So Far, So Good...

Thank you to all of you who have been such an amazing source of encouragement to me this past week. I was so nervous about leaving the boys, especially Caden. The first two days went well, just a bit of crying from me and Caden. Lucas has adjusted like a champ so far. Caden and I will get there. :)
I enjoy the job so far. I am finding, like so many other areas of my life, I have set the bar so high for myself that I make it almost impossible to reach. When in truth, no one expects me to be the best nurse on the team after only being there for 2days. I am trying to give myself room to learn the new skills and procedures without having to be perfect right away. Trying.

In all my deep soul searching and introspective thinking the past few weeks, I think I have decided that taking this job actually makes me a better mom. Not better than anyone else. Just a better version of myself....
Growing up, I was always good with kids. I loved babysitting, I was good at it, kids loved me. I started a journal of entries to my children when I was in highschool. It always seemed a fore-gone conclusion that having my own kids would be a natural fit. And while I think that is mostly true (I do love being a mom and making up crafts and taking the boys on adventures...), I think there are parts of motherhood that came as a surprise to me. I tend to lose my temper WAY more than I would like or even like to admit. I am not very good at impulse control sometimes. Fatigue and I are not a good match. I am not a very patient and calm mama when I am running on empty.
I am a complex girl. When I was working full-time before I had kids, all I wanted was to stop working and have my family. And I love being home with them but I also love being a nurse and fell like I worked too hard to get to this point in my career to give it up. I think that is why it was so hard for me to pass up this opportunity when it came my way.
So in some strange way, taking this job and leaving my boys more makes me feel like I am a little more in the driver's seat of my own well-being. I am providing a little more for my family financially, and that feels good. I am using my skills and nursing-aptitude and it feels really good. The leaving part is hard.... very hard. But they are in very capable, loving hands and even this part of it is good for us.
It is good for me to have time away, making me appreciate the time together so much more. It is good for them to realize that if I leave them, I will come back and they will be fine. And we will have fun and snuggle and have nursies and all the things that make time with mommy so great when I get home. I was worried that leaving them an extra day or two would communicate that they are not the center of my world, that going to work puts them in 2nd place. I don't want me leaving them the be the new "norm." But I don't think I need to worry about that. Hopefully not, anyway. My boys love me and I am not hesitant to tell them often how awesome I think they are. We are bonded very deeply to each other. And this feeling of empowerment (for lack of better word) I feel gives me a renewed strength and energy for the task of motherhood. At least so far.
Plus (and you may think this is a bit shallow), bringing in some extra money lowers the overall stress level in our home. I don't have to feel as guilty about getting take out on that really tough, busy day. We have a little more wiggle room in the budget and some available funds to do some of the little home improvements that we have been waiting for years to do. I really feel it helps my Hubby by taking some of the financial pressure off him. And, I might just buy myself a new Kate Spade bag or AnnTaylor outfit like I used to do in the pre-kiddo days. And that would be so fun! (Ok, that is a bit shallow but I'm just keepin' it real with y'all!)
So.. so far, so good. We are adjusting to the new routine and starting to see the benefits this may have for me and our family as a whole. Plus I think it is bonding the boys more to each other too, which warms my heart deeply.
I am so grateful for all of your prayers and encouragements. And I am thankful that God loves me enough to give me this opportunity and good friends to help me make it work (Amanda and Heather- that's you!!!). I am grateful that He knows what I need and what my boys need even when I can't see anything clearly. Thank you Lord for these moments of growth and healing and contentment- like rays of sunshine bursting through the clouds.



Need a Sling? Click here!
Subscribe to Me!! Click here for your regular dose of BabyLove Slings!

Read more...

Transitioning to Whatever is Next

It has been a big week around here.

