Accomplished

I finished a 10K race today. Without stopping. Under my time goal. And it feels good!!

I was so nervous about this one- it seemed like a big leap. I got myself so worked up, in fact, that when I crossed the START line, I was in tears and cried for the first 2-3min of the run. My emotions and adrenaline were all over the place. But I eventually settled in and felt good, even with the heat. It was sunny, in the low 80's with about 85% humidity so it felt pretty warm to me. Especially the last mile or so, I started feeling really tired. It is these types of moments where being stubborn is a positive trait. I told myself, I didn't come this far to quit and just kept going. One foot in front of the other, until I saw the water table at 5.5miles and then I picked up my speed a bit. The end was just around the corner. And then, there it was- the end- with my boys and some friends there to cheer me across.

Today, I feel less like a loser who does all things mediocre. After completing this race, I actually feel like I can do whatever I set my mind to. I set this goal for myself and now I can check this off. After seeing my official time, I started crying again. Relief and happiness. Just grateful for a moment when I see progress in myself, like I do have things going for me.
I texted a friend my official time (since she knew I was stressed about not making it under my time goal), and she told me I should write a letter to myself that I can read on those days when the feelings of pervasive mediocrity come creeping back in. So here it goes...

There are many things in life right now that feel unsure. It is easy to look at the tasks and situations that dominate my life and feel like I am wading through sludge, barely making ground and not ever getting anywhere. But take this feeling of accomplishment and ride it through. I am strong and determined. I can push through difficult things and reach the other side. I have trained myself to run this distance through sheer determination, even when joint pain and busy, tired days have made it even harder. I am proud of myself for what I accomplished today. I CAN do what I set my mind to, and show my boys that hard work DOES pay off eventually.

I know lots of people have accomplished much more and have done this race better than I could today. But the accomplishment of today, for me, still feels good. I am going to let this happiness sit for awhile. And hopefully it will find a nice place in my soul to set up camp for awhile.

I may not do many things well, but for today, I feel accomplished. And it feels good.



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Managing My Own Expectations...Again

The day started as a trip downtown on St.Patrick's Day to take a ride on the green ChicagoRiver. But, the color was pretty much faded (you could just see a faint green tint) and the water taxis were closed for maintenance today (figures!). So.... plan B.

We walked about 8 blocks from the river down to Millenium Park. I had Caden on my back (in my MeiTai) and Lucas was a trooper with the walking (we took several breaks to rest his little feet). Once we got there, we all had a blast!
They got a kick out of playing with their superheros in the city. Maybe you haven't heard, but Batman protects more than just Gotham City. I'm sure we can all rest a little easier knowing that.


We hung out and played at the Bean for awhile. And as normal, I had to manage my own expectations a little. My idea of them having fun in the city is different from theirs. Caden was more explorative of the Bean and I had to really watch that little run-away. But for Lucas, having fun by the Bean meant 10minutes of exploring it and then 20min of sitting reading his superhero book. Which bothered me at first, but once I let it go I actually enjoyed sitting by the Bean with the boys reading to them about X-men and the Avengers.

It was such a fun day. I love doing things that are out of the ordinary, taking the boys on adventures that show them something new and hopefully make a few memories. Once we got off the train back in Wheaton and got back in the car, I asked them what their favorite part of the day was. For Caden, it was the train rides (which was predictable). But Lucas' answer puzzled me. He said his favorite part was watching a movie on the train ride. :( It was hard for me to hide my disappointment with his answer and in fact I didn't really even try to. It takes a lot of energy and effort to execute days like today. But it is important to me to give them rich experiences and things that stretch them a bit. And I would, of course, love for them to fully embrace these experiences. I think in their own way they do. It just looks different than I would expect but that is more about me than about them. And I hope that I am laying a foundation for their lives- that they will always want to be adventurous and try new things and live life fully.
Lucas could see that his response upset me. And whether it was to please me or not, about 30min. later he said "Mom, I decided that my favorite part of the day was reading about Spiderman at the Bean." I just smiled and said, "Me too, Buddy." And in retrospect, it really was.
A fun day exploring the city with my boys. Even if it wasn't what I originally expected.


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2010... Don't Let the Door Hit Ya'

Or so the saying goes. Not so sorry to see this one go. This year I mean. 2010 has not been my favorite as far as years go.

Joint pain... Lupus... Twice disappointed by trying to rent a new home and it not working out...
New job that turned out to be a bust... Some struggles in different relationships...
Blah, blah, blah.

I am ready for a fresh start.

As this new year begins, I am not so much making resolutions as I am doing some shifting. Shifting from reactive to proactive. From "I wish the boys would sleep longer" to "Good Morning!" From joint pain to health and energy. From "Where does the time go?" to "I am happy with how I have spent my days."
I have made the decision to give myself a hard-and-fast bedtime on weeknights. I started doing this when my joint pain was at its worst and it really did help. I will be IN bed each night by 11pm. The flip side of that is... no matter what time my boys sleep until, I am going to get up each day at 6am. I fully realize that it may be earlier some days if Caden decides to be an early bird. But on the days they (thankfully) sleep a little later, I am going to get up and shower and maybe even have 5min to drink a cup of tea and read a verse or two to get my day going.

