Doctors Don't Know Everything

Get ready for a bit of a rant.. although I just had a talk with Lucas tonight about not letting one little thing that is wrong color your whole day. So, maybe I should instead heed my own advice instead. Oh, well... I'll do that next time.

If there is anyone out there reading this, and you know me even just a little, you probably know that I love the beach. L.O.V.E. Love. I love the sunshine, I love the heat, I love the sand, I love the sweat, the waves... All of it. I go every chance I get. I stay as long as I can. At least, I used to.
When Hubby and I got back from Costa Rica at the beginning of April, I started noticing a gradual increase in my joint pain/Lupus issues. Long (boring) story short... I am in the midst now of a "flare" up of average intensity (my Rheum's words, not mine). Back on Prednisone, dealing with all kinds of weird symptoms again. Sucks. The worst part is actually that it all started from the heat and sun I got in CR. Then it got significantly worse when I ran the 10K about a month ago. Double sucks.

My Rheum "recommends" that I avoid outdoor running or extended periods in the sun for the next few months at least, until this whole thing calms down. And if I want to keep this thing under wraps once it does calm back down, I probably should avoid prolonged sun/heat exposure in the future. My Rheum obviously does not read this blog or know me very well.

If I am being completely honest, I feel a bit stuck. Would it ever really be possible for me to avoid the sun/beach for the rest of my life? I have two boys who will want to be outside and who I want to grow up loving being on the beach as much as their mama does. And beyond that, I LOVE IT! Why would I do that to myself? It just isn't rational or feasible. Now, I am certainly willing to be a little creative for these years that Lupus is at it's peak. But it is admittedly hard to convince myself that I will one day be without these nagging discomforts and be able to once again bake myself in the sun without consequence.

I know, quit my whining. In a sec...

My doctor may know a lot. But she doesn't know everything. She may be convinced that my life would be better if I did not spend too much time out it the sun. But I am not so convinced. SO much of my life's joy comes from moments in the sun: on the beach, at the park with my boys, exploring something, splashing somewhere. Living.
But yet, this constant achiness/stiffness/fatigue/I-wish-I-could-stick-an-icepick-in-my-wrist pain is just stupid. Stupid.

I know some sort of compromise is the answer. A little less beach/sun in order to have a little less pain. And probably not as much running this summer as I was hoping. I guess I have to push back that goal of a half-marathon for a bit. If I have to.... I just hope the next time I DO get on the beach, I don't look like a beached whale from the lack of running and the months of steroid therapy. OK... rant done.



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Half Way to...

Today was Lucas' last real day of preschool. Boy, has that snuck up on me. My little baby is half-way to leaving me already. Well, closer anyway. Seems like just yesterday I was stressing about which preschool to choose and now I am working my a** off to make the first tuition payment for private school kindergarten.

Actually, I have been working my a** off at a lot of things lately and yet I don't feel like I am getting very much ahead. I am having one of those days weeks months where it seems that no matter what I am trying to do, I can only get half way. Half way to what, I am not totally sure. But I just know that, if you put all my many task/hobbies/endeavors/jobs/roles on a line measuring success, they would all lie much closer to rookie than to expert.

Tonight, I was in the midst of a million different things, as usual. Caden came toddling down the stairs with such a sweet smile on his face, just wanting to cuddle a little. And of course I obliged. Cuddling that sweet little man close is what keeps me going. These two boys and their daddy are all that really matters to me. And yet, I let so many other things occupy my time and energy and thoughts. And then there is this Lupus thing... and that is a whole other story. Or more accurately, the wrench in the story.

Right now, I just need to go to bed. Along with being half-way to good at something and halfway to having my sh*t together, I am half-way asleep already and need to just give in. On the bright side, I held a sweet newborn baby girl today and she felt so perfect. :)



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Living and Striving

Almost exactly one year ago, I began running as a way to get into better shape post-childbearing / breastfeeding /weaning. Also a year ago, I started having the progressive joint pain that eventually led to a diagnosis of Lupus and a somewhat rocky ride so far.

So here I am. There have been some key changes in my life this past year and yet I wish I was not where I am. I don't know if it is the toll of a year of painful joint swelling and achy-ness or the sparse winter-running or the absence of the prednisone I was taking last spring/summer... but my running lately is kinda crappy. I am slow, my legs feel like lead, my head is SO not in the game. I signed myself up for a couple races in hopes that it will give me a much-needed push.
But truthfully, this whole Lupus thing sucks (pardon my French!). Really. Maybe I have mentioned that once or twice before. Admittedly, things are way better now than last spring. My pain is less although consistent. I do have some new symptoms now that I didn't have before but all this is stuff I can live with. Annoying, yes. But liveable. I have been eating gluten-free and trying to be dairy-free too (although that is much harder for me) and that seems to help. It has helped me drop a few pounds which makes me feel better mentally at the very least.

But you don't care about the details. I'm not sure I really do either. Bottom line: I am in the midst of asking God this question: how much of life is supposed to be spent just living and how much is to be spent striving for something more?

I desire so many things: A calmer spirit/mind, more compassion and patience with my boys, to run a 5K in 30min or less, a bigger house with a fenced yard, less debt, more romance, .... I would say that all those things (and the dozens of things I didn't list) are not bad things to want or hope for. But the cumulative effect of constant striving is driving me mad.
For example, I have stopped asking myself (and my rheumatologist) if I will ever be pain-free in my hands. I am setting my expectations low and hoping to be surprised.
But ultimately, if I live in this house forever and continue to lose my patience with the boys and have achy hands and run slow.... that is the reality of where I am. I can try to improve the things I can but I'm having to also come to terms with these blatant limitations and short-comings (both physical and emotional) that are staring me in the face.
I am not saying I am giving up. I am too stubborn for that. I will keep running and keep trying to figure out ways to better my situation both physically and financially and emotionally. I have just been asking God to show me the times when striving is good and the times I need to step back and just live.

I should end by saying I really do have so much to be thankful for: my sweet Lucas is turning 5 in 2weeks, Caden is spunky-as-ever, I am about to have a new niece, I get to go to Costa Rica for a week in April with Hubby's work, I have a job and friends I enjoy... all reasons to emphasize the living more than the striving.





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Take a Deep Breath

Right now, I find myself in limbo. I am worried about something that some of you may find trivial, but right now it is causing me so much anxiety. I am not sure where Lucas will go to kindergarten next year and it is eating a hole in my stomach just thinking about it. I obsessed about where to send him to preschool too. And lucky for us all, the final choice for that has been absolutely perfect for him. And I have no reason to believe this will be any different but that doesn't keep me from losing sleep over it.

