Just me

I have pondered all week what I was going to say on this, my 100th post. I truthfully felt a bit intimidated, like it had to be something really spectacular. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this, my 100th post, should be nothing more than what I am..... Just me.

Always-learning mom to three boys (one in heaven, one in utero, one very verbal and rambunctious 2yr. old) and one beagle pup who is just as sweet as he is annoying... Often needy wife trying to figure out how to love hubby in the way he needs me to without compromising any of the real me.

Beach-lovin' nurse and passionate babywearing mama who loves to share this passion with other mamas too. It is my hobby, my business, my outlet...

I started blogging as a way to have a business presence on-line and it has become so much more than that for me. I don't know why you blog, or read other people's blogs. But for me it has become an outlet for my thoughts, a way to connect with other moms, a place to process where I can truly be me whatever that means.

The last few years have been an interesting journey for me which started the day my OB found tumors on my ovaries. It was a rainy day in November of '02 and I remember walking away that day stunned, thinking that life was going to be drastically different than I expected. And it has been, for good and for bad. I didn't know it a year ago when I started this blog, but this has become a place where I can process all the events and thoughts of the last 5-6 years and begin to figure out exactly who I am in light of all these things.

In trying to manage life these past few years, I think I have let my spiritual growth take a back seat. I never had anger issues with God, just lots of questions. And it hasn't necessarily made me fall away. It has actually made me feel the truth of Christ's love and sacrifice for me even deeper. But lately, as life seems to be (hopefully) settling out, I am feeling the need to go further, deeper. I want to see the ways in which God is going to use all this for His greater plan. I want to feel the depths to which He can take me if I let Him use my heartaches and joys to take me there. I am fully aware that one of my biggest obstacles to this new leg of my spiritual journey is my lack of discipline. And as life is about to change again in a few months, I want to institute some changes now that will help me be more consistent. Since this blog has been so therapeutic for me thus far, I have decided that this is one of the places I will start this new spiritual journey. Starting this Sunday, I am going to begin posting a Psalm and a worship song as my way of getting my week's focus off to the right start. After Micah died, I had a really hard time singing worship songs at all. The lyrics felt too close, too hard to say. I still get pretty emotional during some songs because I truly feel the words I am saying and know the gravity of the truth they convey. So this will be my exercise, to pray a Psalm (probably from the Anglican lectionary but not always) and a song and let those words guide my heart and mind throughout the week.

And my hope and prayer is that this exercise in consistent, intentional meditation will spark other areas of change and growth. And that God will use this small act of discipline for greater purposes in me and maybe even in whoever may read it. I have always known that God wanted to use my sorrow and questions for something more. And I am ready to know what that more may be. Lord, let that journey start with this step.

So, this my 100th post, is about recognizing who I am on the outside and who I am striving to be on the inside and how those influence each other. It is all just me - a humble mama, nurse, wife, sister, friend, pseudo-business woman trying to be all that God means for me to be. Thanks for being a part of my journey thus far and I hope you stick around for whatever comes in the next 100. Blessings to you.