It is about shifting my focus. So much of 2010 was spent reacting to this new health challenge and the actions/words of people around me. Or reacting to those early mornings after later nights when I was already at a deficit. It is just so hard to be patient or proactive when your body and your "schedule" are working against you. Enough.

In 2011, I am going to be gluten-free and more rested. I am going to proactively take care of my body and my mind and my soul. I am going to change my work schedule (increasing my days) so that we can pay down our debt and live more free. I am going to be intentional about how I spend my time and my money and make hard decisions for both.
God has blessed me with a precious woman in my church to meet with and pray with and walk this journey together with. She challenges me when I need it and loves me when I need it. And hopefully I can do the same for her. Having this mentoring-type relationship is the first intentional thing I have done in years for my own personal/mental/spiritual health.

My bedtime is in 7minutes.

So 2010... I can't say I'm sad to see you go. Welcome 2011! The year I turn 34 (ahem... on Friday!) and regain the healthy, happy, vibrant me that I know is still there somewhere. She never really left, she just got muffled at times. Let this be the year I stand up for my own/my family's needs and not let fatigue or frustration or the sometimes unkind words of others dictate how my life should go. I am shifting my focus. Maybe a little more towards myself, but really just a lot more towards my Savior.

Happy New Year to y'all.




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Running (from) Dysfunction

Don't let the title fool you. I have more than one dysfunction. I am just focusing on one specific one at the moment....

I lean on myself WAY too much. That is the long-and-short of it.

Last night was one of the worst nights I have had in a long time. My feet hurt, my hands hurt... my whole body hurt so very bad. I have begun to taper down the prednisone and so far it going just so-so. Plus I worked two long days this week, more than normal, and have been trying to catch up from vacation and get ready for the last market of the season tomorrow. So it has been a busy week to say the least. I laid on the couch last night and then in my bed and just cried. Tears of pain and frustration. I just want this to be over, to be off the front burner.

I felt better when I got up today, but I had to be at work before 7am (my third work day this week) so the relief didn't last long. By 9:30 this morning, the pain was back in my hands and feet. I got home from work at 11:30 in time to send Hubby off to work. When he got home at 8:30, I was pretty spent. So I went and crashed on the couch, right? Nope. I went for a run. Enter my dysfunction.

I simply cannot accept the fact that I am not in control of my body's response to itself. I am in pain, I am worn out, I am frustrated and overwhelmed.... so what do I do? I try to plan those things away. I analyze and try to figure out a way that I can make it all better.

About 10minutes into my run, my hands started to throb. They have truthfully been hurting all day plus running always makes them swell a bit. I should have stopped then, but I pushed through. It was a beautiful night, after all, and I should take advantage of it (so went the thoughts in my head). By mile 3, I was actually feeling pretty good. I had kinda found my stride and, despite my hands, felt like I was plugging along pretty well. Then at mile 4.5, I hit a wall. My body was telling me to stop, but it was hard for me to give in. Then the song "You're All I Need" (Bethany Dillon) came on my iPod and I just crumbled. I sat in the grass and just cried.
"You fill me when I'm empty, You are all I need."

Can I really say that? Is He all I need? When I was in tears last night, were my thoughts about how I was going to get through this or how God was going to get me through this? Do I really believe that He will carry me through? He has before in other times when I couldn't walk alone. But yet this week, when my body is weak and I am tired and I have taken on too much, I chose to try to fix it or prove to myself that I can make it better by pushing ahead. Even the taking on of too much is my dysfunctional way of proving to myself that no Lupus or joint pain or [fill-in-the-blank] is gonna stop me from working three days and having a market and weaning off the prednisone and training for a 10K if that is what I want to do.

The next song on my iPod was "Never Alone" (Barlow Girl). Message received, loud and clear. He is with me and carrying me through. This won't last forever. It is ok if I don't run the full 5miles I had intended to run tonight or make extra slings for the market. I do not have to prove I am in control of my own body and life and schedule. I can let go a little now and then and see where God takes me.
Well, those are the things I should say to myself and to God. That is the proper response and the one I am trying to have. I am a work in process for sure.

The inspirational ending to this story would be that I stood up and finished running the last half mile. But nope. I walked my achy self home and crashed on the couch to lay out my dysfunction here for all to see. And hopefully for me to learn from.

I should add that the song I walked home to was "Lovestoned" (Justin Timberlake). Kinda an odd playlist, I admit. But I loves me some JT! But that's a dysfunction for another day....


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Off I go

I am headed out of town, flying south, on my way to some sunshine (I hope!). The boys and I leave tomorrow for Florida and I can't wait!
I need a break from my reality for a bit. I need to feel the sand in my toes and hear the crash of waves.
Life is a bit crazy right now. Things I thought were good and exciting are turning out to be challenging and confusing. I am trying to sort through my job situation and my living situation and some personal struggles with feeling a bit powerless to change certain things. On top of that, this is Holy Week and I tend to get contemplative about life past and present during this time. It is almost Micah's birthday and I get nervous seeing that come up on the calender.
Put all this together and I am looking forward to some beach therapy.

