So Worth the Wait

I just got home from watching the much anticipated Sex and the City movie. It was fabulous, as expected!!! It felt like sitting on my couch, catching up with some old and very fun friends. Comfortable, entertaining, nostalgic... just really fun.

I worked at the hospital all day and then went straight to the theater and met up with a friend who is just as big a fan as I am. She even left her three kids (ages 4, 2, and 3months) with a 27yr. single guy and turned her phone off during the movie 'cuz she didn't want to be disturbed. :)

I drove home in a bit of a daze, feeling like I had just escaped from the reality of my life for a couple hours and it felt really good. I had stepped into this world of fashion shows and extravagant dinners and cosmopolitans. But when I got home, I abruptly stepped back into my own world of laundry and dirty dishes and trying to get ready for our little getaway to the beach that starts tomorrow.

There is a scene in the movie where someone is holding a newborn baby (I won't say any names so I don't spoil the movie for anyone) and watching it I felt this little jolt of reality. Someone very dear to me just lost her baby at around 8weeks. And as I sat in the theater and Baby Next was moving all around, I couldn't help but think of my neice or nephew that I will have to wait for heaven to meet. Then my thoughts went immediately to how in about 11 short weeks, I will be the one laying in a hospital bed holding my newborn infant and I lost my breath for a moment. I am not ready for that yet I am getting really excited. I love this little one, I am getting more and more attached to him everyday. But I can't say that I am at all prepared for life with a newborn again. It seems overwhelming yet precious and tender and maybe even fun. But whether I am ready or not, it is coming and sooner than I think.

Having these thoughts tonight in the context of watching the movie has felt a little intense. The show and the movie both are so much about relationships and how we relate to each other and deal with life in the context of the relationships that influence and shape us. It is about learning to be true to yourself and learning how to lean on others without losing you in the process. It felt profound to me tonight. I actually cried at the Sex and the City movie... partially because over the years I have gotten caught up in the lives of these fictional characters. But also becaotionuse the images of loyalty and love were so poignant. And so timely for me.

I can explain my thoughts more clearly and succinctly soon. Right now I am tired and still need to pack. There are just a lot of emotions (and hormones too - that doesn't help matters any) circling my brain right now and life feels a bit complex. Hubby and I are working through some things, some people I love are hurting, I am getting ready for this baby, and oh so much more.... How I got here from talking about the movie is a bit unclear, but....

...the movie was awesome. SO worth the wait!!!

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Babywearing Stash

Steph from Adventures in Babywearing has challenged us all to reveal our babywearing stash. Admittedly, my stash is relatively smal compared to most babywearing fanatics. I have been mostly a ring-sling snob. I just love my ring-slings - what can I say? But I have a special affinity for all the carriers I do have. Some of them were recommended to me, others I researched and taught myself how to use. But here it is... my stash.

Cat Bird Baby Mei Tai (left),
Ergo Soft Structured Carrier (right) ,

Zolowear Solarveil Ring Sling (bright blue sling in stash pic above) - great for summer,

Hotsling Pouch Sling (left),
Sleepy Wrap Stretchy Wrap (right) ,

Ellaroo Gauze Wrap (green wrap on the bottom of stash pic) , BabyHawk Mei Tai

But like I said... my favorite carriers are my ring slings. And unashamedly, my own ring slings are pretty darn cool. Feel free to see for yourself... babyloveslings.com

Also, I feel like I should plug the babywearing DVD Tummy-2-Tummy. It is an amazing babywearing resource that I highly recommend and continue to learn new tricks from. If you are a babywearing connoisseur, you may want to consider owning a copy of your own.

Go to Adventures in Babywearing to check out other babywearing bloggers and their stashes. So fun!!

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4 days and 63 bobby pins later...

