Done! or Done?

I have mentioned MANY times that I am fairly certain I am done having babies. Lots of factors went into making that decision and the older Caden gets the more sure I am becoming that I don't want to re-enter the "baby phase" of life.

But....

Last night I had a dream, one of those that felt so real that I had to convince myself it wasn't true when I woke up. I told Hubby about it and we both had a good laugh. But deep down it was more unsettling than amusing. The most unsettling thing.... I have had an almost identical dream before. Hmmmm....
I dreamt that I had a baby. A baby girl, to be exact. And I named her Molly in both dreams. The circumstances were different in each dream, but in both dreams I didn't know I was pregnant until very late in the pregnancy and Hubby didn't meet her until a few days after she was born. Upon learning I was having a baby in both dreams, I was in shock but not surprised (if that makes any sense). I somehow knew it was coming but was not ready for it at all.

I am not one to get crazy about dream interpretation. But there have been a few times in my life when I have put stock in a dream I had or someone else had about me. I don't know that any of those times have worked out as the dreams predicted but I don't know that I expect them to. But, I do think the God can and does use our dreams to speak to us. Either to give us glimpses of what's to come or give us peace about the present or maybe spur us on to something.

If I had only had this dream once, I might be more likely to brush it off. But twice.... Is God trying to tell me something? Am I done? I feel less certain of it today than I did yesterday and yet my reasons for being done still remain. I WOULD love to have a daughter. Yet I LOVE being the mother of boys and could be totally content if this was it. In my dreams, I knew once Molly was born that my family was finally complete. It felt right. That is the part I can't shake. I feel like I am done. But maybe God has one more baby for me.. maybe a girl named Molly?

I don't know. Maybe I am ready WAY too much into this. Maybe I had a little too much wine last night while Hubby was at the Sox game. Maybe this is my subconscious just working out my lingering doubts about having another baby. Or maybe, God is planting seeds in my heart, preparing me for another baby that may be in my future. I guess time will tell, but I sure would like to know how much time that will be.



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It's a Boy!

Introducing....

Caden Lauten Brown

9lbs. 5oz. 21 inches

August 11, 2008 at 1:23pm

All is going well. My platelets took a serious bump with the medication so they were able to use spinal anesthesia after all. More to pictures and story to come. I just wanted to introduce my newest little bundle... This pregnancy may have been unanticipated. But as he sleeps on my chest even now, I am changed yet whole and complete in ways I didn't even know I needed.

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Quiet

38weeks

Right now, I am sitting on my couch. That's all, just sitting. The dog is sleeping somewhere, the toddler is with some friends watching work crews clean up fallen trees after last night's mega-storm... There are no sounds, no demands.... a million things to do but that can all wait. Right now, I am being QUIET. And that is all. And it feels wonderful!! You should all try it sometime.


I am trying to soak in all the calm and let my mind decompress before the whirlwind really begins.


Baby countdown... 6days to go!

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Could this be it?

In the early part of last December, I sat with some close friends as we celebrated a precious little girl turning one. Being people whom I trust deeply, I asked them if it was weird (I think I actually said "counter-cultural") for me to not want any more children. Pregnancy for me is complicated, and choosing to do it again seemed a little like leaping in the dark and not knowing where I would land. OK, it felt a lot like that. Well, in God's perfect yet sometimes baffling timing, I peed on a stick about a week later and it was positive. Whether I wanted to take the leap or not, here I was... jumping.

So here I am, about 9 days away from delivery. All signs point to my feet landing from this unanticipated leap on solid ground. However, I admitted to a friend today (I hadn't let myself verbalize this before) that I have this feeling I can't shake that something is not going to go as predicted. Family and friends are naturally asking about the plan. When can we see you/him? When will you come home? Etc, etc... I give the answers that I think are true but always with this check in my gut that it may not turn out that way. Maybe it is a bit of self-protection, just in case. Maybe it is my heart's inability to feel secure and confident that things will be "normal" or straightforward. What if I do have to have general anesthesia or what if Baby has issues or what if I get the spinal and something goes wrong? I am honestly expecting things to go as planned. But, then comes the gut check.... What if....?

As if there are not enough things to think about when you are 9 days from giving birth, there is something else fairly significant on my mind. Hubby and I have been discussing for awhile (since the 1st OB appt. actually) whether or not we would have my tubes tied during this c-section. At first, I thought definitely yes. I mean, I didn't expect this pregnancy at all and if I could take a step to prevent this roller coaster again, why wouldn't I do that.

Could this be it?

This decision is a bit complex, to say the least. I am 90% (maybe more) sure that I do not want to have more kids. But yet, I am not sure I can give up my ability to do so. Not that it takes away from my womanhood or makes me any less maternal. It just feels so.... final. And I am not sure I am in an emotionally stable place to make such a final decision. But yet, I do not really want to be pregnant again. I don't want to live the drama of pre-ultrasound, low platelets pregnancy after we finish this round. So why not do it? It is practical, it would certainly give Hubby and I a peace of mind we wouldn't otherwise have. But....yet....