I am looking forward to sitting in the sand with my boys and watching them grin and dig their toes in. I want to eat my mother's cooking and snack on the cookies that my dad always has around. I want to sleep 'til 8 because my dad is playing with the boys and taking them on adventures on the golf course or in the trees. I need the salty, sandy breeze to make my skin feel sticky but my mind feel clear.

I need some quiet, some perspective... a break. So off I go, to the beach for Easter. Not much better than that.


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God is Sneaky

About a week ago, Lucas announced to Hubby and I that God lives in his heart! What a cool thing to hear your kid say! I don't think this means he said any specific prayer or had a "moment of decision." But I do think it is a sign that what we are teaching and talking about with him in addition to the solid faith-teaching he gets at preschool is really sinking in. Hubby and I talk to him all the time about how God is always with him and that God wants to live in our hearts so He can help us and tell us how much He loves us. But to hear him proclaim that God is living in his heart was still a very special moment. Hubby asked "What does that mean, Lucas? How does God get into our hearts?"
"It means God goes where I go. And He can talk to me." Yes, yes!
"And how did God get into your heart, Lucas?"
"He is pretty sneaky. God just sneaks in there." Hmmm.... maybe we need to work on that part a bit.

But maybe God is sneaky, sometimes. Not sneaky in the sense that He tries to trick us or deceive us in any way. But sneaky in that sometimes lessons come in the places we may least expect it.
It is no secret that this new job of mine has not been a smooth road so far. I worked so hard to arrange everything and labored so much over the decision to leave my boys an extra day a week. But in the end, I found a way and really felt God was leading me down this path. The first week or two was o.k. Even though Caden had a hard time being left and was extra-clingy when I was home, he seemed to calm down and I knew it was just the adjustment phase so I didn't stress too much about it. Well, it has now been 7weeks. Caden is doing much better. Lucas is a champ with all the coming and going and new routines. I am blessed by the people around me that are making this even possible. BUT.... But, the job is not what I had hoped. Well, the job itself is fine. I enjoy the challenge and the new specialty. But there are other factors (mainly one big one) that are making this very, very hard. It is just not what I had pictured in my mind when I decided to join this team.
But yet, I can see why God led me here. This is where His sneakiness comes in. I made the decision to join this team because I was honored that they would ask me and I felt it was an opportunity for professional growth I could not pass up. Also, Hubby and I are trying to eliminate some debt and move into a bigger house this summer so we were looking for a little extra income just as they asked me to join this team. Seemed perfect. And while it may still be a means of professional growth, I am seeing that that may not be the purpose God had in mind.

I am a bender by nature. I figure out what version of me people are apt to want and I bend to that. I assess what people are looking for, who they want me to be, and I try my best to conform in order to be liked and valued and accepted. We all do this to a certain degree, I think. I learned this skill as a military kid, trying to fit in each new place we would go. And it is not a totally bad thing since I think it is a survival and adaptation mechanism that seems natural to an extent. But at times, I take it too far and it leaves me feeling like I am not sure who the real me is since I am constantly bending and recreating myself. And then, I find myself in this new job environment that is so uncomfortable and even brutal. I can't for the life of me figure out how to be who my new boss wants me to be. She is so tough and demeaning and critical that I can't seem to be enough for her or do anything right. So the lesson in this, don't bend. Be me and that is all I can do. I stopped trying to be her friend or have interesting things to say. I stopped trying to impress her with my nursing knowledge and skill since she shot me down everytime anyway. Instead, I am letting her dictate to me what she wants me to do and I do that with my mouth shut no matter how hard that is. But beyond that, I am NOT letting her dictate to me who I should be no matter how hard that is either. And when I step back and think about all this, this lesson in not bending but staying true to myself, I am amazed at how sneaky God was to put me in this place. I don't think I would have signed on for this had I known what it would have actually looked like. I took the job because I felt flattered and like I was finally a little more in control of my own world. But as it turns out, God had something else in store. Something way more eternal and life-changing and perspective-shifting.

God is sneaky sometimes. Lucas may be on to something. But sneaky in a really, really good way. Sneaky in a "how can I best teach Farrah to trust who I have made her to be" way....
I am not 100% sure this job, this boss, is for me long-term. But I can see why I am here for now. So here for now I will stay until I feel God lead me otherwise.




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Snow Day

A snow day is usually a day where kids get a break from the normal routine and structure of a school day. They get to let loose and build snow-men and slide down hills and have snow-ball fights. Well, today I had my own little snow day. It didn't snow today or even last night. In fact the temps were even a bit warmer today than in previous days and the sun was shining brightly with not a cloud in the sky. But Caden hasn't been feeling well and now has an an ear infection with high fevers so I decided to stay home with him today and not go to work. Deep down, I think I needed a little reprieve from my new job which has been WAY more stressful and taxing than I anticipated. And today turned out to be just the little break from my routine that I needed.
I loved getting to take Lucas to school without the pressure to hurry to get to work. I got to linger a bit, help organize the school library a little and watch Lucas build a huge airplane hanger with blocks. Caden and I ran some errands including a craft-supply run for some crafts I want to do with the boys and for our church. I got back to L's preschool early enough to see them all playing outside in the snow. They had their snow shovels and saucers out and were having tons of fun in the snow. It was medicine to my heart to watch Lucas having fun with his preschool friends. Caden played with his ball in the snow nearby and I sat and watched with a ginormous smile. Later, as we walked back to the car, we took our sweet time and the long way around. And sweet time it was. The boys played in the snow and I joined in. We stayed nearly an hour just stomping in snow and making snow angels and throwing the ball between the three of us. It was spontaneous and light-hearted and joyous. It was a little gift from God to my some-what overwhelmed heart- an exercise in living life fully despite lack of sleep and the mental to-do list looming over head.
Thank you Lord for this snow day. It was truly a breath of fresh air and a marvelous time with my little boys. Sweet, snowy fun!







