Sprinklers and other Beach Fun

The boys and I just got back from a fabulous trip to FL. It was really one of the best we have ever had. Some great beach time, some alone time for mommy, no family drama. Just a really, really nice time with my parents and my sister and my beloved beach. :) Here are some of the highlights:

Fun with the water hose and Mimi: the boys started fully clothed and slowly peeled off layers as they ran through the sprinkler. Perfect little boy, summer fun!!

Lucas loves to wear his superhero costumes... even when riding his bike. Not quite the Batmobile, but a sweet ride none-the-less.

A special Green Lantern superhero party with Mimi and Pa!

We had plenty of sunny days on the beach, but one of our favorite times was right after a rain storm when the dark clouds were rolling through. It was warm and shady and the sand was perfect for sandcastles. We caught sand crabs and built sand forts and had an amazing time. It will forever be one of my favorite memories of time on the beach with my boys.





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Done! or Done?

I have mentioned MANY times that I am fairly certain I am done having babies. Lots of factors went into making that decision and the older Caden gets the more sure I am becoming that I don't want to re-enter the "baby phase" of life.

But....

Last night I had a dream, one of those that felt so real that I had to convince myself it wasn't true when I woke up. I told Hubby about it and we both had a good laugh. But deep down it was more unsettling than amusing. The most unsettling thing.... I have had an almost identical dream before. Hmmmm....
I dreamt that I had a baby. A baby girl, to be exact. And I named her Molly in both dreams. The circumstances were different in each dream, but in both dreams I didn't know I was pregnant until very late in the pregnancy and Hubby didn't meet her until a few days after she was born. Upon learning I was having a baby in both dreams, I was in shock but not surprised (if that makes any sense). I somehow knew it was coming but was not ready for it at all.

I am not one to get crazy about dream interpretation. But there have been a few times in my life when I have put stock in a dream I had or someone else had about me. I don't know that any of those times have worked out as the dreams predicted but I don't know that I expect them to. But, I do think the God can and does use our dreams to speak to us. Either to give us glimpses of what's to come or give us peace about the present or maybe spur us on to something.

If I had only had this dream once, I might be more likely to brush it off. But twice.... Is God trying to tell me something? Am I done? I feel less certain of it today than I did yesterday and yet my reasons for being done still remain. I WOULD love to have a daughter. Yet I LOVE being the mother of boys and could be totally content if this was it. In my dreams, I knew once Molly was born that my family was finally complete. It felt right. That is the part I can't shake. I feel like I am done. But maybe God has one more baby for me.. maybe a girl named Molly?

I don't know. Maybe I am ready WAY too much into this. Maybe I had a little too much wine last night while Hubby was at the Sox game. Maybe this is my subconscious just working out my lingering doubts about having another baby. Or maybe, God is planting seeds in my heart, preparing me for another baby that may be in my future. I guess time will tell, but I sure would like to know how much time that will be.



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Building Memories

As my little boys nap after a VERY full morning, I am sitting here staring out over the mountains thinking about... well, a lot of things. We are staying in this beautiful house on the lake in northern Georgia with hiking trails and swimming and boating and so many other super-cool things that are far out of our normal routine back home. Sure, we go swimming at home and we play in the stream at the Arboretum and hike around there too. But there is something really special about being away. And being with family. And having carved out time to do nothing but be together and enjoy the beauty of nature. I feel like I am giving my boys the childhood I want them to have. I am helping them build memories of playing in creeks and hiking on trails (and off them) and swimming in the lake. I love especially that both boys went on a special hike with their Pa this morning, just the three boys. They came home after an hour and a half with sweaty shirts and special treasures to show and stories of throwing rocks in the water and "helping my little brother up the hill." Makes my momma's heart bubble over. They are out being little boys and soaking in the nurturing of their grandparents and their Auntie who love them. They are getting dirty and commenting on the beauty of the trees and the eagles that we see outside our windows.




We have only been here two days... four more to go... and I am looking forward to every minute.




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Holiday Weekend

It was a busy holiday weekend, but one of the best I could have hoped for. The weather was great although a bit hot. But that didn't stop us from having all sorts of holiday fun. My parents were in town from Florida and we just had a fabulous time.

The boys just adore their "Mimi and Pa" and we had an action-packed weekend with them including the Wheaton Parade and the Glen Ellyn Fireworks (both fabulous and super-fun!). All the weekend fun did make for some tuckered out little boys though. I mean, who falls asleep at a parade?!



Other highlights of the weekend...

...this Chevy Traverse I got to test-drive for the weekend. The awesome-ness of this car surpassed my expectations... But more on that later.


....and running the Warrenville Firecracker 5K with my dad. My dad is a retired AirForce Colonel and long-time runner so I was pretty nervous to run with him. But he graciously stayed with me the whole time and we had a really nice run. It was super hot and I was having some trouble with my hands (they tend to swell and cramp when I run or when I get too hot- darn Lupus!) so I didn't do as well as I would have liked (right around 32min for the 5K). But, I ran the whole thing and had a really nice time with my dad so I am content with that. We even talked about making it a tradition but we'll see.

