This Girl

It is 10:22am and things are already out of whack. I am sitting on the futon in the basement with Caden sleeping in the carseat, Lucas playing on his train table, the pup quietly chewing his bone next to me, and the Merry Maids upstairs cleaning my bathrooms. What could be wrong with this picture, you ask? Sounds pretty serene. Well, the problem is it is Wednesday and I am supposed to be at bible study.

I thought I was doing well. I finished the bible study homework last night, I got up and got boys breakfast and got in the shower and actually fixed my hair (and put on an outfit that required a belt- a step up from my norm of yoga pants and tank top) and pre-cleaned the house for the Merry Maids (you know, dishes off the counter and clutter put away and all that so they can actually CLEAN). I nursed Caden, got the boys dressed, changed a last minute poopy diaper and got everyone in the car. I drove to church and realized I forgot the stroller so I had to carry a heavy, sleeping Caden in the carseat to keep him asleep. So I then lugged Lucas and the carseat and the diaper bag through the parking lot and into the church, down to the tunnel that leads to the childcare. At this point, Lucas is already saying he is sad for me to leave him and begging me to stay with him in his class. Oh, and did I fail to mention that I am 20min late already. I almost just drove right past. What is the point?, I thought. But I was just this weekend telling a friend that I am really trying to stick it out this time and not be a chronic bible study failure dropout. So I tried to press on. But standing there in the church walkwayI asked myself again... What am I doing? I am making a spectacle out of myself and my children. Why can I not get my act together?

At this point, to continue on would mean lugging the heavy carseat all the way back to L's class, coaxing him to stay in his class, then lugging the carseat back to my group meeting to walk in at least 25min late and sit there for 25min while trying to keep Caden asleep and maybe get something out of the bible study discussion. Then schlep myself up to the big group where Caden would probably wake up and want to nurse anyway. Then pack us all up to walk back and get Lucas and then walk back to the car. FORGET IT!!! I do not want to be "that girl" today. You know, that girl whom everyone is staring at saying to themselves how glad they are not to be me... whispering to their friends, "Man, that girl needs to get it together." Or maybe they are saying, "that poor girl... she is a HOT MESS!" Even if they aren't saying it, I am.

I feel like moms with more do it better. And I just can't seem to GET MY SHIT TOGETHER!! What is wrong with me? I probably could have made it there on time it I didn't shower or didn't pre-clean the house or didn't take the 20min to feed my baby. But I couldn't leave the house without any of those things happening. So I did them all and it just didn't work. I couldn't get it all done and still show up at bible study with every hair in place and ready to say something deeply spiritual that all the women would "amen" to. I guess I am just not "that girl." You know, the one who no matter how many children or commitments, she has always seems to look put-together and be on-time and show up with fresh baked cookies and a beautifully wrapped present for the girl in the group that just had a baby. I want to think I am that girl. But I am more often the former, the hot mess.

Walking back to the car, Lucas said "what happened at Bible Study today, mommy?" "Mommy just couldn't get her act together today. I'm sorry, Buddy. I just tried to do too much this morning." His reply was, "Mommy I love going to bible study with you and then turning around to go back to our car so we can just be together. That makes me happy." I had to smile.

It does kinda put it all in perspective though. What is the point? The point is... well, I guess it is to do what is best for my boys and myself. And sometimes that may be making it to bible study but today was not one of those days. I was forcing it because I did not want to admit I couldn't get it all done or to be seen as a Bible study dropout (again!!) to the women in my group. But those aren't good reasons. My sanity, a quiet moment with my boys in the car, sitting and watching Lucas play and the pup happily cuddled next to me, Lucas happy to just be with me,... those are the good reasons.

It doesn't change the feeling of being a bible study dropout. It feels icky, like failing, like I am not the women that I am trying to convince myself I am. But here comes that word again.... MARGIN! I need it. And when I don't build it in, somehow it seems to push in and I just have to stop pushing back. I don't like that my bible study seems to be the thing that needs to get cut. I guess I need to find a different way to build some spiritual formation into my week. But this 9:15 bible study just isn't it. At least not today. There's always next week.

I do feel good that in all the rushing I didn't lose my patience with Lucas (which tends to happen). Maybe (hopefully) my calmness amidst chaos is due to some recent refreshment and downtime. It also feels right that in this moment I can see that sitting here is what is best. I have a clean house, clean hair, and happy boys. Not too bad. I am content to be this girl for now. We'll work on the rest another day.

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It will Grow

I have at least a half-a-dozen things I need to blog about and catch y'all up on. But, I have been sick and both boys (all three, really) have been sick so this mama is T-I-R-E-D!
So to bed I go... hooray for margin!