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Trying to Live and Not Just Survive

It is already the middle of February. Dear Lord! How did that happen? A dear friend e-mailed me recently asking about a post I wrote last year (which I am gonna re-post later this week) and that was the first I had honestly thought about Lent and what I was planning for my family for this season. The last four weeks have just passed me by and I am doing well to just keep my head above water most of the time. Actually, that is not entirely accurate.

We are busy and still adjusting to my new job. And we are just getting over some pretty nasty viruses which always complicates life. And this new job has challenges that I did not expect. But even so, this past weekend has been wonderful and just the refreshment my soul needed. Hubby and I had a great date on Friday night, we had a low key day on Saturday filled with craft time and reading time, we took the boys bowling and out to lunch today and had a blast. The fact that my job is pulling me away from the boys more makes me a bit more aware of how I spend my time with them. So in that way, I am actually being more intentional than before. But the rest of life is just flying by and I am left with my head spinning.

I am in need of time to reflect and order my thoughts and my world. And what better time than Lent, a time that should be set aside for just those things. There are crafts I want to do, things I need to work on to grow my businesses, books I want to read, blogs I want to write (and read). But mostly, I just want to feel like I am in control and living life purposefully and I know in order to get there I need to take some time to get my feet back underneath me. I feel confident that God means for us to live life and not just survive it. And I am fully aware that life is busy because I have built it that way and I could "un-build" it in a minute. But that is easier said than done. The things that make life busy are also the things that often make it meaningful. I actually have cut back on certain things and am in the process of subtracting more. I am learning what I can handle and the importance of getting sleep above all things (thus the extreme lack of posting here). It is a process, and sometimes a slow one.

I am also realizing that it is very important to me to look back on the day, the week, the year and not say "where did the time go?" I want to use my time wisely, intentionally. I want to enjoy my boys and not just manage them. I want to experience things as a family, to create memories and strengthen our bonds with each other so that nothing will ever be able to break them. I want to live life, not survive it. I want to be the best me, the best mom, sister, friend, daughter, nurse that I can be while staying true to myself and who God has created me to be. I want to learn how to be the real me at all times and not let frustrating moments or people bring out sides that aren't truly who I am. At this moment, I am still very much in the middle of figuring out what that looks like for me and for my family. I have come to terms with different parts of it which I can go into more details on later. And I am making decisions about our lives that reflect this priority to make life as meaningful as possible. I just need some time to get all these thoughts in order and think about how to put feet to some of these words and thoughts.

It is almost Lent- a time to be intentional and reflect. I plan to do just that. With myself and with my boys. And hopefully more often, here in this space too. Just surviving is hard sometimes and I know everyday can't be filled with photo-album worthy events. But I also am starting to learn that there are simple ways to make even the smallest moments more like living and less like surviving. If you have this figured out or are farther on this journey than I am, please share.


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So Far, So Good...

Thank you to all of you who have been such an amazing source of encouragement to me this past week. I was so nervous about leaving the boys, especially Caden. The first two days went well, just a bit of crying from me and Caden. Lucas has adjusted like a champ so far. Caden and I will get there. :)
I enjoy the job so far. I am finding, like so many other areas of my life, I have set the bar so high for myself that I make it almost impossible to reach. When in truth, no one expects me to be the best nurse on the team after only being there for 2days. I am trying to give myself room to learn the new skills and procedures without having to be perfect right away. Trying.