My sister-in-law got married last Sunday (which is my excuse for not doing my Psalm Sunday entry this week) so we have been in a whirlwind of activity for the past week. But it is now over and we are very relieved. It was a beautiful wedding with relatively little drama. My parents and sister (God bless them!!) came up from Florida to help us wrangle Lucas during all the events since all three of us were in the wedding. Lucas was a little star - he did walk down the aisle (with my mom encouraging him from the back and my dad urging from the front)but stopped at several pews along the way to give his adorable cheesy grin to the guests. He was not quite sure what to think of the 3yr. flower girl but they looked SO CUTE together (see pic below). Lucas had a little trouble with the walking out at the end of the ceremony, even though he was supposed to walk out with hubby and I. The flower girl was walking out with us too and Lucas was a but unsure. I had to pick him up off the floor at the front of the church and carry him out. But regardless, he was the most adorable little ring-bearer ever and he definitely stole part of the show. Most people cry when they see the bride... I started crying when I saw Lucas start to come down the aisle. It was emotional to see my little baby doing something so grown up. He looked like such a little man, being such a little ham. I couldn't help but cry tears of joy (mostly) at seeing my little baby Lucas all dressed up and being so cute. My dad had to take Lucas out for part of the ceremony after they tried to quiet him and he said "No, I'm talking right now. Blah, Blah, Blah...." I heard him from the stage and tried very hard to contain the laughter. That's my boy.

The reception was pretty fun too. I'm sure I gave people some good laughs with my 7-month pregnant self busting some pretty impressive moves on the dance floor. :) Enjoy some pics from the weekend... Lucas and the flower girl
My sweet little man

Mommy and her little ring bearer
Lucas has become fond of sitting in flower beds... even at his Aunt Julie's wedding in the church landscaping. :)

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Mornings with the Wiggles

We have this morning routine at our house...
Lucas wakes up at 5:30 (on a good day) and crashes into our room with his pillow and his "bumpa" (what he calls his blanket) in hand. I lift him into our bed and he lays between me and hubby for as long as we can convince him. Sometimes he talks to himself, sometimes he sings, and on a rare morning he may even fall back asleep for a few minutes. This morning he lay in bed singing "I'm in the Lord's Army." Very cute.
Then at around 6amd we will let him turn on the TV in our room for a few minutes so we can squeeze in just a few more minutes of rest. We usually turn on the Disney channel which, at 6am, plays The Wiggles (in case most of y'all have children that graciously let you sleep past 6am and you might be wondering what you are missing).
Some of you out there may be familiar with this group of four Australian guys that sing silly kids songs with an array of different characters that join them. They are pretty goofy, a bit annoying but otherwise kinda entertaining and Lucas seems to enjoy them. They keep him quiet for another 15-20minutes at least.
During our morning Wiggles viewing this morning, hubby and I got into a conversation about whether or not he would ever be willing to take to Lucas to a Wiggles concert. Throughout the show they show clips of live concerts and pan the audience to reveal MANY dads who are there with their kids. He claims he would do it, but I have my doubts. Hubby asked me if they sold beer at these events. I laughed and said "NO WAY!"
"Sure they do." he replied. "That is probably how most parents get through it." Hehe. He is joking of course, mostly.
Maybe we will see for ourselves at the beginning of August when they come to our area. Or maybe we will be busy at a concert of our own. Or maybe giving birth. One of those three. :)

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Sex and the City... counting down the days!!

I can't tell you how excited I am for the Sex and the City movie coming in just a few short weeks. I watched the show religiously, still do when I can catch the late-night re-runs. It is like my little escape from reality into this fun world of friendship and romance and amazing fashion.

I love it for many reasons but mostly because I love the dynamics between these four woman who are so different yet share so much.

I love their honesty. I love how they share EVERYTHING with each other, no matter how potentially embarrassing or how it may make them look. I love that they share the good and the bad and the kinky. I love that they bounce things off each other without being afraid of looking stupid or uninformed. They have their opinions and stick to them no matter what their friends think. They are four very different, very independent women who depend on each other for everything.

Is the show really about sex? Kinda. But not really. It is more about relationships and all that comes in that territory. It is such a great picture to me of friendship, truly sharing their lives with each other and walking together through whatever life throws at them - men, babies, infertility, cancer, marriage, .... You name it. They deal and they deal together. I love it.

I, for one, will see the movie as soon as I can get my 7-month pregnant self to a theater.... Hopefully sometime Friday night (opening night). I have been counting the days. Even hubby wants to go. He loves it too even though he may not openly admit it. :)

Can't wait for the movie? Need a little sex talk today? Check out Chicago Moms Blog and all the sister sites! Here is my post if you are interested. A topic day about sex.... count me in!

