Could this be it?

>> Friday, August 1, 2008

In the early part of last December, I sat with some close friends as we celebrated a precious little girl turning one. Being people whom I trust deeply, I asked them if it was weird (I think I actually said "counter-cultural") for me to not want any more children. Pregnancy for me is complicated, and choosing to do it again seemed a little like leaping in the dark and not knowing where I would land. OK, it felt a lot like that. Well, in God's perfect yet sometimes baffling timing, I peed on a stick about a week later and it was positive. Whether I wanted to take the leap or not, here I was... jumping.

So here I am, about 9 days away from delivery. All signs point to my feet landing from this unanticipated leap on solid ground. However, I admitted to a friend today (I hadn't let myself verbalize this before) that I have this feeling I can't shake that something is not going to go as predicted. Family and friends are naturally asking about the plan. When can we see you/him? When will you come home? Etc, etc... I give the answers that I think are true but always with this check in my gut that it may not turn out that way. Maybe it is a bit of self-protection, just in case. Maybe it is my heart's inability to feel secure and confident that things will be "normal" or straightforward. What if I do have to have general anesthesia or what if Baby has issues or what if I get the spinal and something goes wrong? I am honestly expecting things to go as planned. But, then comes the gut check.... What if....?

As if there are not enough things to think about when you are 9 days from giving birth, there is something else fairly significant on my mind. Hubby and I have been discussing for awhile (since the 1st OB appt. actually) whether or not we would have my tubes tied during this c-section. At first, I thought definitely yes. I mean, I didn't expect this pregnancy at all and if I could take a step to prevent this roller coaster again, why wouldn't I do that.

Could this be it?

This decision is a bit complex, to say the least. I am 90% (maybe more) sure that I do not want to have more kids. But yet, I am not sure I can give up my ability to do so. Not that it takes away from my womanhood or makes me any less maternal. It just feels so.... final. And I am not sure I am in an emotionally stable place to make such a final decision. But yet, I do not really want to be pregnant again. I don't want to live the drama of pre-ultrasound, low platelets pregnancy after we finish this round. So why not do it? It is practical, it would certainly give Hubby and I a peace of mind we wouldn't otherwise have. But....yet....

I sit here with my hand on my belly as my third son kicks and flips inside. And I am so very anxious to meet him and discover his personality and begin living life with him on the outside. I wonder what the moment will be like when I meet him and Hubby meets him and Lucas meets him. I wonder how I will feel when I hold him and my heart redefines what it is to burst with love. With my newest son in my arms, will I be glad the leap is done and feel certain I don't want to leap again? Or will I, in that moment, wish there was at least the possibility of expanding my world, my heart once again? Or is this even the time to make such a life-altering decision?

Are these next 9 days the last my body will ever experience with life being nurtured inside? I love being pregnant, I love my boys... but I am not sure I could ride this roller coaster again. This feels like a leap of a whole different kind. I am a bit tired of jumping right now, ready to keep my feet planted for awhile. But yet I still can't help but ask....Could this be it?
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P.S.~ By request, some real belly pictures coming soon...

4 comments:

Adventures In Babywearing August 2, 2008 at 6:28 AM  

I will be praying for you to make the decision that is best for you. Listen to that gut instinct! And I just know everything is going to be ok.

xoxo
Steph

Elizabeth August 2, 2008 at 9:30 AM  

Oh Farrah, i completely, well, not completely, understand what you are going through. Complicated pregnancies are the norm for me. But, the possibility of doing something permanent to limit them seems extreme, and a step that scares me.

But going through the unknown is no picnic either, the doctors who cannot commit to an answer.

I'll pray that all goes well and as planned and B3 is just as wonderful and awesome as your other boys. I'll pray that you receive the guidance you need to make the decision that is best for your and your family

Atwood-Family of 3 August 3, 2008 at 8:04 AM  

I've had a few friends that have done something permanent and one thing that sticks with me is the qukestion, would I want no more children ever again, NO matter what? This is such a horrible thought to think of, but what if my husband and child(ren) were all killed in a car crash? Would I want more children? I use that one because often the divorce senerio people automatically say "I would never get divorced so I don't have to think about that." So I think if you can honestly answer right now that no matter what you want no more kids then, yes, do something permanent.

On the other hand, I think it's easier to get hubby reversed than to get you reversed.

Heather @ Not a DIY Life August 5, 2008 at 7:34 AM  

I don't talk about this much because I don't want to invite criticisms. This is exactly what we did - c-section #2, and tubes tied at the same time.

For someone who has never had a complicated pregnancy or experienced the loss of a child, I don't think they can understand the tremendous anxiety that each subsequent pregnancy brings. It is daily FEAR for the life of your unborn child.

I DO NOT want to experience that kind of fear again. I cannot deal with that level of anxiety for that long again. So we are done having our own babies.

If the Lord wants, we are open to fostering or adoption in the future.

But we made this decision for our family and we do not regret it. Just wanted to share the other side of the coin.

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