Lucas started school. Yes, my baby is now in school. I haven't had to drop-and-go yet... that starts tomorrow. But Tuesday was the first actual session of preschool. The parents got to stay the first day, to help the transition for the moms the kids. We had a fun morning of checking out all the fun stuff preschool has to offer. Lucas didn't want to leave at the end so hopefully that bodes well for his first solo-day tomorrow.
I am truthfully not looking forward to leaving him. I am sure he will do fine. I, on the other hand, will be obsessively watching the clock 'til time to go pick him up. I will eventually adjust too, it just may take a couple drop-offs. :)
My most emotional moment on Tuesday came when we all went outside for some playtime. Lucas saw a pinwheel in the toy basket. He immediately went over and picked it up and stuck it in the ground. "This is what we do at the cemetery, Mommy. So this pinwheel is for my brother Micah." I had to turn away for a second so Lucas and all the other moms/kids wouldn't see me wipe the tears away. It was an emotional moment for me. Lucas growing up before my eyes, thinking about Micah and see how the remembering has become a part of Lucas' life just as it is a part of mine.

The other big event of this week- Caden is no longer co-sleeping and is mostly sleeping through the night. He has slept all the way through only once but even if he wakes up, Hubby or I go in and lay him back down (not ever picking him up) and pat him 'til he is calm. Then, we turn and walk out. He cries for a few minutes (last night it was 3min) and then falls back asleep. No night-nursies, no hours of dramatic crying- much more sleep for everyone! It is pretty amazing that the transition was this easy. It really only took one sleepless night for Hubby (and Caden and me too) over Labor Day weekend and we have all been sleeping better since. The boys are even sleeping in the same room now! I think I am still a bit in disbelief that this will continue. But so far, so good. I am getting more sleep than I have in years. Literally. Which can only be a good thing. I do miss my little night-time cuddler, but I still bring him in bed with me in the morning when he wakes up for some good cuddles and nursies. Even Lucas has been sleeping longer. We all generally get up around 6 or 6:30 now which is a vast improvement from the 5am (or earlier) wake-up call Lucas has been known to give me.

So... my one child is starting preschool and the other is sleeping in his own crib all night. Wow, life is sure changing. Next time I blink, both boys will be in school and then life will really start to look different. Right after Caden was born when life was really draining, I daily reminded myself that life wouldn't always look that way. Those days feel long, still do sometimes, but every phase transitions into something new with a new challenge. I am getting more sleep and the boys are growing more independent by the day. The challenges of having an infant are mostly behind me. The next challenge? Maybe starting the letting go. Maybe. :)



Need a Sling? Click here!
Subscribe to Me!! Click here for your regular deose of BabyLove Slings!

Read more...

Making all time Quality Time

I should be in bed, but I got a good nap today and I can't turn away from the endless documentaries on TLC about overweight people and mystery illnesses.
My mind is racing through lists of things that need to happen this week. Errands to run, blog posts to write, activities to plan.
But there is more than that going through my mind.

It has been awhile since I have shared with y'all about what is really going on with me. As with almost every mother I know, life right now is complicated. I have a lot on my plate and am trying to do everything well. That is a task in itself. But what is really going on with me?

I am trying to get my priorities straight. I feel like I have been saying that for a long time. But at this point, I feel like I am putting things in place and taking some necessary steps to really do it this time. In an attempt to not just survive but actually to thrive in this over-scheduled/over-committed life of mine, I am adding a few more things to the schedule. Yes, adding. I am adding in scheduled time for myself. Non-to-do list, non-children, non-housework time. And similar time for Hubby too. And on top of that, we are scheduling date nights (*GASP*). At least one a month but two this month because it is our 10th wedding anniversary next weekend (Hooray!!). And I am going to bed at more reasonable hours (usually!). I am healthier and more productive when I am rested and have had a little time to myself. Isn't that true for almost everyone? Is it true for you?

