Adjusting

Life is full of adjustments these days. Learning how to nurse a babe and read stories or play cars or do stickers at the same time.... how to fix a meal while soothing a newborn and entertaining a toddler and managing the pup... how to be a good mom/wife to all my boys and not lose my mind in the process.

Lucas is doing great, I think. He is more emotional these days than he used to be. He comes and kisses his brother's feet and makes up songs to help him "not feel sad." But, he also starts to cry and throw a tantrum when I try to pull him away from his cars to feed him breakfast or lunch. Part of it is just being 2 and part of it is adjusting to this life change. Mommy can't hold him as much or cater to him as much as before. He still "mommy, play with me" about 20times a day. And I do whenever I can. But we are both having to adjust to the reality that I can't drop everything to play trucks anymore like I used to. His adjustment is most noticeable in his naptime routine. He now asks to "fall asleep on my pants" (aka-lay his head on my lap) or for me to hold him as he falls asleep. "Mommy, snuggle me" he says. And I gladly do, when I can. Mommy is adjusting too.
Caden is amazing. You may not be able see it in the picture, but he is starting to get those "Brown-boy cheeks" that both his brothers had from day one. I love that he looks more like me but yet has those cheeks that make him undeniably his father's son. (Actually, I think you can see the 'cheek resemblance' between the boys in this picture). He is so strong. He has been lifting his head since the day he was born, literally. When laying on his tummy, he can push himself in a circle with his feet. He loves the sling, which I am so grateful for. I love the cuddle time and the easy, go-to soothing technique. He is the most easy-going of us all. :)

We are getting out, resuming life. Today was the first day of my ladies' bible study (9-11am) and Lucas' music class (11:15-12). We attended both this morning and took it all in stride. It was a little crazy but we did both and enjoyed both. It is certainly easier, in some ways, to manage everyone when we just stay home and not venture out. But that is not how I want life to be. I am a home-body by personality. Left to myself, I would probably stay home and keep to myself most of the time. But I also love the satisfaction of having gone out and had a great time. So while I may not want to leave the house, I am usually glad I did. That is the same about me whether I am alone or with one kid or two. It is just the process of getting out that has gotten harder. But we are adjusting.

Hubby and I are having to adjust in our marriage too. Our collaboration as parents and partners has been very smooth so far, much better than right after Lucas was born. Hubby has grown so much as a father in the last two years and it is awesome to watch. We have been in counseling for about a year now and we both can see how our communication patterns have completely changed. There is much more sharing of duties and thoughts and ... just about everything. And it makes all the difference in the world. Our biggest task now in adjusting to two kids, is to find time in our week to just be together. It is a challenge, but oh so important if we want our marriage to continue to grow.

Overall, I feel really good about how we have made the transition so far. I have my moments of insanity but there are less of them than I expected. So far, at least. Adding Caden to the picture has changed our whole family structure. No longer can we just fly by the seat of our pants. Even though I think we were/are very intentional in our parenting decisions with Lucas, having two kids to parent shakes everything up. No longer are we "a couple with a kid." We are a bonified family and it feels like a big shift. A good one though. It feels more natural, like I am finally settling into motherhood instead of making everything a big deal. I still get a little flustered when Caden is crying and Lucas is whining and I am trying to get something done and nothing seems to be going my way in that moment. I pray everyday that God would help me to fully and intentionally parent both boys and not just get by or coast through. But this is all part of learning how to manage my new reality...adjusting.

I feel like I am rambling so I will stop. I will just say that life feels more right now than it has in a long time. A bit sleep-deprived, but right.

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If it makes you happy...

... it can't be that bad, right. Or so the song goes.

I have mentioned before that hubby and I have been going to counseling for almost a year now. We reached a point last summer where we felt like little more than co-existing roommates and were having some troubles with conflict resolution. We decided that we would go and get some help before things got too bad. We realized that we needed some outside help learning some tools for resolving conflicts 'cuz we didn't seem to be making much ground on our own. The past year has been so amazing. We have learned to fight better and talk better and just overall communicate better. It hasn't always been fun. In fact, it has been (and still is) really hard. But it has made a huge difference in the way we interact with each other and the way we love each other, practically and romantically.

But this isn't meant to be a "good for us" post about working on our marriage.

Today is our 9 year wedding anniversary. That is 9 years of ups and downs and laughs and cries. I got the most beautiful peach roses (my all-time favorite!) today and hopefully we will be able to go out to dinner or something soon. It has been a good day. But recently (actually at his sister's rehearsal dinner), hubby dropped a bit of an emotional bomb on me. In a conversation with his brother (whose inhibitions were somewhat lowered by a couple beers), hubby was defending his views on birthday celebrations (which are somewhat unorthadox- but that is a whole other topic). In this conversation, hubby was accused of not wanting to be happy. His response stunned me. Without going into too much detail, this whole conversation launched us into an emotion-filled discussion of what it means to be truly happy and if that is a mark we should realistically strive for. But also, how much of our spouses' happiness are we responsible for?

Hubby was confused as to why his professed lack of overall happiness would leave me feeling insulted and somewhat unclear of where I stood with him. "My happiness is not your job," he said. But while it is not my job, it is my heart's desire and thus something I work towards. Or at least am ever mindful of.