In all my deep soul searching and introspective thinking the past few weeks, I think I have decided that taking this job actually makes me a better mom. Not better than anyone else. Just a better version of myself....
Growing up, I was always good with kids. I loved babysitting, I was good at it, kids loved me. I started a journal of entries to my children when I was in highschool. It always seemed a fore-gone conclusion that having my own kids would be a natural fit. And while I think that is mostly true (I do love being a mom and making up crafts and taking the boys on adventures...), I think there are parts of motherhood that came as a surprise to me. I tend to lose my temper WAY more than I would like or even like to admit. I am not very good at impulse control sometimes. Fatigue and I are not a good match. I am not a very patient and calm mama when I am running on empty.
I am a complex girl. When I was working full-time before I had kids, all I wanted was to stop working and have my family. And I love being home with them but I also love being a nurse and fell like I worked too hard to get to this point in my career to give it up. I think that is why it was so hard for me to pass up this opportunity when it came my way.
So in some strange way, taking this job and leaving my boys more makes me feel like I am a little more in the driver's seat of my own well-being. I am providing a little more for my family financially, and that feels good. I am using my skills and nursing-aptitude and it feels really good. The leaving part is hard.... very hard. But they are in very capable, loving hands and even this part of it is good for us.
It is good for me to have time away, making me appreciate the time together so much more. It is good for them to realize that if I leave them, I will come back and they will be fine. And we will have fun and snuggle and have nursies and all the things that make time with mommy so great when I get home. I was worried that leaving them an extra day or two would communicate that they are not the center of my world, that going to work puts them in 2nd place. I don't want me leaving them the be the new "norm." But I don't think I need to worry about that. Hopefully not, anyway. My boys love me and I am not hesitant to tell them often how awesome I think they are. We are bonded very deeply to each other. And this feeling of empowerment (for lack of better word) I feel gives me a renewed strength and energy for the task of motherhood. At least so far.
Plus (and you may think this is a bit shallow), bringing in some extra money lowers the overall stress level in our home. I don't have to feel as guilty about getting take out on that really tough, busy day. We have a little more wiggle room in the budget and some available funds to do some of the little home improvements that we have been waiting for years to do. I really feel it helps my Hubby by taking some of the financial pressure off him. And, I might just buy myself a new Kate Spade bag or AnnTaylor outfit like I used to do in the pre-kiddo days. And that would be so fun! (Ok, that is a bit shallow but I'm just keepin' it real with y'all!)
So.. so far, so good. We are adjusting to the new routine and starting to see the benefits this may have for me and our family as a whole. Plus I think it is bonding the boys more to each other too, which warms my heart deeply.
I am so grateful for all of your prayers and encouragements. And I am thankful that God loves me enough to give me this opportunity and good friends to help me make it work (Amanda and Heather- that's you!!!). I am grateful that He knows what I need and what my boys need even when I can't see anything clearly. Thank you Lord for these moments of growth and healing and contentment- like rays of sunshine bursting through the clouds.



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Fragile

I am a perfectionist. This is no secret. And this little personality flaw trait sometimes hinders my ability to keep up on this blog. I want each post to be perfect and initiating the inertia to post something becomes harder and harder the longer I go without posting. I don't know where to start. Should I just jump in (do you care about all the little things?) or should I not post unless I have something truly profound or meaningful to say? Can I put up a review of our new favorite children's book if I haven't filled y'all in on the happenings of my life lately? All these silly bloggy questions.... Truthfully, none of it feels relevant tonight.

Today, I got a surprise visit from my good friend reality. The reality of the fragility of life seemed to smack me in the face today. A friend from work lost her husband to cancer. They have two small girls who are really missing their daddy tonight. I also got the news that a close family friend has advanced large cell lymphoma. Her doctors are treating her aggressively, trying to increase her chances of surviving it. She is older than me, younger than my parents, has three kids and grandbabies on the way. A bloggy friend lost her baby today. She went in for her 18wk. ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. Not cool. None of it.

On top of all this, I turn 33 tomorrow. Not that I am upset about that. I am really not that phased by it at all. I used to make a big deal out of my birthday. And I do still like to receive a little extra TLC on my one day and feel appreciated and celebrated. But that looks different now than it used to. But there is just something about birthdays that makes me step back and assess my life and priorities and all the such. One of my sweetest friends came over with her two kiddos this morning and we talked and watched the little ones play trains while the older ones played out in the snow. It was refreshing and fun and just what we both needed. And as usually happens with this dear friend, our conversation got me thinking even more about the things in my life that are meaningful and important.

I was accused recently of being selfish and only caring about what happens to me and my sons. And while I certainly have selfish moments or days or months, it is days like today where I realize that is mostly untrue. My heart hurts for these people in my life who are experiencing the harsh side of life's fragility. I have been there. I am there at times. I know that life is fragile. I have felt it slip away. I watch Caden play trains with his little friend and Lucas sled down our tiny hill, laughing and being a little boy. Certainly my heart is completely caught up in these boys. But the reality is that no matter how hard I try, I do not hold their lives. Only the angels surrounding them and God's love and perfect plan for them keep them safe and on the right path. And it is because of God's love for me that I have these boys at all. And a husband who loves me despite my selfishness. And friends who come over to let me vent and talk about my fears and failures and fragile places (that is a whole other blog post!!).

Even though my life is fairly stable at the moment, I know that my next moment could bring my familiar friend reality knocking again at my door. Life is fragile like that. I have known my own tragedy but I stand here today with my hubby and my boys and friends and family who love me. And I know that I am extravagantly blessed even during life's most fragile moments.


