Celebrating my boys

>> Sunday, April 20, 2008


Today is
Micah's birthday. My first son would be four today. I don't really have words for my emotions today except that it has been a very bittersweet kind of day. To celebrate and mourn simultaneously is a tricky task. We chose for today to be more of a celebration of all three of our boys, but it leaves me tonight feeling that maybe that is not quite enough. There has to be a good mix of both for me to feel I have remembered him well. I think today has mostly been a good mix, but I have two days left in this process. And I have the feeling that the mix may shift a little more towards mourning as we move towards Tuesday, the anniversary of his death. But, for today, we celebrated. We had a wonderful park picnic with some of our greatest friends to give thanks to God for giving us three sweet boys. And although we haven't finalized a decision on a name for this third boy, I feel closer to him today having celebrated his brothers' lives and his healthy existence too. (Does anyone know a name that means "loves to kick his mother's bladder" because that would be the perfect name for this boy?!?!)
Mourning a loss is complex, especially mourning a child because it is more of a forward mourning of memories never made than of memories in the past. But celebrating my three boys makes the picture feel a little more complete, even though I will always feel the hole in my world where Micah should be. But, as I said, today we celebrated. And it felt sweet and true and real. The mourning is all those things too. I am truly blessed to be the mother of three amazing boys.
Some pics of our beautiful, sunny 70degree Chicago spring day...

Hubby helped Lucas climb his first tree. He loved it!!

All three of my boys in this picture (that's my belly to the left in case you are wondering what that big white blob is!)

Celebration cupcakes!! (B3- three Brown boys)

4 comments:

TwoSquareMeals April 21, 2008 at 7:47 AM  

Thinking of you and praying for all of you as you go through this week. We love you!

Amanda Rose April 21, 2008 at 10:26 AM  

Will be thinking about you this week...though I already seem to be thinking about you often lately!

There's a lot to what you've shared... Much to be celebrated, loved, and appreciated. ...Also much to be mourned, missed, and remembered. I admire your approach/thinking and will pray for balance for you and your family. ...Keeping in mind that whatever you feel - regardless of distribution of thought/feelings (even if out of "balance") is actually perfect - b/c it's yours...and it's honest - therefore valid. I have developed a great fondness for authenticity...

With love.

Heather April 21, 2008 at 12:34 PM  

I'm with ya on "mourning the memories not yet made." I've been missing my Susie so much lately. I'm even wearing her necklace today, which I don't wear often since Ladybug loves to grab at it.

I think your celebration in the park was a wonderful way to remember Micah and celebrate all that God has given you in your three blessings.

May God wrap you tightly in His safe, strong arms this week!

Catherine April 21, 2008 at 1:30 PM  

Happy Birthday, Micah. You are well-loved and well-remember by many of us this week...

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