I know it is not technically my job, at least I think I do. I cannot control his response to life or make him feel any certain way. But I do feel that it is part of my God-given responsibility as his wife (of 9 years!!) to create an environment in which happiness is the most likely response. If I am contemplating what to make for dinner and I am deciding between lasagna and beef stroganoff, I will probably choose the stroganoff because I know he really enjoys that meal. If it is an early morning wake-up call with Lucas and I know hubby has not slept well or is really tired, I will try at least to repress any feelings of sleep entitlement and get up so that he can get a few extra minutes. Why? Because I think that is what will make him happy. Now, I am far from good at this. I am not the saint I may be painting the picture of. I grumble to myself when feeding Lucas breakfast or other less-than-gracious things. And hubby does get up with Lucas and let me sleep sometimes too. But do you see the point? I WANT him to be happy and I will do whatever I can do to make that so. So to hear that he isn't sure if he is or not is kind of a blow to me.

To his defense, he is not claiming to be UNhappy. He is just in a place of figuring out what it is that makes life truly enjoyable for him and how he can make the most of life and feel ultimately fulfilled by it. It is easy to say that happiness is found in spending time with our spouse or our children or with God or whatever. But I think if all of us are truly honest we will admit that there is more to it than that. And I am proud of hubby for getting to a place where he is brave enough to admit that and embark on an introspective journey to discovering what happiness for him will truly look like.

But in the meantime, where does that leave me? My admittedly somewhat co-dependent tendency to want to make him (and most people) happy makes this journey of his very hard for me. We were slow-dancing at his sister's wedding reception, just a day after the original comment so still very much in the hurt phase of this, and hubby very sweetly and romantically looked in my eyes and said that even if he wasn't completely sure what happiness looked like, he felt happy in that moment holding me close and dancing together. I got teary, still do just thinking about it. But I can't reproduce that moment every day. That is not what everyday life with a toddler and busy schedules looks like. How do I make him happy in the day to day? Or is that even my concern?

He says it is not. And that he just needs some time to figure this all out. And in our counseling times we have been talking about it and have begun to work it all out. But I still feel unsure of my proper response to this journey of his. Of ours. Because it does not just affect him. My happiness kind of rides on this too.

9+ years of lots of happy moments. Some not-so-happy ones too, but that is life. Put all of it together and you have the reality of living in a less-than perfect world with a less-than-perfect spouse. Thank you hubby for being on this journey with me and striving for whatever will make our family, our marriage stronger from here on. I am commited to living and loving this journey with you, no matter what.

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A Daily Dose of Appreciation (AKA Birthdays, who needs em?)

I turned 31 yesterday and birthdays tend to bring out my introspective side. I have always been one that likes to be celebrated on my birthday. In years past (aka pre-kids), I could never decide what restaurant to choose for my birthday dinner so we would have 2 or 3. Last year though, just one. This year, my parents took me out while we were in Florida and hubby is taking me out tomorrow. But my actual birthday came and went with very little fanfare. And I am ok with that. I didn't think I would be, but I am. I did go to The Gap and use some Christmas gift cards which was a fun treat. I did get beautiful roses delivered from hubby. But other than that, relatively low key. And it was fine.

Last year (my 30th) I had this grandiose idea of how my 30th birthday should be celebrated. I wanted a big fat gift or a big fat party or a big fat trip to somewhere, anywhere. I got none of that. In fact, I actually didn't even get a card from hubby. I got a birthday dinner to my traditional birthday restaurant of choice and probably some flowers. I was very hurt, mostly because I had been telling hubby for no less than a year before that I wanted to celebrate 30 in a big way. We have worked through this and I forgive him and we have moved on. But, I say all that as a contrast to how I feel this year. Man, I guess it is possible to mature. :) This year, I don't feel the need to celebrate in a grand way. I am content with my low key day and delayed dinner out.

I know that part of my birthday contentment stems from an overall increase in my feeling of being appreciated and valued. Hubby and I have been going to counseling since last July and it has seriously made a world of difference. Counseling sometimes has this stigma, like you must have serious problems if you have to take that step. But for me, for us, it was about getting healthy and learning how to stay there. We had gotten to a point last summer where we basically co-existed. More roommates than spouses. I know that lots of couples find themselves in a similar position post-baby, but I was miserable. I felt that I would rather not be married than for marriage to look and feel that way. So, although there was no huge marital crisis, we started going to counseling to help us learn how to re-connect on a deeper plane and give us some tools to better communicate and weather conflict. Through this process of counseling, I have started to find my voice and have begun to say the things I am feeling and needing instead of bottling them up. This has freed hubby to be able to respond to my true feelings and needs instead of my defensive anger and hurt. What a difference! We have learned some very deep truth about each other and how we see the world so differently. And also how we can better come along side each other and meet each other's true needs. I don't mean to say that we have this down now and we never fight. We just had a spat tonight where hubby wasn't using the carpet cleaner as I thought he should and he totally snapped at me. I, of course, responded sarcastically and with a rude comment. But, those episodes are getting less frequent and more recoverable. Hubby is working hard to meet my needs. And me, I am feeling more appreciated and valued because he is acknowledging my hard work and trying to be what I need him to be.

So, this year, I don't feel the need to over do it on my birthday. That is partly because of the age. 31. Officially in my 30's. Time to grow up, I guess. But also because I am getting more of the validating I need on all the other days. Learning how to communicate my true needs and my true self has not been easy, but the rewards seem to be starting to pay off.

There is one more reason this birthday feels less monumental. I have a bit of a heavy heart these days.... but that is for another day, another post.

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