The real stressor is that I have found what I think is the perfect school for him (after researching and calling and checking and stressing for MONTHS). EXCEPT... it is more than we can afford (unless we get a scholarship) and I am not even sure if he will get in. My indecision and anxiety caused us to not be super-aggressive and now there are already 20applicants for 15spots. So just when I start to feel comfortable about our decision on where to send him, the whole thing gets thrown back up into the air and I think I might just vomit.

There have been more than a handful of times in my life when I can recall this extended pit-feeling in my stomach. You know, that feeling of underlying stress and anxiety that looms over your head because something truly important is unresolved and yet there is nothing you can do in this moment or even in this day to make any difference. You just have to wait. Wait to see where the cards fall. To see what direction God takes you next.

In January of 2004, a friend sent me a lovely card with a scripture on it that she had been praying for me. I taped the card to my fridge so that I could see it and pray it daily to help. At that time, the pit-feeling in my stomach was about Micah and not knowing at all what the outcome would be. And although I know deciding on kindergarten has way less emotional and life-path implications for me than that time, I feel really strongly that this decision has some pretty significant implications for Lucas.

But you know the really funny thing about God... He has a way of bringing peace to my heart when I need it the most. I was sitting in a kindergarten class at this school I love, having just heard that they already have too many kids applying, and worrying about it all while I sat and watched the kids recite some poems they had been learning. And as I sat trying not to cry or explode or throw-up, the next thing the kids recited was this scripture. THE scripture that I always pray when I am trying to keep my mind and heart from worrying about things I cannot control. The one my friend sent me seven years ago. It was as if God Himself was reaching down in that moment to calm my heart and speak peace to my anxious soul.

I still don't know if Lucas will go to this school or not and I still stress about it. I really, really hope he does and I will try to do all I can to make that happen. But in the meantime, I know God is telling me to take a deep breath and trust that He who has planted my roots deep into the stream of His goodness will not cease to bring forth fruit, even when the heat or drought comes.

Jeremiah 17:7-8

⁷ “But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
⁸ They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”

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Taking Steps

It was a perfect fall day- chilly in the shade but warmer in the sun. Perfect blue sky accented with the changing autumn leaves. I loved being outside, breathing in the fresh air and enjoying the sunshine.


First, I ran a hilly 5K at the Morton Arboretum at 8am. It was pretty cold at first, but 5min into the run I was plenty warm. It wasn't my fastest time, but not my slowest either. And with the hills and some mild congestion, I am pretty happy with my time. I would have rather it been about a minute shorter but I guess I'll have to shoot for that goal next year.
Truthfully, I am proud of myself that I have (mostly) kept up with the running this spring/summer/fall even through this whole Lupus journey. I do feel like I have kinda stalled in my progress. I can run a bit further, but am not really getting faster. Although overall the joint pain is better than it was a few months ago, the fatigue seems to be more the factor here. I just don't have the energy to run as often. Maybe this fall I can improve on that a bit.
Either way, I ran today without walking, even on the steepest hill. And I am pretty happy about that.

After the run, I drove over to the Naperville Riverwalk for the Walk for Lupus. After my indecision and plea for company, I decided to register and had two of my dearest friends offer to walk with me. I felt so loved and supported. It was a 3mile walk on a beautiful day with two amazing women and it was SO great. Truthfully, it was a bit surreal being in this crowd of people who are in some way affected by Lupus. And it stung a bit to see some people walking today in memory of a loved one. I admit that my mind wandered a bit, thinking about what may be down the line for me. What will my life with Lupus look like? But as I walked with these women who have loved me and supported me through so much, I realized that I will deal with Lupus just like I did the walk today and the run: one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

I am still very much processing today's thoughts from the run and especially the walk. But most especially this whole Lupus thing and how I am adjusting my life to not let Lupus or fatigue or joint aches define me.
More on that another day. But for tonight, I am happy with the events of this perfect fall day. I am a blessed girl.



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Join the Club

In October of 2005 when one of my dearest friends lost her precious daughter, we had many conversations about how we had both joined this most unfortunate club of moms who had lost their children. It is a club no one would ever choose to join, and yet it is helpful to have others to lean on who have walked a similar road.

Well, 5years later I find myself joining another unfortunate club. This one is WAY less tragic but still kinda life-shifting. I have fought this diagnosis all along. But the more time that passes, the more it seems that I am indeed in the Lupus club or the chronic auto-immune illness club. Just typing those words makes me want to throw up. But with all that is going on in my body lately, the words seem difficult to avoid.

People are starting to associate the illness with me and I am not sure how to feel about that. A new friend forwarded on some information about a benefit where the recipient charity is some Lupus foundation. So very thoughtful of her and yet I am not sure if I would ever go. Knowing that I have been doing some running lately, I had several people tell me about this Lupus walk that is going on next weekend in Grant Park and on the Naperville Riverwalk. It is a 1 or 3mile walk similar to like a Heart Walk or something where you are supposed to be on a team and raise money to benefit the Lupus Foundation of America.
I have no team. I am not a fund-raiser kind of gal. And yet I feel like I should go. At the same time, I REALLY don't want to go. I would feel like a poser there even though I have been given this diagnosis by 4 reputable rheumatologists in the last 6months. I don't know exactly what I am afraid of. Maybe I am afraid of truly feeling like a part of this club that I have been trying to avoid joining. But that is part of the reason I feel like I should go. Maybe it would be good to meet others who are walking this road. I could ask them a few questions or simply not feel so alone in this whole thing. Maybe I could talk about the painful mouth sores or headaches or debilitating fatigue and joint pain and NOT feel so much like a whiner.

I can't bring myself to register but I did ask a co-worker to cover my call for a few hours. Clicking "register now" feels like resigning myself to the truth that I have this illness and I am not mentally at that point yet. I am still very much in the "yes I have all the signs and blood work, but this couldn't possibly be what this is" phase. Maybe not healthy, but where I am none-the-less.

What do you think? Should I go? Is it lame to go alone when everyone else there will probably be with some sort of team? I thought about asking someone to go with me, but that might make me feel even more awkward. (Anyone want to come with me?) Or maybe I just want to walk alone and try to sort out some things in my head.

Chronic health challenges can be a very isolating thing. Maybe this would be a good way for me to connect with other people who have Lupus and also bring my friends a little more into this journey with me. Or maybe it would feel too uncomfortable and I should wait for another year when I feel a little more at peace with this whole mess. Oh.... I don't know. Help!


