A Daily Dose of Appreciation (AKA Birthdays, who needs em?)

I turned 31 yesterday and birthdays tend to bring out my introspective side. I have always been one that likes to be celebrated on my birthday. In years past (aka pre-kids), I could never decide what restaurant to choose for my birthday dinner so we would have 2 or 3. Last year though, just one. This year, my parents took me out while we were in Florida and hubby is taking me out tomorrow. But my actual birthday came and went with very little fanfare. And I am ok with that. I didn't think I would be, but I am. I did go to The Gap and use some Christmas gift cards which was a fun treat. I did get beautiful roses delivered from hubby. But other than that, relatively low key. And it was fine.

Last year (my 30th) I had this grandiose idea of how my 30th birthday should be celebrated. I wanted a big fat gift or a big fat party or a big fat trip to somewhere, anywhere. I got none of that. In fact, I actually didn't even get a card from hubby. I got a birthday dinner to my traditional birthday restaurant of choice and probably some flowers. I was very hurt, mostly because I had been telling hubby for no less than a year before that I wanted to celebrate 30 in a big way. We have worked through this and I forgive him and we have moved on. But, I say all that as a contrast to how I feel this year. Man, I guess it is possible to mature. :) This year, I don't feel the need to celebrate in a grand way. I am content with my low key day and delayed dinner out.

I know that part of my birthday contentment stems from an overall increase in my feeling of being appreciated and valued. Hubby and I have been going to counseling since last July and it has seriously made a world of difference. Counseling sometimes has this stigma, like you must have serious problems if you have to take that step. But for me, for us, it was about getting healthy and learning how to stay there. We had gotten to a point last summer where we basically co-existed. More roommates than spouses. I know that lots of couples find themselves in a similar position post-baby, but I was miserable. I felt that I would rather not be married than for marriage to look and feel that way. So, although there was no huge marital crisis, we started going to counseling to help us learn how to re-connect on a deeper plane and give us some tools to better communicate and weather conflict. Through this process of counseling, I have started to find my voice and have begun to say the things I am feeling and needing instead of bottling them up. This has freed hubby to be able to respond to my true feelings and needs instead of my defensive anger and hurt. What a difference! We have learned some very deep truth about each other and how we see the world so differently. And also how we can better come along side each other and meet each other's true needs. I don't mean to say that we have this down now and we never fight. We just had a spat tonight where hubby wasn't using the carpet cleaner as I thought he should and he totally snapped at me. I, of course, responded sarcastically and with a rude comment. But, those episodes are getting less frequent and more recoverable. Hubby is working hard to meet my needs. And me, I am feeling more appreciated and valued because he is acknowledging my hard work and trying to be what I need him to be.

So, this year, I don't feel the need to over do it on my birthday. That is partly because of the age. 31. Officially in my 30's. Time to grow up, I guess. But also because I am getting more of the validating I need on all the other days. Learning how to communicate my true needs and my true self has not been easy, but the rewards seem to be starting to pay off.

There is one more reason this birthday feels less monumental. I have a bit of a heavy heart these days.... but that is for another day, another post.