Is there really green grass on the other side?

The weather here in Chicagoland is dreary today. It started out just cold and gray and now there is snow falling and giving the ground a light dusting of white. It is pretty to watch from the warmth of my couch. Here I sit, thinking about a million things and letting my mind get lost in the falling flakes.

So many things about life feel up in the air right now. I could list them but I wouldn't want to bore you or even let my mind go down that path. I may not get back.

Do you ever look at the people around you and wonder, "Do they live a care-free life?" I see celebrities who are pregnant and I wonder if they have the same worries and fears and struggles. They seem to live such charmed lives, most of them. Sometimes you hear of their struggles. Courtney Cox had trouble conceiving, Jenny McCarthy's son has autism, Britney and her drama, etc... But most of the time, you hear of J.Lo's twins and their expensive nurseries or how so-and-so lost 50lbs in 6wks. after having her baby or other pregnant celebs and their dreamy lives. Are they really as dreamy as they are portrayed to be?

I live in a city of comfort and security. Most people around me at the local grocery store probably live in a huge house and have a huge savings account and kids in private school and perfect teeth. But is their life as dreamy as it looks?

Is the grass ever really greener on the other side or does it just look that way?

While shopping at that same grocery store with the comfortable people with perfect teeth, I am only a few miles from an area of housing that is home to many World Relief refugees and others who cannot afford much more. Do they look at me in my Gap khakis and Ann Taylor sweater (both Christmas presents) and wonder if I live a care-free life?

I am certainly not trying to put myself in any position of superiority or inferiority to anyone. I am just struck lately at how often I wish certain things were different, how much time I waste watching other people in the stores or on TV and wondering what my life would be like if I had some of the things that they have.

If I was a celebrity, I wouldn't have to worry about paying bills and how much I could spend on groceries today. If my journey had been different, I wouldn't be so afraid of history repeating. But would there just be something else, something that I can't even fathom because that thing is currently in the category of care-free to me?

I have always been a worrier, a planner...o.k. controlling. I get anxious when things are uncertain and there's not much I can do about it. Presently, I find myself in several situations where the outcome is uncertain. One particular situation in which, when most people are here, they feel joy and anticipation and a desire to tell the world. I am not feeling that joy. Other people are on my behalf, and for that I am mostly grateful. I can't help but wish I were any number of people I know or I see that can be pregnant and care-free. I remember having a small taste of that brand of care-free once, a long time ago, before so many things.

The snow has stopped and I should too. There is a dreamy white covering over the ground. I can't even see the grass to tell you if it is green. But hopefully come Spring, I won't have to look on the other side to find green grass. It's probably the same color over there anyway.