But I did want to tell y'all about my less than perfect haircut today. I went in with this picture (on right), wanting something new and fresh. I was so done with wearing a ponytail everyday. Unfortunately, the stylist got a little scissor-happy and my hair is SUPER SHORT!! I have gone short before but never this short. It is right about my jawline. I am sure the cut she did is a good one, I was just not prepared for it to be this short. I am adjusting still and this one will take a little while. I will eventually take some pics and post them. But, I need to adjust a little first. We are going out of town this weekend to visit some good friends and I wanted to look chic. Now I look like a kid who got a hold of mommy's scissors and played hairdresser.
OK, maybe it isn't that bad. It does make my neck look long and my cheek-bones pop. I am such a super model! :) A super model with a VERY SHORT haircut. Oh well, it will grow.

And if you are reading this on Tuesday, please pray with me that Caden is taking a bottle from Grandma today. More on this battle later.... now I must take my pixie-hair and go to bed. :)


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Painting to be Perfect

Am I the only one who waits until the night before people are coming over to cross things off my to-do list? Here I am at 11pm, the night before 6moms and toddlers are coming over for a toddler valentine party, painting a spot on the wall and framing pictures and baking banana bread among other things. The spot on the wall has needed to be fixed for months. But I don't want to host my friends with a big white putty spot on my wall, so it must be fixed tonight. I have always been motivated by deadlines so it is not surprising that I am doing all these things tonight. It may be pride, but mostly just my desire for everything to be as perfect as possible when I am playing hostess. Here we go again with my epitaph "She had some great ideas but...." Nothing ever turns out exactly as perfect as I would like it to, like the picture in my head. But that doesn't stop me from trying.

I love to be the hostess, but I have very high expectations for myself. Perfect house, perfect decorations, perfect food, perfect party.... totally unattainable and dooming myself for disappointment. But I fall into this trap everytime.


I am really trying this time to keep my own expectations within manageble limits. I have delegated and am trying to keep things simple. Yet, here I am baking and painting at 11 pm.
This whole margin-thing is a process, I guess.

I am really excited for the party and think it will be super-fun. I'll let you know how the party goes. :)

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Lessons in Margin

Almost weekly in college, I was given the assignment in one class or another to write a one-page reflection paper about a book or article or experience, etc... One page. No more, no less. Probably in part because the professor didn't want to read 5million pages of random thoughts. But there was also value in learning to condense and edit your thoughts into one, concise page. I am sure I was not the only one who wrote my paper and then played with the font and page settings until I made it all fit on one page. Most of the time to do that, I had to reduce the page margins to the very minimum allowed, defeating one of the main objectives of the exercise. I find myself doing the same thing lately, although this time it is not the margins of my paper I am cutting. It is the margin of my life.

I have alluded before that I am currently reading some very clarifying books, trying desperately to get life back to a manageable place. Before the holidays, our counselor introduced us to the concept of personal margin- the space you give yourself, build into your life, so that you are not constantly living on the verge of overload or, even worse, complete breakdown. That was me. Is me. I do live life constantly on the edge of insanity, keeping my head above water but sometimes just barely. I try hard to cram so much "life" into my days that I am missing life. Does that make sense to anyone? Metaphorically, I am typing out my paper, putting in all the thoughts and paragraphs I think make it a better piece. But in the end, my one page paper turns into three. Instead of cutting out the things that don't need to be said or could be said a better way, I reduce the margins.

I cut, and cut, and cut... until there is no margin to spare. "I can add this one more thing, this one playdate, this one extra commitment or project or...." You get the idea. It is the whole "camel's back" scenario.

Well, enough. I am taking back my margin, one cut at a time.

It usually takes things coming to a crisis moment for me to remember why I have to vigilantly protect my space. One such moment came today. I have to beginnings of a sinus infection, no food in my pantry, a messy house, a toddler that has resumed his habit of getting up a 2:30am.... all while planning a toddler valentine party, potty-training, managing my baby that won't nap, trying to pick a preschool, re-teach Caden to take a bottle, planning some upcoming travel, going on a playdate with a good friend, coffee with another... AHHHHHHH! All good and real parts of life. But all together, too much. At least for me. There may be some women who can manage all these things with a hand tied behind their back and do it with grace and time to spare. But not me. I need more margin than that.

I stood in the kitchen this afternoon and cried. Overwhelmed, tired, feeling sick,... My sweet sympathetic little man says, "mommy, don't cry. Jesus loves you. I love you, mommy." That makes me feel a little better (how could it not!).

Then Hubby made dinner, let me nap for 30min, and then gave Lucas a bath and did bedtime while I schlepped my exhausted (and self) to a local coffee shop to meet a friend and get out of the house. It was another thing to do, but actually did wonders for my sanity. So did coming home and cleaning the house a bit while Caden (thankfully) continued to sleep.

My life margins are still smaller than they need to be. But I am getting there. I am learning what things need to be cut and how to best manage the rest. And I know that there will always be extra things that pop-up or cannot be avoided. But the good thing about building in margin, is that when they do, I will be ready. I will be better equipped to handle it because I will have room instead of constantly living at the intersection of overloaded and overwhelmed.

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