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A quick peek

I had an non-routine visit to the OB this morning. After some bloodwork last week, my doc called me on Friday and wanted me to come in this morning for a quick ultrasound. My goofy pregnant body has a problem keeping my platelets (they call it gestational thrombocytopenia) and other red blood cell counts at normal levels. It has happened before and is happening again. But I had a drastic drop in my counts in the last few weeks so they wanted to look with ultrasound to make sure my placenta wasn't detaching or that there isn't any other source of bleeding or anything. There isn't. This is just how my body does pregancy as goofy as it may be. It doesn't really cause any issues unless the platelets get too low for them to low to do an epidural for my c-section. Then I would have to have general anesthesia, but we'll cross that bridge if we have to. Anyway... the point I set out to make is that I got to have a quick peek at my newest little man today. It was fun to see him wiggling in there and put a face to the little gymnast I feel. With my first son we got to have LOTS of ultrasounds. With Lucas pretty much the standard with an extra one late just to make sure all was o.k. I knew they wouldn't find any source of bleeding to explain my low numbers today. The OB says placenta and all looks great. Baby Next weighs close to 3lbs. now and is about 13-14 inches long. My belly has popped way out in recent weeks so I could kinda tell he had gone through a bit of a growth spurt.

It was really fun to see him and start to get better aquainted with the newest member of our family. We have decided on a name, which I will tell at some point. With knowing his name and feeling him move all the time and then seeing him again today, I am feeling like I am starting to really bond with him and am getting really excited about him joining us in about 12 short weeks.

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Finding Focus- Psalm Sunday

Maybe it is a product of motherhood and maybe it just a product of being me, but I often find myself loosing site of proper perspective on any number of things. This kinda hit me today as I sat in church as many of my friends talked about the awesome night they had all together a couple nights before bowling and singing karaoke. Even though I chose not to go, I still felt jealous that I hadn't been there for their fun time of bonding and hanging out together. I started realizing that I am too motivated by my need to feel accepted or "cool" to others. I do or say certain things because I am concerned about my social standing or what others thing of me. I am awkward at social conversation in the best of circumstances but if I am feeling "out" it is even more uncomfortable. And as I sat in church today, wanting to go home because I felt weird and out of place and uncomfortable, I realized that I had totally lost focus on why it is I go to church. I am there to affirm my relationship with God and grow and worship. It is not about me feeling cool or accepted by people I think are cool. It is about taking time out of my focus-less life to realign my eyes to the source of all the love and acceptance I should need. It is about expressing my gratitude for who He is and all He has done for me and how He walks with me through all of life's "ins and outs." Cool or not, my God loves me and died for me and deserves my praise.

So here is my exercise for this week in regaining proper focus.

Psalm 111

1 Praise the LORD. I will extol the LORD with all my heart in the council of the upright and in the assembly.
2 Great are the works of the LORD; they are pondered by all who delight in them.
3 Glorious and majestic are his deeds, and his righteousness endures forever.
4 He has caused his wonders to be remembered; the LORD is gracious and compassionate.
5 He provides food for those who fear him; he remembers his covenant forever.
6 He has shown his people the power of his works, giving them the lands of other nations.
7 The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy.
8 They are steadfast for ever and ever, done in faithfulness and uprightness.
9 He provided redemption for his people; he ordained his covenant forever—holy and awesome is his name.
10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise.

"Amazing Love" (Hillsong)

I’m forgiven, because you were forsaken
I’m accepted, you were condemned
I’m alive and well, you’re spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be
That you my king would die for me
Amazing love, I know it’s true
And it’s my joy to honor you
In all I do, I honor you.

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Peaceful evening, Busy day

Sorry that I have been MIA this week. My little fingers have been too busy sewing to type. I had my first French Market of the season today and spent almost every spare moment this week getting ready. It was a long, very full day which started with set up at 6am and ended with tear down around 3pm. A lot for my pregnant feet and legs to take. But a fun day none-the-less! I love getting to talk to other moms about babywearing and see how surprised they often are at how easy it is and how much their munchkins take to it right away. I had one mom love the sling so much when she tried it on today, that she didn't even take her daughter out. She bought the one she tried on and walked away with baby in sling and her produce bag in the stroller. Love it!!! I did not reach my sales goal for the day, but I did put some slings in the hands of some busy mamas in need of those hands free and that is what it is truly all about for me. Thanks to all who made it out today for moral support and to those I met that may be reading this. It is always a pleasure. :)