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Choosing the Moment

Today was heavy on the errands. For most of the day, my boys and I trucked around town trying to check things off my list of things to-do. So at the end of the day, once most of the errands were done, I took the boys to a park nearby for a little un-scripted playtime. The weather was peculiarly fall-ish- sunny, with a slight breeze and probably around 70degrees. Perfect. We climbed on the jungle-gym, went down the slide, had an impromptu game of pirates and dragons. Lucas loved to slide down the slide and then stand at the bottom to catch his brother to Caden's utter delight. It was like time was standing still. Perfect weather, time with my boys, laughs all around. No phone calls, no e-mail, no list... just playtime with my two favorite people in the whole world. Perfect.
So perfect, in fact, that I looked at the time and realized we had been there for over an hour. It was after 5pm and I had thawed chicken at home waiting to become some sort of culinary masterpiece (hear the sarcasm). A quick assessment of things brought me to a point of decision- leave the park now and rush home to throw dinner together and still probably not be eating until after 6. OR stay at the park, in this gorgeous sunshine, with my boys having a blast on the slide and in the sand and me feeling so very content and just pick up take out on the way home....
My decision? The chicken will wait. I chose the moment. This moment when I was enjoying my boys and watching them in their pure-little-boy glory.
I wished life could freeze in that moment- all three of us perfectly content. But since it can't, I am grateful for the memory and the satisfaction that I made the right choice. Next time, I won't even think twice.




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BlogHer...Lite!

I am going to BlogHer this week! Hooray! The biggest, baddest mommy-blogger conference around and it is in my backyard. :) How could I not attend?

Except that it is SO FAR outside my comfort zone that I am scared to tears. I don't know too many bloggers IRL (see how I dropped that blogging lingo on ya'.... I am trying to gear myself up!). I am very shy in environments like this when I am alone and feel like everyone else seems to know each other. I am an introvert that tries to be an extrovert because those people are "more cool and hip" but the whole time I will be wishing I was in my yoga pants on the couch or playing trains with my boys. But, I am always really glad I stepped outside my comfort zone after I actually do. I am usually pleasantly surprised with myself and how well I interact with others even though I feel like I want to crawl into a hole. I almost always have a great time even though I am nervous as heck at the beginning. And I have no reason to believe that this time will be any different.

I want to go and am excited to go! I am excited to meet some people that I have "known" for awhile and maybe meet some new people too. BlogHer is all about connecting and networking, right? I am excited to go to the break-out sessions and hopefully learn some things to grow my blog and my latest project. I am excited for the parties that I am attending and the potential free swag! :) But that doesn't take away the nervous butterflies.

Hubby and I sat down and planned out the next few days- who has which kids and where we will all be at different times and how we are all getting there. At this point in my life when I am taking a hard look at where I am putting my priorites, thinking about how much or how little I could do with BlogHer was not an easy decision. I easily got 6-7 invites to private parties during BlogHer. Parties sponsored by fancy companies where they will serve fancy drinks and appetizers to fancy bloggers and give out fancy free stuff. Sounds like a no-brainer. And there are plenty of bloggers who are going all out and attending as many parties as they can fit onto a spreadsheet (yes, really!).

But not me. Not this year.

So, yes, I am going to BlogHer this year. But I am really doing BlogHer Lite. I will attend most of the sessions and I will do the famous expo hall. I am attending a couple parties, most with Caden in tow. But, I will not be staying at the hotel or attending any parties on "the big night" or any after-parties. I will instead be coming home to sleep in my own bed with my baby beside me. I will eat dinner with my family while most conference attenders are sitting in swanky lounges sipping their cocktails. I am choosing it to be this way because I know it is what is best for my boys and thus best for me. I know they would be fine away from me. They would be fine with Grandma or Hubby or even a babysitter if it came to that. But I am not shooting for "fine."

It is all about the balance. I am "doing" BlogHer but also making my family a priority too. At least I am trying. I'll let you know how it really goes. And maybe I'll even have some swag to share so stay tuned!

Oh, and a special thanks to the people at Tyndale Kids... thanks for helping make it possible for me to step out of my comfort zone and practice keeping my priorities in line. Thanks for supporting my trip to BlogHer '09.


P.S~ If you are reading this and going to be at BlogHer, please let me know. I would love to have someone to hang out with. :)



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What if We...

As I Caden turns one and life moves into the next phase (aka- the I don't have a baby and should hopefully start to get more sleep phase), I've been thinking a lot lately about the shape of my life. What fills my days? What rules my thoughts and attitude? I am not always content with my answers to those questions. Am I the person/mother/wife/etc. that I want to be? Sometimes. Too often my lack of sleep or rushing to get somewhere or do something brings out this side of me that I am not proud of. I know I tend to let my priorities get out of whack. I put others' opinions of me WAY too high on my motivation list. I put the needs of my family on the backburner to things I think will bring me more approval or favor or... whatever else from other people. I know that I frequently go into self-protection mode, not having faith that anyone else will care about my needs.

This is not how I want my life to be.

In a meager first attempt to stop this cycle, to get on a better path, I have been asking myself what I am afraid of? What is driving me and my decisions? What things are really,truly important? What would happen if I took an emotional risk and....


What if I... took the time to listen to those I love? I mean really listen. What would I hear that I have so far been missing?
What if I... took more time to talk with Lucas and really listen to what he has to say? I do this a lot, I really do. But I talk at him a lot too. I raise my voice to get my point across or bring a swift end to whatever he's doing that I want him to stop. I squelch the back-talking and the "But Mommy!" But if I want him to grow up feeling heard and genuinely valued, I need to step back and close my mouth more.