I am focusing on being present in the moment, whatever that moment is. It is so easy for me to get caught up in the list of things to-do that I am never fully doing any one thing at a time. When sewing my slings, I am thinking of the million other things that I need to do and not enjoying the sewing. When playing with my boys, I am thinking about blogging or checking e-mail or doing things for my business. So, I have started keeping master lists and charting out my days. This may seem incredibly tedious to you, but I had to find someway to order the whirlwind that is my brain sometimes. If I have a list of things I have to do, I can glance at it a couple times a day and see what I can check off and I can add to it as things come across my mind. That way, I can sit and play trucks with Lucas and not worry that I am going to miss something or screw something up.

I have also started asking myself a very important question: Why? Why am I a blogger? Why do I make and sell slings? What are the benefits and reasons for the things that I choose to spend my time on? Ultimately, most things come down to my boys and my own personal enjoyment. I started sewing slings because I truly love to sew (and love babywearing) and I need it to get back to that. I blog because I love the outlet that it is and the community that it provides. I need that to remain true and not get caught up in "having to blog." When tasks become too "tasky," I enjoy them less and the stress becomes too much. So, I am working at getting life back to a manageable place of enjoying the things I do and not feeling obligated. And if I say I am doing something (ie: business or blogging related things) because they contribute to my ability to stay home and be a mom to my boys but they are actually taking too much time away from that, then I am trying to reassess the structure and commitment level of those things. Does that make any sense?

Overall, I am trying to get a handle on life. Life that has felt like a storm for the past 5years. Life that started to feel under control before I got pregnant with Caden and it took another twist on this emotional roller coaster. Life that is once again getting back to that place of level ground. I am figuring out what I want to be included and how best to manage it all. I am making quality time my priority. Or better yet, I am making it my priority to make all time quality time. Whether it be alone or with my boys or checking things off the to-do list, I am trying to learn how to make the most of every moment. Don't let me fool you that I have this figured out yet. Quite the opposite. But I am trying and for the first time in a long time I feel like I am getting somewhere.

It becomes more and more clear to me everyday that I am a work in progress. That God is shaping me and teaching me and using my challenges to force me to drop the "I am so capable" act and rely on Him like He asks me too. So much easier said than done. But God is helping me live life not as a victim of my circumstances but as one who chooses joy.

Maybe this is all just the nap talking. Man, I need to go to bed!



Need a Sling? Click here!
Subscribe to Me!! Click here for your regular dose of BabyLove Slings!

Read more...

Emotions of Transition

Lucas "reading" to Caden this week. "He loves this book, Mommy!" Can't you tell? :)

.

This has been a challenging week to say the least. Both boys got colds and although neither progressed beyond snot and coughs, there was (and still is) a significant lack of sleep around here. Lucas has always had sleep issues. He fights it even though anyone can see he is on the verge of exhaustion. If you can ever get him to lay still, he falls asleep within seconds. He has gotten much better at bedtime, but naps continue to be a battle. They have been particularly bad this week due to sickness and just the overall complexities of learning to manage two kids.

We usually start nap time routine sometime between 1 and 1:30. After a few stories and the inevitable "one more," I kiss him and tell him I love him and that he needs to take a nap now. I usually throw in some enticing reason to nap, like something fun we can do after he wakes up. I leave the room and normally he goes to sleep within 15min. or so. But not this week. This week he cries and says things that cut to a mama's soul. He has said things like this to me before, since Caden has been born and almost always at nap time. But this week it has been every day and WAY more intense. He begs to be put in the sling. He hasn't asked for that in months until this week. He always asks me to hold him, but the sling is something new this week and it is my own doing. I wore him on my back several times when he was so sick and put him in the sling to help him fall asleep a couple times earlier in the week. Now, he wants it every time which just isn't practical. If Caden is crying, I cannot manage holding and soothing him with Lucas in the sling. But it isn't just Lucas wanting the comfort of being cozy with mama in the sling. He feels unloved, uncared for. That is why he is asking for sling-time. He says to me "I just need someone to come over... someone who loves me" or "I need someone to hold me." He cries for Daddy. "I want him to be here with our family," he said today. Does Lucas really think that I don't love him? Is there a part of his little heart that is feeling neglected and uncared for and that is coming out in these moments of tired emotion?