I sit here with my hand on my belly as my third son kicks and flips inside. And I am so very anxious to meet him and discover his personality and begin living life with him on the outside. I wonder what the moment will be like when I meet him and Hubby meets him and Lucas meets him. I wonder how I will feel when I hold him and my heart redefines what it is to burst with love. With my newest son in my arms, will I be glad the leap is done and feel certain I don't want to leap again? Or will I, in that moment, wish there was at least the possibility of expanding my world, my heart once again? Or is this even the time to make such a life-altering decision?

Are these next 9 days the last my body will ever experience with life being nurtured inside? I love being pregnant, I love my boys... but I am not sure I could ride this roller coaster again. This feels like a leap of a whole different kind. I am a bit tired of jumping right now, ready to keep my feet planted for awhile. But yet I still can't help but ask....Could this be it?

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P.S.~ By request, some real belly pictures coming soon...

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Updating

For those of you following along at home to the drama that is continually unfolding here on my blog in my life.... Lucas has slept past 6am for the past two mornings and not woken up at all during the night. We have been giving him some Tylenol to help with the molars, we flipped his bed so the sun won't shine in his face in the morning, it has been overcast the last two mornings, he has been falling asleep on his own for the last week or two (as opposed to us patting/singing until he falls asleep).... But no matter what the source of this new found sleep, I am grateful and hoping that this is the beginning of a new trend.

I decided to give our sub-par park district class another shot. We missed a week due to the babywearing conference but we heard that the teacher was much improved the second week. I, however, did not get the opportunity to see the improvements.

This week was a bit better, I guess. The teacher did read one story during "All the Stories We Will Read" (feel the sarcasm?), we played in the gym for 10min during the stories class and then never stepped foot in the gym again during the fitness class. Lucas did play with some dinos and train tracks which is SO different than what we do at home and worth spending money on a class for (more sarcasm). At different points during the 90min. waste-of-my-time-and-money class, I rescued a little Chinese girl (who, as you may recall, speaks NO English) from running around the room with scissors and then sat stunned when the "teacher" asked me if I had seen any children escape out the door. WHAT!!! How is it my job to make sure children don't escape?!?! And do you think I would just let a child escape and not say anything or chase them down?!?! I know a waddle a bit with this huge basketball under my tank-top but that doesn't mean I can't still beat out a 2yr old runaway! I am SO writing a letter and requesting compensation for this "class." Lucas now frequently repeats the phrase "we are SO done with gym class." I wonder where he has heard that before?

My platelets have taken a turn for the worse. Most normal people who don't attack their own platelets have somewhere around 200-300 thousand of the little clotting machines. My pregnant body apparently doesn't approve of clotting. When my number went below 100 thousand, we knew that the spinal vs. general anesthesia decision would be tricky. If the hit 50 thousand, the decision is no longer ours to make. General anesthesia it will be. Well, with 5 weeks to go I am sitting at 62,000 and have been dropping about 10,000/week. My OB wants to start me on steriods to try and slow the decline and maybe even give me a bump. And, we will probably move the delivery up a bit to try and stay ahead of the game. I am getting used to being totally out of control. Truthfully, the last week has been very frustrating. It just seems to not be playing out the way I imagined it. But, there is still time for things to work out and/or me to come to terms with the way things have to be. I would rather be awake to hear my son cry and I would rather the timing be perfect. But in the end, if my son is born safe and healthy and I am safe and healthy, I guess all other details will seem less crucial. I could still use your prayers for the whole situation though.

In other news....

We took Lucas on the "Little Buddies Tour" at the hospital today. He got to practice putting a little hat on a babydoll, giving the baby a bottle, and stand at the nursery window and see all the newborns. It was a reality check for all three of us, I think. Lucas loved seeing all the babies. And I stood there, watching my baby look at the babies, and couldn't help but feel emotional and a little awe-struck. One of those is entering my world soon. Wow. My little Lucas, my cuddly yet oh-so-rowdy little boy, is getting so big. And the one in my belly is going to come out soon and he will be so little. And we start all over. Wow.

On top of it all, we watched the movie "Juno" tonight. I think I need to say more about this whole train of emotions but I need to let them percolate a little first....

We also took Lucas to the zoo today. The day was perfect. Perfect weather, small crowds, animal after animal. All three of us had a blast. Some really good family time that we were all desperately in need of. It is amazing how a little quality time together smooths so many relationship-wrinkles. Lucas had fun, Hubby had fun, and Mommy had fun too. Perfect.

