Taking Steps

It was a perfect fall day- chilly in the shade but warmer in the sun. Perfect blue sky accented with the changing autumn leaves. I loved being outside, breathing in the fresh air and enjoying the sunshine.


First, I ran a hilly 5K at the Morton Arboretum at 8am. It was pretty cold at first, but 5min into the run I was plenty warm. It wasn't my fastest time, but not my slowest either. And with the hills and some mild congestion, I am pretty happy with my time. I would have rather it been about a minute shorter but I guess I'll have to shoot for that goal next year.
Truthfully, I am proud of myself that I have (mostly) kept up with the running this spring/summer/fall even through this whole Lupus journey. I do feel like I have kinda stalled in my progress. I can run a bit further, but am not really getting faster. Although overall the joint pain is better than it was a few months ago, the fatigue seems to be more the factor here. I just don't have the energy to run as often. Maybe this fall I can improve on that a bit.
Either way, I ran today without walking, even on the steepest hill. And I am pretty happy about that.

After the run, I drove over to the Naperville Riverwalk for the Walk for Lupus. After my indecision and plea for company, I decided to register and had two of my dearest friends offer to walk with me. I felt so loved and supported. It was a 3mile walk on a beautiful day with two amazing women and it was SO great. Truthfully, it was a bit surreal being in this crowd of people who are in some way affected by Lupus. And it stung a bit to see some people walking today in memory of a loved one. I admit that my mind wandered a bit, thinking about what may be down the line for me. What will my life with Lupus look like? But as I walked with these women who have loved me and supported me through so much, I realized that I will deal with Lupus just like I did the walk today and the run: one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

I am still very much processing today's thoughts from the run and especially the walk. But most especially this whole Lupus thing and how I am adjusting my life to not let Lupus or fatigue or joint aches define me.
More on that another day. But for tonight, I am happy with the events of this perfect fall day. I am a blessed girl.



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Joy in the Simple Things

I want to remember them just this way.

Smushing their faces into the bars of the playground because it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Running with abandon on a perfect fall-ish afternoon.

Giving PowerMan a ride on the airplane and truly believing that they are both flying.

Smiling, Laughing, Having Fun

All this plus: Snuggled up with Mom and Dad at the end of a busy day/weekend, reading books and saying prayers and singing along to the songs Hubby and I are singing to soothe them.
Opening their eyes when on the edge of sleep just to say "Love you, Mommy" then closing them again and letting sleep fall in.
Waking up after midnight, disoriented and crying for Mommy, but easily persuaded back to sleep once the comfort of Mama's embrace calms their sweet hearts.

I want to remember everything about these boys. I want to hold on to these days in my mind forever. I want to remember their milestones and big events. But also, these simple joys that fill our days.

All this, and so much more.

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Brotherly Love

After putting both boys down solo tonight, I left the room thinking they both were asleep (in their own beds). When I went upstairs to investigate a scurrying noise, this is what I found: both boys asleep in the same bed! Way to melt a mama's heart! I especially love how Caden positioned himself right between his brothers legs. Like he just wanted to be as close as possible. I reluctantly moved Caden back to his own bed. I love how they are starting to be friends and play so well together. They still fight, don't get me wrong. And they fight intensely. But Caden adores Lucas and doesn't like to be out of his sight. And Lucas loves to play "big brother" and take care of Caden (which is mostly appreciated by Caden but not always).

These boys are just so, so sweet! I feel extravagantly blessed.

