Not sure what to do

>> Tuesday, April 22, 2008

As I sit and write this, Lucas is ripping reading a pop-up dino book at my feet and baby next is doing sommersaults in my abdomen. But all I can think about is my son who is not here - the one I can't experience physically but that is all my mental reality can focus on today.

I don't know what to say, what to do. I want to go to the cemetery but I can't decide if I want to go alone or with Lucas or have someone meet me there. I have this sick dysfunction where I feel like people are watching me grieve today and I worry about what if I can't do it. You would think by year four I would have this a little more figured out but it is such a different beast every year. I have several people waiting in the wings, friends who have offered to be with me or watch Lucas so I can be alone. I so appreciate people wanting to be with me or help me and I want to be able to involve those I love in this day. I don't really know what I want. I feel paralyzed, like there is too much pressure to mourn Micah today but today is the day I am supposed to do it. What if I can't do it today? Is tomorrow just as appropriate? Will people be watching then or still waiting?

My friends tell me that there is no pressure for me to live this day in any particular way. But I still can't help but feel if at the end of this day I haven't given myself the opportunity to grieve that I may have to wait another 364 days to fully do it again.

I totally get why people elope. The pressure for a certain day to be meaningful can be intense.


I want to be alone. But I want hubby here. Or maybe I need to be with my friend who has experienced a similar grief. Or maybe with my friends who actually got to meet Micah and see his golden hair and chipmunk cheeks with their own eyes. Or maybe just spend the day enjoying Lucas and being thankful. I really don't know.

It is almost 10am. There is rain forcasted for this afternoon so I should get my day going. Only in what direction?

I just miss him. That I do know.

7 comments:

TwoSquareMeals April 22, 2008 at 2:25 PM  

Sweet Farrah, if all you do today is play with Lucas and fold the laundry while missing Micah, that is perfectly fine. I'm positive that how you spend this day has no effect on how much you love and miss Micah, and I also know that you are his mother who loves and misses him every day, not just every April. I'm praying for you, dear friend.

Ashley April 23, 2008 at 3:59 AM  

I sat with this open on my computer all day...trying to think of something to say. But the truth is, I was stressing over the exact thing I was encouraging you not to do...worry about what other people think. The truth is big sis...I worried for a long time about the proper way to go through my divorce. What should people expect? What if my life (and my way of feeling it) doesn't conform to what everybody else expects?

Sound familiar?

I can only imagine the emotions that strike you during this time of year. The pressure on the outside, the reality on the inside,and I'm so thankful that you are with people who can extend their help and support during this hard time.

Farrah, I believe the heart knows no calendar. The fact that we celebrate certain days of year is to acknowledge important events... we make these events important on that one special day because they are important, yet often overlooked in the quick wheel of the world. Its why we celebrate Veterans Day, and Valentines (for those losers who cant buy their woman flowers any other day...tsk tsk)...

Your comment "What if i can't do it today...will tomorrow be appropriate? Will people be watching then or still waiting?"

I can only refer you to my dear soul sister Rihanna's song "Question Existing"... the lyrics "Who am I living for? Can I endure some more? Is this my limit? Question existing".... notice nowhere in there does it reference what the &%#$ anybody else thinks or says or does or passively recommends... the bottom line is this--- that support is only as good as when its not expected. I would be annoyed at the people who come out of the woodworks on this day only to recognize the significance of Micah to us, you, and your need to grieve whenever you want, however you want.

Step outside the expectations my dear sister...love what you feel even if it hurts...and embrace it as preparation for the next time you have to face it.

Every time I get called on at school... Ashley Macartney... tears well up inside. But when i started i couldn't respond...now I confidently correct the last name... and kick ass in response. I was afraid of what people thought was acceptable for me in terms of my own grieving Ryan and my life with him-- everyone had their own "recommendation"... but I found the most peace.. and the most strength surprisingly... in my rebellion--my refusal to conform--my 'face to face' with the real me-- who actually, can handle more than I thought.

We are sisters. Blood. The closest in DNA you can get to anybody else out there. We are of the same fibers--although have woven different cloths. (Mine a mini skirt... yours a sling of course!) But I say this because you may see me as more outgoing and able to step outside the box...and attribute my ability to disregard the opinions of even the people i love and respect very much-- but if its not for you, don't give it a second thought. Cater to yourself...your wants...your needs...baby "next"...and the wisdom God has given you to know what is real...and what is, well, full of it for lack of a better term. And also, to know what is maybe someone else's own insecurities or need for drama...imputing upon your vulnerability. Don't let people prey on your grief-- do it how you want...how you feel...whenever its right; for a second, for a week. And don't let anyone tell you its not okay to let time go by without grieving...this is what we are hoping for. The day where we don't wake up and cry... its not a sign of forgetting...or disrespect..its a sign of peace that God has blessed us with. As much as you want me to be able to see past the hurt with Ryan and get to a day where I'm not crying at some point-- I want to see you at a point where the memory of Micah lives on peacefully and does not cause you so much extra pressure to deal within certain parameters.

You, Lucas, Baby Next are the loves of my life. xoxoxoxoxoxooxooxox

Heather April 23, 2008 at 12:38 PM  

You don't have to DO anything on any particular day in regards to your grief. Why is any one day different when Micah is not with you? Why do you only have to grieve on one particular day in one particular way? You don't.

Our grief journey has taught me that all parents grieve differently. Even my Hubby and I grieved differently. I can't expect him to respond to things the way I do and vice versa.

So don't be concerned with what others think of the way you grieve and miss Micah. Listen to God's voice and trust your mommy heart. Grieve, and celebrate, the way that you feel honors Micah.

I tell ya, I can't WAIT to get to heaven to hold my Susie. Maybe she'll hold me, I don't know. But for now, God has blessed with our Ladybug, and we want her to know about her big sis.

At A Hen's Pace April 23, 2008 at 11:27 PM  

Farrah--

No words--just saying a prayer for you right now.

Blessings--

Jeanne

Katharos April 27, 2008 at 1:29 PM  

Farrah, you are absolutely amazing. Blessing your little Lucas and nurturing the growing baby inside on any day is a successful day. Doing those things while grieving for Micah is astonishing. There are days when caring for my daughter while extremely pregnant is almost more than I can handle. Doing so on the anniversary of my miscarriage was overwhelming. I am praying for you this week, my new friend.

Tracey April 27, 2008 at 6:53 PM  

Farrah, I am so sorry... I can't imagine that there is anything you could or couldn't do that would make people think you were mourning "improperly." There really isn't any guidebook for this...

After meeting you today, I wish I had read this first, so that I might have given you a hug...

mj aka sugarmama April 28, 2008 at 6:17 PM  

Having to put your feeling into words hopefully eased your mind a little, and I hope that your heart will help you decide.

I dropped by to say hello and that it was truly nice meeting you at the brunch.

Virtual {hugs} to you!

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