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Number 2

"So, are you ready for #2?" a well-meaning friend asked me at church yesterday morning. What a loaded question. Feeling caught off guard and not exactly sure of what to say, I simply said "Oh, I am really not sure." Which is true. Her immediate reply was that she didn't blame me for being apprehensive. "One was hard, two was REALLY hard, but my third was easy so maybe that gives you some hope." It is conversations like these that leave a mama like me feeling completely unsure of how to feel.

The first reason this type of conversation (and trust me, this is not the first or even the tenth time I have had to answer this exact question) is particularly tough for me, is that this is not my second baby. My second is a bossy little two year old who constantly asks questions and wants to know what animals like hippos and wallabies eat. How does he even know what a wallaby is? But I digress. This is my third baby. And I know that may not be on the forefront of anyone else's mind but it is constantly on mine. And I also know that the reasons people tell me their second was really hard are probably the same reasons that will make my third really hard but is still feels awkward to carry on a conversation under those assumptions when reality to me feels very different. I have many friends who are also pregnant right now, all due a couple months behind me. Friends whom I love and am so excited for. But friends who still say "how fun that our second babies will grow up together." True that we will have another set of kids that will be very close in age. But again, this is not my second. It is not their fault. I do not expect people to know what to say 'cuz I don't really know myself. But, it doesn't take away that moment of sting when for convenience sake I smile and say "yeah, it will be fun."

The second reason these conversations are awkward for me.... I am truthfully not all that scared. I was. And I still have some doubts about how I will be able to handle a toddler and a newborn, some apprehensions about what life is going to look like in just about 7+ weeks. But I am not scared. Being scared to me looks a WHOLE LOT different than this. I am actually feeling excited. I can't wait to hold this baby in the sling and cuddle him around while I talk about lawnmowers and carwashes with Lucas. I am excited to tackle nursing again and begin that adventure. I am ready to meet this little guy, to introduce him to his family and start living life with him part of it. But that never feels like the answer that people are looking for. So the people-pleaser in me doesn't let them down. Then after the conversation has moved on, I am left feeling like I betrayed myself and this baby a bit by pretending to not be ready for this step. Granted, I have yet to clean out the closet in the boys' room or get out any of our newborn clothes or tackle any number of projects I would like to get done before he arrives. But emotionally and mentally speaking, I am ready. I am ready for him to be born and to bring him home and start loving him and bonding with him from the outside.

This is not an issue of pregnancy discomfort, although comfortable sleep is getting more and more elusive these days. It is an issue of all things being relative. I spent the first 20 weeks of this pregnancy being scared out of my mind. Scared that I wouldn't get to keep him and scared of what I would do if I had to. So now, my thoughts of him joining us in a few weeks do not feel like fear. Nervousness? Yes, a bit. But also excitement. Looking ahead to the unexplainable joy that will be when I am able to look at his face and kiss his cheek and tell him how much I have been waiting for his arrival.

I am sure that this is how all mothers feel when they are preparing for baby's arrival. These emotions just feel a little more pronounced for me in comparison with all that has preceded them. I am not unique in being anxious, a little nervous, for my baby to be born.

But I am a little unique in how I got to this place.

I am a little sad that Lucas will have to accept my divided attention as his only real option for awhile. I am a little apprehensive about how me and my high-intensity toddler will manage that. And maybe that is what my friend meant today and I have just made this into something it isn't. But I just felt the need to speak what is truly in my soul, churned up by the short conversation this morning- I am excited and ready for baby #3 to be born!! I am not afraid, finally, of what lies ahead! I know it will challenge me and deprive me of sleep and take me to my mental limit and any number of other things.... but I sit here feeling like God has already taken me to the edge of despair, twice, so now my minor apprehensions feel more like being immeasurably blessed with one more boy to love and cherish and nurture. And maybe it took all that has happened to get me to this point. But I am grateful to be here and ready to face whatever is next.

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So Worth the Wait

I just got home from watching the much anticipated Sex and the City movie. It was fabulous, as expected!!! It felt like sitting on my couch, catching up with some old and very fun friends. Comfortable, entertaining, nostalgic... just really fun.

I worked at the hospital all day and then went straight to the theater and met up with a friend who is just as big a fan as I am. She even left her three kids (ages 4, 2, and 3months) with a 27yr. single guy and turned her phone off during the movie 'cuz she didn't want to be disturbed. :)

I drove home in a bit of a daze, feeling like I had just escaped from the reality of my life for a couple hours and it felt really good. I had stepped into this world of fashion shows and extravagant dinners and cosmopolitans. But when I got home, I abruptly stepped back into my own world of laundry and dirty dishes and trying to get ready for our little getaway to the beach that starts tomorrow.

