I have a 2 year old son Lucas who is the joy of my life. He is a typical rough-and-tumble little boy and his smile is so contagious. I love cuddling with him and reading stories and making him laugh. We recently added another son to our mix. Little Caden was born in August '08 and is such a blessing to our family.
I have a three year old Beagle named Hadley who definitely tries my patience but makes my heart melt when he curls up next to me on the couch.
I have another son, my firstborn, who is in heaven with Jesus and I look forward to the day I will reunite with him. Please join me on this bloggy adventure of motherhood and discovering who it is that God has created me to be.
Lucas Robert- March '06. My thinker with a huge vocabulary and a bigger heart. So full of life and wonder and imagination. Future engineer or architect or whatever he puts his mind to. My tender mama's boy with the rough-and-tumble outside. Whether playing cars or reading books or just sitting with mama, he lives life fully. And I think that is great!!
Caden
Caden Lauten- August '08 With the warmest eyes that light up the room, he is my little love-bug who wants to be with mama at all times! Never content to just sit, except when snuggled close in the sling where Mama's face is just a reached out hand away. My little explorer, following his brother and puppy everywhere, my baby and the light of my life!
I have mentioned before that there is a certain song by Pink that is especially near and dear to me (for reasons that I cannot disclose). Well, I just found out that this certain song was performed AT THE GRAMMIES tonight and I can hardly believe it! I was at work tonight and didn't watch them live. But a dear friend (thanks Alli!) sent me the link to the YouTube video and I am bursting all over again. If you didn't see the performance either, here is the video for you. This song makes me cry, for so many reasons not the least of which is that it is just a really, really beautiful song. It seems especially poignant for me tonight just thinking about the songwriter (whomever that may be... *wink, wink*) and some current challenges in my own life. This song, to me, celebrates the beauty that is found in living fully in the moment and not waiting for something better to come tomorrow. It is about living with abandon and not holding back or robbing yourself of joy just to protect yourself from hurt. This has been a theme I feel God is trying to teach me about lately. Don't go through the motions, don't put up walls of protection all the time, love and be loved with abandon....
So even though there are some conflicting thoughts and feelings in my head and heart and soul tonight, I leave you with this beautiful song that reminds me to live my life fully and find joy in all the blessings both big and small. I might just throw some glitter in the air, just 'cuz I never have and it seems like it might be really fun.
We are going on hour 19 of 24 of Hubby's crazy work day which started at noon yesterday and will end around noon today. But this is really hour 24 of 34 that I am playing single mom starting with Lucas' early wake up yesterday (Hubby slept in to gear up for his crazy day/night). My relief will come when Hubby wakes up around 5ish from the power nap he will need when he finally comes home. Yesterday was fine, even good. We had a fun morning, good naps, an outing and dinner with some friends. Lucas even went to bed with little drama. Some friends came over to hang out and have some wine/chocolate therapy. I felt pretty good about my energy level and patience. Honestly, I think I do better with my parenting sometimes when Hubby is gone because I have no expectation of having help. So I set more manageable goals and just take things in stride. I was actually having a lot of fun with my boys.
Was. Until around 11pm. Caden woke up, snotty and more clingy than ever. I got him back to sleep around midnight in time to see Hubby for a few minutes when he came home to shower and then turn right back around and leave. I laid down and got about 20min. of sleep before my snotty baby woke up. From there it was an endless cycle of "I want to nurse-but I can't breathe-so I'll just cry- which makes me want to nurse-..." I'm sure you've been there. We tried the steamy shower, sitting up, all the old tricks. I think we both got some sleep, but not enough as we both woke up cranky and very tired. Top that off with some old-fashioned toddler defiance and disobedience at 6:30am and you have a mama who is nearing the end of her limits. Anytime you have both a spanking for direct defiance and a timeout for general disobedience and excessive whining before 7am after a sleepless night with a sick baby, the day can't go anywhere but up. Right? At least Lucas is acting better after our mother-son heart-to-heart. I just told him that neither of us would survive a day that continued to look this way. He could probably see in my face that I really wasn't kidding.