Overall, we had a perfect holiday weekend. It was full and fun, drama-free and refreshing. Perfect.



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Week 53

We have had a busy couple weeks, celebrating Caden's birthday with family and friends and just living life to the fullest. I have been horribly delinquent with posting here so I thought a little update was in order. Here is a photo tour of week 53+ for Caden and his family...

I took the boys to the Arboretum on Caden's actual birthday (the 11th). We love to be outside and in the fresh air, running in the grass and feeling the warm breeze. It was a great way to celebrate my boys and Caden's birthday. We then went home and had a picnic lunch with Daddy which was also super fun.

My parents and sister came into town later in the week to continue the celebration. Here we are playing outside by Micah's tree. It was just a perfect day and I felt so blessed to have my parents with us. To see them playing with the boys just makes life seem simple and meaningful to me. I know they cherish my sons and each bring so much joy to the other. And that to me, is priceless. I want my boys to grow up having as much time with Mimi and Pa as possible. What a richness they bring to their lives and for that I am so grateful.

Lucas eating watermelon at the park. I couldn't resist adding in this pic. I love that little watermelon-face!! :)

My family all trekked down to the city for the Chicago Air and Water show. It was a fabulous show and we had a great time. Lucas loved the airplanes, as long as I was covering his ears! (He doesn't like loud noises) :) My dad is a retired AirForce fighter pilot so it was especially meaningful to see with him. Lucas even declared he wants to be a fighter pilot when he grows up to the delight of us all!

Caden's official birthday party was last Sunday. It was a simple gathering of some friends from church and our small group. I just wanted to have a picnic outside by Micah's tree. But the weather forced us inside which turned out even better. Thank God for unexpected blessings. Caden certainly didn't let us down with the smushing of the cake. But the highlights of the party were definitely the kids riding their trikes around safety town and then one of the kids pulling the fire alarm as the party was drawing to a close. The fire trucks came and we all had to evacuate the building. It was pretty funny and the kids thought I had arranged the coolest birthday party finale ever!

I became an Auntie! My brother-in-law and my sister-in-law had a little baby girl on August 16th. Now I can finally buy all those adorable dresses and spoil my sweet niece! She is so tiny and so precious!

This weekend, we went to the Day Out with Thomas at the Illinois Railway Museum. As we plugged along on the 10min train ride, we pretended to be traveling to Sodor. "I see Gordon pulling his tender," Lucas would say and Hubby and I would play along. We had a blast. It was just the refreshing time together as a family that we needed after a busy birthday season.


As you can see, we have been pretty busy. But all fun things so I can't complain!
I am really gonna try to be better about posting here. My life is in transition right now. I have a lot of irons in the fire and a bit of a heavy heart. But, I am sorting and purging and figuring things out and would certainly appreciate your prayers as I do so. Have you heard the Matthew West song "The Motions?" You should listen to it if you haven't. It has become my mantra of late. Better yet, my prayer.
Lord, make my life meaningful and intentional, not just going through the motions. These boys, this life, are too precious to live any other way. Help me, Lord, to live the 51 weeks left in this 2nd year of Caden's life with passion and love and peace.




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More?

My very pregnant sister-in-law came to hang out with us the other day. I love her cute pregnant belly. I love hearing how her daughter still has so much room to wiggle in there. I love all the tiny pink clothes and the anticipation of waiting for her arrival. I see her, waiting for her baby to be born. On the verge of her life changing in ways that are impossible to predict or prepare her for. Then I look at my baby, my almost one-year-old baby. I was exactly where she is a year ago. Pregnant and waiting.

I actually LOVE being pregnant even though it is full of drama for me. I love knowing that my child is growing inside my womb, safe and protected and nurtured. I love feeling him move and kick. I don't even mind all the other discomforts because the miracle of it all overshadows all the hassle. But even though all those things are true, I am fairly sure that I am done having babies. I might want another one down the road, FAR down the road. But even that is just a maybe.

I have often wondered what kind of mom I would be if I could focus all my time and attention on one kid. Would I be too smothering? Would I be more creative and attentive? Would I be able to homeschool like I ideally would want to? Having two kids right now stretches my emotional and physical energy. Although, that seems to be getting better the older Caden gets. And while the reality of having two right now does not always bring out the best in me, I ultimately think I may be better able to be the kind of mother that I want to be if I don't have anymore kids and can focus my time and energy on my two boys. On those days when I am rested and on my mommy-game, this feels manageable. More than that, it feels ideal and fulfilling and the way I want my life to be. Throw another newborn in the mix, the night feedings and all that having an infant brings, and I don't know how I would deal with it at this point.

That being said, it is sad to think of never being pregnant again or snuggling a newborn in my sling. I may have to use my newborn neice or my sisters' babies to take care of my need for sling-cuddles. Admitedly, I feel genuinely torn. So we have decided not to decide, at least for now. We went forward with a birth control option that gives us about 5years of worry-free family planning. Maye 4years from now, I will realize that I can handle one more and that our family would be able to stretch to make more room. OR.... it may be crystal clear that my baby days are through and I can put all my energy into my 5and 7 year old boys. I'm sure by that time, I will have a lot of energy, right?