There is a scene in the movie where someone is holding a newborn baby (I won't say any names so I don't spoil the movie for anyone) and watching it I felt this little jolt of reality. Someone very dear to me just lost her baby at around 8weeks. And as I sat in the theater and Baby Next was moving all around, I couldn't help but think of my neice or nephew that I will have to wait for heaven to meet. Then my thoughts went immediately to how in about 11 short weeks, I will be the one laying in a hospital bed holding my newborn infant and I lost my breath for a moment. I am not ready for that yet I am getting really excited. I love this little one, I am getting more and more attached to him everyday. But I can't say that I am at all prepared for life with a newborn again. It seems overwhelming yet precious and tender and maybe even fun. But whether I am ready or not, it is coming and sooner than I think.

Having these thoughts tonight in the context of watching the movie has felt a little intense. The show and the movie both are so much about relationships and how we relate to each other and deal with life in the context of the relationships that influence and shape us. It is about learning to be true to yourself and learning how to lean on others without losing you in the process. It felt profound to me tonight. I actually cried at the Sex and the City movie... partially because over the years I have gotten caught up in the lives of these fictional characters. But also becaotionuse the images of loyalty and love were so poignant. And so timely for me.

I can explain my thoughts more clearly and succinctly soon. Right now I am tired and still need to pack. There are just a lot of emotions (and hormones too - that doesn't help matters any) circling my brain right now and life feels a bit complex. Hubby and I are working through some things, some people I love are hurting, I am getting ready for this baby, and oh so much more.... How I got here from talking about the movie is a bit unclear, but....

...the movie was awesome. SO worth the wait!!!

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A quick peek

I had an non-routine visit to the OB this morning. After some bloodwork last week, my doc called me on Friday and wanted me to come in this morning for a quick ultrasound. My goofy pregnant body has a problem keeping my platelets (they call it gestational thrombocytopenia) and other red blood cell counts at normal levels. It has happened before and is happening again. But I had a drastic drop in my counts in the last few weeks so they wanted to look with ultrasound to make sure my placenta wasn't detaching or that there isn't any other source of bleeding or anything. There isn't. This is just how my body does pregancy as goofy as it may be. It doesn't really cause any issues unless the platelets get too low for them to low to do an epidural for my c-section. Then I would have to have general anesthesia, but we'll cross that bridge if we have to. Anyway... the point I set out to make is that I got to have a quick peek at my newest little man today. It was fun to see him wiggling in there and put a face to the little gymnast I feel. With my first son we got to have LOTS of ultrasounds. With Lucas pretty much the standard with an extra one late just to make sure all was o.k. I knew they wouldn't find any source of bleeding to explain my low numbers today. The OB says placenta and all looks great. Baby Next weighs close to 3lbs. now and is about 13-14 inches long. My belly has popped way out in recent weeks so I could kinda tell he had gone through a bit of a growth spurt.

It was really fun to see him and start to get better aquainted with the newest member of our family. We have decided on a name, which I will tell at some point. With knowing his name and feeling him move all the time and then seeing him again today, I am feeling like I am starting to really bond with him and am getting really excited about him joining us in about 12 short weeks.

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Legacy

*This photo has been entered in 5 minutes for Mom's Mother's Day photo contest*

The events of my life in the most recent months and years have gotten me thinking a lot about legacy and what kind of legacy I will leave in this world. As we approach Mother's Day, it has been on my mind more than ever.

I took this picture myself about 10days ago at the site where I buried my first son. I wanted to capture all three of my boys in one picture. Because the more I think about it, the more I realize that all three are my legacy. The very different circumstances surrounding each one of their conception and birth and the ways in which I have had to be "Mother" to each of them - that is the legacy that I leave in this world.

I did not get to be a mother in the traditional sense to my first son and that has always left me with a big void in my heart. I sat at the cemetery last week, unsure of how best to remember my first son, with my 2yr. old playing under the trees nearby. He saw me crying and came to check on me. I could have left him with any of my friends to give me uninterrupted time to grieve and mourn. But as my son snuggled up next to me, I realized how glad I was that he was there. We had the most tender of moments - he asks why I am crying and I tell him it is because I miss his brother who is in heaven with Jesus. "I love brother Micah," he says and I start to cry even more. He rests his arm on my belly, on his baby brother, and the two of us look at the picture of Micah as I tell him about his big brother. There is a certain look on the face of a toddler, at least mine, when they are truly comprehending and soaking in what they are being told. Lucas had that look, as if he was "getting it" - beginning to understand that not only did he have a baby brother in mommy's belly but he has a brother in heaven that would have been super fun to play with. Giving Micah's life significance by sharing those memories with Lucas... that is one of the ways I am being a mother to both.

For the rest of the day, Lucas carried around with him that picture of his brother Micah. "I love brother Micah"... "I miss brother Micah too." "Me too," I would answer realizing that I was teaching my son about how to grieve. Not by sitting him down and having some intense conversation with him about his brother. But by holding his hand as we walk through all this together. During all the fearful days leading up to our ultrasound with this baby, I worried a lot about how I would help Lucas grieve the loss too if it came to that. And now I know... just like this. By letting him see me cry and telling him it is because of love and longing and that it is natural for him to feel the same.