What if I... stopped protecting my heart and started loving with abandon?
What if I... stopped worrying about making sure I was taken care of and recklessly threw myself into the care of the boys entrusted to me? I am often so afraid that my needs won't be met, that my opinions won't be heard, that my hurts won't be attended to. What if I just let it go?
What if I stopped depending on Hubby and others to make me feel wanted/needed? What if I stopped looking outward for my self-worth?
What if I... learned to find joy in the mundane?
What if I.. started accepting my Hubby and my sons for who/what they are and stopped try to make them something they are not?
What if I... did the same for myself?

What if I... could truly say that "God is enough?" How would that change how I live?

What if I... said yes more than I said no? Yes to my boys, I mean, not the million of things I say yes to that force me to say no to them and myself.

What if I...did nothing else for the rest of my life but pour myself into my family and friends? Would I feel successful? Would I feel important?
What if I...let go of this need to feel important and successful?

Life is a journey, a process. I just feel like mine may have gotten a little off path. But I am working on that. Or rather, I am asking God to do that and teach me how to be receptive to His answers to all my "What Ifs."



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Making all time Quality Time

I should be in bed, but I got a good nap today and I can't turn away from the endless documentaries on TLC about overweight people and mystery illnesses.
My mind is racing through lists of things that need to happen this week. Errands to run, blog posts to write, activities to plan.
But there is more than that going through my mind.

It has been awhile since I have shared with y'all about what is really going on with me. As with almost every mother I know, life right now is complicated. I have a lot on my plate and am trying to do everything well. That is a task in itself. But what is really going on with me?

I am trying to get my priorities straight. I feel like I have been saying that for a long time. But at this point, I feel like I am putting things in place and taking some necessary steps to really do it this time. In an attempt to not just survive but actually to thrive in this over-scheduled/over-committed life of mine, I am adding a few more things to the schedule. Yes, adding. I am adding in scheduled time for myself. Non-to-do list, non-children, non-housework time. And similar time for Hubby too. And on top of that, we are scheduling date nights (*GASP*). At least one a month but two this month because it is our 10th wedding anniversary next weekend (Hooray!!). And I am going to bed at more reasonable hours (usually!). I am healthier and more productive when I am rested and have had a little time to myself. Isn't that true for almost everyone? Is it true for you?

I am focusing on being present in the moment, whatever that moment is. It is so easy for me to get caught up in the list of things to-do that I am never fully doing any one thing at a time. When sewing my slings, I am thinking of the million other things that I need to do and not enjoying the sewing. When playing with my boys, I am thinking about blogging or checking e-mail or doing things for my business. So, I have started keeping master lists and charting out my days. This may seem incredibly tedious to you, but I had to find someway to order the whirlwind that is my brain sometimes. If I have a list of things I have to do, I can glance at it a couple times a day and see what I can check off and I can add to it as things come across my mind. That way, I can sit and play trucks with Lucas and not worry that I am going to miss something or screw something up.

I have also started asking myself a very important question: Why? Why am I a blogger? Why do I make and sell slings? What are the benefits and reasons for the things that I choose to spend my time on? Ultimately, most things come down to my boys and my own personal enjoyment. I started sewing slings because I truly love to sew (and love babywearing) and I need it to get back to that. I blog because I love the outlet that it is and the community that it provides. I need that to remain true and not get caught up in "having to blog." When tasks become too "tasky," I enjoy them less and the stress becomes too much. So, I am working at getting life back to a manageable place of enjoying the things I do and not feeling obligated. And if I say I am doing something (ie: business or blogging related things) because they contribute to my ability to stay home and be a mom to my boys but they are actually taking too much time away from that, then I am trying to reassess the structure and commitment level of those things. Does that make any sense?

Overall, I am trying to get a handle on life. Life that has felt like a storm for the past 5years. Life that started to feel under control before I got pregnant with Caden and it took another twist on this emotional roller coaster. Life that is once again getting back to that place of level ground. I am figuring out what I want to be included and how best to manage it all. I am making quality time my priority. Or better yet, I am making it my priority to make all time quality time. Whether it be alone or with my boys or checking things off the to-do list, I am trying to learn how to make the most of every moment. Don't let me fool you that I have this figured out yet. Quite the opposite. But I am trying and for the first time in a long time I feel like I am getting somewhere.

It becomes more and more clear to me everyday that I am a work in progress. That God is shaping me and teaching me and using my challenges to force me to drop the "I am so capable" act and rely on Him like He asks me too. So much easier said than done. But God is helping me live life not as a victim of my circumstances but as one who chooses joy.

Maybe this is all just the nap talking. Man, I need to go to bed!



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Psalm Sunday- What is Love?

Disclaimer: I have never claimed this blog to be a place of blind sappiness where I simply blab away about the cuteness of my boys or how great life is. I mean, my boys are certainly ultra-cute and I feel SO blessed to be their mother. But to drip on and on about how swell motherhood is would not be an accurate picture of my reality. So if you are looking for a blog that is happy-shiny-life is all roses and puppies, you might want to move on. That is not my blog, and not this post in particular.