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Push-Pull

I am in a stage of life where things could be leveling out a bit. Could.

The boys are just great. I mean, really great. Parenting is hard but I get lots of hugs and "I love yous" and that covers a multitude of frustrations. I love being with them but also watching them from afar. I have moments of sheer bliss and then others when I feel like I am totally failing them as their mother. My head is filled with thoughts of "how should I ..." and "what is the best way to ..." I want to raise them right and love them well and have them be joyful, respectful, balanced men who grow up to love others well and serve God. How do I get there?.... still figuring that one out.

This Lupus thing is a strange beast. Just when I thought I knew what was going in, yet another curve ball seems to be thrown my way. New symptoms, recurrence of some old ones. Hearing the words 'chronic-illness' come off my tongue of anyone's around me makes me want to vomit. I am so-very-far from having this whole thing figured out and that is frustrating. But I am keeping perspective (most of the time) and trying to make good decisions.

You see... it all boils down to this: There are a few things in my life that are really important to me. My boys top that list... my faith, my husband, my friends and family. Add to that list being respected by others, doing something meaningful with my life, trying to live the best life possible. I want to be a good friend, a great wife and mom. A good daughter and sister and daughter-in-law and sister-in-law. I want to be a success, to be fit, a good cook.

So here I am, in a place where life could be leveling out, and yet I am here still very much trying to figure out what that may look like. I want to sign the boys up for enriching things but yet I want to be at home with them just playing cars and reading books. I want to take them to the zoo and every children's museum within a 2hour radius but my body won't always cooperate. I want to fill our days and yet I am a better mom when I am not rushed or pressed. I want to have coffee and dinners out with friends, to go to women's bible studies, romantic dates with the Hubby. But more often than not, all I really want to do is lay on the couch and rest. Push-Pull.

I am an introvert who loves (and tries to nurture) community. I am a purposely busy mom who cherishes the slow days/nights. I am a couch-potato, diet-pepsi drinker at heart who desperately wants to be fit and healthy. I have Lupus but that doesn't define (all of) me.

I am a woman, child of God, busy mom. Trying to figure out how to be what I can for everyone who needs or desires a piece of myself. Filtering out things that clutter our life and prioritizing things that enrich it and not letting unhealthy thoughts or influences make those decisions for me. Deciding when to go out and when to stay in and not feel guilty for either one. Asking God to show me what His definition of meaningful is for my life. For my family.

Push-Pull.



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Here We Go

I had an appointment with a fourth rheumatologist today. Can you tell I am having a hard time accepting the truth that is staring me in the face? She is a very highly respected, well-known rheumatologist at Loyola Hospital. It took me months to get this appointment and yet I almost didn't go. But something in me had to know if she would have anything different to say. But she didn't. Just more of the same. "Yes, it looks like Lupus... Yes, you have to be on the Prednisone.... Yes, you will be on this other medication long term.... No, you can't be out in the sun.... Yes, you may have other flare ups of varying severity in the future... " blah, blah, blah

I am not as stubborn as this whole process is making me seem. I am just thorough. Right? Plus I am truly having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that I have a chronic illness. Even typing that makes me feel icky. Can that really be true? I ran 2miles tonight. I drove Lucas to a swim lesson and planned a fun fair and helped a friend find an apartment and ... I am a fully functioning mom-of-two boys that can't be bothered with this. Add in some moderate joint pain and some other pretty un-arguable evidence and then you have the full picture.

So this is me, coming to peace with this whole thing: Taking my pills as directed and not as my nurse-brain/reluctant heart prescribes instead. Reading a Lupus magazine while waiting for the doctor today and trying not to let myself get worried or sad or bitter. Visiting a Lupus blog tonight and trying to figure out how or if I fit into this new world.

Like or not, I am here in a place of figuring out how best to deal with these cards that I am being given. I am not super sick. I have some achy hands and wrists and feet but that is about it and even that is getting better. But yet, I have 4 professional people telling me they see clear indicators that my body has some funky issues going on. And I have to take medication to keep the funk under control or worse funk could be coming down the line.
So, here we go... I guess I have Lupus. Certainly not what I had next on my life's agenda. But I am here anyway and learning to come to terms with it. And make the best of it. And not freak out. And not over-dramatize. And not underestimate. And not ignore the things I need to do to make it better just because I don't want to have limitations. And ask for help if I need it (ouch). And not let it stop me, unless it needs to stop me... ya' know? And give my boys the best of me without letting it take everything out of me.

Here we go....




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Working Against Myself

I am putting this post on Dupage Mamas tomorrow, but thought I would share it with y'all too. It has been an interesting few weeks. But, things are getting better and I am thankful for that.

All the blood they took on just one of my trips to the lab.... yikes!!!

As a medical professional, I have been told by many older patients to appreciate my body while it is still in good shape. We have all probably heard that at some point- from our parents or grandparents or someone lamenting the health challenges that come with aging. Whenever I have heard that, I just laugh it off and say that of course I don't take my body for granted. But in light of some recent health challenges of my own, I can see that up until now I have totally taken good health lightly.

About 4months ago, I started having some pain in a few of my joints. My first thought was honestly that I am grossly out of shape, which isn't un-true. I had started the Couch-to-5K running training with the hopes of losing a few pounds and getting ready for swimsuit season. But as the joint pain continued to get worse, I backed off the running to make sure I didn't injure myself. And the funny thing was, even when the running stopped, the joint pain did not. It was spreading from my ankles and knees to my fingers and wrists and toes and elbows. This wasn't running related anymore. So after a trip to my doctor and some blood tests indicated something a little more complex may be happening, I found myself sitting across from a rheumatologist who was telling me I have Lupus (SLE).

It was a bit of a shock, if I'm being honest. I was totally expecting this doc to tell me to take a few Motrin and stop wasting his time. Instead, he is listing off to me my new list of dos and don'ts and writing prescriptions. This can't REALLY be it, right? I couldn't wrap my head around it. I am only 33. I shouldn't have a chronic health issue at this point. Not yet.

After two second opinions made it three specialists telling me the same thing, I am now at a place where I am trying to come to terms with what is probably the truth. I still say probably because I am holding out hope that this may not be the true diagnosis and I will be able to stop taking these medications a few months down the road. But for now at least, I have begun walking down this path of treating Lupus and trying to get rid of this joint pain.