This is what motherhood means to me. And this picture says it all. Taking the hands of the little people God has entrusted to us and teaching them how to walk through this life - both the easy and the hard. Of course, motherhood is about nurturing and protecting and all those other things too. But right now, to me, it is about holding Lucas' hand up to my belly so he can begin to meet his little brother and sitting with him as we look at pictures of his older brother so he can begin to know him too. My boys, all three of them - my legacy.

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Baby Amnesia

I am over here today talking about a disease that is probably plagues many non-new mommies.... I am calling it baby amnesia. Did it happen to you?

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Celebrating my boys

Today is Micah's birthday. My first son would be four today. I don't really have words for my emotions today except that it has been a very bittersweet kind of day. To celebrate and mourn simultaneously is a tricky task. We chose for today to be more of a celebration of all three of our boys, but it leaves me tonight feeling that maybe that is not quite enough. There has to be a good mix of both for me to feel I have remembered him well. I think today has mostly been a good mix, but I have two days left in this process. And I have the feeling that the mix may shift a little more towards mourning as we move towards Tuesday, the anniversary of his death. But, for today, we celebrated. We had a wonderful park picnic with some of our greatest friends to give thanks to God for giving us three sweet boys. And although we haven't finalized a decision on a name for this third boy, I feel closer to him today having celebrated his brothers' lives and his healthy existence too. (Does anyone know a name that means "loves to kick his mother's bladder" because that would be the perfect name for this boy?!?!)
Mourning a loss is complex, especially mourning a child because it is more of a forward mourning of memories never made than of memories in the past. But celebrating my three boys makes the picture feel a little more complete, even though I will always feel the hole in my world where Micah should be. But, as I said, today we celebrated. And it felt sweet and true and real. The mourning is all those things too. I am truly blessed to be the mother of three amazing boys.

Some pics of our beautiful, sunny 70degree Chicago spring day...

Hubby helped Lucas climb his first tree. He loved it!!

All three of my boys in this picture (that's my belly to the left in case you are wondering what that big white blob is!)

Celebration cupcakes!! (B3- three Brown boys)

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Here comes the Sun

Today's weather in Chicagoland was like a breath of fresh air... warm, sunny and perfect for a nice spring walk. My family has more reasons than that, though, to stand in the sun and breathe deep. Next summer, hubby will have another boy to hold his other hand. Our ultrasound went well, baby looks healthy, and we are having a boy... our third!! I guess I am destined to be the mother of boys. There are much worse things. :) We are thrilled and relieved and ready to dive into choosing a name. Thanks to all of you who prayed for us and lifted us up. It is what sustained us and got us through one of the scarriest moments of my life. But God, again, showed us His mercy and goodness and has blessed us with another son.

Spring is coming....in so many ways.

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Baby Wait

Towards the end of my pregnancy with my first son, my best friend had a dream. You have to know this friend to know that what she dreams, we all take very seriously. This first pregnancy for me was fearful and anxious, wondering what would happen with my son when he was born. Would the surgeon be able to save him? Would he live a normal life? Would I get to keep him at all? In the midst of this, my friend had the following dream: She dreamt that she and I and our husbands and our children were walking, I think at the zoo. A little boy, presumably my son, was walking ahead with our husbands. She and I were following behind with two other little ones, one hers and one mine.

She told me this dream apprehensively, not wanting to give me false hope or assume it was any kind of message from God about the fate of my son. But, again, if you know this friend, her dreams make you stand up and listen. I did listen, and I did have hope. Through my own prayers, I felt that God was saying to me, "It will be a long journey, but it will all be ok." I had my own meaning I associated with that message. And that accompanied by this dream led me to believe that my son may have to struggle for life but I would bring him home so that one day he could walk up ahead of me with my husband at the zoo with our friends.

But that is not how the story ended. And I still struggle with her dream and what I felt I was hearing from God and how that all fits together. I struggle with all the millions of prayers that were lifted for my son, for his healing and his protection. I struggle with my desperate pleas to God to spare the life of my son. Yet that is not how the story ended.

A year later comes pregnancy #2. I was afraid but the fear never really stopped. I went straight from grieving the loss of son #1 to grieving ever being able to have my own children to fearful about pregnancy #2. So when the 20wk. ultrasound told us he looked healthy, I relaxed a little but never fully until the day he was born and I saw him breathe and heard him cry. That is when I exhaled, and cried. Lucas is here and he is healthy and I can put my fears down for awhile. Exhale.

