My Mini-Me?

In the process of re-organizing my sewing table and craft stash, I found this picture of myself as a toddler. I already thought Caden looked like me, but seeing this picture makes it seem even more true. What do you think?





















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Weight of the Moment

I don't know if I will be able to fully communicate the absolute preciousness and humor of the story I am about the relay to you. The moment was one of the most priceless and one of the funniest of my motherhood journey so far. Mostly I just feel the need to document it somewhere and share with y'all how totally awesome my boys are. :)

We have this CD of songs from the Toy Story movies. The boys love it. Me... not so much. But I give in at certain times, especially when we have a long-ish drive somewhere or there is much fighting/whining/over-all crankiness happening in the back seat. Tonight I let them listen to it as we were driving to and from this launch party in Naperville for the ToyStory 3DVD. But when we were leaving Chick-fil-A after dinner and I reluctantly turned on the CD again, Lucas suggested we instead put on our CD of "Jesus songs" (their term for worship songs). Happy to listen to something else and something soothing, I quickly obliged. Half way through This Little Light of Mine, Lucas says "Mommy, who is Satan?" Not what I was anticipating for my 7pm drive home, but I ran with it anyway.
From that question sparked one of the most awesome conversations I have ever had with Lucas. We talked about angels and what it means to serve God as our King and why we sometimes sin and heaven and the second coming of Jesus... we ran the full spectrum. Some of L's comments/questions throughout this conversation were priceless:

"So, God is kinda like Batman and Satan is the Joker."
"I only know two things about heaven: My brother Micah lives there and the streets are covered in gold. Oh, and it is somewhere up in the clouds even though I have never seen it when I have been in lots of airplanes."
"Do we have to wait until we die to get to heaven or can we get there while we are still alive?"
"How will we know when Jesus is coming back? What if we are inside and we don't see Him coming down through the clouds? Do you think we might think the trumpet music is just the tornado siren?"
"When will Jesus come back to get us?"

I assured him that the trumpets announcing Jesus' return to earth would be the most beautiful music he had ever heard and that he would know the second he heard it that Jesus was coming to take him to heaven. (Only a mid-western child would be worried he would confuse the trumpets with an emergency tornado-warning! Ha!!)
For all my not-so-proud mommy moments, I am so thankful that God gives me moments like these. Moments when I can talk to my boys about the most important things, eternal things. Moments when I feel like I am investing in their souls and not just providing for their bodies. To talk with Lucas about heaven tonight and about that moment when Christ will come back to take us home was a moment I will never forget. And to see Caden sit quietly in his seat, hanging on very word.... well, I'll just say that the weight of the moment was not lost on me. I felt it sit on my shoulders. I chose my words carefully, knowing I was shaping their views on the most crucial of truths. And yet as sure as I was that God had ordained that moment, I prayed that He would put the right words on my tongue and protect their little hearts. I have to trust that the Holy Spirit will takes those little seeds of truth and bloom them into something great in those boys. I pray it will every cell of my being.

We got out of the car and headed into the house. Walking up the front steps, Caden says "Shhh, Mommy, do you hear Jesus coming?"
Lucas replies, "Caden, that isn't Jesus. That is just Hadley (our dog!). We don't know when Jesus will come back for us, Caden. It could be tomorrow or it could be a long, long time from now like 20years. But when He does come, won't that be cool?!"

In that moment, I couldn't decide if I should laugh or cry. Even writing this, I am doing both. Their language is funny. Their hearts are priceless. Both are so, so precious.
I hope I was somewhat able to convey the events of our car ride home is a way the accurately reflects the truth. It was very cute and yet eternally significant. As I was rubbing his legs at bedtime, I told Lucas how special our earlier conversation was to me. "Thank you, Mommy, for telling me all those things about heaven and Jesus. I read things about Him in books but you have a lot of things to tell me that I need to know. I like hearing what you have to tell me. If you don't tell me, I can't be very smart about it."

If that isn't motivation, I'm not sure what else would be.
Thank you, Lord, for tonight's moment. Help me to be a wise steward of such moments in the future and of their little souls that have temporarily been entrusted to me.