Lucas slept at Grandma's house last night so that hubby could help me set up this morning. We had also intended to go out for bowling and karaoke with some people from our church. But we both got home around 8:15 and the house was SO quiet. Even the dog was being super chill. Hubby and I looked at each other and decided this rare moment of total calm in our home was too good to pass up. We took the dog for an evening walk ('cuz it was still so warm out) and then curled up in bed with chocolate pudding for dessert and watched a movie. No hanky panky, which one might expect on an evening when the kid is at Grandma's. We just had a wonderfully peaceful evening of enjoying each other's company without the buzz of the baby monitor and sound machine in the background.

There was one other thing worthy of mention that happened at the Market today....
Hubby had helped me unload and brought me a carmel decaf mocha from Starbucks and then went home to get a bit more sleep. As I set up my tables, I was feeling nervous about the day. Afraid to fail. I had pictures of Lucas in the sling all around me and I couldn't help but think about how fun it will be to get to start all over with Baby Next in the sling. Around 7am, the people in the booth next to me finally arrived and began to set up their stuff. There was a little boy with them, probably about 5 or 6, who had the most adorable blonde hair and brown eyes (just like my little Lucas). He was asking a million questions and wanting explanantions for all he was seeing. "Why is that lady pushing a wagon?" "Will mommy have to stay here past time for lunch?" It was really cute. I felt like I was seeing my future, a precocious and very verbal little boy who was is just so curious about the world around. Then I heard them say his name. Micah. All of a sudden my nerves and anticipation turned into tears. I couldn't contain the emotion of it all. I sat and watched this little guy play. He is so much like what I think Lucas will be at that age. Is this what my Micah would have been like? This wound still feels so deep at times. I go on with life, 'cuz you have to, but moments like this come along when I feel caught in time. Like I am re-living years of time all in a second and maybe even getting a glimpse of what I have lost missed. I sat and watched for what seemed like minutes but was probably less than a minute. Micah's dad said, "thanks for being such a helper buddy. Let's leave mommy to sell her things now." And with that they left. And I got back to my slings, feeling emotional but somehow blessed. Maybe my Micah would have been like this little boy. And maybe Lucas will grow up to be like that too. But on a day when I was feeling unsure of myself, it was a reminder of the things that are deeply true in my life. My boys and how grateful I am for all three. Kinda puts a sub-par sales day all in perspective.

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Psalm Sunday- my first attempt

After such a peaceful, calm day yesterday, today seemed a little out of control. I felt a little overwhelmed this evening. I have these moments when I just get worried that I may not be able to handle a toddler and an infant and a puppy and keep my sanity at the same time. I know lots of women do much more, but I still worry at times. So tonight while hubby was thankfully handling bedtime with my truly crazy 2yr old, I sat to start this post and decided to read one of my favorite Psalms. These verses always remind me to put my fears in His hands and let Him give me rest. Even when I get all overwhelmed and anxious, my God is loving and strong and He is my refuge. I don't know about you, but there is nothing I need more on Mother's Day than a reminder that I cannot do all this in my own strength and that He is my rest when I do have evenings (or mornings or afternoons or ...) like this. May it speak to your soul the way it does to mine.

Psalm 62

1 My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
3 How long will you assault a man? Would all of you throw him down- his leaning wall, this tottering fence?
4 They fully intend to topple him from his lofty place; they take delight in lies.

With their mouths they bless, but in their hearts they curse.

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
8 Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
9 Lowborn men are but a breath, the highborn are but a lie; if weighed on a balance, they are nothing; together they are only a breath.
10 Do not trust in extortion or take pride in stolen goods; though your riches increase, do not set your heart on them.
11 One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong,

12 and that you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done.

Enough (Chris Tomlin)

You are my supply

My breath of life

Still more awesome than I know

You are my reward

Worth living for

Still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for

All of me for every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough

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A good day- simple, but one of the best!