After that, I picked up my hysterical 7month old and turned on some music on Comcast to change the mood. The second song to play was this one , then this one (neither of which I hadn't heard since high school). But it was just what I needed to get my head back in the game, get my eyes off myself and my seemingly-rough morning.
"We believe in God, and we all need Jesus. 'Cuz life is hard, and it might not get easier..."
"Make my life a prayer to you, I want to do what you want me to."
"I want to thank you now, for being patient with me. Oh, it's so hard to see when my eyes are on me."
I have been meaning to sit down and write an intentional post about my Lenten reflections. Butthis pretty well sums it up.After readinga post from a friend about proper perspective and then hearing these songs, I am realizing that this is truly how my heart feels. The fatigue and frustration with the clinginess and naughtiness and ridiculous whining are NOT the true state of my heart. At least I hope not. The emotion that pours out when I hear such songs and let those words roll off my tongue and out of my heart- that indicates to me that that is what is true.
It is so easy for me to get caught up in the "hard-ness" of the moment or the day. And then moments like this hit when I can brush away the fog and see things clearly, even if it is just for this moment. I do believe in God, and I do need Jesus. Because life really is hard and I really do want to do what He wants me to. And sometimes it takes being at the edge of my limits to force me to take my eyes off me. This is exactly what Lent is supposed to be- a time to strip away those things that we lean on, depend on, crave and replace them with the truth that we all need Jesus. I have spent a lot of time thinking about which preschool to send Lucas to in order to shape his little soul and what activities I should put together to teach him about the truth of Lent and Easter. But in this moment I would really just like to teach him the truth I can see and feel right now- that we all strive for perfection and to be able to do things well. But in the end, all that we need to know is that "we believe in God and we ALL need Jesus." You may think that is over-simplifying it. But if I can teach my boys that, than even if I choose the wrong preschool or slack on cutting felt symbols or lose my cool before 7am, than I might still be doing ok. If I can teach myself that...
Today has not started well and I have a long way to go before help comes, and yet He is here. And I am tired and the boys are both a bit cranky, but He is here.
Lord, help me to strip away my pride and self-reliance and narrow focus and fix my eyes upward on You. Life may seem hard, but You are here.
I believe in God, and I need Jesus. Simple. True. Things are looking up already.
Music has been on my mind a lot this week. I have a really wide range of tastes in music. I like a song that moves my heart, my emotions, but also my booty and dancing feet! It occurs to me everytime I listen to my iPod on shuffle that some of the song combos you hear from my playlists would not ever be heard together anywhere else. While listening to my iPod on shuffle last night in the kitchen (I cook and clean better with music), these are the songs that played- in this order, no kidding.
Toxic- Britney Spears (yes, I am a fan. don't laugh.) He's Always been Faithful- Sara Groves Hot in Herre- Nelly (and yes, I love hip-hop. I said no laughing.) Holy is the Lord- Chris Tomlin 100 Years- Five for Fighting I Boast No More- Caedmon's Call For the Moments I Feel Faint- Reliant K(a great song, btw, if you have never heard it) Don't Phunk with My Heart- Black Eyed Peas Let us Pray- Steven Curtis Chapman Outrageous- Britney No Diggity- Blackstreet (kickin' it old school!!) Maneater- Nelly Furtado Take my Hand- The Kry (speaking of old school...) You Had Me- Joss Stone Oh, Love that Will Not Let Me Go- Indelible Grace CD's SexyBack- JT (oh, how I love me some Justin Timberlake....yummy!) Oh Lord Your Love- Caedmon's Call Golddigger- Kanye West My Heart Your Home- Watermark Never Alone- Barlow Girl (yet another great song)
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Do you know anyone else who has Nelly and Sara Groves and Britney and Chris Tomlin back-to-back? Kinda random, but I can rock it out to all these songs and get my kitchen-groove on.