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10 Years Later

No, that isn't the time span between my last blog posts! Hehe!! I have been so hit or miss here lately... and I don't really have a good excuse. Except that more often these days I am leaving my laptop off and curling up under a blanket on the couch and falling asleep. It is heavenly! I highly recommend it! Or I am off doing other things, keeping oh-so-busy. I miss this blog though... my personal spot to reflect and process and share my life with those that I love. I am vowing now to try to get back into the groove. My soul and my poor, cluttered brain need it! :0

In the meantime, Hubby and I just celebrated our 10th college reunion this weekend. What a trip! It was strange to be back on campus and see so many familiar faces. People I haven't seen or really even thought about in almost 10years. We went to chapel, we walked around campus, we showed our boys the dorms we lived in and the places where we used to hang out. In my own mind, I might could still fit in with the hip, cute 20-somethings bopping around campus. But I am sure they looked at me and wondered "Who is that older woman and what is she doing here? She must not have much else to do." :) I remember thinking that when I was a student about people who came back for homecoming. Lucas loved seeing all the sights his Daddy tells him about in stories. (Lucas loves to hear stories before bed and always asks for a story about Wheaton College.) He loved seeing the Bell Tower and hearing the Edman Chapel chimes. It was very cool to be back there with my boys!

(first picture up top) Fall '96- Oh, young love!



(left) junior year-Spring '98
(right) in front of the same house- Fall '09. Seeing how we both have aged in 10years is a bit unsettling!


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(left) senior year- Feb '99; the Wheaton tradition of going up the Tower to ring the bells when you got engaged. The baby in this picture now babysits my babies and the little guy in the front just got his driver's license. Yikes! I'm in the front in the red sweater and Hubby is in the blue shirt behind me.
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(right) visiting the Tower with my boys this weekend (Caden's asleep in the sling). Life coming full circle...

Walking out of chapel on Friday, it was pouring down rain. Hubby and I just walked hand-in-hand down that familiar path from chapel to the dining hall, silent. No words needed. It felt sweet to still be holding his hand, to still be loving him and being loved by him, 10 years and LOTS of water under the bridge later. It was moving, refreshing to my soul. Neither of us would ever have guessed we would walk through all that God has put before us. We thought we were going to live in Nashville, have our 2.5 kids, adopt from China, ...blah, blah, blah. Instead we went to Baltimore and came back to Chicago and all along the way had to maneuver our way through some major bumps in the road. Bumps that you don't exactly talk about over pizza in a tent with people who you probably won't see for another 10years. But things that have made us who we are. Holding Hubby's hand and walking through the rain and carrying our boys as we visit places from our past, I couldn't help but feel like one of the luckiest gals around. I wouldn't trade my bumps for anything. Well, that is not totally true. I might change a few things if I could. But my life is what God has meant it to be. He has directed the last 10 years, bumps and all, to bring me here-at my 10yr reunion with my class-mate and soul-mate and our two amazing sons.

Those 20-somethings don't have any clue what life will hold for them. I know I didn't. But I am blessed. Old, but blessed. :)



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Breath of Fresh ( 60+degree) Air

My family and I traveled to North Carolina this past weekend to visit several sets of very good friends. Prior to our trip, all four of us got nasty colds. The morning of our trip was mega-chaotic with trying to finish packing and get the dog to the PetHotel and pick up Hubby at work and feed everyone and ... just a lot to do. But the second we stepped off the plane and headed towards our friends' house, I took a deep breath. I breathed in the warm North Carolina air and almost immediately felt change. A change in my body, in my soul, in my stress-level. It was like I could breathe deep for the first time in awhile.

We had a busy 4days, but it was the most refreshing 4days I have had in quite some time. Warm weather, sweet tea, hubby and my boys all together all the time, great friends who know me and love me for me.... refreshing. It almost made me ready to come back to cold Chicago winter. At least I feel like I have some energy reserve to get me through the last few weeks of cabin-fever and the next few months of Hubby's schedule and raising my boys.

It was a break from the routine that gave me renewed resources to deal with the routine.

Releasing my inner-toddler and jumping to my hearts' content
Me and the "kids" :)- on our friends' farm (it was SO MUCH fun!!)
Lucas enjoying the warm weather and playing in the leaves- he was so carefree and it was wonderful!!

Chasing chickens- what could be more fun than that!
Mama and Caden- sweet sling cuddles

Find more Wordful Wednesday at Angies 7 Clown Circus!

