Obstacle of Complacency

In an attempt to deepen my spiritual life a little, I asked for the book Praying God's Word by Beth Moore. I wanted something to help guide me in some regular prayer time since I have been seriously lacking in that area for awhile. I won't say that I stopped praying after Micah died since that is not totally true (although I did really start to question my role in prayer... but that is another story). And I won't say that this messy church battle we lived through a few years ago stunted me spiritually, since that probably isn't the whole story either. But throw all of life's events from the last 7yrs. into a big pot and stir it up and what you get is a woman who loves Jesus and knows He is guiding and loving me but also one who has kinda fallen off the wagon when it comes to deepening my spiritual walk.

But now I am trying to get back on track. I have been meeting regularly with this amazing lady (we'll call her Jane) from my church whose love for Jesus and her family astounds me. She challenges me and encourages me and I am so very grateful for her. But I also got a few books to help me improve my quiet time with God from rare to regular.
When I got the Beth Moore book, I read on the cover that it was about "breaking free from spiritual strongholds" and I thought that maybe this wasn't exactly what I was looking for.

"STRONGHOLDS sounds so severe. I just need something to get me going."

Turns out, this is exactly what I need, and maybe have been needing for awhile.
This lady from my church, Jane, from the outside she seems to be exactly what I strive for: full of life and compassion, gentle and kind, focused on Jesus. But she always wants more. She is always desiring and actively seeking to be more full of Jesus. She has share with me somethings that she is working through and it always throws me for a loop. I would NEVER have thought of that as a obstacle to our spiritual journey!! But for her, she is trying to empty herself of herself and be totally filled with Jesus. I am seeing now more clearly than ever, that one of my obstacles in my spiritual walk has been complacency.

When I was praying last fall about how I could grow as a child of God and a mother and a wife and God whispered to me that asking Jane to meet with me was the first step, that was the beginning of a journey away from complacency. There are so many areas of my life that need honing and refining. I need more of Jesus so that I don't try to do things in my own strength, or lack of. But so often it was becoming easy for me to say that I was a pretty good mom and I loved Jesus and I tried to serve my husband. But the last few months, I feel like God is really showing me that I need to strive for more than that. He wants me to be filled to overflowing with His love and blessings and grace. And to pour out to others out of that excess.
I am seeing, maybe for the first time in a long time, where I really am. I am seeing my faults in new light (and my strengths too) and seeing how I am not as close to God as I really want to be.

I read this line in Praying God's Word that has stuck with me. In talking about scriptures to pray to overcome the stronghold of pride, Beth Moore says, " Pride is self-absorption whether we are absorbed with how miserable we are or how wonderful we are."

I think I have been self-absorbed for too long. Absorbed with how little sleep I am getting or how little space I have or how many things are on my plate or how I have been hurt by so-and-so or how life would have been different if only....

Father, I desire to humble myself before you and trust that you will lift me up. (James 4:10)

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Morning Prayer

I received two books on prayer for Christmas. The first is Beth Moore's Praying God's Word and the other is Henri Nouwen's Book of Hours. Both have deeply impacted me and affected me so far. I have SO much more to share about the first book, if I can find time to sit and process it all a bit. But I wanted to share a bit of the second book this morning that helped shift my mind a little more towards Jesus as I am beginning this day.

My boys are notorious early risers and I have been trying to get up before them to have some quiet time to think and pray. So far it isn't working (more on that sometime soon too) so I am having to be a little creative to get my time alone. This morning, Lucas woke me up around 530 by climbing into my bed and waking Caden up (who was sleeping next to me). I was annoyed and agitated and felt myself starting the day on the wrong foot. So after breakfast, I sent the boys to play in the basement for a few minutes so I could drink my tea and spend some time being quiet. The concept of the book of hours is not new or unique to Henri Nouwen. It is a compilation of prayers and scriptures to be meditated on throughout the day, to keep our hearts focused on God. The passages I read this morning really hit me. And maybe they will speak to you too.

"When Jesus says: 'Make you home in me as I make mine in you,' he offers us an intimate place that we can truly call 'home.' Home is that place or space where we do not have to be afraid but can let go our defenses and be free, free from worries, free from tensions, free from pressures. Home is where we can laugh and cry, embrace and dance, sleep long and dream quietly, eat, read, play, watch the fire, listen to music, and be with a friend. Home is where we can rest and be healed."

