ground. Like you said in the post - taking on too much is the dysfunction, not the victory. Walking away from it and being content with yourself as you are - that is the victory and inspiration. This is a great post, Farrah.

Kiki August 10, 2010 at 11:03 PM  

I so get this.

And I so love you, friend!

Lisa Marie

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