Now I am pregnant with #3. Just when life seemed level again, we take a turn back towards the valley. I had put my fears away, started to be content with life as the mother of two sons. We had decided to put away those "pregnancy dice" and not roll them again. I was content to live life on the level ground for awhile, but then... well now I am 20weeks exactly and the truth of this baby's identity and fate is already true. I just don't know it yet. If I am having a boy with the same complications, that is already true. If I am having a healthy girl, that is true too. And all the possibilities in between. But while God can see that truth, and has been able to since the beginning of time, way before my friend's dream, I still wait. And the waiting is hard. Very hard.

Waiting. Isn't that what pregnancy is all about? Nine months of growing and nurturing this life inside so that at the end he or she can be born and begin their own journey. Nine months of cleaning out closets and arranging furniture so that your home will be ready for another person to share your space. Or 20weeks of waiting to know if this baby will come home with me at all or if I will have two little angels in heaven. Waiting. Waiting to bond, to love, to connect with this baby in an attempt to spare myself some of the heartache that may be up ahead. But would it really? Waiting until none of my pants will button to pull out maternity clothes because that would be admitting that I am actually on this journey and I am not sure I can handle that.

This particular waiting will soon be over. Our level 2 ultrasound is in two days. Then we will know more about what path we are on. But that doesn't make today any easier. This morning I sat in the freezing wind at the cemetary, hearing some very familiar words come out of my mouth. "Lord, please don't make me do this again. Or at least carry me through if You do." I prayed those same desperate pleas during both previous pregnancies with very different answers. The first time, He walked with me through the valley and the second time He walked me out of it. What this path holds, I don't know yet. More valley? A glimpse of the sun? I certainly hope so.

I don't profess to know what happens when we pray, if our prayers have any bearing on the outcome in God's larger plan. I don't know what my role is in prayer- if we petition to change God's mind or just know it better. I still struggle with those things. I guess all I do know, is that my doubts thus far have not stopped me from crying out my desperate pleas before God. Pleas for my waiting to not be in vain. Pleas for mercy and healing and a show of His goodness. He hears me, I know that. But will he change my path or just make me content to be on the one He has placed me on? For the answer to that, I wait. And though after Thursday I may know more, I will still have to wait until he or she is born and beyond to fully exhale again. And I will wait beyond that to someday see God's full plan for me and all of my children. Waiting.

Will my friend's dream end up being reality but just not how we first thought? Maybe it was meant to be a dream of hope just farther down the road than we envisioned. Will God's words to me be true but just longer in coming to be? It has been a long journey, and maybe it will all be ok. I just don't know what "ok" looks like yet. For that, I wait.

1 Corinthians 13:12-13 from The Message Bible:
12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

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Flutters of new life

This week we had our first truly warm spring-like day. This is Lucas early in the week, aching for some outdoor play time. We ventured into the cold and flurries just for a change of pace. (Notice the dusting of snow and the snowsuit...it was NOT warm enough to play outside. But we couldn't wait any longer!) And then, Friday we had temperatures in the 50's and the plants and the kids (and mommies too) couldn't wait to scream "SPRING is HERE!"

The promise of spring and warmer weather has not only brought signs of new life outdoors. Yes, the trees are budding and green is beginning to emerge from the gray. But this week also brought a different kind of "new-life fluttering" for me. I have started feeling the baby move. Just flutters, you know that feeling like your insides are moving around and your organs have all just had a chinese fire drill, but movement none-the-less. It is reassuring and scary all at the same time. Up to this point, even through the nausea and throwing up and the slowly expanded belly, I could attribute those sypmtoms to something other than pregnancy in my head. But feeling this new life start to make himself or herself known makes this seem unignorable.

Our ultrasound is in less than three weeks but I wish it were tomorrow. I have been waiting all winter for this... both spring and the answers about this pregnancy that I desperately need.

For now, the waiting time will hopefully be filled with more days like this one.... beautiful, warm and refreshing to the soul.

Muddy hands...a true sign of spring.

Enjoying the warm weather and time together outside. See the smiles... we SO missed the sun!

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Come back...PLEASE!!

As a big fan of HBO's series Sex and the City, I can almost always think of an episode that has some relevance to my current situation, however obscure and random the connection may be. There is an episode in season 3 where Samantha thinks she is "drying up" and begins to mourn the loss of her sexual youth. This episode came to my mind today as I lay in bed trying to.... nap (get your minds out of the gutter people.) I have lost my ability to nap!! Such tragedy!!

I have always loved to nap. In college, in nursing school, any sunday afternoon... I am a big fan of naps. Some of the greatest, most relaxing moments of my life have been spent laying on the beach with the sun warming my skin and my eyes closed as I drift off with the sound of the ocean in my ears. I can't confirm this, but I am pretty sure I was the only kindergartner who cherished that mid-day rest. But naps take on a whole new importance once you are a mom. They are vital to our mental and physical health. I still try to nap when Lucas naps. I depend on it. And now that I am pregnant, I really can't make it through the day with a high-maintenance 2yr. old and very active Beagle without my mid-day recharging. But, for several days in a row now, I have laid down when Lucas is asleep only to lay there for over an hour, not being able to shut down, and I feel more tired when I finally get up than when I started. What is wrong with me? Where did my nap go?!?!