My day started at 5:40 when Lucas came crashing through my bedroom door, ready to start the day. I luckily convinced him to lay in my bed and watch Playhouse Disney for 20 minutes. Getting up before 6am has never been one of my strengths. We came downstairs and had a typical Lucas breakfast of blueberry waffles and orange juice and fruit. Feeling abnormally awake for 6:30am, I decided to help Lucas turn a diaper box into a race car. We had an amazing hour together, gluing and coloring and cutting, laughing and making race car noises together. It was one of those moments that you wish someone was secretly capturing on video. It made me start to think that maybe I was destined to be the mother of boys. It is a pretty cool race car, if I do say so myself! Lucas thinks so too. (Don't you just love the bedhead.)
At 7:45, we woke up hubby so we could all get showered and ready to join a community outreach at one of the local elementary schools. It is not a school we are in any way connected to, just an opportunity to worship through service. So for the next 3 hours, we painted and pulled weeds and did landscaping together as a family on a gorgeous Chicago spring morning. It was hard work but just really fun. To be outside, together, and teaching Lucas the value of serving together.
We came home around noon for lunch and naps. Lucas slept for almost 3hours (which if you know anything about me and Lucas and sleeping is AMAZING in itself) and I slept for most of that myself.
The doorbell rang in the afternoon and 2 dozen beautiful roses arrived at my door. Beautiful flowers with a card from all my boys, all 5. :) I'm a lucky mom, so lucky.

The three of us went grocery shopping and then had a gourmet meal of hot dogs and baby carrots. Hubby gave Lucas a bath and I put him to bed. I was giving him a face and head massage and I thought he was asleep so I pulled my hand away. Lucas reached down and grabbed my hand. "More mommy, thank you mommy." My heart and my mouth both smiled. My sweet, tender boy.

A good day, and it even included grocery shopping. But what made it a good day was the precious moments I had with my boys. Now I am watching a fun, yet kinda deep, romantic comedy movie with hubby while playing dueling laptops and Baby Next is doing his evening gymnastics routine in my uterus. It was a fabulous Saturday before Mother's Day. Just a really good day.

Happy Mother's Day everyone - may you have a great day where you feel celebrated and cherished, full of tender moments with those you love.

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Just me

I have pondered all week what I was going to say on this, my 100th post. I truthfully felt a bit intimidated, like it had to be something really spectacular. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this, my 100th post, should be nothing more than what I am..... Just me.

Always-learning mom to three boys (one in heaven, one in utero, one very verbal and rambunctious 2yr. old) and one beagle pup who is just as sweet as he is annoying... Often needy wife trying to figure out how to love hubby in the way he needs me to without compromising any of the real me.

Beach-lovin' nurse and passionate babywearing mama who loves to share this passion with other mamas too. It is my hobby, my business, my outlet...

I started blogging as a way to have a business presence on-line and it has become so much more than that for me. I don't know why you blog, or read other people's blogs. But for me it has become an outlet for my thoughts, a way to connect with other moms, a place to process where I can truly be me whatever that means.

The last few years have been an interesting journey for me which started the day my OB found tumors on my ovaries. It was a rainy day in November of '02 and I remember walking away that day stunned, thinking that life was going to be drastically different than I expected. And it has been, for good and for bad. I didn't know it a year ago when I started this blog, but this has become a place where I can process all the events and thoughts of the last 5-6 years and begin to figure out exactly who I am in light of all these things.

In trying to manage life these past few years, I think I have let my spiritual growth take a back seat. I never had anger issues with God, just lots of questions. And it hasn't necessarily made me fall away. It has actually made me feel the truth of Christ's love and sacrifice for me even deeper. But lately, as life seems to be (hopefully) settling out, I am feeling the need to go further, deeper. I want to see the ways in which God is going to use all this for His greater plan. I want to feel the depths to which He can take me if I let Him use my heartaches and joys to take me there. I am fully aware that one of my biggest obstacles to this new leg of my spiritual journey is my lack of discipline. And as life is about to change again in a few months, I want to institute some changes now that will help me be more consistent. Since this blog has been so therapeutic for me thus far, I have decided that this is one of the places I will start this new spiritual journey. Starting this Sunday, I am going to begin posting a Psalm and a worship song as my way of getting my week's focus off to the right start. After Micah died, I had a really hard time singing worship songs at all. The lyrics felt too close, too hard to say. I still get pretty emotional during some songs because I truly feel the words I am saying and know the gravity of the truth they convey. So this will be my exercise, to pray a Psalm (probably from the Anglican lectionary but not always) and a song and let those words guide my heart and mind throughout the week.