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Another year older...

...but I'm not sure about the wiser part. I am 32 today. The big, insignificant, smack in the midst of my 30's 3-2!! I am usually one to reflect and ponder life on my birthday. And doing so in this moment, I am just struck by the fabulousness of my life. For all the challenges and sometimes struggles, I am an abundantly blessed girl. I see that very clearly in this moment.

Oblige this birthday girl as I share with you some of the reasons I am a grateful girl whose heart, today, is overwhelmed by the blessings of all my boys (shown in order of their entrance into my world)

Hubby showing yet one more way you can wear a wrap :) I wouldn't recommend putting a baby in this hold... a basket of fruit perhaps

Micah, looking up at his Mama

Sweet (yet sometimes oh-so-naughty) Hadley Barkalicious (that is his full name)

The joy of my life- LRB

My CLB, with eyes the sparkle and a smile that melts me.

For more Wordful Wednesday, visit Angie @ Seven Clown Circus

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Baby Love Redefined

I promise a more substantial post, probably with a similar theme, soon. But for now, I want to share with you some glimpses of this new precious little bundle that has stolen my heart. Or more accurately, made it double in size. This little one, who squeaks as he nurses and wrinkles his face right before he cries (which is really only when he is hungry) and loves to sleep with his cheek against my chest, is the most humbling and amazing little person. I sit and watch him, as he perfectly sleeps or squirms around or even as he cries, and my heart just swells. And to watch Lucas love his brother is overwhelming in ways I could have never imagined. He comes and kisses Caden's feet and touches his face and makes up his own songs about Caden when he wakes up in the morning or when Caden is crying in the car. "I am trying to help him not cry, Mommy," he says. He comes and sits next to me as I latch Caden on and says "Mommy, please read this book to Lucas and to Caden." I would love nothing more. Truly.
I would never have thought I could love another like I love Lucas. And I would have never imagined I could love Lucas more. Yet both have come true. And my heart swells.

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So Very Blessed

With the time for the birth of my child drawing nearer and nearer, my emotions (and the organization efforts) are in high gear as you may expect. Today was no exception.

This morning, we had a service project with our church. We went and packaged food to be sent to hungry children in over 40 different countries. I had heard from many people that had done it before that it was an amazing experience. But I wasn't totally prepared for the emotional impact it would have on me. From the introductory video, to praying over the boxes we packed, to seeing the amazing pictures of malnourished children before and after.... it was overwhelming. Here I am, less than 48hours from bringing a child into the world, and feeling like my life is full of drama. But then I see these kids, who have so little, and I realize how amazingly blessed my life and my family is. That sounds so cliche, that my drama seems so much less significant after being reminded of the suffering of others. But it was emotional and humbling and made me want to come home and kiss Lucas a million times.

The organization we worked with today is called Feed My Starving Children. They are admirable and honest and commited to responding to Christ's command that we feed the hungry. And I was honored to be a very small part of it today.

My parents are both in town for the big event on Monday. Lucas loves his "Pa" and had a blast today playing in the dirt and feeding the ducks and collecting sticks. My dad gave him a bath and he was a little out of sorts when he got out. I was in his room putting laundry away and he ran over to me, nakie in his towel, and collapsed into my lap laying his head on my chest. I sat there on the floor, holding my baby, rocking him and resting my cheek on his little wet head. With my eyes closed, I soaked in one of the last moments that Lucas will be my baby. I couldn't help the tears, for the second time today. He got up to pick some books and I asked if we should put on his diaper and jammies. "No Mommy, I just want to snuggle with you" has said as he crumpled back into my lap. I gladly held him a little longer, not really wanting that moment to end.

Life is about to change... a lot. For the better....probably. I mean, of course for the better. I already can't imagine life without this baby and I haven't even met him yet. But it is still change and that always requires some adjustment. But after the high emotions of today, I am just feeling so grateful for what I have and acutely aware of the ways I am blessed.

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