Progress, I think.

>> Friday, February 27, 2009

After I wrote this last night, I sat on the couch - thinking, praying, regretting just a bit that I had dumped all my insecurities and issues out for all to see and judge. Feeling a little guilty for sounding so dreary and making it seem like I am never happy. I really can be a fun girl, I swear.
Then I read this from one of my dearest friends. Yes, that is me too. Weary, tired, sometimes unable to see things for how they truly are. That post reminded me of this one by another dear friend. Also me- so grateful for those special moments when your heart can hardly contain the pride and joy and blessing and depths of love for these boys.
So I sat on my couch, thinking and watching Caden sleep nearby. His precious little baby head covered in fuzzy hair except those few long strands on top that never fell out. The sweet sound of his lips smacking in his sleep (must be dreaming of nursies)and the occasional little groan as he adjusts and gets comfortable. Oh that face! I could stare at it forever. The day will come when he is 1, 2,... 10. And maybe life will be more smooth or maybe just differently bumpy. And I will miss looking at and kissing this baby.
[Note to self: Drink this in- cherish these moments, bumps and all. ]

I picked up my sleeping baby and headed upstairs for bed. This is what I found:

I don't know when Lucas went into my bed, but there he was all snuggled under my covers sleeping with daddy (who had NO IDEA he was there!). I gently woke him and led him back to his own bed. "I came to look for you, Mommy. I was missing you in my sleep," he said as we walked the short hall back to his room.
I sat next to his toddler bed supporting Caden as he nursed with one hand and rubbing Lucas' legs with the other. My weariness may cause me to miss some things, but this moment was not lost on me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath- you know, one of those breaths where you can feel the air expanding your lungs and the stress just melting away. A cleansing breath, and with it comes renewal and awareness and peace. Before I know it, Lucas will be 3,4,5...15. And I will miss his sweet expressions of love for me and his sincere desire to just be with his mama.

Motherhood is hard. So very hard. And days like yesterday simply reinforce the truth that I cannot do it on my own. None of us can. I am fortunate to have some very sweet friends who left encouraging words for me, came over to watch my boys for an hour so I could go for a walk, and have always tried to walk beside me no matter what. Friends like that are good for my soul. And we have just entered the season of Lent, the time of the church year when we are preparing for Easter and acknowledging our need for God. My need for God feels very real right now. More real than it has in a long time. And I think that too is good for my soul. I am a work in progress with pretty regular set backs. But progress none the less. And God's hand on me is never as evident as when the final moments of a really rough day are spent cradling my sleeping angels and drinking in the beauty of the moment.
[Note to self: spend more moments taking deep breaths and letting the beauty sink in and less time worrying about all that may or may not happen in the next moment.]

P.S.~I have said all along that this blog is my journey, both good and bad. It is where I share my passions, my joys, my tears and frustrations - my life. It is where I vent my bad days and share my good ones. I am honored that anyone would want to read it. So, thank you if you do. It is therapy for me and maybe, just maybe, it can be helpful to someone else. If you are reading, I would love to follow your journey too. Thanks for joining me on mine, even if the road is a bit bumpy sometimes.

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Gina February 27, 2009 at 11:38 PM  

I'm with you. My third is just turning one year. We're just about right at sleeping through the night (4 times a week or so). So I can certainly related. It IS hard, boy. I had no idea. But you're right, look at that precious sweet sleeping baby. Somehow that takes you through doesn't it? And God (couldn't do it without him personally)!

Cecily R February 28, 2009 at 1:13 PM  

Motherhood IS hard. There are days when I think I'm just not cut out for it. Then one of my kids does something to remind me how much I love being a mom too. Such a rollercoaster.

P.S. You have a wonderful way with words!!

Melinda February 28, 2009 at 8:12 PM  

This is such a beautiful post, Farrah. I can so identify with the moments you describe. Lately I have been blessed with many moments when I am so aware of how fast Aspen is growing and how I need to drink in those special moments NOW while they are happening.

I love your blog, keep on writing. Your friendship is a blessing to me and to many others I am sure.

Carrie and Troy Keiser March 1, 2009 at 4:12 AM  

They grow SO fast and they change So quickly. It truly does come down to enjoying the moment and not wishing away these times of little hands and feet. Inhale the sweet baby smell and hold it in your mind. Honestly it seems like yesterday you were cuddling them and you blink and they are grown! My oldest is almost 15 and will be learning to drive. In a few short years he'll be leaving home to start his own journey!

tiger April 6, 2010 at 4:44 AM  


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