Rooting Out the Weeds

Hubby and I recently dived head first into Dave Ramsey's philosophies of budget and debt management. In one of his books, he says "If you are apathetic because everything seems 'just fine,' then you will be unwilling to make the huge changes needed to get huge results. ... The enemy of 'the best' is not 'the worst.' The enemy of 'the best' is 'just fine.' "

I both 100% agree with this and yet kinda disagree. When it comes to strict budgeting to eliminate debt and build wealth, he is totally right. But I am not sure this phrase applies universally. When I try to apply this philosophy to my marriage and my parenting and my relationships with my family, I start to see how it leads me down a dangerous road. Let me explain. (To be fair, Dave Ramsey is NOT applying this phrase to my marriage and mothering abilities... that is all me... and I am preaching only to myself here.)

I am an all-or-nothing kind of gal. I always read the preface of a book because either I am reading the whole book or I feel like I have cheated. I am not good at skimming or "maybe" or "we'll see how things go." I like a plan, I like things to fit in the boxes I have made for them. Things and people.
Before I was a wife or a mother, I had pretty sure ideas of what both marriage and parenthood would be like. (*wink*) My husband would always passionately pursue me, we would talk about everything and usually agree, and sex would never be dull or routine. Then would come motherhood. And I was sure that would be filled with joyous moments of watching my children grow into respectable little humans who adored me and only occasionally tested their boundaries. I am exaggerating a bit, but you get the idea.
Reality is usually different than the world I envision in my mind. Relationships too. We all know that marriage and motherhood are hard and that no one is perfect at either one. But how much mediocrity do we say is part of the reality of life and how much should we be striving for things to be "the best" or at least "better?"

It is easy for me to look at my husband and see things that I would like to change. Little behaviors or personality traits or sometimes even bigger things. It is very easy for me keep a running tally of those things in my mind and gather more and more ammunition each time.
I have this habit of taking my less-than-stellar motherhood moments and harping on them in my mind until I am convinced my boys will need therapy before they reach puberty. I have gone to great lengths to preserve my days at home with the boys and have visions of how those days should go. Yet when the boys fight and I lose my cool and we didn't get to the Advent craft I had planned, I feel disappointed and a little like I have failed them.

What I am getting at is this: My marriage could be better. My mothering could be better. My relationship with my mom and my sister could be better. But I am afraid I am paralyzing my ability to enjoy and appreciate those relationships for what they truly are by always looking at the ways they could be "better." I am not saying I don't need to work on things. I certainly do. In fact, I met with a good friend this morning for coffee who lovingly challenged me to look at my own sin of finding fault with others and how that can be so detrimental. Especially to my marriage. I am just saying that always focusing on how things "ought" to be and the ways in which my Hubby or my boys or my family need to change in order to better fit into the boxes that I have created for them might actually be hurting my ability to be content. I tell myself "if only ... blah, blah, blah." Fill in the blank. If only Hubby took more initiative. If only the boys were less wild. Whatever.
My habit of finding fault is a weed. I have to root out this weed. When such a thought pops into my head, I have to get rid of it immediately. Root it out. Don't even let it grow.
Because when you really get down to it, even though it could always be "better," my marriage is "just fine." My relationship with my boys is "just fine." My Hubby loves me and I would never doubt his loyalty. My boys are sweet and forgiving of my out-bursts and truly do adore me. We have some great times together.
This is one instance where saying things are "just fine" is not an indicator of apathy. It is an acknowledgment that we are a work in progress and might never reach "the best." But as long as we stop constantly finding fault but are still willing to see areas where we need to improve, it is better to be content and find joy in the 'just fine."



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Adjusting

Life is full of adjustments these days. Learning how to nurse a babe and read stories or play cars or do stickers at the same time.... how to fix a meal while soothing a newborn and entertaining a toddler and managing the pup... how to be a good mom/wife to all my boys and not lose my mind in the process.

Lucas is doing great, I think. He is more emotional these days than he used to be. He comes and kisses his brother's feet and makes up songs to help him "not feel sad." But, he also starts to cry and throw a tantrum when I try to pull him away from his cars to feed him breakfast or lunch. Part of it is just being 2 and part of it is adjusting to this life change. Mommy can't hold him as much or cater to him as much as before. He still "mommy, play with me" about 20times a day. And I do whenever I can. But we are both having to adjust to the reality that I can't drop everything to play trucks anymore like I used to. His adjustment is most noticeable in his naptime routine. He now asks to "fall asleep on my pants" (aka-lay his head on my lap) or for me to hold him as he falls asleep. "Mommy, snuggle me" he says. And I gladly do, when I can. Mommy is adjusting too.
Caden is amazing. You may not be able see it in the picture, but he is starting to get those "Brown-boy cheeks" that both his brothers had from day one. I love that he looks more like me but yet has those cheeks that make him undeniably his father's son. (Actually, I think you can see the 'cheek resemblance' between the boys in this picture). He is so strong. He has been lifting his head since the day he was born, literally. When laying on his tummy, he can push himself in a circle with his feet. He loves the sling, which I am so grateful for. I love the cuddle time and the easy, go-to soothing technique. He is the most easy-going of us all. :)

We are getting out, resuming life. Today was the first day of my ladies' bible study (9-11am) and Lucas' music class (11:15-12). We attended both this morning and took it all in stride. It was a little crazy but we did both and enjoyed both. It is certainly easier, in some ways, to manage everyone when we just stay home and not venture out. But that is not how I want life to be. I am a home-body by personality. Left to myself, I would probably stay home and keep to myself most of the time. But I also love the satisfaction of having gone out and had a great time. So while I may not want to leave the house, I am usually glad I did. That is the same about me whether I am alone or with one kid or two. It is just the process of getting out that has gotten harder. But we are adjusting.

