I need to go to bed... My 5:30 wake-up call is coming all too soon. But I just wanted to get some thoughts out so that my mind can sleep. If my mind won't turn off, I often can't fall asleep or I have disturbing dreams no matter how tired I am. Does that happen to anyone else?
We had Caden's official birthday party today- just a small gathering of people from our church and small group. It was nice. Actually, it was perfect. Food and cupcakes and presents and laughing. Kids playing and riding bikes, adults conversing and having a good time. More pictures from tonight to come once I download off my camera and get them from friends.
But beyond being a super-fun party (with a visit by the fire department... a story for another day), it was a lesson to me in surrender.
You see, I seem to have a curse. A rain curse to be exact. If I planned an outdoor party in the middle of the Sahara Desert, that would be the day the sky would open up and the rain would fall non-stop. This is not the first time I have, with the best of intentions, planned an outdoor gathering only for the weather to be uncooperative. As I cooked and prepped today in my kitchen, I started to feel the frustration and self-pity roll in with the dark clouds. Of course it would pour down rain during MY party! All I want is a simple, well-executed, memorable party that people will enjoy. I just want Caden's party to be special and wonderful... and now it is raining. Perfect!!
I tried to not let it get the best of me. I plodded ahead, hoping that maybe a miraculous burst of sunshine would break forth and push those nasty rain clouds away. But deep down I was not at all suprised this was happening to me.
I have this issue with God. My issue is... nothing ever seems to go the way I plan. I do my best to plan, plan, plan. I dot every "i" and cross every "t". At least I try. But something always throws a wrench in my plan. It can never be easy and straightforward or according to my well-thought out schedule. This has probably been true about me for most of my life. I am certainly not one of those "charmed" girls- you know, the ones that no matter what they do, what they touch, it comes out smelling like roses. But this issue I have with God has seemed to become more and more pronouced since losing Micah. Of course this would happen to me. Everything happens to me!
So tonight, we arrived at the party lo-cal hoping that the promised indoor back-up space would be suitable. I just wanted it to be larger than a closet and clean. Well, my very low standards were more than exceeded. It was probably the most perfect party room I could have hoped for. Plenty of room, bright paint, clean space, toys for kids, tables and chairs,... It had everything. We set up, the guests arrived, and we all had a fabulous time desipte my self-pity and grumbling.
God must have been sitting there shaking His head, listening to me whine. The party was better than what I had planned. We got to eat in this perfect inside space with A/C and then go outside to play once the rain cleared up a bit. I hope my guests thought so too, but I had a great time.
Thank you, Lord, for blessing me and my family with a perfect party even though I was complaining and sulking. Thank you for providing an alternative and lifting my mood so that I could see what a perfect party YOU planned for my little boy.
I am not sure what to do about this little issue I have with God. I am working on it, I suppose- trying to let it all go. The pity and the entitlement are not at all attractive or edifiying to my soul. I thought I had planned a good party but God's was better. Typical. Maybe next time I will trust that He really does have my good in mind- that His ways are higher. Like I said, I.m working on it.
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