Lots of people take medication everyday and LOTS of people have WAY worse things to deal with than this. It is totally treatable and hopefully without very many long-term complications since we seem to have caught it early in the progression. I am well aware that this post may come off as whiny or "poor-me." I hope not though. As much as this could be worse, it has been a bit of a blow. I am taking medications to keep my body from attacking itself. That seems to strange to me. It is like I am working against myself- that left to it's own ways, my body would continue to damage my joints and eventually my kidneys and other organs. And now I have to take measures to keep that from happening.The first couple days after starting the meds, I had to will myself to take it. I want to do the right thing, I am not trying to be stubborn or over-dramatic. It is just taking me some time to adjust to this idea of being on long-term treatment for a chronic illness and having this diagnosis of Lupus be something that will forever be on my radar screen. Even if I get to a point where I am symptom-free (hopefully soon!!!), I will still have to be mindful of it enough to take the medicine and make wise decisions about my life and my body. I am not 20 years old anymore with a semi-immortal view of my own health. I am 33 with some challenges that are changing the way I see myself and my body and my health.

I did eventually run a 5K, two actually. And I am doing another in a few weeks. The running doesn't make it better or worse. So for now, I am sticking with it. I am making some lifestyle choices to reduce stress and get more rest. Trying to at least. I will get this under control. And once I am pain-free again, you know I won't take it for granted. My body may be trying to work against me, but I am determined to turn this around. I am using this as the motivation to take my body back under MY control. Trying to anyway.

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Some 'Splainin'

Well y'all, I guess I haven't done very well at keeping you in the loop.

Last we talked, I was about to go see a rheumatologist for some unexplainable joint pain and fatigue. I was worried he wouldn't listen or that he would jump to an "easy conclusion." In reality, he spent over an hour just talking to me. He examined every joint, looked over my lab work from the last 4 years and let me ramble about all the things that I felt may or not be related. He shared with me about his 30+ years of experience and how he didn't throw around diagnoses lightly. All very encouraging things. I sat there thinking any minute he was going to tell me to take some Motrin and wait out some virus that has parked itself in my joints. Instead, he proceeded to list all the (very believable) reasons he thinks I have Lupus. All his reasons were solid, things I couldn't argue with. I left there speechless, a bit stunned, and with several prescriptions in hand- one to fight the joint pain and one to treat this "Lupus".
In the wake of this, I decided to start the prednisone to help stop this spiral of joint pain. Hubby and I also decided to "cast a wide net" (as he put it) and get a couple other opinions. I have known several people to get false Lupus diagnoses and I want to make sure we know exactly what we are dealing with. One thing I can't ignore is the aching and throbbing in almost every joint in my body. I think the prednisone is helping. I have more energy at least. :)

So basically, that is where I stand. I have a couple other rheumatology appointments in the next few weeks. I am taking the prednisone, cutting WAY back on computer time, going to bed earlier, blah, blah, blah.... just trying to do whatever I can to start to feel better and maybe take a little better care of myself. This joint pain has gotten to an un-liveable level and I gotta do something about it (I feel like such a complainer right now! But I am also trying to be honest about this whole thing.).
And in what may seem to you to be counter-productive, I am still running. It is some of the only time I feel un-tethered. And it doesn't hurt while I am running. I pay for it a bit afterwards, but mostly I feel good that I am working my body and getting stronger. Truthfully, it hurts less to run than to walk sometimes because when I am running, I am in a different zone. That sounds so crazy to say, but is somehow true. So I am not ready to give it up, at least until I get through the 5K in 2weeks that was my original goal point. Then maybe I'll have to slow it down some.

So there you have it. Some 'splainin'. Thank you for all your calls and e-mails and prayers. I haven't been a very good friend or blog-friend lately. I haven't been reading enough about y'all. But I will get back there. I just gotta take some time to figure things out a bit. I am not really anxious about this. I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I am anxious about a lot of other things, though, and I am trying to work through that in the midst of this. So again, I am so sorry and so grateful for my friends. Love to y'all.


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My Newest Challenge

Blogging is hard for me these days, although I just posted over at Chicago Moms Blog about my recent running hobby. It is in part due to the same ol' excuse: life is just so busy and full. But that is only part of the story.
I know I have vaguely mentioned it a couple times, but starting about 10weeks ago my body began a major rebellion. It started with a sore ankle and an achy thumb or wrist and it has escalated from there. I now have what I can only describe as global joint pain. My ankles and knees and fingers and wrists... yikes. It has been a bit of a challenge, especially when I am fatigued and trying to do fine motor tasks (ie: typing, sewing, etc...). Motrin helps. Hot rice bags have become a staple of my evening. I can mostly work through it but I am trying to limit my internet time and get more rest to see if I can figure this all out.
My primary MD did some blood work and it, at this point, is indicative of some sort of auto-immune issue. Truthfully, I could have told them that without the lab tests. My body is attacking itself for sure, leaving me with lots of pain in my joints. What that means, I am not sure yet. it could be hormonal or some other totally rational explanation. But my nurse's mind goes a million places which is not really that helpful. I know I just need someone to help me figure it out so I am seeing a rheumatologist tomorrow and hopefully he will take the time to hear me and see the big picture.
So I would appreciate your prayers as I see this rheumatologist tomorrow. Pray that he would listen to all the things I think are relevant and informative regarding my current challenge. Pray that we would, at the very least, come up with a short-term solution to get me some relief.

I will back here as quickly and frequently as I can.
Love to you all.


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The Weaning Dilemma

Caden will be two in August. It hardly seems possible that that could be true. It seems like we just had his 1st birthday party where a friend's son pulled the fire alarm and we had the greatest ending to a toddler birthday party ever with firetrucks and firefighters all around. And even closer seems last fall when Hubby and I escaped for a few days to see my beloved Gators and spend a few days on the beach for our 10th wedding anniversary. I was so worried that my time away back then would be the end of nursing for Caden. But to my delight, my milk supply seemed to keep up and he just picked right back up without skipping a beat.

Well, now I find myself in a different spot. He has no intention of being done with his "dursies" and mommy is pretty much ready to be done. He would nurse several times a day if I let him. He definitely nurses when he first wakes up (which is around 5am-Yuck!!) and before his nap if I put him down at home and then before bed. The thing is, he doesn't really fall asleep nursing anymore. He sits there, latched on, just kinda sitting there. He gets mad when I pull him off and cries "Other side, mama, PEAS!!!!" I am not even sure he is getting much more than a trickle of milk except in the morning when there is more there. And when he wants "dursies" in the morning, I can tell that he is legitimately hungry or thirsty since he is going thorough that toddler "I won't eat dinner" phase. The other complicating factor is that he won't drink milk. Not even almond milk. He spits it out. So does he still need whatever milk is there to get the fat for his brain development and all the wonderful other stuff he gets from breastmilk?

