One Step Outside the Circle

It is almost midnight as I sit here to reflect on my BlogHer experience so far. I really should go to bed but I feel the need to process just a bit of the overwhelming day I had today.

The pre-parties were great! I partied with my fellow Chicagonistas on Wednesday and my fellow ChicagoMoms bloggers on Thursday. Both parties were super fun and not very intimidating at all. I'm doing pretty well so far, I told myself. Well, then came today.

It was just as I expected but not how I had hoped, if that makes any sense at all. My track record for things like this, social situations just outside my comfort zone, is for everything to seem SO complicated and take so much emotional effort and thick skin. The first hiccup was that they couldn't find my registration. It all got resolved but it was just a headache I didn't expect to start the day. I found some friendly faces and chilled with them off and on. I am not afraid to be alone at events like this. I just didn't want to be alone all day. And I wasn't. So that was good. I sat at lunch with bloggers I know, trying to not be shy. Trying to be a part of the conversation. I would like to think that it is just because I don't interact with these cool gals very often that I felt a bit like an outsider trying desperately to be part of the crowd. And that is probably it. But admittedly, I feel that way around people I know too so I think it is just me. See, complicated and lots of emotional effort. I just always feel one step behind, a few inches outside the circle. And today was no different. And as insignificant as the registration hiccup might seem to you, to me it felt like just one more example of how this is not really my scene. Do I really belong here? Where DO I really belong?

I felt like that off and on all day as I mingled with people who take blogging VERY seriously. I mean, I do too, I guess. But not like this. I sat in on a session where people discussed all the different strategies to getting more traffic on your blog. Google page ranks, tweeting your posts several times a day, managing your thousands of twitter followers, ... I just don't live in that world.
After pumping in the oh-so-glamorous "lactation lounge" (hear my sarcasm- the door didn't even stay closed!) with another bloggy friend, I walked around for a few minutes with a super-blogger friend. She knew everyone! And to her credit, she tried to introduce me but no one cared. I'm not even sure I did. She would say, "oh there is so-and-so, let's say hi... oh, you know such-and-such, right?" Um... not so much.
I left the conference around 3pm feeling a bit dazed with arms full of semi-cool swag. (I am making BlogHer sound sooo glamorous, huh?) It really was fun, mostly. A bit stressful, fairly tiring, and very thought-provoking. But an experience I am very glad to have had and wouldn't have wanted to miss. Even so, riding the train home all I wanted to do was see my babies. My heart was aching to see those little faces as if seeing them and hugging them would melt away all the insecurities that were flooding my head and heart. I was feeling a little bit like a second (or third or fourth)-tier mommy blogger (I am skipping all the cool parties after all- and that is why most people come to BlogHer) and needed to feel like a top tier mommy to affirm that I had chosen correctly in putting my family first.
Not even that worked out. I was home for almost 2hours before my kids came home from Grandma's. I was SO FRUSTRATED! And then to top it off, my little love, my Caden, very clearly wanted Grandma even after I was one of his options. Ouch. Not the way I had hoped to top off an already overwhelming day.

Tomorrow will be better. I will have day one under my belt and be more comfortable in the environment. Plus, I will have Caden with me so I have an instant conversation starter and distraction. And today wasn't as bad as I may be portraying. It was just intense and a lot to take in. Luckily, the day ended with nursing/rocking my sweet Caden to sleep and then sitting at the side of Lucas' bed, rubbing his legs as we both drifted off. I know my boys love me and I adore them. And even if my Google page rank is -57 (I'm just making that up- I have no idea even how to find out what your page rank is- that is how out of it I am), I am not upset about that. Maybe this is all just confirming that my priorities really do lie elsewhere. And rightly so.

I'll let you know how tomorrow goes. :)



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BlogHer...Lite!

I am going to BlogHer this week! Hooray! The biggest, baddest mommy-blogger conference around and it is in my backyard. :) How could I not attend?

Except that it is SO FAR outside my comfort zone that I am scared to tears. I don't know too many bloggers IRL (see how I dropped that blogging lingo on ya'.... I am trying to gear myself up!). I am very shy in environments like this when I am alone and feel like everyone else seems to know each other. I am an introvert that tries to be an extrovert because those people are "more cool and hip" but the whole time I will be wishing I was in my yoga pants on the couch or playing trains with my boys. But, I am always really glad I stepped outside my comfort zone after I actually do. I am usually pleasantly surprised with myself and how well I interact with others even though I feel like I want to crawl into a hole. I almost always have a great time even though I am nervous as heck at the beginning. And I have no reason to believe that this time will be any different.

I want to go and am excited to go! I am excited to meet some people that I have "known" for awhile and maybe meet some new people too. BlogHer is all about connecting and networking, right? I am excited to go to the break-out sessions and hopefully learn some things to grow my blog and my latest project. I am excited for the parties that I am attending and the potential free swag! :) But that doesn't take away the nervous butterflies.

Hubby and I sat down and planned out the next few days- who has which kids and where we will all be at different times and how we are all getting there. At this point in my life when I am taking a hard look at where I am putting my priorites, thinking about how much or how little I could do with BlogHer was not an easy decision. I easily got 6-7 invites to private parties during BlogHer. Parties sponsored by fancy companies where they will serve fancy drinks and appetizers to fancy bloggers and give out fancy free stuff. Sounds like a no-brainer. And there are plenty of bloggers who are going all out and attending as many parties as they can fit onto a spreadsheet (yes, really!).

But not me. Not this year.

So, yes, I am going to BlogHer this year. But I am really doing BlogHer Lite. I will attend most of the sessions and I will do the famous expo hall. I am attending a couple parties, most with Caden in tow. But, I will not be staying at the hotel or attending any parties on "the big night" or any after-parties. I will instead be coming home to sleep in my own bed with my baby beside me. I will eat dinner with my family while most conference attenders are sitting in swanky lounges sipping their cocktails. I am choosing it to be this way because I know it is what is best for my boys and thus best for me. I know they would be fine away from me. They would be fine with Grandma or Hubby or even a babysitter if it came to that. But I am not shooting for "fine."

It is all about the balance. I am "doing" BlogHer but also making my family a priority too. At least I am trying. I'll let you know how it really goes. And maybe I'll even have some swag to share so stay tuned!

Oh, and a special thanks to the people at Tyndale Kids... thanks for helping make it possible for me to step out of my comfort zone and practice keeping my priorities in line. Thanks for supporting my trip to BlogHer '09.


P.S~ If you are reading this and going to be at BlogHer, please let me know. I would love to have someone to hang out with. :)



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