"The spiritual life is not life before, after, or beyond our everyday existence. No, the spiritual life can only be real when it is lived in the midst of the pains and joys or the here and now. Therefore, we need to begin with a careful look at the way we think, speak, feel, and act from hour to hour, day to day, week to week, and year to year, in order to become more fully aware of our hunger for the spirit. As long as we have only a vague inner feeling of discontent with our present way of living, and only an indefinite desire for 'things spiritual,' our lives will continue to stagnate in a generalized melancholy." (OUCH)

I think I needed to read both those things this morning. God is definitely working on my soul. I was challenged by my prayer partner to pray about picking one word, a word that I could I could pray for myself for the coming year. Hers is "hunger," as in she wants to long for God in a way that is vital to her body with that hint of desperation. I am not sure what my word is yet, but I think God is pushing me towards something new this year. And it is starting with these two books that are teaching me how to see myself more clearly through His eyes and then see beyond myself and keep my eyes more firmly planted on Him.



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And the Leaves Do Come

I have been waiting. Waiting for some sign that my spring is coming. That I am free to enjoy life and feel grateful for what I have without living in the shadow of what I do not.
I stopped by Micah's tree today. I hadn't been there since the week after it was planted. The last month has been very busy, schedule-wise and relationship-wise. Life is full and a bit complicated. But mostly just really full.
But today, when I walked up to the tree and saw all these beautiful leaves, I just broke down in tears. I was not expecting the tree to produce such beautiful signs of life this soon. I felt like God had just reached down and put His hand on my shoulder. See, there is lots of life even when you least expect it.
I sat with Caden down in the grass and together we played with flowers and watched a little frog.
Life is full. I mean, yes, complicated and not always easy. But oh-so-full.

Thank you, God, for the beautiful leaves on Micah's tree. Thank you for making a beautiful tree even more magnificent. Thank you for this sign of life. On the tree and in my soul.

It may sound weird to you, but seeing these leaves today renews my strength and my hope that I can live in joy. And that when the things in life that I depend on seem to be out of control, He is still in control - making my tree and my life come into full bloom.


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Time Out

It is sometimes all too easy for me to go about my life and not make God part of my daily routine. I am quick to offer up a quick prayer in rushing about, but when it comes to making God a very real part of my day I often fall short.
I sat in church today as my fellow house church community went around and shared updates on their lives and needs and praises and prayer requests. As I listened, I was overwhelmed with the presence of God. It felt real and tangible and, well, right. God was there, receiving the honor we were giving as we acknowledged our need for Him and what we have already received from Him. What a simple concept, yet one that doesn't always come easy or natural. Sitting there today, I felt refreshed by the presence of God. I wanted to drink it all in and not waste this precious feeling of closeness and communion with God. But in this moment, I was also reflecting on why this doesn't happen for me more often. Why do I not feel this close communion with God all the time? I certainly have moments of despair and questioning but also moments of sheer joy and laughter. God is in all of that with me, yet I do not always focus on Him. I focus on the complexity of the situation or the depth of love I feel for my boys, not recognizing that God is there and wants to be my constant companion in both.
I need a time out. Or more accurately, I need to take time out. Time to stop during the days, during the moments, and acknowledge that God is indeed with me. He is guiding me as a mom, helping me get through my days, strengthening me and upholding me. And you too. I need to take the time to make sure my focus is Him in every moment.
I am not one to over-spiritualize things or life in general. I am practical enough and know myself well-enough to know that the reality of this will look different than the ideal. I am not a nun living in solitude (although that sounds nice from time to time). But, a good start will be to periodically just take a time out and acknowledge God's presence in my day. He is not just present with me on Sundays. He is present with me as I make Lucas waffles or put Caden down for a nap or take the dog potty for the ump-teenth time. He is present when Lucas makes me laugh or when I am so tired I want to cry. And present with you too.