So now the dilemma becomes this... is it time to stop? I want to stop, I am ready to stop. But he doesn't seem to be. And I don't want weaning to be a traumatic thing for either of us. I am very much in favor of child-led weaning. Except that I am not sure it would ever be his idea to stop. It was such a natural process for Lucas and it was around this age, just shy of two. I know pro-nursing moms who have already stopped by this age and I know lots of moms who have nursed far past Caden's age.
He is my last baby, Lord- willing. And I don't want him to grow up too fast. But the other issue is that I have been having a little health issue with lots of joint pain and extreme fatigue and some possible auto-immune involvement. I am trying to de-stress and de-clutter my life even more to see if I can get a handle on this joint stuff before trying more pharmacological routes. And this whole nursing issue with Caden is stressing me out both physically and

Just writing this all out, it seems as if I have my answer. It is time to wean. But then you add in the emotional component and I am again not sure. Do I hold on a bit longer since the final nursing with Caden will probably be the final forever? Do I let him be the baby a little longer and give him his "dursies" which do seem to comfort him even if they are not filling his belly?

I am pretty sure I want to be done by the time he turns 2. But maybe sooner.... I just don't know.



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Housing Woes

With the current state of the economy, I know that the problem I have is one of affluence. In other words, if I didn't have such a good life I would not have this problem. But that being said, I am going to tell you about my woes anyway.

My family and I live in a 2bedroom townhouse. It has three levels, the basement being the garage and a little office/playroom, with both bedrooms on the top floor. We have a little bit of yard but most of it is shared so we can't fence it in or keep people from walking through it. For about a year now, Hubby and I have been talking about wanting to move: to upgrade to something a bit bigger with more of a yard. Our dog needs a yard and I desperately want the boys to have a place to play. We have been hesitant to put our house on the market for fear that we will take a huge beating and screw ourselves financially. So mostly for that reason, we have stayed put.
Well just recently, we listed our place on Craig's list to try to find renters so that we can in-turn find a place to rent until the market picks up a bit more. We are not having any luck getting leads on our house and it is bumming me out!! I got myself so excited, thinking we were finally getting some momentum in this moving thing. We looked at a couple of rentals, nice houses that would have worked for us. None blew me away or jumped out as the perfect place. But then again, we are in no position to find a place to move into until we find people to move in here.
So here we are, really no further than we have ever been. Except, I really do want to move!!

Here lies the dilemma. I can't figure out if my desire to move is legitimate. I have a roof over my head, my children have beds to sleep in and food to eat and a safe place to live. Should I just be content with that? Should I just be grateful that I don't have to move and take a loss on our place and live here a bit longer until it is more to our advantage to sell?
Or should we keep trying to move into a bigger place in time to enjoy a yard this summer and have more room this winter when we are all stuck inside again?
I really don't know. I struggle at times with contentment anyway. I seem to always have something on the horizon or big ideas for how to make our life "perfect". But I am actually entering a phase of life with not much pending in the future. I will probably not have anymore kids, Hubby is in a good job that he will probably be in for at least a bit longer and I have no idea what will happen with my job. There is the chance Hubby could move up in his field soon and we might move to Texas in the next few years but that is all still a really big "if" right now and nothing we can bank on. I have been working hard on living in the moment, concentrating on the present, and not trying to just get through today to get to tomorrow. Is this just one more lesson or step in that journey?
So, do I fight for what I want.... a yard where the dog and the kids can run and play and have fun. A guest room and a play room and just a little more room to breathe. Or do I simply praise God for the house He has given us for this time and ask humbly that He help us sell it when the time is right and our next step is more clear and/or necessary?
I do love our little home. SO much life has happened here that it would be a bit sad to leave. But, I also really want my boys to have a magical, healthy, amazing childhood. I really want them to run through the grass and play in mud and have room to be free little boys while staying safe and somewhat contained. And selfishly, I would love for the dog and the boys to be able to go outside and get a little exercise without me having to be by their side every moment.
Yet, we are trying to pay down some debt and live within our means and be good stewards of what God had given us. Oh dear! I just don't know what to think about this anymore.





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God is Sneaky

About a week ago, Lucas announced to Hubby and I that God lives in his heart! What a cool thing to hear your kid say! I don't think this means he said any specific prayer or had a "moment of decision." But I do think it is a sign that what we are teaching and talking about with him in addition to the solid faith-teaching he gets at preschool is really sinking in. Hubby and I talk to him all the time about how God is always with him and that God wants to live in our hearts so He can help us and tell us how much He loves us. But to hear him proclaim that God is living in his heart was still a very special moment. Hubby asked "What does that mean, Lucas? How does God get into our hearts?"
"It means God goes where I go. And He can talk to me." Yes, yes!
"And how did God get into your heart, Lucas?"
"He is pretty sneaky. God just sneaks in there." Hmmm.... maybe we need to work on that part a bit.

But maybe God is sneaky, sometimes. Not sneaky in the sense that He tries to trick us or deceive us in any way. But sneaky in that sometimes lessons come in the places we may least expect it.
It is no secret that this new job of mine has not been a smooth road so far. I worked so hard to arrange everything and labored so much over the decision to leave my boys an extra day a week. But in the end, I found a way and really felt God was leading me down this path. The first week or two was o.k. Even though Caden had a hard time being left and was extra-clingy when I was home, he seemed to calm down and I knew it was just the adjustment phase so I didn't stress too much about it. Well, it has now been 7weeks. Caden is doing much better. Lucas is a champ with all the coming and going and new routines. I am blessed by the people around me that are making this even possible. BUT.... But, the job is not what I had hoped. Well, the job itself is fine. I enjoy the challenge and the new specialty. But there are other factors (mainly one big one) that are making this very, very hard. It is just not what I had pictured in my mind when I decided to join this team.
But yet, I can see why God led me here. This is where His sneakiness comes in. I made the decision to join this team because I was honored that they would ask me and I felt it was an opportunity for professional growth I could not pass up. Also, Hubby and I are trying to eliminate some debt and move into a bigger house this summer so we were looking for a little extra income just as they asked me to join this team. Seemed perfect. And while it may still be a means of professional growth, I am seeing that that may not be the purpose God had in mind.

