Angry, yet Grateful

>> Friday, April 10, 2009

Here I sit, I kneel.
I kiss his sweet head, snuggly sleeping on my chest.
I brush the hair from his eyes and the tears from my own.
I am overwhelmed, emotional, at a loss for words.

On this day we remember.
Christ on the cross.
The ultimate sacrifice for redemption.
I close my eyes and watch the Passion unfold.
And I feel grateful. Humbled and very grateful.
He did that for me.

But I remember something else.
I have been here before. Kneeling, praying, crying.
Save me, Lord. Save him. Save my son.
That, He did not do.
And I feel angry. Hurt, confused, angry.

So here I kneel, again.
Touching a cross, remembering. Crying.
Trying to reconcile feeling both grateful and angry at once.
Grateful for His sacrifice. Angry at mine.
Grateful that He saved me. Yet angry that my son was not saved.

Funny how life seems to come full circle.
I knelt here once with a child in my womb.
Lord, please heal him.
Not this time.
I knelt here once with an infant in my arms.
Lord, thank you for this baby, this redemption.
Again, kneeling while carrying another son.
Lord, save me from the familiar path of grief.

This time, yes.

And then tonight.
Kneeling, praying. Again.
Holding close my third son. Holding close these emotions, this anger, this grief.
Yet as I kneel beside this cross, I feel my Savior come.
He comes to sit with me, to touch me, to speak words of life into my soul.
I'm sorry, Lord Jesus. I can't understand all this. Forgive my anger and hurt.

Lay it at the cross? Yes, I can do that.
The cross is a place of complexity. Grief and sadness. Yet redemption and gratitude.

Tonight I lay my own complexity at His feet. At His Cross.
Grateful for so much. For His Sacrifice. For His Mercy.
For His Love for me despite my anger and lack of understanding.

It is Good Friday.
A day we remember.
Remember His Love and His Mercy and His Sacrifice.
I remember my pleadings, my sorrow, and my joy.

This night, this Cross signifies my grief. But also my hope.
On this cross He stood. Nailed there for my anger.
To take away my sorrow and give me hope.
And for that, and so much more, I am grateful.

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