I have been thinking a lot lately about love and what it means to give love to others and receive it for myself. I love my boys, I love my Hubby, I love my family. But the expression of those loves are all very different. And what do I need from people on order to feel loved and appreciated too. I don't have all that figured out, but what I do know is that at this point in my life my "love-needs" are changing and growing.
My need for Hubby's love is not the same now as 10 years ago. When we first started dating, the feelings of love were tingly and exciting. You know what I am talking about. I felt pursued, desired, ... loved. Now, three boys and 10years later, love feels and looks a lot different. I struggle at times to still feel loved. But, what is love really? Is it the spark, the sizzle? Is it Hubby going to work everyday to provide security for me and my boys? Doesn't it need to be a good mix of practical and romantic expressions of love? Again, I am still very much in the midst of trying to figure that all out while keeping proper perspective. But through this process, I feel like God is trying to teach me something bigger about love.
Ultimately, Love is sacrifice. It is putting the needs and desires of another ahead of your own. This past week of being in Florida with my family was somewhat of a sacrifice for me (although I was at the beach so there were definite perks too), but I did it out of love for my boys and for my family. Love is dropping the plans of my day to go to the aid of someone who has needs greater than mine.
I am learning too that I depend too much on Hubby and others to make me feel loved. God loves me. He is my All. Or at least He should be. His Love is always perfect, always exactly what I need at all times. And when I feel like Hubby's love or my family's love or my friends' love for me falls short, God's love will never fail. He is steadfast and faithful and unfailing.

I love the verse in Psalm 36 (vs. 9) that says "in Your light we see light."
In my current funk, I SO need His light to keep my on the right track.

<sup>Oh Lord, be my light and my source of true love. And teach me how to love others truly too.

Psalm 36

1</sup> An oracle is within my heart concerning the sinfulness of the wicked:
There is no fear of God before his eyes.
² For in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin.
³ The words of his mouth are wicked and deceitful;
he has ceased to be wise and to do good.
⁴ Even on his bed he plots evil; he commits himself to a sinful course
and does not reject what is wrong.
⁵ Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.
⁶ Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the great deep.
O LORD, you preserve both man and beast.
⁷ How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings.
⁸ They feast on the abundance of your house;
you give them drink from your river of delights.
⁹ For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light.
¹⁰ Continue your love to those who know you, your righteousness to the upright in heart.
¹¹ May the foot of the proud not come against me,
nor the hand of the wicked drive me away.
¹² See how the evildoers lie fallen— thrown down, not able to rise!


Hungry (Kathryn Scott )

Hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry
And so I wait for You
So I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is,living for.

Broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life
So I'll wait for You
So I'll wait for You

Hungry I come to you, for I know You satisfy




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Waiting for the Bloom

When I first visited the tree, I did not see what I had expected to see. Although, I am not exactly sure what I did expect, I was still caught a little by surprise. It was smaller than I thought. There are no leaves. It is small and bare.
"It will grow," Hubby said. "The leaves will come."
I know that. But I was really hoping for some leaves now. I am ready for spring. I need signs of spring.
We stood around the tree, remembering and longing, with many of our close friends and family. It was rainy and chilly and the skys were gray. "What a beautiful tree," they all said. And I agreed. It is beautiful. It is just not what I expected.

Kinda like my tree-Micah's tree- life is what it is. (that is profound, eh?) I am not sure what I expected life to be like but this is not exactly it. But it is still beautiful. Hard, exhausting, and full of ups and downs. But beautiful none-the-less. I have a place to sleep and food to eat and a husband who loves me and three amazing boys and friends who support me and a God who holds me and lifts my head. Beautiful.
It is all about my perspective. When I get two hours of sleep and Lucas won't stop whining and Caden is not content to leave my side and marriage feels so complicated, life feels so small and bare. Where are the leaves, the signs of spring? When I wake up in the morning and I have two beautiful boys snuggled close at my side and the sun is shining through the window and I don't feel tired, life feels in full bloom. But even in the moments when I am overwhelmed by the richness of the life God has given me, I still feel a bit small and bare. I get too easily bogged down by the hard things. I can't keep my focus on Him and the eternal. My priorities are often out of wack. I let the fatigue and busyness keep me from appreciating. I see myself as that small, bare tree. Waiting, hoping for some leaves to bud soon. Watching for the bloom of spring in me.

My last five years have been crazy- full of life changes and adjustments. Moving, babies, new jobs, mourning, rejoicing, counseling, fear, joy... But that does not make me unique. I am not the only one who has had her life turned upside down and had to pick things up and figure out how to move on. I am just not sure I have done it well. Which brings me to here. This place of gratitude but discontentment. Motherhood is hard, marriage is hard and yet both those things are what make life so rich. Thankfully, God does not see my bare branches. He sees me in full bloom. I am exactly what He expected. No more, no less. He knew I would have these challenges and these joys and is holding my hand and leading me through. Have these five years been God pruning me, cutting away what I thought were my leaves only to leave me more bare and small? Has He been preparing me for my true Spring?

Life is what it is. Sometimes sad and disappointing. But also full to the brim. Sometimes this tree seems small and bare. But it will grow. The leaves will come. Spring will come.




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