Hubby and I are having to adjust in our marriage too. Our collaboration as parents and partners has been very smooth so far, much better than right after Lucas was born. Hubby has grown so much as a father in the last two years and it is awesome to watch. We have been in counseling for about a year now and we both can see how our communication patterns have completely changed. There is much more sharing of duties and thoughts and ... just about everything. And it makes all the difference in the world. Our biggest task now in adjusting to two kids, is to find time in our week to just be together. It is a challenge, but oh so important if we want our marriage to continue to grow.

Overall, I feel really good about how we have made the transition so far. I have my moments of insanity but there are less of them than I expected. So far, at least. Adding Caden to the picture has changed our whole family structure. No longer can we just fly by the seat of our pants. Even though I think we were/are very intentional in our parenting decisions with Lucas, having two kids to parent shakes everything up. No longer are we "a couple with a kid." We are a bonified family and it feels like a big shift. A good one though. It feels more natural, like I am finally settling into motherhood instead of making everything a big deal. I still get a little flustered when Caden is crying and Lucas is whining and I am trying to get something done and nothing seems to be going my way in that moment. I pray everyday that God would help me to fully and intentionally parent both boys and not just get by or coast through. But this is all part of learning how to manage my new reality...adjusting.

I feel like I am rambling so I will stop. I will just say that life feels more right now than it has in a long time. A bit sleep-deprived, but right.

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If it makes you happy...

... it can't be that bad, right. Or so the song goes.

I have mentioned before that hubby and I have been going to counseling for almost a year now. We reached a point last summer where we felt like little more than co-existing roommates and were having some troubles with conflict resolution. We decided that we would go and get some help before things got too bad. We realized that we needed some outside help learning some tools for resolving conflicts 'cuz we didn't seem to be making much ground on our own. The past year has been so amazing. We have learned to fight better and talk better and just overall communicate better. It hasn't always been fun. In fact, it has been (and still is) really hard. But it has made a huge difference in the way we interact with each other and the way we love each other, practically and romantically.

But this isn't meant to be a "good for us" post about working on our marriage.

Today is our 9 year wedding anniversary. That is 9 years of ups and downs and laughs and cries. I got the most beautiful peach roses (my all-time favorite!) today and hopefully we will be able to go out to dinner or something soon. It has been a good day. But recently (actually at his sister's rehearsal dinner), hubby dropped a bit of an emotional bomb on me. In a conversation with his brother (whose inhibitions were somewhat lowered by a couple beers), hubby was defending his views on birthday celebrations (which are somewhat unorthadox- but that is a whole other topic). In this conversation, hubby was accused of not wanting to be happy. His response stunned me. Without going into too much detail, this whole conversation launched us into an emotion-filled discussion of what it means to be truly happy and if that is a mark we should realistically strive for. But also, how much of our spouses' happiness are we responsible for?

Hubby was confused as to why his professed lack of overall happiness would leave me feeling insulted and somewhat unclear of where I stood with him. "My happiness is not your job," he said. But while it is not my job, it is my heart's desire and thus something I work towards. Or at least am ever mindful of.

I know it is not technically my job, at least I think I do. I cannot control his response to life or make him feel any certain way. But I do feel that it is part of my God-given responsibility as his wife (of 9 years!!) to create an environment in which happiness is the most likely response. If I am contemplating what to make for dinner and I am deciding between lasagna and beef stroganoff, I will probably choose the stroganoff because I know he really enjoys that meal. If it is an early morning wake-up call with Lucas and I know hubby has not slept well or is really tired, I will try at least to repress any feelings of sleep entitlement and get up so that he can get a few extra minutes. Why? Because I think that is what will make him happy. Now, I am far from good at this. I am not the saint I may be painting the picture of. I grumble to myself when feeding Lucas breakfast or other less-than-gracious things. And hubby does get up with Lucas and let me sleep sometimes too. But do you see the point? I WANT him to be happy and I will do whatever I can do to make that so. So to hear that he isn't sure if he is or not is kind of a blow to me.

To his defense, he is not claiming to be UNhappy. He is just in a place of figuring out what it is that makes life truly enjoyable for him and how he can make the most of life and feel ultimately fulfilled by it. It is easy to say that happiness is found in spending time with our spouse or our children or with God or whatever. But I think if all of us are truly honest we will admit that there is more to it than that. And I am proud of hubby for getting to a place where he is brave enough to admit that and embark on an introspective journey to discovering what happiness for him will truly look like.

But in the meantime, where does that leave me? My admittedly somewhat co-dependent tendency to want to make him (and most people) happy makes this journey of his very hard for me. We were slow-dancing at his sister's wedding reception, just a day after the original comment so still very much in the hurt phase of this, and hubby very sweetly and romantically looked in my eyes and said that even if he wasn't completely sure what happiness looked like, he felt happy in that moment holding me close and dancing together. I got teary, still do just thinking about it. But I can't reproduce that moment every day. That is not what everyday life with a toddler and busy schedules looks like. How do I make him happy in the day to day? Or is that even my concern?

He says it is not. And that he just needs some time to figure this all out. And in our counseling times we have been talking about it and have begun to work it all out. But I still feel unsure of my proper response to this journey of his. Of ours. Because it does not just affect him. My happiness kind of rides on this too.

9+ years of lots of happy moments. Some not-so-happy ones too, but that is life. Put all of it together and you have the reality of living in a less-than perfect world with a less-than-perfect spouse. Thank you hubby for being on this journey with me and striving for whatever will make our family, our marriage stronger from here on. I am commited to living and loving this journey with you, no matter what.

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