I am a bender by nature. I figure out what version of me people are apt to want and I bend to that. I assess what people are looking for, who they want me to be, and I try my best to conform in order to be liked and valued and accepted. We all do this to a certain degree, I think. I learned this skill as a military kid, trying to fit in each new place we would go. And it is not a totally bad thing since I think it is a survival and adaptation mechanism that seems natural to an extent. But at times, I take it too far and it leaves me feeling like I am not sure who the real me is since I am constantly bending and recreating myself. And then, I find myself in this new job environment that is so uncomfortable and even brutal. I can't for the life of me figure out how to be who my new boss wants me to be. She is so tough and demeaning and critical that I can't seem to be enough for her or do anything right. So the lesson in this, don't bend. Be me and that is all I can do. I stopped trying to be her friend or have interesting things to say. I stopped trying to impress her with my nursing knowledge and skill since she shot me down everytime anyway. Instead, I am letting her dictate to me what she wants me to do and I do that with my mouth shut no matter how hard that is. But beyond that, I am NOT letting her dictate to me who I should be no matter how hard that is either. And when I step back and think about all this, this lesson in not bending but staying true to myself, I am amazed at how sneaky God was to put me in this place. I don't think I would have signed on for this had I known what it would have actually looked like. I took the job because I felt flattered and like I was finally a little more in control of my own world. But as it turns out, God had something else in store. Something way more eternal and life-changing and perspective-shifting.

God is sneaky sometimes. Lucas may be on to something. But sneaky in a really, really good way. Sneaky in a "how can I best teach Farrah to trust who I have made her to be" way....
I am not 100% sure this job, this boss, is for me long-term. But I can see why I am here for now. So here for now I will stay until I feel God lead me otherwise.




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Trying to Live and Not Just Survive

It is already the middle of February. Dear Lord! How did that happen? A dear friend e-mailed me recently asking about a post I wrote last year (which I am gonna re-post later this week) and that was the first I had honestly thought about Lent and what I was planning for my family for this season. The last four weeks have just passed me by and I am doing well to just keep my head above water most of the time. Actually, that is not entirely accurate.

We are busy and still adjusting to my new job. And we are just getting over some pretty nasty viruses which always complicates life. And this new job has challenges that I did not expect. But even so, this past weekend has been wonderful and just the refreshment my soul needed. Hubby and I had a great date on Friday night, we had a low key day on Saturday filled with craft time and reading time, we took the boys bowling and out to lunch today and had a blast. The fact that my job is pulling me away from the boys more makes me a bit more aware of how I spend my time with them. So in that way, I am actually being more intentional than before. But the rest of life is just flying by and I am left with my head spinning.

I am in need of time to reflect and order my thoughts and my world. And what better time than Lent, a time that should be set aside for just those things. There are crafts I want to do, things I need to work on to grow my businesses, books I want to read, blogs I want to write (and read). But mostly, I just want to feel like I am in control and living life purposefully and I know in order to get there I need to take some time to get my feet back underneath me. I feel confident that God means for us to live life and not just survive it. And I am fully aware that life is busy because I have built it that way and I could "un-build" it in a minute. But that is easier said than done. The things that make life busy are also the things that often make it meaningful. I actually have cut back on certain things and am in the process of subtracting more. I am learning what I can handle and the importance of getting sleep above all things (thus the extreme lack of posting here). It is a process, and sometimes a slow one.

I am also realizing that it is very important to me to look back on the day, the week, the year and not say "where did the time go?" I want to use my time wisely, intentionally. I want to enjoy my boys and not just manage them. I want to experience things as a family, to create memories and strengthen our bonds with each other so that nothing will ever be able to break them. I want to live life, not survive it. I want to be the best me, the best mom, sister, friend, daughter, nurse that I can be while staying true to myself and who God has created me to be. I want to learn how to be the real me at all times and not let frustrating moments or people bring out sides that aren't truly who I am. At this moment, I am still very much in the middle of figuring out what that looks like for me and for my family. I have come to terms with different parts of it which I can go into more details on later. And I am making decisions about our lives that reflect this priority to make life as meaningful as possible. I just need some time to get all these thoughts in order and think about how to put feet to some of these words and thoughts.

It is almost Lent- a time to be intentional and reflect. I plan to do just that. With myself and with my boys. And hopefully more often, here in this space too. Just surviving is hard sometimes and I know everyday can't be filled with photo-album worthy events. But I also am starting to learn that there are simple ways to make even the smallest moments more like living and less like surviving. If you have this figured out or are farther on this journey than I am, please share.


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So Far, So Good...

Thank you to all of you who have been such an amazing source of encouragement to me this past week. I was so nervous about leaving the boys, especially Caden. The first two days went well, just a bit of crying from me and Caden. Lucas has adjusted like a champ so far. Caden and I will get there. :)
I enjoy the job so far. I am finding, like so many other areas of my life, I have set the bar so high for myself that I make it almost impossible to reach. When in truth, no one expects me to be the best nurse on the team after only being there for 2days. I am trying to give myself room to learn the new skills and procedures without having to be perfect right away. Trying.