It is not that I am not tired. I am exhausted. I can't shut my mind off. Or the phone rings just as I am drifting off and then it is over. Today, it was hubby snoring in the recliner, thoroughly enjoying his nap, that kept me from napping bliss of my own. I have tried turning off the phone and turning on the TV softly in the background to provide some background noise. Nothing seems to be working. My brain is in over-drive mode with all the current drama in my life and I can't turn it off long enough to let my body relax and get some rest. The best sleep I get during the entire day is from 9-11pm when I am over-spent from the day and I crash on the couch. But because I sleep then, when I get upstairs to bed I cannot go back to sleep and I spend half the night awake, thinking and planning and reliving the past and rehearsing the future. This makes my nap even more crucial and it is gone!!

Please nap...come back! I need you!!

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How do I get my nap back?

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P.S.~As a side note for any fellow SATC fans out there.... are you pumped for the movie coming this spring? :) May 30!!! Can't wait!!

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It's a Party!!

The ladies at 5minutes for Mom are hosting a bloggy party- a chance for you to get your blog noticed and maybe find some new blogs that you enjoy. So, welcome to all of you who found me through the party. Be sure to leave a comment so I can visit you too. :)

Here is a little bit about me-

I am southern girl transplanted to the midwest, a nurse part time and a mom full time. I blog here about my babywearing adventures with my two year old son who always keeps me on my toes. I started wearing my son when he was an infant and I just can't stop! It is so comforting and convenient to have him close but be able to do other things at the same time. I am also expecting my next baby in August so stay tuned for more about this pregnancy journey. My journey to motherhood thus far has been a bumpy road filled with questions and grief. And this pregnancy has its own challenges but we are grateful for God's provision and trust His plan.

Besides nursing and being a mom, my other hat is business woman, kind of. I have a very small business out of my home making and selling ring sling baby carriers and other baby-related items. It is a fun creative outlet for me and a way to make a little extra money so I can stay home with my son. My little business is nearly a year old and just starting to take off, a little. Visit my website, if you have an interest and a spare moment.

I also just became a contributor for the Chicago Moms Blog and am super excited to be joining such a great group of ladies over there.

As for a party game, leave a comment with a babywearing question or your best advice for being a multi-tasking mother of two kids..... I am going to need all the help I can get! :)

And don't forget to check all the fabulous mommy blogs at 5minutes for Mom and their Ultimate Blog Party '08. They also have over 100 amazing prizes that you can attempt to win so check it out.

Thanks y'all for visiting. Please let me know you were here and come back soon! :) Blessings!!

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Coping with the Unknown

Coping with illness, either yours or a loved one's, is hard enough when you know what you are facing. But when the hardship you are fighting won't show its face and be named, it is a whole other battle. So many women have stories like this, but here is bit of mine.

It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving 2003 when my husband and I went in for our 20wk. ultrasound with our first child. Our anticipation and excitement was burst like a balloon when we were told that there were significant issues with the baby including a diaphragmatic hernia and we should consider termination. This wasn't an option for us so we started to research other potential treatments on our own. Tragically, when our son was born at 41weeks, his problems were more severe than we had anticipated and no one was able to help him. We had him for three days and then he went to be with Jesus. But this was not the end of our battle. It was really only the beginning of the testing and endless consults to try and figure out what happened to my little boy. We got very mixed messages. "It was random." "It is genetic." "Get pregnant right away." "Never have children." What is a grieving mama supposed to do?

Due to the lack of consistent messages and the severity of my son's problems, we felt stuck. We wanted more kids but didn't know what risk we would be taking by getting pregnant again. I would describe it to people this way: If someone handed you a pair of dice and said you can roll these and you may win the jackpot but you may also die, would you roll them? Lucky for me, God took that decision out of my hands and I got pregnant again in July 2005. I lived in fear for the first 20wks., waiting for that ultrasound when we would know what our fate held. Joyfully, my now two year old son is healthy and rambunctious as the next kid. But fatefully, I now find myself pregnant again. Definitely not in my plan, but true non-the-less. And the fear is no less real now that I have one healthy child. Now 16weeks, I have a month to go until we can better know what path we are on this time.