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Quiet Strength- Wordful Wednesday

This is not my grandmother. Both mine are with Jesus. I am actually not related to this lady at all. She is a very close friend of my husband's family and one of the coolest people I have ever known. She is 89 and still single but has had the richest of lives. She graduated from my alma mater (Wheaton College) in 1942. She started a nursing school in South Africa where she lived for years. She co-founded a nation-wide club for kids that encourages bible learning and teaching the next generation how to follow in Christ's footsteps. She is open-minded, inspiring, stays up to date on the happenings of the world, in amazing health. She speaks with the voice of experience and wisdom that makes me want to sit and listen. And that is just what I do. Anytime I am near her, I just want to sit. She has a quiet strength. She is not pushy or attention-seeking. She is confident in who God created her to be and the plan He has for her life. Even now, she weekly tutors immigrants in English and pours herself into the lives of others because that is what she knows God wants her to do at this moment.
Her strength very clearly comes from a source outside her. She doesn't pretend to know it all or be able to do it all. And yet, she knows so much and has touched so many lives. Including mine. I think she is just amazing.

I spend so much of my life trying to order things and figure out how to make my life fit or make sense. What should I do to give my life purpose, meaning, worth? How can I make my mark on the world and be seen as successful and important? It only takes 2minutes of talking with Louise to make all of that seem so temporary. She tells me my boys are beautiful, all 3. She tells me how great it is that God has given me the skills and knowledge to work as a nurse and help people in that way. She tells me I am strong to have lived through what I have and that my life is such a witness of God's grace and love.

Yes. Thank you, Louise. Thank you for your example of the quiet strength that God gives. Thank you for helping me see things in proper perspective. Thank you for giving your life in service to God and inspiring me to see my life as the same.
I don't get my worth from external things. My boys are the most important way I will leave my mark on this world. I get my worth from being a child of the King and no where else.

She is so strong and makes me feel strong.

For more Wordful Wednesday, visit Angie at Seven Clown Circus.


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Legacy

*This photo has been entered in 5 minutes for Mom's Mother's Day photo contest*

The events of my life in the most recent months and years have gotten me thinking a lot about legacy and what kind of legacy I will leave in this world. As we approach Mother's Day, it has been on my mind more than ever.

I took this picture myself about 10days ago at the site where I buried my first son. I wanted to capture all three of my boys in one picture. Because the more I think about it, the more I realize that all three are my legacy. The very different circumstances surrounding each one of their conception and birth and the ways in which I have had to be "Mother" to each of them - that is the legacy that I leave in this world.

I did not get to be a mother in the traditional sense to my first son and that has always left me with a big void in my heart. I sat at the cemetery last week, unsure of how best to remember my first son, with my 2yr. old playing under the trees nearby. He saw me crying and came to check on me. I could have left him with any of my friends to give me uninterrupted time to grieve and mourn. But as my son snuggled up next to me, I realized how glad I was that he was there. We had the most tender of moments - he asks why I am crying and I tell him it is because I miss his brother who is in heaven with Jesus. "I love brother Micah," he says and I start to cry even more. He rests his arm on my belly, on his baby brother, and the two of us look at the picture of Micah as I tell him about his big brother. There is a certain look on the face of a toddler, at least mine, when they are truly comprehending and soaking in what they are being told. Lucas had that look, as if he was "getting it" - beginning to understand that not only did he have a baby brother in mommy's belly but he has a brother in heaven that would have been super fun to play with. Giving Micah's life significance by sharing those memories with Lucas... that is one of the ways I am being a mother to both.

For the rest of the day, Lucas carried around with him that picture of his brother Micah. "I love brother Micah"... "I miss brother Micah too." "Me too," I would answer realizing that I was teaching my son about how to grieve. Not by sitting him down and having some intense conversation with him about his brother. But by holding his hand as we walk through all this together. During all the fearful days leading up to our ultrasound with this baby, I worried a lot about how I would help Lucas grieve the loss too if it came to that. And now I know... just like this. By letting him see me cry and telling him it is because of love and longing and that it is natural for him to feel the same.

This is what motherhood means to me. And this picture says it all. Taking the hands of the little people God has entrusted to us and teaching them how to walk through this life - both the easy and the hard. Of course, motherhood is about nurturing and protecting and all those other things too. But right now, to me, it is about holding Lucas' hand up to my belly so he can begin to meet his little brother and sitting with him as we look at pictures of his older brother so he can begin to know him too. My boys, all three of them - my legacy.

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