In all my deep soul searching and introspective thinking the past few weeks, I think I have decided that taking this job actually makes me a better mom. Not better than anyone else. Just a better version of myself....
Growing up, I was always good with kids. I loved babysitting, I was good at it, kids loved me. I started a journal of entries to my children when I was in highschool. It always seemed a fore-gone conclusion that having my own kids would be a natural fit. And while I think that is mostly true (I do love being a mom and making up crafts and taking the boys on adventures...), I think there are parts of motherhood that came as a surprise to me. I tend to lose my temper WAY more than I would like or even like to admit. I am not very good at impulse control sometimes. Fatigue and I are not a good match. I am not a very patient and calm mama when I am running on empty.
I am a complex girl. When I was working full-time before I had kids, all I wanted was to stop working and have my family. And I love being home with them but I also love being a nurse and fell like I worked too hard to get to this point in my career to give it up. I think that is why it was so hard for me to pass up this opportunity when it came my way.
So in some strange way, taking this job and leaving my boys more makes me feel like I am a little more in the driver's seat of my own well-being. I am providing a little more for my family financially, and that feels good. I am using my skills and nursing-aptitude and it feels really good. The leaving part is hard.... very hard. But they are in very capable, loving hands and even this part of it is good for us.
It is good for me to have time away, making me appreciate the time together so much more. It is good for them to realize that if I leave them, I will come back and they will be fine. And we will have fun and snuggle and have nursies and all the things that make time with mommy so great when I get home. I was worried that leaving them an extra day or two would communicate that they are not the center of my world, that going to work puts them in 2nd place. I don't want me leaving them the be the new "norm." But I don't think I need to worry about that. Hopefully not, anyway. My boys love me and I am not hesitant to tell them often how awesome I think they are. We are bonded very deeply to each other. And this feeling of empowerment (for lack of better word) I feel gives me a renewed strength and energy for the task of motherhood. At least so far.
Plus (and you may think this is a bit shallow), bringing in some extra money lowers the overall stress level in our home. I don't have to feel as guilty about getting take out on that really tough, busy day. We have a little more wiggle room in the budget and some available funds to do some of the little home improvements that we have been waiting for years to do. I really feel it helps my Hubby by taking some of the financial pressure off him. And, I might just buy myself a new Kate Spade bag or AnnTaylor outfit like I used to do in the pre-kiddo days. And that would be so fun! (Ok, that is a bit shallow but I'm just keepin' it real with y'all!)
So.. so far, so good. We are adjusting to the new routine and starting to see the benefits this may have for me and our family as a whole. Plus I think it is bonding the boys more to each other too, which warms my heart deeply.
I am so grateful for all of your prayers and encouragements. And I am thankful that God loves me enough to give me this opportunity and good friends to help me make it work (Amanda and Heather- that's you!!!). I am grateful that He knows what I need and what my boys need even when I can't see anything clearly. Thank you Lord for these moments of growth and healing and contentment- like rays of sunshine bursting through the clouds.



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An Anxious Beginning

I start my new job tomorrow. Yes, I decided to do it. Take the plunge, take a risk, walk in faith. I have prayed and worried so much about this decision. Is it right for me? Is it right for my boys? For our family? Should I wait 'til they are older or not let this opportunity pass me by?
I worked hard to arrange the logistics for the boys and get everything set for tomorrow, my first day. And yet here I sit having MAJOR cold feet. I am excited for the job itself and I know the boys will be fine. They will be with Hubby most of the day. I am just really nervous about leaving Caden and I am nervous about Lucas feeling comfortable with someone else picking him up and being dropped off at a new house. But, I mostly feel all those things will turn out fine. Logistically.

Truthfully, my nerves are one part logistics and nine parts emotions. I was fighting off tears tonight as I explained tomorrow's day to Lucas. It started to hit me that I won't be there to pick him up or hear about his day. I won't be there. My life is shifting. I am delegating the care of my children to other people so that I can go to work and focus on my career and make more money to pay off debt and get us back on a little more solid ground. I know that Caden will cry when I leave him and I will have to just walk away and get in my car. That is going to break my heart. I am sure he will settle down. But will I? As I cooked dinner tonight and Caden just wanted me to hold him, I felt my heart breaking a little just thinking about leaving him.

I know it will all take some time to get used to. Transitions are always like that. I am not giving up before I start just because I am feeling nervous and anxious and a bit guilty. But I am feeling a bit sad, a bit anxious, and maybe a tinge guilty. This new job is not being forced on me. I could have said no and still can at any time. I DO still think this is a good thing for me and for our family right now. We will benefit from the extra money and it is a good move for my career. It even might be a good thing for the boys to get comfortable with other people taking care of them. Just not too comfortable. I am struggling a bit with giving up my role as primary care giver for these boys who are my world. But, it is only a part-time job. I am only working 2-3 days a week but am just feeling the weight of this transition pretty heavy tonight.

These boys are my world. And I want them to grow up knowing that they are my world, not that I left them to the care of others. And if I am being totally vulnerable here, I will admit that part of these nerves are that I feel like I am stepping deeper in that hole of not being 100% anything. Not stay at home mom, not a career girl, not a sold-out blogger, not a persistent business woman....... just a poser trying to be in all those worlds. You know?

I could use your prayers as I take this leap of faith tomorrow and start this new job with a bit of an anxious heart. I trust that God will make it work for all of us or make it clear that it is not going to. I am at least gonna give it a shot and see if my heart will follow my feet. I'll let you know how it goes.


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Mother who works or Working Mother?

Let me start by saying, I miss blogging. I miss feeling like a regularly could process my thoughts and life here and get feedback from my fellow moms. I miss reading blogs and commenting and being part of your lives too. I really hope to get back into my blogging groove soon. Don't give up on me yet. I value you, my blogging (and RL) friends.

Thank you to all of you who chimed in with some great advice and encouragement on my last dilemma. It was so helpful to read your comments as I tried to decide if I should let my little getaway be the time for weaning Caden or try to hold on to nursing for a bit longer. As it turned out, I did pump twice a day while I was gone. Caden did great with no nursing (and no bottles either, the stubborn little fool) for the almost 5 days we were gone. Then when he saw me, he picked it right up as if we had never been apart. In fact, he wanted to make up for lost time. I do think that my milk supply and hormones were affected by the break. I have some further evidence to that end that I won't share here. TMI. But, Caden is still nursing and I am glad he is. But I didn't let the pumping get in the way of our fun. We had a fabulous time celebrating a big Gators win and our 10yr. anniversary.

With that dilemma behind me, I move on to the next.

I am a nurse part-time in a cardiac interventional lab (angioplasty, etc..) . I love my job, I love what I do. I worked really hard to get here and so I feel good that I am keeping my foot in the door and keeping my skills and knowledge current and using my hard-earned degree. Not to mention that the extra $$ helps our budget tremendously. We would have to live MUCH tighter without my income. And although I only work one day a week, I have always thought that once the boys got a little older and in school, I would probably increase my hours a bit.
In an unexpected turn of events, I am now faced with a work-decision that I didn't expect to have to make for several years still. I am being asked by some of the MDs that I work with to join a fairly prestigious sub-specialty team within my department. It would be a great move for my career and I am very honored that they want me. It would also mean more $$ and a few other perks too. No brainer, eh? Not so fast.
The rub of this new job is that I would have to work Tuesdays and Thursdays- Lucas' preschool days. I currently work Tuesdays and my mother-in-law drops off and picks up Lucas from preschool on those days. To take this job, I would have to give up MY day of being involved in his preschool life AND I would have to find someone I trust to pick him up and watch Caden while he is in school. I would be able to take Lucas to preschool. This new team is so determined to have me jump on board that they are willing to let my work day start after I take Lucas to preschool. And Hubby gets home from work around 1pm so the boys would be with Daddy in the afternoons (which is awesome!). But still...
I chose this preschool for Lucas because of how caring in involved the teachers are. The pick up process is very experiential with the parents having to come and stand next to their child and the teachers coming to each mom to tell them something their child did that day. It is great and I would miss it.
Beyond the added stress of finding childcare that day and not being involved in Lucas' preschool life, I feel like this is a mental shift that I was not prepared for. I feel like I am going from a "stay-at-home mom who works one day a week" to a "part-time working mother" which feels WAY different.
I can tell myself I would be doing it for them, for the family. More money to pay off all our debt and be able to do more things as a family. But truthfully, it is really about me. It is MY career and wanting to do this for ME. Which isn't a bad thing. Not at all. But I am really feeling the tug. I am torn. I do want to take this job. I would have a hard time turning it down. And yet, I want to be there for Lucas and be a part of his preschool experience and not miss a minute of his life. He won't be 3 much longer and I have the rest of my life to work.