Today I physically held him against his will after he had cried hysterically for over an hour and asked about 20times to be put in the sling. I had tried EVERYTHING else- massage, singing, reading, patting, etc... The past two days I did let him fall asleep in the sling and, although it was precious time for me too, I just don't feel like that is a good precedent to set. So today, I sat in the rocking chair with a kicking and screaming toddler in my lap and a FINALLY sleeping infant on a blanket next to me. I was failing to compassionately mother either of them. This is just too emotionally hard. Now granted, we are ALL tired this week so it makes it even worse. But the issue still remains. How can I be the mother that both of them need when I am unable to be the mother that either need?

I held Lucas for a good 10 minutes and he eventually fell asleep once he lost the will (or energy) to fight. I then laid him in his bed, totally defeated, and picked up Caden (who woke up just as Lucas fell asleep) and nursed him back to sleep. Then I just sat on my bed, Caden on my chest, and had a good cry myself. I whispered words of apology to both boys... sorry that I let Caden cry and sorry that I wasn't able to focus on either one. Sorry that I let my frustration take over and bring words and actions that I regret. Sorry that despite my flawed attempts, both boys probably felt abandoned and like my second priority. I eventually closed my eyes, realizing that a nap would make all the difference in my mental health. Lucas woke up crying and coughing about 10minutes later. After all that, he slept for less than an hour. Swell. For those of you reading this saying he is obviously giving up his nap, you don't know my toddler. He is tired. Very tired. He woke up today at 5am and has always been an early riser. He needs this nap still, whether he thinks he does or not. And for those of you reading this judging my mothering decisions, I am doing the best I can to parent and love and nurture my boys in the best ways I know. I want there to be no question in my sons' hearts that I love them above all else. Lucas is my world. I adore him. I think he is possibly the world's greatest and smartest and cutest and most amazing child. And Caden has stolen my heart too. And that is why the depth of this sense of failure is so intense. The emotional aspect of parenting two kids is really starting to catch up with me. I anticipated that I would grieve being able to give Lucas my full attention. I knew it would be tough to balance the needs of two kids. But I never expected my 2 year old to say things in moments of intense emotion that make me feel like I have completely failed him.

It actually makes me feel like I am failing both. Giving one what they need means neglecting the other. Caden has very physical needs. I need to be engaging him, stimulating him, nurturing him so that he and I continue to bond the way a mother and child should and he hits all the right milestones. I can't just let him cry by himself. I won't do that. (Even though there are WAY more times with Caden the I do let him cry for a few minutes if I am in the middle of something. ) Lucas' needs are much more emotional. He does have physical needs but I am not having any trouble meeting those. I make him meals, I change his clothes and diaper, etc... But when he says things like he has said this week, it truly crushes me. It takes me down to zero. I have failed. If any part of him feels that I don't love him, I have failed as a mother in general and for sure as a pseudo-attachment parenting mama. If his little heart feels that my leaving him in his room to fall asleep for nap means that he "needs" someone to come over... "someone to love him," well that just breaks my heart into a million pieces. I don't know how to fix that.

It is hard to imagine that Caden will get bigger and a bit more self-sufficient and able to fall asleep better on his own. And that parenting two kids won't always be this way. But he will and it won't. I do still feel like we are adjusting fairly well. Lucas is very affectionate with Caden. He understands that mommy can't always play with him (although he says "mommy, please play with me" about 15times/day- he has always been a mama's boy) and that sometimes I have to take care of an immediate Caden-need before I can take care of something that he needs/wants. It is mostly this one area of the transition that I have not managed well.
I need a new solution, a new approach to nap time. I need to deal with my own emotions of so deeply loving two boys before I can ever expect Lucas to know how to manage his. I need to know how to distinguish between true emotion and toddler-manipulation. Both are probably in play here. I need to learn how to not hold a grudge with my 2 yr. old and be able to lovingly embrace him and show him compassion even after I have been so beaten down. I need to remind myself that we are only a month into this new journey and I need to give us all a little more time. But mostly, I need to find a way to patch whatever feels so broken in his little heart so that mine stops breaking.

