Baby Wait

Towards the end of my pregnancy with my first son, my best friend had a dream. You have to know this friend to know that what she dreams, we all take very seriously. This first pregnancy for me was fearful and anxious, wondering what would happen with my son when he was born. Would the surgeon be able to save him? Would he live a normal life? Would I get to keep him at all? In the midst of this, my friend had the following dream: She dreamt that she and I and our husbands and our children were walking, I think at the zoo. A little boy, presumably my son, was walking ahead with our husbands. She and I were following behind with two other little ones, one hers and one mine.

She told me this dream apprehensively, not wanting to give me false hope or assume it was any kind of message from God about the fate of my son. But, again, if you know this friend, her dreams make you stand up and listen. I did listen, and I did have hope. Through my own prayers, I felt that God was saying to me, "It will be a long journey, but it will all be ok." I had my own meaning I associated with that message. And that accompanied by this dream led me to believe that my son may have to struggle for life but I would bring him home so that one day he could walk up ahead of me with my husband at the zoo with our friends.

But that is not how the story ended. And I still struggle with her dream and what I felt I was hearing from God and how that all fits together. I struggle with all the millions of prayers that were lifted for my son, for his healing and his protection. I struggle with my desperate pleas to God to spare the life of my son. Yet that is not how the story ended.

A year later comes pregnancy #2. I was afraid but the fear never really stopped. I went straight from grieving the loss of son #1 to grieving ever being able to have my own children to fearful about pregnancy #2. So when the 20wk. ultrasound told us he looked healthy, I relaxed a little but never fully until the day he was born and I saw him breathe and heard him cry. That is when I exhaled, and cried. Lucas is here and he is healthy and I can put my fears down for awhile. Exhale.

Now I am pregnant with #3. Just when life seemed level again, we take a turn back towards the valley. I had put my fears away, started to be content with life as the mother of two sons. We had decided to put away those "pregnancy dice" and not roll them again. I was content to live life on the level ground for awhile, but then... well now I am 20weeks exactly and the truth of this baby's identity and fate is already true. I just don't know it yet. If I am having a boy with the same complications, that is already true. If I am having a healthy girl, that is true too. And all the possibilities in between. But while God can see that truth, and has been able to since the beginning of time, way before my friend's dream, I still wait. And the waiting is hard. Very hard.

Waiting. Isn't that what pregnancy is all about? Nine months of growing and nurturing this life inside so that at the end he or she can be born and begin their own journey. Nine months of cleaning out closets and arranging furniture so that your home will be ready for another person to share your space. Or 20weeks of waiting to know if this baby will come home with me at all or if I will have two little angels in heaven. Waiting. Waiting to bond, to love, to connect with this baby in an attempt to spare myself some of the heartache that may be up ahead. But would it really? Waiting until none of my pants will button to pull out maternity clothes because that would be admitting that I am actually on this journey and I am not sure I can handle that.

This particular waiting will soon be over. Our level 2 ultrasound is in two days. Then we will know more about what path we are on. But that doesn't make today any easier. This morning I sat in the freezing wind at the cemetary, hearing some very familiar words come out of my mouth. "Lord, please don't make me do this again. Or at least carry me through if You do." I prayed those same desperate pleas during both previous pregnancies with very different answers. The first time, He walked with me through the valley and the second time He walked me out of it. What this path holds, I don't know yet. More valley? A glimpse of the sun? I certainly hope so.

I don't profess to know what happens when we pray, if our prayers have any bearing on the outcome in God's larger plan. I don't know what my role is in prayer- if we petition to change God's mind or just know it better. I still struggle with those things. I guess all I do know, is that my doubts thus far have not stopped me from crying out my desperate pleas before God. Pleas for my waiting to not be in vain. Pleas for mercy and healing and a show of His goodness. He hears me, I know that. But will he change my path or just make me content to be on the one He has placed me on? For the answer to that, I wait. And though after Thursday I may know more, I will still have to wait until he or she is born and beyond to fully exhale again. And I will wait beyond that to someday see God's full plan for me and all of my children. Waiting.

Will my friend's dream end up being reality but just not how we first thought? Maybe it was meant to be a dream of hope just farther down the road than we envisioned. Will God's words to me be true but just longer in coming to be? It has been a long journey, and maybe it will all be ok. I just don't know what "ok" looks like yet. For that, I wait.

1 Corinthians 13:12-13 from The Message Bible:
12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.