AHHHHH!!! What should I do?

Honestly, I am leaning towards taking the job. If. If I can find a childcare/preschool pick up solution I am comfortable with. If I don't chicken out. It would mean some stressful weeks for me as I am trained and learning this new specialty. I would have to spend a fair amount of time outside work studying to be at the top of my game. But that's not bad either, right. Some priorities would have to shift. Things would change a little around here if mommy works 2days a week and needs to study when I am home. The good news is, my days/hours are only fixed until the end of the spring. After I am trained, I have been told I can work whatever days and hours I want. I just have to figure out a way to make it work in the meantime.

I know this is a spoiled problem. In this economy, there are people who need work worse than I do. And I know that my children are well-loved and nurtured and cared for- even if I had to put them in daycare or something one day a week. But spoiled or not, this is weighing heavy on my heart. I just want to make the right decision for myself and my boys.

I know God will help me make the right decision. And as we try to put the pieces in place, I am hoping it will become clear whether or not this is the right thing for our family. Your prayers are, as always appreciated. :)



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Am I unintentionally weaning?

As I write this, Hubby and I are driving to Jacksonville from my parents' house in Ft. Walton Beach to go to the Gator game. Hooray!! This is one of the biggest games of the year and I have ALWAYS wanted to go. This is the beginning of our 10th wedding anniversary celebration. After the game we are driving to a house on the beach for a couple days before we head back to my parents' to pick up the boys. 4 kid-free days, a Gator game, time on the beach, sleeping in, lots of quality time with Hubby... It is gonna be awesome!

There is just one thing I am a bit concerned about. And, truthfully, I am not sure there is anyone left reading this blog as I have been so unfaithful to post lately. But if there is anyone reading this, I could use your input.
I have never left Caden overnight before. And while he has been doing great at sleeping through the night lately, I feel a little nervous about it. I know he'll be fine. He adores my parents and they'll keep him occupied and soothed. I am not really worried about that. I am worried about the nursing. I left my pump at home so I went and bought a cheapie hand pump so I could attempt to pump while I am gone. But, will 4 days of no nursing be the end of nursing for Caden and I? Will he be done or will he pick it back up as soon as he sees me?
And even if he wants to, will there be anything there for him after no baby stimulating milk production for 4 days?
He is almost 15 months so it wouldn't be the end of the world for him to be weaned. But I am not ready and he still nurses several times a day. At least he used to. Lucas nursed until almost 2 so I thought Caden and I had more time.
I am trying to mentally prepare myself that this may be the end of nursies. And it would REALLY be the end since Caden is most likely my last baby. Should I let this be the weaning process for Caden or be diligent to pump several times a day with this little hand pump and try to hold on?
I can't save any milk pumped 'cuz I have no way to get it home. It would be pumping just to try to keep the milk flowing. And if you know me, you know that I HATE pumping and I'm not super good at it.
Thoughts? Anyone? I could use your advice and/or encouragement. If anyone is still there, I mean. :)
Thanks for sticking with me if you are here.
And Go Gators!! Beat Georgia!!



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Transitioning to Whatever is Next

It has been a big week around here.

Lucas started school. Yes, my baby is now in school. I haven't had to drop-and-go yet... that starts tomorrow. But Tuesday was the first actual session of preschool. The parents got to stay the first day, to help the transition for the moms the kids. We had a fun morning of checking out all the fun stuff preschool has to offer. Lucas didn't want to leave at the end so hopefully that bodes well for his first solo-day tomorrow.
I am truthfully not looking forward to leaving him. I am sure he will do fine. I, on the other hand, will be obsessively watching the clock 'til time to go pick him up. I will eventually adjust too, it just may take a couple drop-offs. :)
My most emotional moment on Tuesday came when we all went outside for some playtime. Lucas saw a pinwheel in the toy basket. He immediately went over and picked it up and stuck it in the ground. "This is what we do at the cemetery, Mommy. So this pinwheel is for my brother Micah." I had to turn away for a second so Lucas and all the other moms/kids wouldn't see me wipe the tears away. It was an emotional moment for me. Lucas growing up before my eyes, thinking about Micah and see how the remembering has become a part of Lucas' life just as it is a part of mine.

The other big event of this week- Caden is no longer co-sleeping and is mostly sleeping through the night. He has slept all the way through only once but even if he wakes up, Hubby or I go in and lay him back down (not ever picking him up) and pat him 'til he is calm. Then, we turn and walk out. He cries for a few minutes (last night it was 3min) and then falls back asleep. No night-nursies, no hours of dramatic crying- much more sleep for everyone! It is pretty amazing that the transition was this easy. It really only took one sleepless night for Hubby (and Caden and me too) over Labor Day weekend and we have all been sleeping better since. The boys are even sleeping in the same room now! I think I am still a bit in disbelief that this will continue. But so far, so good. I am getting more sleep than I have in years. Literally. Which can only be a good thing. I do miss my little night-time cuddler, but I still bring him in bed with me in the morning when he wakes up for some good cuddles and nursies. Even Lucas has been sleeping longer. We all generally get up around 6 or 6:30 now which is a vast improvement from the 5am (or earlier) wake-up call Lucas has been known to give me.

So... my one child is starting preschool and the other is sleeping in his own crib all night. Wow, life is sure changing. Next time I blink, both boys will be in school and then life will really start to look different. Right after Caden was born when life was really draining, I daily reminded myself that life wouldn't always look that way. Those days feel long, still do sometimes, but every phase transitions into something new with a new challenge. I am getting more sleep and the boys are growing more independent by the day. The challenges of having an infant are mostly behind me. The next challenge? Maybe starting the letting go. Maybe. :)



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