Psalm 90
¹ Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations.
² Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God.
³ You turn men back to dust, saying, "Return to dust, O sons of men."
⁴ For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by,
or like a watch in the night.
⁵ You sweep men away in the sleep of death; they are like the new grass of the morning-
⁶ though in the morning it springs up new, by evening it is dry and withered.
⁷ We are consumed by your anger and terrified by your indignation.
⁸ You have set our iniquities before you, our secret sins in the light of your presence.
⁹ All our days pass away under your wrath; we finish our years with a moan.
¹⁰ The length of our days is seventy years—or eighty, if we have the strength;
yet their span is but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away.
¹¹ Who knows the power of your anger?
For your wrath is as great as the fear that is due you.
¹² Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
¹³ Relent, O LORD! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants.
¹⁴ Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and
be glad all our days.
¹⁵ Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
for as many years as we have seen trouble.
¹⁶ May your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to their children.
¹⁷ May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands
for us—yes, establish the work of our hands.


excerpt from Moment Made for Worshipping- Steven Curtis Chapman

This is a moment made for worshipping
Cause this is a moment I'm alive
And this is a moment I was made to sing
A song of living sacrifice
For every moment that I live and breathe
This is a moment made for worshipping
.
.
.
.
From the rising of the sun
To the setting the sun
The name of the Lord is worthy to be praised



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Psalm Sunday- my first attempt

After such a peaceful, calm day yesterday, today seemed a little out of control. I felt a little overwhelmed this evening. I have these moments when I just get worried that I may not be able to handle a toddler and an infant and a puppy and keep my sanity at the same time. I know lots of women do much more, but I still worry at times. So tonight while hubby was thankfully handling bedtime with my truly crazy 2yr old, I sat to start this post and decided to read one of my favorite Psalms. These verses always remind me to put my fears in His hands and let Him give me rest. Even when I get all overwhelmed and anxious, my God is loving and strong and He is my refuge. I don't know about you, but there is nothing I need more on Mother's Day than a reminder that I cannot do all this in my own strength and that He is my rest when I do have evenings (or mornings or afternoons or ...) like this. May it speak to your soul the way it does to mine.

Psalm 62

1 My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
3 How long will you assault a man? Would all of you throw him down- his leaning wall, this tottering fence?
4 They fully intend to topple him from his lofty place; they take delight in lies.

With their mouths they bless, but in their hearts they curse.

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
8 Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
9 Lowborn men are but a breath, the highborn are but a lie; if weighed on a balance, they are nothing; together they are only a breath.
10 Do not trust in extortion or take pride in stolen goods; though your riches increase, do not set your heart on them.
11 One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong,

12 and that you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done.

Enough (Chris Tomlin)

You are my supply

My breath of life

Still more awesome than I know

You are my reward

Worth living for

Still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for

All of me for every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough

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Here comes the Sun

Today's weather in Chicagoland was like a breath of fresh air... warm, sunny and perfect for a nice spring walk. My family has more reasons than that, though, to stand in the sun and breathe deep. Next summer, hubby will have another boy to hold his other hand. Our ultrasound went well, baby looks healthy, and we are having a boy... our third!! I guess I am destined to be the mother of boys. There are much worse things. :) We are thrilled and relieved and ready to dive into choosing a name. Thanks to all of you who prayed for us and lifted us up. It is what sustained us and got us through one of the scarriest moments of my life. But God, again, showed us His mercy and goodness and has blessed us with another son.

Spring is coming....in so many ways.

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Think, think, think...

Recently Lucas has gotten into watching "Tigger and Pooh" on Disney channel. I have to admit this is because it comes on at 6:30am and it is Mommy's way of getting a few extra minutes of sleep. He affectionately calls the show "think, think, think" with his cute little finger on his cheek because that is what Pooh does.... he thinks. Life seems to be coming at me so fast these days that I long to be a little more like Pooh. I want to sit under a tree and think, think, think. Sitting on my couch with my laptop will have to do for now...
Do you ever feel like you have no non-asleep free time? Because I am pregnant and nauseous and chasing a toddler, when I have free time I sleep. But also because I am pregnant, I have so many "things" in my head that I need to sort through, to figure out. Thankfully, a blessed friend took Lucas to her house to play this morning so I could have a few hours to sleep clean think.