And my hope and prayer is that this exercise in consistent, intentional meditation will spark other areas of change and growth. And that God will use this small act of discipline for greater purposes in me and maybe even in whoever may read it. I have always known that God wanted to use my sorrow and questions for something more. And I am ready to know what that more may be. Lord, let that journey start with this step.

So, this my 100th post, is about recognizing who I am on the outside and who I am striving to be on the inside and how those influence each other. It is all just me - a humble mama, nurse, wife, sister, friend, pseudo-business woman trying to be all that God means for me to be. Thanks for being a part of my journey thus far and I hope you stick around for whatever comes in the next 100. Blessings to you.

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My little precocious man

Coming this week... My 100th post!!!! Stay-tuned for something fun to celebrate!!

As I prepare for my 100th post this week, I thought I would treat you all to some fun pics of Lucas. He continually amazes me with his verbal skills and creative mind. Just this week while riding in the car, he randomly broke out into his own rendition of "Old MacDonald" but was making up his own verses. In Lucas' version, Old MacDonald had some flowers (with a "bloom, bloom here...") and a daddy (and a "talk, talk" there - which if you know my hubby, fits perfectly) and a back yard ("here digging dirt, there digging dirt, everywhere digging dirt"). I thought that was pretty impressive for a 2yr. old. :)
Enjoy some recent pics and don't forget to check back in a day or two for my 100th post!! :)

Future NBA superstar!! Lucas LOVES his basketball hoop he got for his birthday.

Hadley is thinking "They get mad when I mess with their food, but it's OK for the little one to stir my food with his paws....Not cool!"

Learning to dunk cookies in milk....

SO Yummy! This smile tells you all you need to know about my precocious little man! He is so much fun!

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Legacy

*This photo has been entered in 5 minutes for Mom's Mother's Day photo contest*

The events of my life in the most recent months and years have gotten me thinking a lot about legacy and what kind of legacy I will leave in this world. As we approach Mother's Day, it has been on my mind more than ever.

I took this picture myself about 10days ago at the site where I buried my first son. I wanted to capture all three of my boys in one picture. Because the more I think about it, the more I realize that all three are my legacy. The very different circumstances surrounding each one of their conception and birth and the ways in which I have had to be "Mother" to each of them - that is the legacy that I leave in this world.

I did not get to be a mother in the traditional sense to my first son and that has always left me with a big void in my heart. I sat at the cemetery last week, unsure of how best to remember my first son, with my 2yr. old playing under the trees nearby. He saw me crying and came to check on me. I could have left him with any of my friends to give me uninterrupted time to grieve and mourn. But as my son snuggled up next to me, I realized how glad I was that he was there. We had the most tender of moments - he asks why I am crying and I tell him it is because I miss his brother who is in heaven with Jesus. "I love brother Micah," he says and I start to cry even more. He rests his arm on my belly, on his baby brother, and the two of us look at the picture of Micah as I tell him about his big brother. There is a certain look on the face of a toddler, at least mine, when they are truly comprehending and soaking in what they are being told. Lucas had that look, as if he was "getting it" - beginning to understand that not only did he have a baby brother in mommy's belly but he has a brother in heaven that would have been super fun to play with. Giving Micah's life significance by sharing those memories with Lucas... that is one of the ways I am being a mother to both.

For the rest of the day, Lucas carried around with him that picture of his brother Micah. "I love brother Micah"... "I miss brother Micah too." "Me too," I would answer realizing that I was teaching my son about how to grieve. Not by sitting him down and having some intense conversation with him about his brother. But by holding his hand as we walk through all this together. During all the fearful days leading up to our ultrasound with this baby, I worried a lot about how I would help Lucas grieve the loss too if it came to that. And now I know... just like this. By letting him see me cry and telling him it is because of love and longing and that it is natural for him to feel the same.

This is what motherhood means to me. And this picture says it all. Taking the hands of the little people God has entrusted to us and teaching them how to walk through this life - both the easy and the hard. Of course, motherhood is about nurturing and protecting and all those other things too. But right now, to me, it is about holding Lucas' hand up to my belly so he can begin to meet his little brother and sitting with him as we look at pictures of his older brother so he can begin to know him too. My boys, all three of them - my legacy.

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