Maybe I will want to try for a girl and maybe I will be so in the thick of little league and karate that tea parties and tutus won't seem to fit in my world.

And there is always the question of adoption. I have always wanted to adopt. Since my first trip to China when I was a senior in highschool, I know that my family would one day include a Chinese daughter. And that is still the basic plan... but you know how plans go sometimes. I have heard some horrow stories about adoption and some great successes. Regardless, it is something that has always been in my heart and in my life plan. But if losing Micah taught me anything, it is that what I plan and try to prepare for is ALWAYS second to and totally dependant on God's higher plan. I could get pregnant next month or never again- God knows and holds it all.

Life feels perfect right now. I mean, crazy busy and not enough sleep and kinda chaotic. But slowly I am getting back to level ground after years of a roller coaster life. And I think I want to keep these feet planted for awhile. For the sake of myself, my marriage, my boys. I am not saying forever. But for awhile at least.



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Soak in the Sun

We just got home from Florida tonight, and after another long day of traveling (not nearly as chaotic as last time) this Mama is ready for bed! But, I did want to share a few of my favorite shots from our week in the sun. I would love to share more about our trip soon, but for now I gotta get some sleep. I have to work in the morning! :) I hope you enjoy the pics. Try to feel the warm rays of sunshine and the 60degree temps... I know I am!

Lucas playing in the sand with Mimi (my mom)- that is one sand-lovin' boy (just like his Mama!) Caden actually loved the sand too. He just sat in it and let it run through his hands.

A walk on the beach with Pa (my dad)- my boys adore their Pa, and the feeling is quite mutual!

Me and the boys at the AirForce Armament Museum- Lucas loved seeing all the different airplanes, especially the ones his Pa used to fly.

Lucas pulling Caden in the wagon- Caden LOVED the wagon and didn't want to get out. And Lucas thought he was the coolest, pulling his little brother around the yard- SUPER CUTE!!

I buried both boys in the sand, and as you can see, they both loved it!! That's my boys!!A sunset walk- precious time with Pa!Looking for shells with Mimi- a beach tradition

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A Strange Lonliness

I grew up a little today... quite unexpectedly. My grandmother, my dad's mother and my last living grandparent, died last night.

Both my grandfathers died before I was born. My dad's mom did remarry and I knew and loved him as my Grandpa my whole life until he died when I was in college. My mom's mom also died when I was in college. Growing up a military kid, we lived all over so I saw my grandparents once or maybe twice a year, if that. So I would not say that I have ever been super close to my grandma ("Grams"). But we occasonally talked on the phone and traveled to California to visit. I tried to be faithful to send pics of the boys. And I loved her.

And now that she has gone to heaven to be with Jesus, I feel strange. Yes, sad but also grateful because she had Alzheimer's and is now herself again. Also admittedly a little jealous because she is now in the presence of Jesus and probably holding my little Micah's hand. I do hope they found each other. No matter what your theology of heaven tells you, I know that my grandma and my first born are worshiping Jesus together tonight.

.

My Grams with Lucas in June '06

But this strangeness I feel surprises me a bit, catches me a little off guard. As I process this news and sort through the emotions of it, I feel inexplicably lonely and isolated. As I said, I didn't see her that often. But now I have no living grandparents and that feels strange. I am no longer anyone's granddaughter. I am daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, mother, niece, cousin.... but not granddaughter. I just grew up a bit.

My parents both told me that everyone would understand if I didn't make it to California for the funeral. It is a week until Christmas and I have a 4month old. But I feel the need to go. Not really to see my family, though that will be nice. Not to make an appearance. I am going to validate a relationship that is significant to me, to my boys. I am going as my way of saying that I loved her deeply and treasured her role, even if somewhat limited, in my life. I am going because she was my grandmother, a woman who I am forever connected to and thus my boys are too.

She was a strong woman who survived two husbands, a son, a grandson, a great grandson, and her beloved dog. She loved to play video poker and slots in Vegas and smoked like a fiend. But she was tender and genuine and very much a part of me. She loved the color purple, ice cream, and anything with dogs. It has only been in the last few years that she stopped sending me sweatshirts with puppies on them for birthdays and Christmas. She always sent cards for mine and hubby's and Lucas' birthdays even in the throws of Alzheimer's. It was like the last piece of her that always remained in the now. I made her a quilt a few years ago with squares for each person in our family and she displayed it proudly on her wall. Right next to the picture I cross-stitched for my grandpa when I was barely 9 or 10 and all the family pictures she had collected over the years. I always found it funny to see pictures of Lucas displayed right next to a picture of me from 2nd grade.

I moved up on the generation ladder today. There is only one above me now. And that feels strangely lonely. I wonder how my dad feels, being at the top of that generation ladder now...

I grew up a bit today. She is my history, a piece of my heritage. And I will miss her. I already do.

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