Little Angels

Tomorrow is one of my closest friend's daughter's (Autumn Grace) 2nd birthday. She was still-born but is no less a part of her parents' and brother's lives... and mine. Some of you know but others don't...three and a half years ago, my first son Micah was born and lived for three days before going to be with Jesus. It was easily the worst moment of my life but yet, one of the best too. My son was born and grabbed my finger. Then I had to let him go and say good-bye.

I know the pain my friend feels and I want to live it with her. But not take it from her. The pain means it really happened. Our kids were real and we held them and touched their faces. We kissed their skin and tried to decide what part of their faces looked like us, just like all new parents do. Except we didn't get to keep them and we don't understand why God let that happen. But they are part of our family none-the-less. It surely seems like a nightmare - did that really happen to me? To my friend? Did I really have to live that and bury my child? How did I live through it?

There has been some recent discussion on another friend's blog about heaven and reincarnation, etc... I know the existence of heaven is not a given for everyone. But for me, it is. It has to be. It is where Micah and Autumn are now and wait for me and for all those that love them and painfully miss them. What I know for sure about heaven ends there though. I have so many deep questions about what existence looks like for our babies in heaven. Are they babies at all? Is their heavenly form still an infant or can my Micah walk and jump and swing a bat or throw a ball? Will he know me when I get there? Will he need me to be his mother? Just typing that makes me cry.

I wish I had profound truth born from tragedy to share. Truthfully, it has taken a lot just to get me to this still very broken point. No one knows why God allows sorrow and pain to enter the lives of His beloved. I only know that before Micah was born, I seemed untouchable. I could usually accomplish what I wanted. I got into the college I wanted. I got the scholarship I wanted. I got the job I wanted and way before I ever thought I would. I seemed to be able to work hard enough and be charming enough to achieve what I wanted. Then I had a major health scare that shook me up. Then Micah died and all of a sudden, nothing I could do would get me what I wanted. I couldn't sing praise songs at church or really even pray because I couldn't make the words come out of my mouth. I wasn't angry with God. I questioned the purpose of prayer and if it really made a difference. But mostly, I just asked God why. What lesson was this supposed to teach me so I can learn it quick and be done? But I couldn't work hard at that either. It was not for me to accomplish or finish. There is no spiritual merit badge for successfully walking through tragedy and learning the intended lesson. No neon lesson. No well-marked path back to happiness and joy. Just a simple word - walk. Just keep walking and trust that I will give you your next step. You can't do it, you can't even see it. You will not fall though you feel like you are sinking. Just walk and I will walk with you.

So, why tragedy? I have no idea. What is heaven like? No clue. Here is what I do know. My first son is with God and I will see him someday. I can't accomplish everything or charm my way into success. All I can do is walk and know that He is leading me. And tomorrow I will cry with my friend as we look at pictures of her beautiful daughter and visit the site where our children's earthly bodies lay. I will not say "it will be okay" or "she is in a better place." I will probably not say anything. We will just cry and feel the pain that makes it real. But we will both keep walking, even amidst the questions and hurt, because that is all we can do. That's all He asks of us, any of us.

Happy Birthday Autumn. Give my son a hug for me until I can give him one myself.