A few months ago a read a post by a woman who had found out some potential bad news re: her pregnancy. She speaks here about being terrified to know the truth but needing so desperately to know so that she can go on with the rest of her life with this baby as a part of it, no matter what. At the time, her thoughts resonated deeply with me, like watching an old home movie and reliving events from my past. But now, being pregnant again and facing the 50% possibility of losing another child, those same thoughts run through my head in real time in a never-ending loop of doubt and fear and sincere attempts at joy.

To be able to say "no matter what" ... kinda tough at times. How does one finish that phrase? No matter what, I will survive it. Or, I will have joy. I will be content. I will trust God's plan. No matter what, I will be able to be a good mom to Lucas. I will not go insane or lose my true self. I will enjoy this baby, this pregnancy. No matter what, I will be a mother of three.

Like my friend Heather, I have been pondering last week's sermon at our little house church about the first few verses of James. James writes:

"2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

"Consider it joy"... also kinda tough. To thank God for our trials does not come naturally for me. It is our trials, though, that begin to chip away at our outer self and reveal more of Jesus in us. It is like the analogy of a block of stone (used by the speaker at church). God looks at that block and sees His Son. But in order for the rest of the world to see what God sees, He must shape us and break away the excess. Is this current trial God chipping away at my excess? I must have a LOT of excess for God to use this familiar trial for further shaping.

"If any of you lacks wisdom...ask God." Wisdom. Is that what I lack? That among so many other things. Is it the lack of wisdom that contributes to this broken record of doubt and uncertainty in my head? If I could see how this ends, would I rest in that knowledge "no matter what?" Right now it is the not knowing and the fear of the "what if" that paralyzes me. But in 7weeks I will know more about the fate of this baby, this pregnancy. What then? Will I complete the "no matter what" phrase the same if the outcome is happy or tragic? That IS what it means to say "no matter what." But it is certainly easier to say I will be content if I am preparing a nursery and not another funeral. Wisdom. Not just knowledge of what path I am on. It is wisdom I need. Wisdom to know how to persevere in the face of this trial God is using to shape me. Wisdom to know how to respond. And wisdom to be a mom and a wife and a friend and a sister, etc... in the meantime. I am not the only one in the midst of an excess-shaving trial.
James tells us that if we lack wisdom, just ask and the Lord gives it freely. So here I am, asking. Lord, I need Your wisdom and Your comfort and Your strength. Help me Lord to have joy, no matter what.

I leave you with two songs we sang at this same house church this week. Songs that were difficult for me to sing but only because they so depict the raw emotion of my heart and use words that I need to say to God but often can't make cross my lips...

I will bless the Lord forever

I will trust him at all times

He has delivered me from all fear

He has set my feet upon a rock

And I will not be moved

And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield,

My strength, my portion,

Deliverer

My Shelter, Strong Tower

My very present help in time of need

Hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy

I am empty but I know your Love does not run dry

So I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.

Broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide.

I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life.

So I wait for You....

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My prayer as he sleeps

Lord, please protect him as he sleeps. Restore his body, his mind, his heart. Let his dreams be filled with trucks and snowplows and other things that bring him joy. Give him the rest he needs to grow healthy and strong and wake up rested and ready to embrace the day. Lord, whisper to his soul. Whisper of your love for him and the plans that you have for him, plans for a hope and a future. Whisper those plans to me too, Lord, so that I can adequately prepare him to serve You and love You with his whole self. Give me eyes to see his strengths and gifts and wisdom in how to cultivate them. Keep me from leading him astray. Keep my faults and shortcomings from stealing his joy or crushing his spirit. Forgive me for losing my temper today and increase my patience for tomorrow. Help me to discipline so that he learns right from wrong but not so much that he loses his independent, fun-loving spirit. Help me to sing with him even when I do not feel like singing so he too will sing during the times of his life when he doesn't feel joyful. Help me to laugh with him and build towers with him and read enthusiastically so that he always retains the joy found in those things. Let the words from my mouth be uplifting and encouraging and never disparaging or out of anger. Lord, hear my prayers for my son and for me as his mother. Protect us, keep us, endear us to each other and to You. Thank you for entrusting this precious child to me. May our days be filled with joy and may I always point him back to You, the creator of all joy.

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