Maybe my husband and I are carriers for a rare and fatal genetic illness that multiple rounds of genetic testing have not been able to find. And maybe it was one of those horrible random things that sometimes happen but can never be explained. No one knows, much less me. So I live my life coping with the unknown. And much like with other illnesses, known and unknown, the medical community sits baffled. I have a friend who is waiting to hear if the mysterious tingling and numbness in her toes is Lupus or anxiety or just toddler-induced-sleep-deprivation related. That is a wide array of explanations. You would think the experts would be able to narrow it down a bit for her. And maybe they will eventually. But for now she sits, coping with the symptoms and the anxiety of her unknown illness. And much like in this story, many of us find ourselves having to learn to cope on our own because the doctors and specialists have left us here. They can't help because they don't know what we are dealing with. The truly unfortunate thing about unknown illness is that even if the diagnosis and the treatment are a mystery, the symptoms are no less real and life-altering.

Coping with unknown illness brings anxiety and lots of uncertainty. Do your own research, don't be afraid to ask questions, don't necessarily accept all medical advice you are given, trust your own instincts.... but if all that leaves you right where you started, try not to get discouraged. The only way I have found to truly cope is to lean on my friends and family and trust that no matter the outcome they will be there to walk through it with me. And boy am I grateful for them this time around more than ever before.

This is a bit of my story. What is yours?

Original Chicago Moms Blog post.

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Think, think, think...

Recently Lucas has gotten into watching "Tigger and Pooh" on Disney channel. I have to admit this is because it comes on at 6:30am and it is Mommy's way of getting a few extra minutes of sleep. He affectionately calls the show "think, think, think" with his cute little finger on his cheek because that is what Pooh does.... he thinks. Life seems to be coming at me so fast these days that I long to be a little more like Pooh. I want to sit under a tree and think, think, think. Sitting on my couch with my laptop will have to do for now...
Do you ever feel like you have no non-asleep free time? Because I am pregnant and nauseous and chasing a toddler, when I have free time I sleep. But also because I am pregnant, I have so many "things" in my head that I need to sort through, to figure out. Thankfully, a blessed friend took Lucas to her house to play this morning so I could have a few hours to sleep clean think.

A few months ago a read a post by a woman who had found out some potential bad news re: her pregnancy. She speaks here about being terrified to know the truth but needing so desperately to know so that she can go on with the rest of her life with this baby as a part of it, no matter what. At the time, her thoughts resonated deeply with me, like watching an old home movie and reliving events from my past. But now, being pregnant again and facing the 50% possibility of losing another child, those same thoughts run through my head in real time in a never-ending loop of doubt and fear and sincere attempts at joy.

To be able to say "no matter what" ... kinda tough at times. How does one finish that phrase? No matter what, I will survive it. Or, I will have joy. I will be content. I will trust God's plan. No matter what, I will be able to be a good mom to Lucas. I will not go insane or lose my true self. I will enjoy this baby, this pregnancy. No matter what, I will be a mother of three.

Like my friend Heather, I have been pondering last week's sermon at our little house church about the first few verses of James. James writes:

"2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

"Consider it joy"... also kinda tough. To thank God for our trials does not come naturally for me. It is our trials, though, that begin to chip away at our outer self and reveal more of Jesus in us. It is like the analogy of a block of stone (used by the speaker at church). God looks at that block and sees His Son. But in order for the rest of the world to see what God sees, He must shape us and break away the excess. Is this current trial God chipping away at my excess? I must have a LOT of excess for God to use this familiar trial for further shaping.

"If any of you lacks wisdom...ask God." Wisdom. Is that what I lack? That among so many other things. Is it the lack of wisdom that contributes to this broken record of doubt and uncertainty in my head? If I could see how this ends, would I rest in that knowledge "no matter what?" Right now it is the not knowing and the fear of the "what if" that paralyzes me. But in 7weeks I will know more about the fate of this baby, this pregnancy. What then? Will I complete the "no matter what" phrase the same if the outcome is happy or tragic? That IS what it means to say "no matter what." But it is certainly easier to say I will be content if I am preparing a nursery and not another funeral. Wisdom. Not just knowledge of what path I am on. It is wisdom I need. Wisdom to know how to persevere in the face of this trial God is using to shape me. Wisdom to know how to respond. And wisdom to be a mom and a wife and a friend and a sister, etc... in the meantime. I am not the only one in the midst of an excess-shaving trial.
James tells us that if we lack wisdom, just ask and the Lord gives it freely. So here I am, asking. Lord, I need Your wisdom and Your comfort and Your strength. Help me Lord to have joy, no matter what.

I leave you with two songs we sang at this same house church this week. Songs that were difficult for me to sing but only because they so depict the raw emotion of my heart and use words that I need to say to God but often can't make cross my lips...

I will bless the Lord forever

I will trust him at all times

He has delivered me from all fear

He has set my feet upon a rock

And I will not be moved

And I'll say of the Lord

You are my shield,

My strength, my portion,

Deliverer

My Shelter, Strong Tower

My very present help in time of need

Hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy

I am empty but I know your Love does not run dry

So I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.

Broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide.

I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life.

So I wait for You....

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