Read more...

Adjusting

Life is full of adjustments these days. Learning how to nurse a babe and read stories or play cars or do stickers at the same time.... how to fix a meal while soothing a newborn and entertaining a toddler and managing the pup... how to be a good mom/wife to all my boys and not lose my mind in the process.

Lucas is doing great, I think. He is more emotional these days than he used to be. He comes and kisses his brother's feet and makes up songs to help him "not feel sad." But, he also starts to cry and throw a tantrum when I try to pull him away from his cars to feed him breakfast or lunch. Part of it is just being 2 and part of it is adjusting to this life change. Mommy can't hold him as much or cater to him as much as before. He still "mommy, play with me" about 20times a day. And I do whenever I can. But we are both having to adjust to the reality that I can't drop everything to play trucks anymore like I used to. His adjustment is most noticeable in his naptime routine. He now asks to "fall asleep on my pants" (aka-lay his head on my lap) or for me to hold him as he falls asleep. "Mommy, snuggle me" he says. And I gladly do, when I can. Mommy is adjusting too.
Caden is amazing. You may not be able see it in the picture, but he is starting to get those "Brown-boy cheeks" that both his brothers had from day one. I love that he looks more like me but yet has those cheeks that make him undeniably his father's son. (Actually, I think you can see the 'cheek resemblance' between the boys in this picture). He is so strong. He has been lifting his head since the day he was born, literally. When laying on his tummy, he can push himself in a circle with his feet. He loves the sling, which I am so grateful for. I love the cuddle time and the easy, go-to soothing technique. He is the most easy-going of us all. :)

We are getting out, resuming life. Today was the first day of my ladies' bible study (9-11am) and Lucas' music class (11:15-12). We attended both this morning and took it all in stride. It was a little crazy but we did both and enjoyed both. It is certainly easier, in some ways, to manage everyone when we just stay home and not venture out. But that is not how I want life to be. I am a home-body by personality. Left to myself, I would probably stay home and keep to myself most of the time. But I also love the satisfaction of having gone out and had a great time. So while I may not want to leave the house, I am usually glad I did. That is the same about me whether I am alone or with one kid or two. It is just the process of getting out that has gotten harder. But we are adjusting.

Hubby and I are having to adjust in our marriage too. Our collaboration as parents and partners has been very smooth so far, much better than right after Lucas was born. Hubby has grown so much as a father in the last two years and it is awesome to watch. We have been in counseling for about a year now and we both can see how our communication patterns have completely changed. There is much more sharing of duties and thoughts and ... just about everything. And it makes all the difference in the world. Our biggest task now in adjusting to two kids, is to find time in our week to just be together. It is a challenge, but oh so important if we want our marriage to continue to grow.

Overall, I feel really good about how we have made the transition so far. I have my moments of insanity but there are less of them than I expected. So far, at least. Adding Caden to the picture has changed our whole family structure. No longer can we just fly by the seat of our pants. Even though I think we were/are very intentional in our parenting decisions with Lucas, having two kids to parent shakes everything up. No longer are we "a couple with a kid." We are a bonified family and it feels like a big shift. A good one though. It feels more natural, like I am finally settling into motherhood instead of making everything a big deal. I still get a little flustered when Caden is crying and Lucas is whining and I am trying to get something done and nothing seems to be going my way in that moment. I pray everyday that God would help me to fully and intentionally parent both boys and not just get by or coast through. But this is all part of learning how to manage my new reality...adjusting.

I feel like I am rambling so I will stop. I will just say that life feels more right now than it has in a long time. A bit sleep-deprived, but right.

Read more...